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![Every time a nice guy is rejected, he then mistakenly assumes it is
because he was [too] nice. This experience is compounded by the
recurring situation of a woman complaining about a past
relationship. If she is complaining, then she tends to focus on what a
jerk the guy was. So once again a nice guy can’t figure women out
and wonders why she got involved with a jerk. (Gray, 1997,p. 174)
*Gray, J. (1997). Mars and Venus on a date: A guide for navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship. New
York: HarperPaperbacks.](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/whyniceguysfinishlast2-170920215752/75/Why-nice-guys-finish-last-and-what-to-do-about-it-24-2048.jpg)
Uploaded byMatt Kendall
Why nice guys finish last and what to do about it
The document discusses why "nice guys" may finish last in dating. It begins by defining the nice guy stereotype and associated negative traits like being a doormat. It then analyzes contradictions in what women say they want versus who they date, discussing theories like evolutionary psychology perspectives on differing reproductive strategies between males and females. Females prefer traits like dominance for short-term attraction but cooperation for long-term partners. The document provides advice for nice guys to exude confidence through interests and body language while maintaining kindness and setting boundaries rather than being needy or arrogant.
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Why nice guys finish last and what to do about it
- 1. Why Nice GuysFinish Last and What to Do About It! DR. KATHRINE BEJANYAN
- 2. The great questionthat has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?” Sigmund Freud
- 3. Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan Datingand Relationship Consulting Psychology PhD o Research Focus – Romantic relationships cross-culturally Counselling Psychology MA o Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (California,USA) o Accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy kathrinebejanyan.com
- 4. Who is thenice guy? Portrays himself to be kind, compassionate, gentle and sensitive Open with his feelings Concerned about his partner’s wants and needs Generous and giving Despite these positive characteristics, the term may still have a negative connotation to it What are some negative traits associated with nice guys?
- 5. Nice Guy Stereotype Contradictoryattitudes and behaviors towards dating partner preferences Women express a desire to date kind, sensitive, thoughtful and emotionally expressive men In reality, they still choose to date macho, domineering, distant, or insensitive men (i.e. jerks)
- 6. The niceguys feel they’re either outright rejected or relegated to the category of “just friends.” “A nice guy waltzes into a woman's life and she immediately leads him into the friend zone, no questions asked. However, when she stumbles upon the opposite of that, she relentlessly finds herself at his feet, becoming what our dating society refers to as a “stage-five clinger,” or simply, “crazy.”* *Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”
- 7. Women’s supposedlack of genuine interest in sensitivity and kindness breeds considerable resentment among self-described nice guys. What to do about it? The idea is often expressed that men must curtail their own niceness in order to “get the girl” lest they be perceived as “too nice” “Figuratively speaking, in order for a man to enjoy the company of women and be able to seduce them, his inner nice guy must first die through heartache. It is at this point that his inner bad boy surfaces and goes on the prowl” (Smith, “Nice guys finish last”, 2002)
- 8. What Women Say When women are asked about the subject, they almost always claim to desire a nice guy . . . so long as he is not too nice (Gray, 1997)* What differentiates a guy that is nice from too nice? *Gray, J. (1997). Mars and Venus on a date: A guide for navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship. New York: HarperPaperbacks.
- 9. What Women Say Ina study of the traits most desirable in a casual sex partner and a romantic partner (i.e., boyfriend), female respondents listed these qualities as most important: honest and trustworthy healthy warm and kind attractive agreeable sociable emotionally stable Regan, P. C. (1998). Minimum mate selection standards as a function of perceived mate value, relationship context, and gen- der. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 10, 53–73.
- 10. What Women Say Stewart,Stinnett, and Rosenfeld (2000) found that women rated the following qualities as most desirable in a dating partner: trustworthy/honest sense of humor kindness/understanding exciting personality Stewart, S., Stinnett, H., & Rosenfeld, L. B. (2000). Sex differences in desired characteristics of short-term and long-term relationship partners. Journal of Social and Personal Relation- ships, 17, 843–853.
- 11. What Women Say In another study by Herold and Milhausen’s (1999) study over half of the female participants reported that, if they were given a choice, they would rather date the nice guy who was described as sexually inexperienced, nice, and somewhat shy rather than the not-so-nice guy who was described as physically attractive, fun, and sexually active. Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating prefer- ences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.
- 12. What accountsfor these contradictions? Can women be both attracted to and repelled by nice guys? “Women are full of paradoxes. They are drowning in their own ambiguities; it's in their nature. Women may say one thing, yet mean another. They have been living in a dimension where “I'm fine,” means “nothing is fine,” and the obvious answer is “do whatever you want to do.” They religiously use this shield of passive aggressiveness as a defense mechanism.”* *Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”
- 13. “Often timeswe don't know what's good for us until we've been exposed to what's bad for us. Women need to get their hearts broken and self-esteem perished once, twice or maybe three times to recognize what they deserve…….. Thanks, jerks. Your emotionless charm and excessive lying serves to help women grow from being the naive girls they once were.”* *Elite Daily, “The Real Reason Why Nice Guys Finish Last And They Always Will”
- 14. Evolution Psychology Evolutionary psychologyattempts to reconstruct the environment our ancestors lived in understand how human behaviour evolved over time what their relevance is to our survival EX Love: physiological and emotional response that facilitates pair-bonding in order to ensure the survival of offspring and the human specie
- 15. Reproductive Differences Sexual StrategiesTheory (Smiler, 2011). Men and women’s mate selection and reproductive strategies Mating/reproductive strategies (Gangestad & Simpson, 2000): type of mate one chooses the tactics they use to select a mate how much they invest in the offspring and relationship Smiler, A. P. (2011). Sexual strategies theory, built for the short term or the long term? Sex Roles, 64, 603-612. Gangestad, S. W., & Simpson, J. A. (2000). The evolution of human mating: Trade-offs and strategic pluralism. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 23, 675–687.
- 16. Women make muchlarger contributions to the survival of their offspring than do males need to be more selective about their mates mating mistakes are more costly Female reproductive strategy – to maximise reproductive success, limit sexual contact to males who would be most likely to give an advantage to any offspring (Small, 1992). Small. M. F. (1992). Female choice in mating: The evolutionary significance of female choice depends on why the female chooses her reproductive partner. American Scientist. 80. 142-151.
- 17. What types ofqualities in men give her a reproductive advantage? Strength and dominance Cooperation and altruism
- 18. Dominance Dominant behaviorhelps enhance reproductive success because Protection Higher Statues Increased resources Male dominance can also be seen as an expression of agentic behavior – i.e a man who is capable of actively making choices and dealing effectively with others It’s not just about dominance itself: Dominant behavior in men increased women's sexual attraction to them; dominant behavior in women was not linked to sexual attraction in men.
- 19. What typesof guys are more likely to have qualities associated with dominance? When asked to describe the stereotypic not-so-nice/jerk guy, female respondents noted (Herold & Milhausen, 1999) a) the rebel - mysterious, daring, arrogant, and dangerous b) the macho guy - strong and confident c) the fun guy - adventurous, spontaneous, and outgoing d) the sexy guy - charming, good looking, and sexually experienced Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating preferences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.
- 20. Male dominance enhancedsexual attractiveness only It does not enhance general likability Why? • A man who has resources but is unwilling to share them is not really advantageous, at least for a long-term relationship (Buss & Schmitt, 1993). Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological Re- view, 100, 204–233.
- 21. What enhances likability? Cooperationand altruism Social resources (i.e. mutual aid and support in tribal setting) More enjoyable/positive interactions More willingness to share and invest more resources Higher commitment Nurturance and care of offspring and female
- 22. What enhances likability? Altruisticmen relative to nonaltruistic men were rated as more: attractive socially desirable desirable as a date Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 427–440.
- 23. Likability doesnot equal not immediately equal attraction Young women equally desire comparable qualities (i.e., warmth and kindness) in a steady dating partner boyfriend platonic friend Just because a young woman enjoys going out on a regular basis with her nice guy, platonic friend, does not mean that she will want him for anything more than a friend even though he possesses qualities that she wants in a boyfriend. Sprecher, S., & Regan, P. C. (2002). Liking some things (in some people) more than others: Partner preferences in romantic relationships and friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19, 463–481.
- 24. Every time anice guy is rejected, he then mistakenly assumes it is because he was [too] nice. This experience is compounded by the recurring situation of a woman complaining about a past relationship. If she is complaining, then she tends to focus on what a jerk the guy was. So once again a nice guy can’t figure women out and wonders why she got involved with a jerk. (Gray, 1997,p. 174) *Gray, J. (1997). Mars and Venus on a date: A guide for navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship. New York: HarperPaperbacks.
- 26. Men high inagreeableness, dominance increased subjective: • physical attractiveness • sexual attractiveness • dating desirability • general social desirability • Men whose dominance is linked to cooperative, altruistic tendencies are preferred • Men whose dominance is linked to competitive, selfish tendencies are not Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 427–440.
- 27. Male dominance maysignal to women the ability to obtain resources for her and her offspring AND Altruism and cooperation may signal the willingness to give and share • If a woman perceives the nice guy as both sweet/nice and attractive, she is more likely to continue to go out with him
- 28. Niceness has tobe genuine! Men whose cooperation and altruism seem intrinsically motivated will be selectively preferred by women, whereas men whose cooperation appears to be externally motivated will not (Hinde, 1978) If you are being nice just so you can get a woman, she will sense it and be put off Hinde. R. A. (1978). Dominance and role—Two concepts with dual meanings. Journal of Social and Biological Structures, 1, 27-38.
- 29. What is anice guy versus too nice? These are not altruistic or cooperative behaviours: People-pleaser Chameleon, will adopt the qualities of the people around him No clear sense of own identity No boundaries
- 30. What is anice guy versus too nice? You are not a “nice” guy if: You are a doormat You put her on a pedestal Personal gains/advantage– disengengenious, want a reward/sex for being nice
- 31. What women seeas nice guy When asked to describe the stereotypic nice guy, female respondents perceived them as either good guys (men who were polite and willing to wait for sex and who possessed a good personality, high standards, and morals) or losers (men who were needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced, lacking confidence) Herold, E. S., & Milhausen, R. R. (1999). Dating preferences of university women: An analysis of the nice guy stereotype. Journal of Sex and Marriage Therapy, 25, 333– 343.
- 32. Attraction Attraction is notjust about physical appearance, it’s about your nonverbal cues to (i.e. protect and provide)
- 33. Dominant body posturesresult in higher ratings of sexual attractiveness Men who successfully initiated courtships with women exhibited different nonverbal behavior from unsuccessful men Do: glancing behaviour space maximization movements fewer closed body movement sexual touching Renninger, L. A., Wade, T. J., & Grammer, K. (2004). Getting that female glance: Patterns and consequences of male nonverbal behavior in courtship contexts. Evolution and Human Behavior, 25, 416-431. Don’t: fidget look down when you talk hunch drink too much
- 34. Confidence comes frombeing secure in your abilities Whatever your skill or hobbies, women are attracted to the competence and passion you demonstrate in your area of interest Don’t tell stories that make you look or sound weak and incompetent
- 35. Arrogance comes frombeing insecure in your abilities Men sometimes think that a woman will suddenly become interested once she finds out how fascinating, rich, or fit they are Most men spend time talking and talking on the date about themselves, laying out their long list of accomplishments and capabilities Listen! And respond accordingly with open-ended follow up questions
- 36. Take Away: Embrace yourown strength and power Demonstrate kindness and collaboration Exhibit behaviour that demonstrates your ability to protect and provide Set boundaries! Stand up straight, look into her eyes and smile without rocking or fidgeting Speak with confidence about your interests
- 37. kathrinebejanyan.com kathrine@kathrinebejanyan.com Individual session1.5hrs plus 30min Skype follow up (£195) Packages (4+ sessions, £80 per session) Full Day (5hrs -£595) Workshops Offer Write a review on LinkedIn or Google Reviews within 2 weeks and win a free session
Editor's Notes
- #5 Nice guy stereotype asserts that women in today’s society display contradictory attitudes and behaviors regarding whom they choose as dating partners. many women have expressed a desire to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, rather than more traditionally masculine, distant, and insensitive “macho men” (or, more pejoratively, “jerks.”) Despite this stated preference, however, proponents of the nice guy stereotype argue that, in reality, women still choose to date macho men over nice guys, especially if the macho men are more physically attractive
- #6 Nice guy stereotype asserts that women in today’s society display contradictory attitudes and behaviors regarding whom they choose as dating partners. many women have expressed a desire to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, rather than more traditionally masculine, distant, and insensitive “macho men” (or, more pejoratively, “jerks.”) Despite this stated preference, however, proponents of the nice guy stereotype argue that, in reality, women still choose to date macho men over nice guys, especially if the macho men are more physically attractive
- #19 Male dominance may be seen as an expression of agentic behavior, in which the man actively makes choices and is effective in dealing with others (e.g., Wiggins, 1991). Without additional, qualifying information, male agentic behavior may be generally attractive to women. The agency-attraction rela- tion may be moderated, however, by additional information about the specific content of the agency.
- #20 Male dominance may be seen as an expression of agentic behavior, in which the man actively makes choices and is effective in dealing with others (e.g., Wiggins, 1991). Without additional, qualifying information, male agentic behavior may be generally attractive to women. The agency-attraction rela- tion may be moderated, however, by additional information about the specific content of the agency.
- #21 Male dominance can be viewed as expression of agentic behavior, in which the man actively makes choices and is effective in dealing with others (e.g., Wiggins, 1991)
- #22 success of many species was at- tributable not to "survival of the fittest," but to an ability to organize into groups and engage in mutual aid. Trivers himself (1972) acknowledged that certain forms of cooperation (e.g., the ability to contribute to the care of offspring) may influence the choices of some females. t a general theoretical level, cooperation and altruism can be conceptualized as social resources or, in Trivers's terms, "in- vestments." That is, men who appear to be disposed to cooper- ate with their romantic partners, or who show nurturance and altruism, may be selectively preferred over other men. This pref- erence may reflect not only the female's attribution that such males would be rewarding to her personally, but also that such males will be disposed to invest more heavily in their offspring (e.g., Ellis, 1992; Feingold, 1992; Graziano & Eisenberg, in press).
- #23 success of many species was at- tributable not to "survival of the fittest," but to an ability to organize into groups and engage in mutual aid. Trivers himself (1972) acknowledged that certain forms of cooperation (e.g., the ability to contribute to the care of offspring) may influence the choices of some females. t a general theoretical level, cooperation and altruism can be conceptualized as social resources or, in Trivers's terms, "in- vestments." That is, men who appear to be disposed to cooper- ate with their romantic partners, or who show nurturance and altruism, may be selectively preferred over other men. This pref- erence may reflect not only the female's attribution that such males would be rewarding to her personally, but also that such males will be disposed to invest more heavily in their offspring (e.g., Ellis, 1992; Feingold, 1992; Graziano & Eisenberg, in press).
- #27 Male dominance can be viewed as expression of agentic behavior, in which the man actively makes choices and is effective in dealing with others (e.g., Wiggins, 1991)
- #28 Male dominance can be viewed as expression of agentic behavior, in which the man actively makes choices and is effective in dealing with others (e.g., Wiggins, 1991)
- #34 Roughly 53.5 percent of men have symmetrical faces. If not good looking show through body language that you are worthy of attention Women are attracted to men who are the CEO and president of themselves
- #37 (throw your arm around a chair) Space maximizing – the person who takes up the most space is considered the socially dominant person in the group (CEO of a company has a large corner office)