Children and divorce effect

1. CHILDREN ANDCHILDREN AND
DIVORCEDIVORCE
Zaid B. Malik, MDZaid B. Malik, MD
Asst. Residency Training DirectorAsst. Residency Training Director
Medical Director, PYAMedical Director, PYA
Director C&L Service, ACHDirector C&L Service, ACH

2. INTRODUCTIONINTRODUCTION
 Recent demographic trends indicate thatRecent demographic trends indicate that
approximately one-half of marriages in theapproximately one-half of marriages in the
United States end in divorce, with increasingUnited States end in divorce, with increasing
numbers of children living with an unmarried ornumbers of children living with an unmarried or
single parent .single parent .

3.  Approximately one-third of American childrenApproximately one-third of American children
will experience significant family instability andwill experience significant family instability and
grow up living with only one parent, especially ifgrow up living with only one parent, especially if
they are poor and minority childrenthey are poor and minority children

4. The Impact of Divorce onThe Impact of Divorce on
ChildrenChildren
 While some parents may think or hope that theirWhile some parents may think or hope that their
conflicting or untoward behavior may have littleconflicting or untoward behavior may have little
impact on the child, our clinical experience withimpact on the child, our clinical experience with
these children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity andthese children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity and
anguish that the child may feel.anguish that the child may feel.

5. ExampleExample
 one 5-year-old boy when discussing with theone 5-year-old boy when discussing with the
child custody evaluator his experience in hischild custody evaluator his experience in his
family, apprehensively stated, “My parents arefamily, apprehensively stated, “My parents are
having a tug of war and I am the rope.” An 8-having a tug of war and I am the rope.” An 8-
year-old girl, after overhearing part of heryear-old girl, after overhearing part of her
mother's angry telephone exchange with hermother's angry telephone exchange with her
father, anxiously asked her mother, “Do youfather, anxiously asked her mother, “Do you
hate the part of me that is Daddy?”hate the part of me that is Daddy?”

6.  Psychological risk to be at approximately twoPsychological risk to be at approximately two
times greater for children of divorce families astimes greater for children of divorce families as
compared to children from intact families.compared to children from intact families.
 About 10% of children in married families hadAbout 10% of children in married families had
serious psychological and social problemsserious psychological and social problems
compared to 20–25% of children from divorcedcompared to 20–25% of children from divorced
familiesfamilies

7. Short- and long-term effects ofShort- and long-term effects of
divorce on childrendivorce on children
 The initial period of separation is immenselyThe initial period of separation is immensely
stressful for the majority of children andstressful for the majority of children and
adolescents, partially due to the fact that mostadolescents, partially due to the fact that most
children are uninformed by their parents aboutchildren are uninformed by their parents about
the separation or divorcethe separation or divorce

8.  A large number of children are unprepared forA large number of children are unprepared for
their parents' separation and react with an acute,their parents' separation and react with an acute,
intense sense of shock, disbelief, distress,intense sense of shock, disbelief, distress,
sorrow, anxiety, and angersorrow, anxiety, and anger

9. Developmental factorsDevelopmental factors
 Preschool children :can experience regression,Preschool children :can experience regression,
intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleepintensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep
disturbances, and increased aggression.disturbances, and increased aggression.
 Middle school–aged children: may experience anxiety,Middle school–aged children: may experience anxiety,
loneliness, and a sense of powerlessness. They may alsoloneliness, and a sense of powerlessness. They may also
struggle with feelings of responsibility for the divorce,struggle with feelings of responsibility for the divorce,
conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and haveconflicts of loyalty between the parents, and have
fantasies of reconciliation. Their school performancefantasies of reconciliation. Their school performance
and peer relationships may also be negatively affected.and peer relationships may also be negatively affected.

10.  Adolescents: may experience acute depression,Adolescents: may experience acute depression,
intense anger, and anxiety about their ownintense anger, and anxiety about their own
future relationships. They may also withdrawfuture relationships. They may also withdraw
socially and accelerate their separation andsocially and accelerate their separation and
individuation process from the family.individuation process from the family.

11. Important To Remember:Important To Remember:
 This acute response diminishes or disappearsThis acute response diminishes or disappears
over a period of 1 to 2 years.over a period of 1 to 2 years.
 Interestingly, the initial responses of children doInterestingly, the initial responses of children do
not necessarily predict the longer termnot necessarily predict the longer term
consequences for psychosocial adjustment .consequences for psychosocial adjustment .

12. Longer term consequencesLonger term consequences
 Children of divorce are significantly more likelyChildren of divorce are significantly more likely
to have externalizing problems such as conductto have externalizing problems such as conduct
disorder and antisocial behaviors, relationshipdisorder and antisocial behaviors, relationship
problems with peers, parents and authorityproblems with peers, parents and authority
figures, academic problems, and internalizingfigures, academic problems, and internalizing
symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and lowsymptoms such as depression, anxiety, and low
self–esteemself–esteem

13.  Other potentially long-term negative effects ofOther potentially long-term negative effects of
divorce include a significant decline in thedivorce include a significant decline in the
economic stability of their family and the loss ofeconomic stability of their family and the loss of
important relationships with close friends andimportant relationships with close friends and
extended family members, including nonresidentextended family members, including nonresident
parents, who are typically the fathers. As youngparents, who are typically the fathers. As young
adults, these children are at risk for weakeradults, these children are at risk for weaker
marital relationships, earlier pregnancies andmarital relationships, earlier pregnancies and
lower socioeconomic attainmentlower socioeconomic attainment

14.  The psychological impact of the divorce on anyThe psychological impact of the divorce on any
individual child is dependent on a number ofindividual child is dependent on a number of
risk and protective factorsrisk and protective factors

15.  High levels of interparental conflict— whetherHigh levels of interparental conflict— whether
in the conflict of the marriage or in high conflictin the conflict of the marriage or in high conflict
divorce situations— appear to have an especiallydivorce situations— appear to have an especially
negative influence on the psychologicalnegative influence on the psychological
adjustment of childrenadjustment of children

16.  Protective factors include a good relationshipProtective factors include a good relationship
with at least one parent or caregiver, parentalwith at least one parent or caregiver, parental
warmth, and the support of siblings and peerswarmth, and the support of siblings and peers

17.  Interparental conflict, the psychological healthInterparental conflict, the psychological health
of the parents, and the quality of the parent–of the parents, and the quality of the parent–
child relationships appear to be among the mostchild relationships appear to be among the most
important predictors of a child's adjustment toimportant predictors of a child's adjustment to
divorcedivorce

18. A Role for Child Psychiatry andA Role for Child Psychiatry and
Allied DisciplinesAllied Disciplines
In this regard, the knowledge of how divorceIn this regard, the knowledge of how divorce
affects children and parents should beaffects children and parents should be
disseminated not only among mental healthdisseminated not only among mental health
professionals but also among other professionalsprofessionals but also among other professionals
who work with childrenwho work with children

19.  Teachers, for example, need to be alerted toTeachers, for example, need to be alerted to
these findings so they can be sensitive to anythese findings so they can be sensitive to any
changes in children's behavior and offer themchanges in children's behavior and offer them
and their parents support and counsel aboutand their parents support and counsel about
ways they can cope with the changes in theirways they can cope with the changes in their
lives.lives.

20.  Psychological support for parents and childrenPsychological support for parents and children
should be made available immediately when theshould be made available immediately when the
divorce proceedings begin.divorce proceedings begin.

21. Do's And Don'ts:Do's And Don'ts:
 The Do'sThe Do's
 · · Do love your children as much as possibleDo love your children as much as possible
Show them your love through words and actions.Show them your love through words and actions.
 · · Do tell your children divorce is not their faultDo tell your children divorce is not their fault
Tell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear it more thanTell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear it more than
once.once.
 · · Do reassure your children that they will be safeDo reassure your children that they will be safe
And let them know both parents will continue to provide forAnd let them know both parents will continue to provide for
them to the best of their ability.them to the best of their ability.

22.  Do let your children know it is okay to love both MomDo let your children know it is okay to love both Mom
and Dad as they did before the divorceand Dad as they did before the divorce
Let kids know the love they have for both parents doesn't haveLet kids know the love they have for both parents doesn't have
to change.to change.
 · · Do support your children's relationship with theirDo support your children's relationship with their
other parent.other parent.
Inform the other parent of special events, school functions orInform the other parent of special events, school functions or
extracurricular activities whenever possible.extracurricular activities whenever possible.
 · · Do listen to your children.Do listen to your children.
Honor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying to changeHonor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying to change
how they feel. Remember, your children's' feelings don't have tohow they feel. Remember, your children's' feelings don't have to
reflect your feelingsreflect your feelings

23.  · · Do let children know it is okay to express those feelings.Do let children know it is okay to express those feelings.
Remember your children will need help learning safe and healthy ways toRemember your children will need help learning safe and healthy ways to
express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with appropriate options.express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with appropriate options.
 · · Do reinforce that children are members of two homes.Do reinforce that children are members of two homes.
Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have to choose Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have to choose
which is their "real" or "better" home.which is their "real" or "better" home.
 · · Do help children feel like they have a home with both parentsDo help children feel like they have a home with both parents
regardless of the amount of time spent with each parent.regardless of the amount of time spent with each parent.
Make sure children feel they have a place in each home that belongs toMake sure children feel they have a place in each home that belongs to
them even if it is only a section of a room. Giving children thethem even if it is only a section of a room. Giving children the
opportunity to offer input or add their own touches to their space can beopportunity to offer input or add their own touches to their space can be
helpful.helpful.

24.  Do provide your children withDo provide your children with
discipline, as well as love.discipline, as well as love.
Children still need parents to provide structureChildren still need parents to provide structure
and limits especially during difficult times.and limits especially during difficult times.

25.  Don'tsDon'ts
 · · Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's other parent.Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's other parent.
Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad thereforeChildren literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore
when you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule alsowhen you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule also
applies to stepparents and other significant adults in your child's life.applies to stepparents and other significant adults in your child's life.
 · · Don't expose your children to divorce details.Don't expose your children to divorce details.
Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed toRarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed to
information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns orinformation regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or
intimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel veryintimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel very
confused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adultconfused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult
issues.issues.

26.  · · Don't use your children as messengers or spies.Don't use your children as messengers or spies.
Be responsible for finding some way to communicate with yourBe responsible for finding some way to communicate with your
ex-spouse.ex-spouse.
 · · Don't retaliate when the other parent says or doesDon't retaliate when the other parent says or does
damaging things.damaging things.
Retaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continuesRetaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continues
the cycle of children feeling very confused and caught betweenthe cycle of children feeling very confused and caught between
mom and dad. Instead choose to be supportive of your childrenmom and dad. Instead choose to be supportive of your children
by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or "by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or "
How do you feel when this happens?"How do you feel when this happens?"

27.  · · Don't make your children responsible for makingDon't make your children responsible for making
adult decisions.adult decisions.
Children should not be place in the position of decidingChildren should not be place in the position of deciding
parenting schedules, where they will live or how to handleparenting schedules, where they will live or how to handle
household matters.household matters.
 · · Don't allow your children to become your best friendsDon't allow your children to become your best friends
or confidants.or confidants.
Children should not feel responsible for their parent's emotionalChildren should not feel responsible for their parent's emotional
well being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and findwell being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and find
other caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce.other caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce.

28.  · · Don't place blame when children ask why theDon't place blame when children ask why the
divorce happened.divorce happened.
Children should not be placed in the position ofChildren should not be placed in the position of
judging or taking sides.judging or taking sides.
 · · Don't withhold visitation if child support isDon't withhold visitation if child support is
unpaid or fail to pay child support if the otherunpaid or fail to pay child support if the other
parent is withholding visitation.parent is withholding visitation.
Both actions are illegal and are viewed as separate issuesBoth actions are illegal and are viewed as separate issues
by the court.by the court.

29.  · · Don't try to buy your child's love or outDon't try to buy your child's love or out
buy the other parent.buy the other parent.
While children enjoy gifts, they will rememberWhile children enjoy gifts, they will remember
you for how you cherished them not for theyou for how you cherished them not for the
material things you bought them.material things you bought them.
 Don't lose your sense of humor.Don't lose your sense of humor.
It comes in handy during stressful times It comes in handy during stressful times

30. How to Help Your ChildrenHow to Help Your Children
 If possible, have both parents present whenIf possible, have both parents present when
telling children about the divorce.telling children about the divorce.
Discuss what you will tell children before hand.Discuss what you will tell children before hand.
Also, keep explanations simple and avoid placingAlso, keep explanations simple and avoid placing
blame. Use general statements such as Mom andblame. Use general statements such as Mom and
Dad can't live together anymore or Mom andDad can't live together anymore or Mom and
Dad have decided we would be happier living inDad have decided we would be happier living in
different homes.different homes.

31.  Tell your children that the divorce is notTell your children that the divorce is not
their fault.their fault.
Children need to understand the decision toChildren need to understand the decision to
divorce had nothing to do with them or theirdivorce had nothing to do with them or their
behavior. Further kids should be told there isbehavior. Further kids should be told there is
nothing they can do to change what isnothing they can do to change what is
happening in the family nor is it theirhappening in the family nor is it their
responsibility to fix the family.responsibility to fix the family.

32.  Tell your children that you love them.Tell your children that you love them.
Make sure they understand the love sharedMake sure they understand the love shared
between a parent and child and is different thanbetween a parent and child and is different than
the love shared between a husband and wife.the love shared between a husband and wife.
Kids need to know that the love you have forKids need to know that the love you have for
them will last foreverthem will last forever

33.  Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom andReinforce it is okay to love both Mom and
Dad.Dad.
Children should not feel they have to take sidesChildren should not feel they have to take sides
or worry about losing the love of either parent.or worry about losing the love of either parent.

34.  Give children details regarding how life willGive children details regarding how life will
change.change.
Answer questions such as where they will liveAnswer questions such as where they will live
and with whom, when they will see each parent,and with whom, when they will see each parent,
where will the other parent be, how they canwhere will the other parent be, how they can
contact either parent, school arrangements,contact either parent, school arrangements,
involvement in activities etc.involvement in activities etc.

35.  Tell children both parents will continue to be aTell children both parents will continue to be a
part of their lives.part of their lives.
Let children know what the parenting schedule will beLet children know what the parenting schedule will be
and how they can reach each parent. Inform childrenand how they can reach each parent. Inform children
that they can contact either parent when they feel theythat they can contact either parent when they feel they
need to talk with that parent. Also, if one parentneed to talk with that parent. Also, if one parent
chooses not to be involved in a child's life, it is best notchooses not to be involved in a child's life, it is best not
to be dishonest with your child or misrepresent theto be dishonest with your child or misrepresent the
truth.truth.

36.  Minimize changes in your children's lives asMinimize changes in your children's lives as
much as possible.much as possible.
Such as neighborhood, friends, school, activitiesSuch as neighborhood, friends, school, activities
and contact with extended family members.and contact with extended family members.

37.  Inform school and teachers about changes in theInform school and teachers about changes in the
family.family.
Provide school with necessary information regardingProvide school with necessary information regarding
the divorce such as who will be the primary contact,the divorce such as who will be the primary contact,
changes in emergency numbers, who will pick childrenchanges in emergency numbers, who will pick children
up and when. Respect your children and remember toup and when. Respect your children and remember to
be discrete about details. This will also help you steerbe discrete about details. This will also help you steer
clear of the temptation to drag others into the drama ofclear of the temptation to drag others into the drama of
your divorce.your divorce.

38. Forging ahead...Forging ahead...
 Continue to show your children you loveContinue to show your children you love
them through both words and actions.them through both words and actions.
 While you may tell your children with yourWhile you may tell your children with your
words that you love them they will need youwords that you love them they will need you
to back it up with action. As much asto back it up with action. As much as
possible be a parent who follows throughpossible be a parent who follows through
with commitments and is true to their word.with commitments and is true to their word.

39.  Listen to your children.Listen to your children.
Support their right to have feelings about what isSupport their right to have feelings about what is
happening in their lives. Help your children find safe andhappening in their lives. Help your children find safe and
healthy ways to express these feelings.healthy ways to express these feelings.
Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings.Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings.
Find healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help yourFind healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help your
children develop safe ways to process their own feelings.children develop safe ways to process their own feelings.

40.  Re-establish a sense of security by providingRe-establish a sense of security by providing
structure, consistency as well as, lots of love.structure, consistency as well as, lots of love.
Children will wonder about the possibility of beingChildren will wonder about the possibility of being
divorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are you going todivorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are you going to
leave me like you left each other?). Therefore keepingleave me like you left each other?). Therefore keeping
your word with children and following through withyour word with children and following through with
plans, as well as, promises are very important. Bottomplans, as well as, promises are very important. Bottom
line, don't just talk the talk; you also need to walk theline, don't just talk the talk; you also need to walk the
walk.walk.

41.  Support your child's relationship with theirSupport your child's relationship with their
other parent.other parent.
Children need a relationship with both of theirChildren need a relationship with both of their
parents. Remember, while a person may not be aparents. Remember, while a person may not be a
good marriage partner, they can still be angood marriage partner, they can still be an
excellent parent.excellent parent.

42.  Work on re-establishing a sense of family.Work on re-establishing a sense of family.
Develop new family traditions, rituals orDevelop new family traditions, rituals or
activities such as creating special ways to spendactivities such as creating special ways to spend
the holidays, getting a family portrait or planningthe holidays, getting a family portrait or planning
a weekly family dinner night.a weekly family dinner night.