Dr. Carolyn Cooper's column on Sunday March 22, 2015, (Mi No Want No Woman Look Mi!)has forced me to concretize some issues that I have been observing in our society. I wish to publicly air them now in order to possibly stimulate a necessary broader discussion.

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Sexual Situationships vs. Bona fide Love Relationships
(The Crisis in All Shades of Grey Relationships)
Leahcim Semaj
Chief Ideator&Resultant
The JobBank & Above or Beyond
March22, 2015
I have had a long and interesting relationship with Dr. Carolyn Cooper. We both
joined the faculty of UWI-Mona atabout the same time (early 80s), wedeveloped
and co-hosted the award winning 'Man and Woman Story’ on TVJ, my sound
system (jUdgeMENt) played at her wedding and I was the MC at the celebration
of the 60th anniversary of her cycle around the sun. We havehad some strong
areas of disagreements but also many spirited discussions as our minds feed off
each other.
Her column on Sunday March 22, 2015, (Mi No Want No Woman LookMi!) has
forced me to concretize someissues that I have been observing in our society. I
wish to publicly air them now in order to possibly stimulate a necessary broader
discussion. My hopeis to arrive at some solutions to the not so quiet desperation
that has become the lives of many women and men over 50 who are seeking a
variety of 'shades of grey relationships'but ending up with 'sexual situationships'
in the quest to find love and happiness. Atthe end of the usually well written
piece, Dr. Cooper 'comes out' and emphatically states that;
"Diongle smaddy miwantlook mi a one nice, ageable genkleman. No
young boy. No old man. No married man. No man weh a sex man an uman.
Yu ha fi can read an write. Yu ha fi have teeth. If yu qualify, come put
argument. Otherwise, beg yu please lef mi in peace!"
My hypothesis is that she will have a long wait and is much more likely to find a
'sexual situationship'than a 'bona fide love relationship'. I now present my case.

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Sexual Situationship vs. Reciprocated Relationship?
Adian Neil states the following;
"A situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself
as a formativerelationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a
relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it’s not. Urban Dictionary
describes a situationship asany problematic relationship characterized by
one or more unresolved, interpersonalconflictsusually confused with
dating. The overall dating climate is changing and formalities are harder
to find. Instead there’s this awkward meandering through something that
feels like something that leads to sex that may or may not be something
that continues for a time until one party wants to make it an official
something."
*http://aidanneal.com/2014/08/06/9-signs-youre-situationship/
In contrast, a reciprocatedrelationship is a relationship in which two people feel
the sameway about each other, or do give similar things to each other. This is
one which both parties experience the fulfillment of mutual desires on a variety
of the dimensions of intimacy. They both desiresimilar things for themselves and
each other and are committed to 'growing old together'.
I started this analysis with Dr. Cooper's concept of a "niceageable genkleman",
then did a series of informal interviews to identify whatthe ages and stages were
in our society and was able to create the following table.
AGE* MEN AGE* WOMEN
>50 years (M3) Old Man >45 (W3) Old Woman
35 to 50 years (M2) Ageable Man 30 to 45 years (W2) Mature Woman
<35 years (M1) Young Boy <30 Years (W1) Young Girl
(*These categories can be adjusted +/- 5 years)
People Don't Stay in Dem Lane
The natural pattern of age and stage chronologicaldevelopment would be for
people to "stay in dem lane". If that was the case M3 would be attracted to W3,

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M2 to W2 and M1 to W1. But whatdo we have? The socio-biologicalforces have
created the following situations.
AGE FIRST CHOICE SECOND CHOICE
M3 W1 Lower end of W2
W3 M2 M1 (with body, looks & 'fun person')
M2 W1 W2 (with money, house, car & contacts)
W2 M2 M1 (with body, looks & 'fun person')
M1 W1 W2 or W3 (with money, house, car & contacts)
W1 M1 M2 or M3 (with money, house, car & contacts)
Itappears that my friend Dr. Cooper and many other W3 women are more likely
to end up in a 'situationship' with a M1 man if she brings the resources that he
needs to the table (bed). Please note that all that's required is proof of dental
health and the achievement of the minimum literacy requirement. W3 women
are not generally the firstor second choice for any age group of men. Men are
wired to be attracted to youth and beauty (while women to power and
resources). Neither M3 nor M2 men generally find W3 women desirable. But if
she has the resources and will make them available to him she can 'rent' a M1
man until he decides that he wants someonewith whomto 'settle down' and
build a family. She may even have a series of 'sexual situationships'but is very
unlikely to have a lasting bona fide relationship. She is also more likely to grow old
alone.
Interestingly, M3 men are likely to fare a little better if he is able to 'buy' the
favors of the M1 woman. This too is likely to be a 'situationship'but has a higher
probability of morphing into a bona fide reciprocated relationship.
The Shades of Grey Relationships
M3 women are the biggestlosers in the present questfor reciprocated love and
happiness. This is closely followed by M3 men. Many M3 men (with resources)
are however not complaining becausevariety and quantity often makes up for
quality. On the other hand, the W3 woman is judged more harshly when she
ventures to live out her fantasies with her M1 'toy boy'. It is said that a woman

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cannot do whata man can and still be a lady. W3 women and M3 men need to
find ways to shift their mind-sets and to transformtheir erotic arousalpatterns so
as to become more attractive to and for each other. If they don't there is a
growing probability that they will be spending their 'grey years'alone, or in highly
exploitive sexual situationships.
Solutions
1. It is now imperative that M3 men and W3 women 'stay in dem lane' and resist
the trips to fantasy island. There is a reason why something is called a fantasy, it
does not exist. They musthonestly and critically evaluate their present
relationships or lack thereof. Not justto quantify the shortcomings of their
partners, butmore importantly to identify where and how they also contributed
to the devolution. They will then be able to embark on a new beginning by
establishing an intention to build healthy, sustainable, reciprocalrelationships.
Intentions will then begin to shapethoughts which will set the foundation for new
behaviours.
2. If you are in a relationship, make it work. Remember that "to love is a choice
that you make". The exception are cases of abuseand psychotic behaviours.
3. If you are not in a relationship, be realistic as to whatyou bring to the table. If
you are a "5", a "9" may be well outside of your possibility. Why would a "9" want
you?
4. If a relationship is important to you but keeps eluding you, get professional
help. There are persons who havemastered the art and science of 'match
making'. They can help.
The smallest unit of a people is man and woman, when the circumstances
become as tumultuous as they now are, a nation is in trouble.
A suh mi see it. What say you?
Semaj@LTSemaj.com