This document provides guidance on effective verbal self-defense techniques. It discusses various types of verbal attacks and provides examples and responses for each. The different sections cover attacks that begin with "If you really...", "Don't you even...", "Even you should...", "Everyone understands why...", and "A person who...". For each type of attack, the document explains the presuppositions and provides neutral, non-escalating responses to defuse the situation without responding emotionally. The overall message is that remaining calm, not escalating, and redirecting the conversation are key to effective verbal self-defense.

1. Effective Verbal Self-Defense
MAJ Mason S. Weiss
Instructor/Writer
U.S. Army Military Police School
www.thewritesofweiss.com
November 2014

2. Effective Verbal Self-Defense
November 2014
•Based on the book The Gentle Art of Verbal
Self Defense by Suzette Elgin; and
•Real life judo instruction provided during
Operation Iraqi Freedom by Master at Arms,
Senior Chief Raymond Green, USN.
“When you need to learn a lesson, the
teacher will appear.”

3. Self-Defense in the Octagon
Basic
Principles:
1. Know that you
are under attack;
2. Know what kind
of attack you face;
3. Know how to
make your
defense fit the
attack
E
Everyone
understands
why you
A
If you really
(do)
H
SomeX’s
would
D
Evenyou
should

4. The Various Attacks
A. If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)
B. If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t want to (Y)
C. Don’t you even care about (X)?
D. Even (X) should (Y)
E. Everyone understands why you (X)
F. A person who (X)(Y)
G. Why don’t you ever/why do you always?
H. Some (X’s) would (Y) if/when (Z)/(W)
November 2014

5. The Various Attacks
1. Always remain calm!
2. Do not respond emotionally!
3. Do not escalate!
4. If you cannot remember what to say, then the
following will almost always work:
“You know, it’s interesting you’d say that.”
November 2014

6. Warning!!!
•If you are a military leader, do not use the octagon to
“counsel” your subordinates!
•That makes you an abusive, toxic, tyrant, not a leader.
•Do not use the octagon against your spouse, friends or
family either. That will destroy relationships.
•If you use the octagon offensively, eventually, you will get
put in your place by someone who knows how to defend
themselves properly.
November 2014

7. “Section A” Attacks
If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)
•Must respond to the presupposition of X, not to the content
of Y!
•Never reply to the blamer mode with another blamer mode
utterance
Him: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t waste so much
money.”
Her: “You know, it’s interesting that so many men have this
feeling that their wives don’t love them. Why do you think
that’s the case?”
or
Her: “When did you start to feel that I didn’t love you?”
November 2014

8. “Section A” Attacks
If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t (Y)
•LTC Jones: “MAJ Smith, If you really cared about the
mission, you would/wouldn’t do (Y).”
•MAJ Smith: “You know, Sir, it’s interesting when leaders
think their subordinates don’t care about the mission.”
•LTC Jones: “Well, I’m only talking about you.”
•MAJ Smith: “Well then, Sir, when did you start feeling I
didn’t care about the mission?”
•LTC Jones: It’s obvious you haven’t cared from day one
•MAJ Smith: It’s interesting that a professional like you
would wait several months after you noticed such a
deficiency to mention it.
November 2014

9. “Section B” Attacks
If you really (X), you would/wouldn’t want to (Y)
or If you really (X), you wouldn’t even want to (Y)
or, If you really (X), you would at least want to (Y)
•These attacks presuppose two things:
(1) You don’t really (X); and
(2) You have the power to control not just your actions, but
also your personal desires.
•Presupposition (1) may or may not be true, but
presupposition (2) is always false.
•Pick which presupposition you want respond to before you
proceed.
November 2014

10. “Section B” Attacks
Example 1: Full computer mode:
Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you
wouldn’t want to dress that way.”
Daughter: “The idea that people don’t care about
other people’s health is interesting—don’t you
think? It would seem that any human being would,
just naturally, be concerned about the welfare of
other people. . .but just look at the state of health
care in this country!”
November 2014

11. “Section B” Attacks
Ex 2: Responding to the 2nd presupposition
Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you
wouldn’t want to dress that way.”
Daughter: “You know, the idea that people are
able to control not only their actions, but their
desires also is a fascinating one.”
November 2014

12. “Section B” Attacks
Ex 3: When?
Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you
wouldn’t want to dress that way.”
Daughter: “When did you start thinking I didn’t care
about your health?”
November 2014

13. “Section B” Attacks
Ex 4: Have you always?
Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you
wouldn’t want to dress that way.”
Daughter: “Mother, have you always thought that
people could control their wishes and their
desires?”
November 2014

14. “Section B” Attacks
Ex 5: Counter-Attack?
Mother: “If you really cared about my health, you
wouldn’t want to dress that way.”
Daughter: “Mother, when a woman reaches your
age, dear, she often begins to think that nobody
cares about her health. It’s very common, and it’s
perfectly understandable, and you mustn’t worry
about it for a single minute.”
November 2014

15. “Section C” Attacks
“Don’t you even care about (X)?”
Presupposes:
(1) You don’t care about (X); and
(2) You should care about (X) and you’re rotten not to, and
therefore;
(3) You should feel guilty about this.
November 2014

16. “Section C” Attacks
Example 1: Blunt approach:
Them: “Don’t you even care about _____ (your
little girl flunking third grade, your job, etc.)”
You: “No, why?”
November 2014

17. “Section C” Attacks
Example 2: When
Them: “Don’t you even care about _____ (your
little girl flunking third grade, your job, etc.)”
You: “Pardon me, Bob, but when did you first start
thinking I had no interest in _______”
November 2014

18. “Section C” Attacks
Example 3: Redirection:
Colonel Smith: “Don’t you even care about the
mission here in Crapistan?
You: “Sir, do you see this indifference to the
mission as a general problem, or do you feel it’s
confined to company grade officers here?”
November 2014

19. “Section C” Attacks
Example 4: Computer Mode:
Colonel Smith: “Don’t you even care about the
mission here in Crapistan?
You: “That question is definitely worth exploring;
however, before any attempt can be made to answer
it, there is the problem of actually putting one’s finger
on the cause of this indifference to the mission that
you’ve noticed. A number of factors that might account
for it come to mind—but your perception of the
matter—from where you sit—would constitute a
valueable source of preliminary data.”
November 2014

20. “Section C” Attacks
Example 5: Counter-attack:
Colonel Smith: “Don’t you even care about the
mission here in Crapistan?
You: “Sir, that’s an interesting idea…that a Soldier
who wants to spend time in the gym, take care of
his personal needs, and go on midtour leave isn’t
concerned about his job. But I never expected to
hear it from you.”
November 2014

21. “Section D” Attacks
“Even you should . . .” “Even (X) should (Y)”
•“Even someone your age should know that term papers
have to be typed.”
•Presupposes:
(1) whatever your age is, it’s wrong;
(2) the fact that term papers have to be typed is so well
known that for you to know to not know it is further proof of
how inferior you are and;
(3) you should feel very guilty and ashamed.
November 2014

22. “Section D” Attacks
“Even you should . . .” “Even (X) should (Y)”
•The essential response to a Section D attack is the
following pattern:
• “The opinion that [fill in the presupposition] is a rather
[interesting, common, typical, etc.] one, but I’m surprised to
hear it from you.”
November 2014

23. “Section D” Attacks
Example 1
Husband: “Even a woman ought to be able to
change a flat tire, you know.”
Wife: “The opinion that women are somehow
inferior to men is a rather common one—but I’m
surprised to hear it coming from you, darling.”
November 2014

24. “Section D” Attacks
Example 2
Boss: “Even a company grade officer should know
how to do this.”
You: “The opinion that a company grade officer, or
any officer, should have zero defects is a rather
interesting one, but I’m surprised to hear it coming
from you, Sir.”
November 2014

25. “Section D” Attacks
Example 3
Boss: “Even a Lieutenant should know how to.”
You: “Sir, have you always thought that lieutenants
didn’t know what they were doing?”
Boss: No, just you.
You: Well, let’s talk about it then. What I can I do
to improve?”
November 2014

26. “Section D” Attacks
Example 4
Boss: “Even a Lieutenant should know how to.”
You: “Sir, you’re absolutely right and I’m going to
do something about that just as quickly as
possible. Do you want to help me with that right
now our should we set up a time for later?
November 2014

27. “Section D” Attacks
Example 5
Boss: “Even someone who doesn’t give two shits
about the mission of this task force should care
about . . .”
You: “Sir, when did you start feeling like I didn’t
have any interest in the mission here.?”
Boss: “It’s obvious you never have.”
You: “Like I said, Sir, when did you start feeling
this way?”
Boss: “From the day you got here.”
November 2014

28. “Section D” Attacks
Example 5
You: “That’s interesting.”
Boss: “What’s interesting?”
Boss: “That a professional like yourself would wait
three months to counsel a subordinate about their
deficiencies.”
Boss: “Huh?”
You: “Is everything okay…with you…Sir?”
November 2014

29. “Section E Attacks
“Everyone understands why you (X)”
•“Anyone with even a shred of decency can understand
why you (X).” DO NOT RESPOND TO (X)!!!!
•Presupposes:
(1) There is something very wrong with you;
(2) This ‘something wrong’ is well known to everyone
around you;
(3) This ‘something wrong’ is so wrong that we are more
than willing to forgive you for it;
(4) You should be very, very grateful to all of us for being
so perceptive and understanding;
(5) You should be very ashamed of yourself.
November 2014

30. “Section E Attacks
Example 1
•Boss: “Everyone understands why you (X).”
•You: “How very kind of them. I’m deeply touched. And
how nice of you to mention it.”
•Now, sit back, wait, and look mildly interested.
November 2014

31. “Section E Attacks
Example 2
•CDR: “Jim, everyone understands why you’re having such
a tough time as a Platoon Leader.”
•You: “Sir, the unit that’s able to achieve such a spirit of
understanding is really rare and undoubtedly a credit to
your great leadership. One can only feel sympathy for
other military units where such a spirit is lacking.”
November 2014

32. “Section E Attacks
Example 3
•CDR: “Jim, everyone understands why you’re having such
a tough time as a Platoon Leader.”
•You: “How perceptive of them. And how nice of you to
mention it, Sir.”
•CDR: Well…that’s not really what I wanted to talk to you
about.
•You: Oh, sorry. Nothing like a misunderstanding to start off
a conversation. Why don’t we start over. What is it you are
trying to say, Sir.
November 2014

33. “Section E Attacks
Example 4
•CDR: “Jim, all of your colleagues, including me understand
why you are so convinced you can’t trust any of us.”
•You: “Do they? I’m sure the support of one’s colleagues is
always reassuring in situations of this kind, Sir.”
•CDR: “I’m not sure you understand what I was trying to
say, Jim.”
•You: “That is of course possible, Sir.”
[Sit back, and wait with a neutral expression]
November 2014

34. “Section E Attacks
Example 5
•CDR: “Jim, I want you to know that all the leadership here,
including me, understands why you are having such a hard
time.”
•You: “The way that field grade officers are always able to
agree on every issue is an amazing phenomenon. One
wonders what the Army would be like without that
determination to hang together at all costs.”
•CDR: “I’m don’t think you understand me”
•You: “That’s possible. What are you saying, Sir.”
[Sit back, and wait with a neutral expression]
November 2014

35. “Section F” Attacks
“A person who (X) (Y)”
•“A person who wanted to succeed on this deployment
would volunteer to go out on dangerous missions that are
of little to no value.”
•Presupposes:
(1) There is a set of persons who want to succeed on this
deployment; and
(2) You are not one of them.
November 2014

36. “Section F Attacks
Example 1
•CDR: “Mike, a person who really wanted to succeed on
this deployment would volunteer to go out on dangerous
missions”
•You: “That seems perfectly reasonable.”
•CDR: Silence . . .
November 2014

37. “Section F” Attacks
Example 2
•CDR: “Mike, a person who really wanted to succeed on
this deployment would volunteer to go out on dangerous
missions”
•You: “I couldn’t agree with you more, Sir. The problem is,
of course, deciding how one should determine which of
these missions to volunteer to go on.”
•CDR: Silence . . .
•You: You’re quite right. There are no immediate answers
that jump out.
•CDR: Well, Mike, what do you think out to be the first
step? (fishing)
November 2014

38. “Section F” Attacks
Example 2
•You: “Frankly, Sir, it’s entirely out of my area of expertise.
That you called me in on the matter is gratifying, but I’m
afraid you’ve overestimated my scope of competence.”
•CDR: “I see, well thank you, Mike.”
•You: “Not at all, Sir. It’s unfortunate that I’ve got no useful
input to offer, but I’m quite sure you’ll find someone else on
the task force who will be able to clear things up
satisfactorily.”
November 2014

39. “Section F” Attacks
Example 2
•You: “Frankly, Sir, it’s entirely out of my area of expertise.
That you called me in on the matter is gratifying, but I’m
afraid you’ve overestimated my scope of competence.”
•CDR: “I see, well thank you, Mike.”
•You: “Not at all, Sir. It’s unfortunate that I’ve got no useful
input to offer, but I’m quite sure you’ll find someone else on
the task force who will be able to clear things up
satisfactorily.”
November 2014

40. “Section F” Attacks
Example 3
•CDR: “Mike, an officer who has any concern for his career
wouldn’t show up late for work.”
•You: “That seems perfectly reasonable”
•CDR: “Then why did you do it.”
•You: “I’m sorry. I don’t know, and I don’t intend to do it
again.”
November 2014

41. “Section F” Attacks
Example 4
•CDR: “Mike, an officer who has any concern for his career
wouldn’t show up late for work.”
•You: “You’re absolutely right. The problem, of course, is
what to do in a situation like that.”
•CDR: “A situation like what?”
•You: “Like when your dog dies and the toilet explodes, and
then your car won’t start. It’s hard to know what to do then.”
November 2014

42. “Section G” Attacks
“Why don’t you ever / Why do you always”
•Blamer attack mode
•Presupposition is you never (X) or always (Y)
•Comes from people we have close relationships with
•Don’t take the bait and do not strike back!
November 2014

43. “Section G Attacks
Example 1
•Wife: “Why don’t you ever try to make me happy?”
•You: “Would it make you happy if we quit our jobs and
moved to Wyoming?!”
•Wife: “God no!”
•You: “Well, lets not do that then! What would you like for
dinner?”
November 2014

44. “Section G Attacks
Example 2
•Husband: “Why do you always . . . (X)!”
•Wife: “You know, if I’m doing that, I should be ashamed of
myself. Tell you what, you make a list of things you don’t
want me to do [about X . . . .make it overkill]? Fair enough?
November 2014

45. “Section G Attacks
Example 3
•Husband: “Why do you always . . . (X)!”
•Wife: “What’s really bothering you?”
November 2014

46. “Section G Attacks
Example 4
•Husband: “Why do you always . . . (X)!”
•Wife: “What’s really bothering you?”
November 2014

47. “Section H” Attacks
“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”
Example 1
•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset
if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”
•You: “Really, Sir. It would be interesting to hear your
opinion on the matter.”
November 2014

48. “Section H” Attacks
“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”
Example 2
•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset
if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”
•You: “That’s been said a good deal and is undoubtedly an
interesting idea.”
November 2014

49. “Section H” Attacks
“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”
Example 3
•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset
if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”
•You: “I wonder if your colleagues are aware of your
position on the matter.”
November 2014

50. “Section H” Attacks
“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”
Example 4
•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset
if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”
•You: “Well, Sir, how nice to know you’re not one of them!”
November 2014

51. “Section H” Attacks
“Some Xs would Y if/when Z”
Example 5
•CDR: “Some field grade officers would become very upset
if their subordinates asked for a 4 day pass this early.”
•You: “It’s interesting you’d say that. What exactly do you
mean?”
November 2014

52. Effective Verbal Self-Defense
Questions?
www.thewritesofweiss.com
September 2014