The document contains a collection of poems written between July 1999 and January 2000. The poems explore themes of memory, relationships, isolation, anxiety and depression through abstract language and imagery. They describe feelings of confusion, lack of direction and a desire for escape from one's inner thoughts and the outside world. Recurring ideas include fading memories, drifting through life, and the appeal of sleep as an escape from reality.

2. THE REC
There's a light shining today
On two or three trees
They highlight certain choices made
And all around
Reluctantly
I admit the beauty
I let go of the fog
Before my eyes
And concentrate on chewing grass.
Every evening
The softest murmur
I no longer know
Whether it's you or me
But such sweet tones
Do tell a story
Of days spent
Under those trees.
(20/7/99)
APPEAL

3. I dream one day
We'll have that conversation
That's been rehearsed
A thousand times
I dream one day
You'll wake up and realise
What was going on
Such a long long time ago.
Propelled forwards
By unknown forces
As weeks blur
Stomachs churn
Sneezes
Coughs
Asthmatic wheezes
Old friends
New shoes
No, nothing is new
Nothing is real
Sleep
The only appeal.
(20/7/99)
WITH SOME REGARD
A notion of continued existence

4. Operating to some extent
In their true colours
Impressions or perceptions
Present to the senses
We suppose too much
Distinct from the mind
Does not consist in any matter of fact
Vice and virtue
Compared
Sound, colours
Running hot and cold
Truth and falsehood
As I reason with you
But you're not capable
Of such abstract morality
Influences
Considerations
Actions and affections
Carved into this identity
Which remains
As alien as ever
And memory serves me
When I reward it
With experience
Indulging in pain
Guilt
Negatives
Seeping from every pore
As words form a useful ally
I turn my back
On what you claim to be real
But I feel no foundation
I taste no direction
Too dangerously
Self aware
I fear I'll catch myself
When I turn too quickly
The necessary connection
Is made
Signed and sealed
By these simple ideas
Of walking and talking
And taking in air
Dragging my feet
As us cynics do
Apparently
I seek to reverse
But there's no going back
The scepticism
Becoming
Total
And this time
I've gone too far.
(27/7/99)
WIN

5. I move efficiently
It moves erratically
We don't stand a chance any more.
I see the neon lights
He drinks so he can see no more
And we all fall down again.
This was hell
And you were proud of your creation
Because nobody
Told you what to do.
This was hell
So glad you made it
Because nobody
Even knew that it was you.
I'm happy for the fun of it
They're happy, too happy to go on
We don't need to listen now.
This was mine
And you stood on it
Because nobody
Gave you one of your own.
This was mine
As many would tell me
Because nobody
Thought I deserved it.
NO CHANCE

6. You think you've reached me
Don't you?
You think you've found the way
So just because I let you lie here
You think that's how it stays.
Are you aware
Of how much I keep
Of how much
Is left unsaid?
I may be heartless
I may be cruel
But you're not the one
To penetrate this shield.
I open up a fragment
You don't even catch a glimpse
Constructing what you think I am
But never standing a chance.
(20/7/99)
FUCHSIAS

7. I killed the fuchsias
Because my memory fails
A simple request denied
By my lust for retreat
Into my smoke filled mind
And now I can't find
The watering can.
(26/8/99)
OWEN

8. Today we learnt your name
When you granted permission
To let us reach out
Charcoal against pinkish skin
A furry delight far from home
That brought a momentary
Release from monotony.
Wary of playful hands
A warning stretch
And careful movements
Until time and boredom
Took its toll and you
Continued in your adventure.
(26/8/99)
SKELETON KEY

9. There must be some way out of this
A secret password
Skeleton key
Let me in that world
Where everyone else lives.
Am I supposed to remember I'm me?
Said to you I won't accept
This as a permanent fixture
But I suffer with it pulling at me
Down, every day, whilst I somehow
Propel myself on in this cloudy existence
Holding things back through an
Ever increasing fear
And all the while I recognise
From bad to worse it intensifies
But secretly hope that in a
Waking hour I'll be able to
Carry on again.
Too many plans and no focus
Too much time alone trapped
Inside with conversations in my head
Whilst reality violently shoved to
The side as I retreat and hide
Hoping someone else will find me and
I can refuse any responsibility.
(27/9/99)
FLOODS

10. Don't have a hope
But you learn to cope
Can't remember how to
Stop playing the game
Can't find pause
Can't stand all the noise
Keeps me awake
When I'm being ignored.
Remind me
Remind me how I fell in the ditch
Remind me
Was it me or her, the bitch
Come find me
Try and guess how many days left
Red in the face
Bubble will burst
As it all floods back to you.
Don't have a smile
Can't see the signs
Can only concentrate on one thing at a time.
Stop trying to choke me
With your advice and ideas
Directions and careers
When I can't even stay awake
Remind me
Remind me how I fit in this again
Remind me
Was it I who failed a friend
Come find me
Try to guess my way out of this mess
Red in the face
Bubble will burst
As it all floods back to you.
(27/9/99)
TOO FAR

11. When you bring me home
All I can do is lie
And I wonder why
I let it get that far.
The angel left
Me today
She packed her things
Flew away
She was camouflaged
Luminous blue on blue
And I wonder why
I took the time
I let it go too far.
When you bring me home
All I can do is lie
The blue angel
Begged me to let her fly
So I turned my back
As she began to pack
And I knew
It'd gone too far.
When you bring me home
All I can do is lie
Is that what you expect these days?
I can see through sympathy
I can feel those eyes on me
All I can do is lie
And you never even ask me why
'Cos you know it's gone too far.
The angel left
Me today
Upped and flew right away
Without a word
Into the blue
Even she knew
We all do
That this has gone too far.
(14/1/00)

12. RUNNER UP
Running away
Carried away
Trippin' over my own feet
Carried away
Thoughts of you
Imaginary future
What will become
Of this
And my false starts?
Disqualified
Well
Who could love you
Anyway?
Optimism is deadly
Destructive
Unhealthy
Squint at blatant
Mistakes
Did I plunge head first?
Did you push?
Can't pin the blame yet
But the day will come
I can see into the future
See
And follow through
I do
I keep on
With what I know
And what I hope
A turn of events
Or a nail in the coffin
The final straw
Wiping the slate clean
'Til good faith
Seeps away
And all that remains
Is the shell of weeks ago
Before I tried to let you in
Before I realised
You weren't in
But too late now
"You got me"
The baton
Hand over time
You're in the clear
I lag
Breathless.
(15/12/99)

13. THE MOMENT
Intensity measured
By the longing
Fractured recollections
Of one night
Which clarified
My perception
As I fought off doubts
Concentrating on what I've heard called
The moment.
And now it dawns
A role reversal
Maturity in another
Mismatch
Same situation
Different sense of self
And I'm the one more eager
I'm the one
Under the thumb
Desperate for
The moment
To be squeezed and stretched
Beyond recognition
Take away
The moment
And reproduce it
A thousand times
Not fractions and fragments
But epic journeys
With hands in pockets
Stomachs
Dry kisses
And eye contact
Which is as
Fresh as ever
And mystifying
This alien predicament
Uncompromising
Dissatisfying still revitalising
And false
As we both know
That you need this
More than me
But
I want this
More than you
And fucking on a
Cold Saturday morning
Quick and desperate
Because I have to leave
Is not enough
And not as it used to be.
(20/12/99)

14. HOW STEVE FELT
Now I know how
Steve must have felt
But does she know
How to feel any guilt?
No
I don't think so.
While I'm at the
End of the string
I'll make sure
I take
My bow
Yes
I really think so
Now that I know
How Steve felt.
The sermon last night
A confused rant
Alcohol
The battering ram
To her ruddy face
And his fixed grin
Paws, guffaws
I know what it meant
Where explanations
Of circular, cyclical
My education kept
Within
Your arms around me
See, I still speak to
You
But I smiled with
Relief and realisation
That my heart didn't
Miss a beat
When you touched me
No
I don't think so
That reward has
Been passed on
To darker climes
Further pains?
Yes
I really think so
Now that I know
How
Steve must have felt.
(30/12/99)

15. CONCRETE
You
Are the one
I assumed would never hurt me
I'm the fool
I'll never assume again.
Say you're sorry
And I strive for objectivity
What do you know?
That doesn't work.
Muddled along
I've struggled along
It was other people
Offering hurdles.
I
Always thought
We were united
Through need and want
Cracks have emerged.
(21/6/99)

16. MAKE MY DAY
For the moment
I'm not afraid
But you can't say
Anything
That'll make my day
Say anything
To me though
Anyway
Let my mind wander.
Here and now
I'm no one new
But I could be
Any one
To you,
To you
I'm just another
In an endless line.
So, let me
Wander
By myself
Let me roam
Without you in toe
Without your voice
Its restless echo
Keeping track of me.
So let me
Wander
Further than I can see
A speck in the distance
No other
No company
If you expect
Me to find
A way.
(3/8/99)