This document provides an overview of forming healthy intimate relationships. It discusses intimacy as involving vulnerability and risk, and not being defined by sex alone. Intimacy is described as having four dimensions: emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical. Healthy intimacy involves balancing individuality and togetherness through differentiation - maintaining a clear sense of self even when close to others. The document emphasizes starting intimacy from within by revealing aspects of oneself, and cautions against forcing intimacy or defining relationships solely by physical aspects.

1. How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships “Theology on Tap” Edition

2. Who am I? Former St. Brigid staff pastoral counselor from 2004-2006. USD graduate with MA in Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005). Alliant Int’l University graduate with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007). Currently an intern at a local agency and in private practice.

3. My Website www.pccsandiego.com pcc = Pastoral Counseling Center

4. Slides are available www.slideshare.net Search on “introduction to intimacy” or “ryanbuchmann” Movie clips will not be available.

5. Book Recommendation

6. Book Recommendation

8. Movie Clip The Incredibles

10. Movie Clip Sex and Breakfast

11. What is “intimacy?” “Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation…

12. What is “confrontation?” A meeting of persons face to face An open conflict of opposing ideas

13. What is “self-confrontation?” an event in which one is forced to recognize one's true self and its possible implications and/or consequences.

14. What is “intimacy?” “Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation… …of core aspects of the self… …in the presence of a partner.” --David Schnarch Author of Passionate Marriage

15. What is “intimacy?” Relevant Point: Intimacy starts from within.

16. Premise for this Talk Your job is NOT to somehow get your partner to reveal more about him/herself. YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.

18. Finding out if someone is into you?

20. The Dimensions of Intimacy The Four Aspects of the Human Person

21. Dimensions of Intimacy Emotional Intellectual Spiritual Physical

22. Emotional Intimacy Entails knowledge of one’s feelings Being able to identify when one is experiencing an emotion. The ability to label the emotion which one is experiencing. The ability to know the source of the emotion.

23. Media Clip “What Dreams May Come”

24. Intellectual Intimacy Knowing how you think and what you believe to be true. To which beliefs to do you hold rigidly? To which do you hold flexibly? What drives, inspires, and motivates your beliefs? What is the source of your beliefs? What experiences did you undergo to form your beliefs?

25. Book Recommendation Eve Eschner-Hogan with Steven Hogan

26. Movie Clip He’s Just Not That into You

27. Spiritual Intimacy Each person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self. The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be. We are most happy when we are authentic.

28. Natural Drives The drive to be one’s authentic self can be called the drive toward the autonomous self . Relationshipis another primary human drive.

29. Natural Drives People move toward relationship to insure survival of self and to procreate. People move toward autonomy to establish one’s individual identity and one’s place in the world.

30. The Delicate Balance Human beings must delicately balance the drive for relationship with the drive for autonomy.

31. The Delicate Balance Togetherness urges us toward others for attachment, affiliation, and for approval. Finds expression in companionship, family, and society itself.

32. The Delicate Balance Individuality is defining one’s self as separate from others. Individual beliefs, choices, personal autonomy.

33. The Delicate Balance Balancing between individuality (autonomy) and togetherness (relationship) creates a constant tension. Relationship Togetherness Individuality

34. The Delicate Balance In the early stages of a relationship, the goal is to develop togetherness (e.g. things in common). Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of the other, to be a part of the group.

35. We Become Like Those We Love!

36. It gets dicey! Once togetherness has been established, we yearn to retain our individuality. We are propelled to follow our own directives, to be on our own, and to create a unique identity. This flies in the face of the “rules of togetherness.”

37. Differentiation The ability to maintain your sense of self… …when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others… …especially as they become increasingly close to you. --David Schnarch “Passionate Marriage”

38. Differentiation For the undifferentiated person, the need for togetherness resembles a neediness to be loved and accepted (aka “clingy” or “high maintenance”). There is a continued need for contact, validation, and consensus from the other. This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are.

39. Differentiation The differentiated person does not say “I need my space.” They can stay in the relationship and know who they are. Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or you are not in a primary love relationship.

40. Media Clip “The Incredibles”

41. Media Clip “The Incredibles”

42. Media Clip “The Incredibles”

43. Media Clip “The Incredibles”

44. Excuse Me… Weren’t we talking about Spiritual Intimacy?

45. Spiritual Intimacy The act of becoming your authentic self while remaining in a relationship is a movement toward authenticity which is directly connected to God’s plan.

46. Spiritual Intimacy [Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Mt 18:1-3

47. Book Recommendation

48. Book Recommendation

49. Physical Intimacy Easy to do: a smile, a handshake, an embrace, a kiss on the cheek. As a couple we hold hands, walk arm in arm, or snuggle. Physical intimacy entails connecting with someone through any of the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, or taste.

50. The Problem Very BAD! People think intimacy can be experienced by having SEX!

51. Sex The Problem Intimacy

52. Physical Intimacy When physical intimacy is established too quickly, it begins to stunt the growth of the relationship. We begin judge the quality and value of our relationship on the basis of physical intimacy.

53. Intimacy A Better Approach Sex

54. Movie Clip When Harry Met Sally

55. Consider this… Which of the 4 dimensions of intimacy is the easiest to do? Emotional Intellectual Spiritual Physical

56. Consider this… …So if the physical dimension is gone (i.e. “stopped having sex”), what does that say about the actualization of the other dimensions?

57. Cautionary Note! Don’t try to force intimacy. Remember: Intimacy will happen when it happens. Be open to it! YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange. Show yours first.

58. Questions?