iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
An empowering journey guiding you through the
discovery of four types of resilience.
CREATED & PRESENTED BY DUFFLYN LAMMERS
CPC, CAI, CRS
WRITER • ACTOR • COACH
The main thing you need to know about
resilience is that it can be learned.
TO MOVE FROM A “FIXED MINDSET” TO “GROWTH MINDSET”
In her groundbreaking book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Dr. Carol
Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, backs me up with twenty years
This workshop will transform your life by showing you what resilience is and giving you
an experience of it.
Today you will learn the 4 types of resilience and begin to access what you have and
What is the first rule of improv?
We do not negate the choices of another player, we build on what they have offered
• to trust in the process, to be OK with not knowing where things are headed
• how to manage stress and conflict in a way that is not confrontational or avoidant
This is a growth mindset. Everything is a gift. A growth mindset is to believe that any person’s
true potential is unknowable, or “the belief that your basic qualities are things you can
cultivate through your efforts.” (Dweck)
Count To 20
• The group stands in a circle, looks at the ground, and closes their eyes.
• We will count to 20 together without indicating who will say the next number.
• The goal of the exercise is to count to 20 as a team.
• Sound easy? The challenge is that no one knows who will speak each number, and if two
or more people speak at once, the entire group starts back at 1. Once in position, anyone
at all starts the warm-up by saying “one.” Then, another person continues with “two...”
Relationships are the lifeblood of
TRUE CONNECTION REQUIRES HONESTY, VULNERABILITY, ATTUNEMENT &
Johan Hari, a British journalist has said “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s
We must attune to the others around us and open ourselves to connection if we want to
Relationships can provide us with companionship, accountability, and the opportunity to know
ourselves by seeing ourselves mirrored back to us.
And notice how we will often try to harder for the sake of someone we love, even when we
wouldn’t do something for ourselves.
Who in your personal life depends on you? What support do you provide for that
What would happen if this person could have full confidence in your ability and desire to
be dependable and supportive?
How would it change the relationship?
Who depends on you at work? What would happen if this person couldn’t count on
Is there anything you can do that would make you a more reliable or dependable
Count Down to Create Teams
Each team finds one inanimate object, it can be a book, a pen, a belt, a cup
whatever. It must be something in this room. Work together to create a story about
that object addressing the following questions:
1. How big is your object (remember you can play with scale)
2. How old?
3. What does it eat?
4. Where does it live?
5. What does it want or love most in the world?
6. What does it fear the most?
WRAP UP: Each team presents to the group, each member of the team takes a turn
answering one of the questions, the first words of your part of the story will be “yes
When you have Resource Resilience you
THAT YOUR RESILIENCE CAN BE INCREASED BY TAPPING INTO THE
RESOURCES YOU CURRENTLY POSSESS OR COULD POTENTIALLY POSSESS.
In his book 7 Tools to Beat Addiction Dr. Stanton Peele writes, “ Research shows that the
more resources people have and develop the more likely they are to recover from
addiction.” You just made up a life for a completely inanimate object which you had to
resource from this room. You had no idea you were going to do that when you came in
here. You created something from nothing. This is about “Resource Resilience”- reaching
into your life to find the resources you can draw from, some are inside you and some are
around you, such as: your bank account, community , social skills, the internet, your
imagination, the library, supportive relationships, skills and talents you possess
How can you personally access resource resilience in your life?
What have others told you you’re good at?
Are you currently pursuing those skills or talents? If not, why not?
What would it take for you to get reconnected with this resource?
What talent have you dreamed of acquiring but haven’t yet exerted the
time and effort to pursue?
What skills or talents and resources do you currently possess that you’re
not fully using?
From the Bottom Up
PART ONE - WRITING EXERCISE:
Write down 6 key moments in your own life when you were vulnerable.
Choose one where you wish you could have a "do-over." Acknowledge the problem in
that moment- the loss, the pain, the reality.
How could you use that moment as a springboard to fuel your resilience-- to channel
your frustration into something positive?
What would most people do in that situation? How could you do the opposite--
something totally unexpected? OR if you are happy with the way you handled it, how
can you expand intensify and enlarge your choice?
From the Bottom Up
PART TWO - SHARING EXERCISE:
Find a partner, I encourage you to work with the person you know the least
Share your story with the new ending, your new choice, as if it is what you have already
While on partner shares, the other is silent and does not react, only listens until the
other has finished. Full body listening, turned toward the one sharing.
You have ten minutes to complete. A bell will ring when you are at 5 minutes, that is
your signal to switch and the person who has been sharing now listens.
This is about “Rock Bottom Resilience”
ROCK BOTTOM, TO ME, IS WHEN YOU FEEL YOU DON’T HAVE THE MOTIVATION
TO CONTINUE TO TRY OR GO ON IN LIFE.
You lose the desire to fight on or put in the effort to even do daily tasks. You’re burned out,
exhausted, overwhelmed. It may or may not be an actual low point in your life, for many
an “emotional” rock bottom can arrive even when we appear to “have it all.”
So, what do you do when there is nowhere to go but up? These are the moments that
define us. Making a conscious choice in that moment gives you the chance to co-create
your life. This is about seeing challenges as opportunities. Eckhart Tollé says "when
something bad happens use it for enlightenment" And it’s never to late to capitalize on
those moments as you have just demonstrated. The ability to use adversity as fuel has
inspired great innovators from Frida Kahlo to Stephen King to Nelson Mandela.
What has helped you combat hopelessness and fight on during times
when you’ve felt you’re at rock bottom?
Are there any areas of your life where hope currently seems lost?
Is this situation in or out of your control?
How can the strategies you used in the past help you again?
Your Story Is Your Gold
A story is a character who wants something, overcomes great obstacles to get it, and is
forever changed in the process.
In every story, there is that moment for the hero where all the odds are against him and
he says, “Oh yeah, watch me!” So if you are the hero of your own life, write down:
• Who are you, as the character?
• What is it you want, what’s driving you?
• What are the obstacles stand in your way? Inner and outer.
• How will you be changed by the end? (use your imagination here to envision the you,
you will become)
This is about “Street Resilience”
ON THE STREET YOU ARE OFTEN ON YOUR OWN, PEOPLE WILL PUT YOU DOWN
AND DISRESPECT YOU, THERE ARE VILLAINS, LIKE IN ANY GOOD STORY.
Studies have shown that those who learn to express a "coherent affective narrative”, a
clear story of their emotional life, can earn:
a secure attachment • psychological health • happiness
It is also true that a person lacking narrative coherence is instinctively driven to repeat key
mistakes. This is so because destructive tendencies are propelled by destructive self-
perceptions, which can't be examined and disproved consciously without the ability to
understand and talk about your life journey.
What you say to yourself about a setback has a big impact on your ability to
bounce back. Any story you tell yourself about an event frames it with meaning
so that you can contextualize it. This is human nature.
There was an experiment called “The significant Objects Project” where
worthless items were placed on E-bay— items bought at garage sales or
goodwill shops for pennies. These items were then paired with fictional stories by
known authors. The authors’ names were not revealed.
What do you think happened to the value of the items?
So, how often are we making conscious choices about how we are framing
things? How often are we choosing resilience—choosing to look at the gain
instead of the loss?
WRITER • ACTOR • COACH
Understanding Your Resilience Type
1. Circle all that apply:
a. I go out of my way to acknowledge service workers.
b. I have experienced or am likely to experience some discrimination in my life.
c. When I lack an ability or skill to perform a task, I reach out to ask for help.
d. I don’t need things to make sense before I act.
2. Circle all that apply:
a. I am comfortable admitting my weaknesses.
b. Making a mistake just makes me want to try harder next time.
c. I’m not hesitant to approach people I perceive as “higher status” than I am to
ask for help or an opinion.
d. It’s easy for me to let go of resentment toward those who’ve harmed me in
3. Circle all that apply:
a. My circle of friends is increasing.
b. I’ve been able to transform some of my limitations into strengths.
c. When I’ve experienced success, I don’t assume it will continue.
d. I have been or am likely to be in a rock-bottom situation in my life.
4. Circle all that apply:
a. I’ve been told I do a good job of being aware of the needs and concerns of
b. During a typical day, I tend to focus more on what I’ve done right than
what I’ve done wrong.
c. I surround myself with people who have different skill sets than my own.
d. After I’ve made a mistake, I immediately move on with my life, not dwelling on
the error I committed.
5. Circle all that apply:
a. I actively seek ways to help those who are less powerful feel as though they
are needed and have influence.
b. Fear of failure doesn’t deter me from taking action.
c. I create learning opportunities for myself.
d. When I get angry, I don’t vent my emotions.
6. Circle all that apply:
a. I have friends who are there for me, even when I have nothing to offer in
return. b. I use rejection to work harder to achieve my goals.
c. When I’m told ‘no’ I seek ways to turn the ‘no’ into a ‘yes’.
d. I have decided in advance that when someone hurts me, I will choose to
forgive him or her.
7. Circle all that apply:
a. I’ve been told I do an excellent job of reaching out to others.
b. There are multiple people and interests in my life I can turn to in times of
c. When resources appear to be out of reach, I don’t hesitate attempting
to access them.
d. When going through a difficult time, I cope by finding something to look
Tally: As __________ Bs _________ Cs __________ Ds __________
Mostly As: You possess Relational Resilience, the ability to boost your resilience through
the human connection. Your greatest motivation to make good decisions, put more effort
into life, and not give up is the knowledge that others depend on you. You also draw
strength from emotional support from loved ones.
Mostly Bs: You possess Street Resilience, which is drawing strength from mistakes,
disrespect, and discrimination. Street Resilience is channeling your emotions—guiding
them, directing them, and using them for a productive purpose, instead of letting your
emotions use you.
Mostly Cs: You possess Resource Resilience, allowing you to tap into known and
unknown reserves. Not only do you maximize your talents, mindset, abilities,
relationships, money, and personality, but you also have undeveloped talents and
untapped capabilities that you are also use or develop.
Mostly Ds: You possess Rock Bottom Resilience, accessing hope when hope seems lost.
We all crash. It is part of the human condition. Rock Bottom Resilience allows you to
believe in your ability to change your circumstances, combat hopelessness, and fight on. It
helps you believe in potential unforeseen options even during the most difficult times.
• Rising Strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live,
love, parent, and lead by Brene Brown (Random House, 2017).
• The Resilience Breakthrough by Christian Moore (Greenleaf Book
Group Press, 2014)
• Resilience: Why Things Bounce Back by Andrew Zolli, et al. (Simon &
• Resilience (Emotional Intelligence Series) edited by Harvard Business
Review (Harvard Business Review, 2017).
• Collaborative Intelligence: Think with Others Who Think Differently by
Dawna Marcova, Ph.D. and Angie McArthur (Spiegel & Grau, 2015).