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2. video
https://youtu.be/TG-Mgg1-3oc
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3. A difficult conversation
A difficult conversation is a situation in which at least two
parties are engaged, where
(a) there are different opinions, perception, and
need/wants
(b) Feelings and emotions run strong, and
(c) The consequences or stakes for us are significant
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4. A difficult conversation
Anything we don’t want to talk about
Usually we worry what will happen if we do talk about it
If we do talk about it, we usually think and feel a lot more
than what we actually say.
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5. A difficult conversation
No safety ( no one able or willing to tell the truth)
Emotions define the conversation
No listening , No dialogue
Both going for a “Win” (forcing the other to “Loose”)
Each side playing a role : victim, villain, helpless martyr , etc.
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7. Video
https://youtu.be/Pbgq-SINr0w
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8. Working on Yourself:
How To Prepare for the Conversation
What is your purpose for having the conversation?
What do you hope to accomplish?
What would be an ideal outcome?
What assumptions you have about the other person’s intentions?
How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your
perception of it?
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11. 4 Steps to a Successful Outcome
The majority of the work in any conflict conversation
is work you do on yourself
you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself
Your power lies in your purpose i.e. emotional energy,
breathe, remain center, and continue to notice when
you become off center–and choose to return again.
Lets talk about the 4 steps to be taken for a successful
outcome----
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12. Step #1: Inquiry
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity
Try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner
and his point of view.
Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except
to acknowledge.
Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about
you.
Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation.
You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things
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13. Step #2: Acknowledgment
Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve
heard and understood
Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate
it with agreement. Keep them separate.
My saying, “this sounds really important to you,”
doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your
decision.
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14. Step #3: Advocacy
When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all
his energy on the topic, it’s your turn.
Help clarify your position without minimizing his.
For example: “I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a
team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a
project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a
critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how
to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
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15. Step #4: Problem-Solving
Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it.
If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry
approach (Step 1)
Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety
and encourages him to engage.
If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your
attitude, engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building
sustainable solutions will be easy.
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17. Here are some additional tips and suggestions:
A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are
(cantered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.
Acknowledge emotional energy–yours and your partner's–and direct it toward a useful
purpose.
Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.
Don’t take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center.
Don’t assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view.
Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.
Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling
them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.
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18. How Do I Begin?
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19. Here are a few conversation openers
 I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work
together more effectively.
 I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point
of view.
 I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
 I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person
says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
 I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to
hear your thinking on this.
 I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas
about how to _____________________.
 I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I
really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.
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20. 6 tips -difficult conversations
Acknowledge that there will be difference how
you and others see things
We all have to get on with a wide range of people at
work – colleagues, customers, suppliers – you won’t
like them all
When possible let others know how you feel in a
direct and non-threatening way
Create a basis for looking collaboratively not
combatively at what you are choosing to be
concerned about
Talk about the impact the situation has had on
you
Look people in the eye – let the facts talk and not
your judgement of what happened
Ask how the situation has affected them
Many hurts are not intended – we all have gaps
between what we say and what we do – listen more
than you talk
Acknowledge your contribution to the situation
Someone who does not agree with you may not be
wrong
Invite the other person to work with you to
make things better
What would help us to avoid doing this again
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21. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy-
Dr. Albert Ellis
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22. Video
https://youtu.be/JT8H1pC3sOI
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23. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy- Dr. Albert Ellis
REBT distinguishes clearly between two very
different types of difficulties: -
Practical and Emotional problems.
Your flawed behaviour, unfair
treatment by others, and
undesirable situations,
represent practical problems.
Regrettably, your human tendency is to upset yourself about these practical
problems, thereby unnecessarily creating a second order of problems--
emotional suffering.
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24. REBT is based on a few simple principles having
profound implications:
You are
responsible for
your own
emotions and
actions,
Your harmful
emotions and
dysfunctional
behaviours are
the product of
your irrational
thinking,
You can learn
more realistic
views and, with
practice, make
them a part of
you
You'll experience
a deeper
acceptance of
yourself and
greater
satisfactions in
life by
developing a
reality-based
perspective.
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25. Culprit 3 core “Musts”
"Must" #1 (a demand on yourself): "I MUST do well and get
approval, or else I'm worthless." This demand causes anxiety,
depression, and lack of assertiveness.
"Must" #2 (a demand on others): "You MUST treat me
reasonably, considerately, and lovingly, or else you're no good."
This "must" leads to resentment, hostility, and violence.
"Must" #3 (a demand on situations): "Life MUST be fair, easy, and
hassle-free, or else it's awful." This thinking is associated with
hopelessness, procrastination, and addictions.
Identify your "musts." Once you admit that you distort your own
emotions and actions, then determine precisely how.
The culprit usually lies in one of the three core "musts:"
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26. Reinforce your preferences
Preference #1: "I strongly PREFER to do well and get approval, but
even if I fail, I will accept myself fully,"
Preference #2: "I strongly PREFER that you treat me reasonably,
kindly, and lovingly, but since I don't run the universe, and it's a
part of your human nature to err, I, then, cannot control you,"
Preference #3: "I strongly PREFER that life be fair, easy, and
hassle-free, and it's very frustrating that it isn't, but I can bear
frustration and still considerably enjoy life."
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27. Thank you
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