The document appears to be a collection of poems or lyrics written by the author at different points between 2000 and 2010. The poems explore themes of isolation, loneliness, confusion, self-doubt, and difficulty in relationships. In many of the poems, the author criticizes themselves for past mistakes and inability to change or grow, suggesting an ongoing struggle with mental health issues.
1. 01371600My Place?<br />Breathless phone laughter <br />Makes me gag<br />You remind me of a <br />Friend I had<br />I told myself it was because you’re<br />Good<br />And now I realise I<br />Misunderstood.<br />Naivety doesn’t even cover it<br />Stupidity is to loose a term<br />I’m left helpless<br />An alien emotion<br />That isn’t accepted<br />Without a stomach churn.<br />So you let him win<br />So you let him go on<br />You announce the faults<br />Then turn with a smile<br />You give him all he ever wanted<br />Now with no ties<br />And you think it’s ‘sorted’.<br />So the lies then mean nothing<br />Will you let the dirt be your shroud?<br />When you say it’s no big deal<br />Flash your well-executed frown<br />And your silent screaming’s are<br />No longer subtle or well meaning<br />They’re pitiful and way past<br />The wake up call you deny<br />Yourself with every agreement<br />Every forgiveness, every time you<br />Push it down.<br />If I’m the pot, boiling, bubbling<br />What does that make you?<br />Who do you think you’re fooling?<br />(11.7.00)<br />Into the…<br />He haunted me <br />With his melody<br />A sad tune<br />Only for the dark.<br />He told me<br />This one is for you<br />And this is for the <br />Dark.<br />Under the stars<br />He wept so long<br />He cried too hard<br />He sang his song into the dark.<br />The lonely night sky<br />Gave a chilling sigh<br />The moon crept behind <br />A cloud.<br />The last I heard from him<br />The last I saw his face<br />Smiling back<br />Into the dark<br />(29.12.00)<br />The Paranormal<br />Wake me<br />When the day is over<br />So I can pretend<br />It’s the beginning for me.<br />You know the truth<br />No one else need know<br />This is the end for me<br />This is the end.<br />But for now<br />We keep walking<br />And we don’t turn back<br />Put your hand in mine<br />My private ghost<br />We can pretend<br />That we are the same<br />And I’ll whisper to you<br />Smiling<br />Once<br />In a while<br />And in the rain<br />We’ll stand<br />So I can tell you<br />That this is the end<br />(29.12.00)<br />There for the taking<br />So here I am<br />I take it quietly<br />I take it all<br />I’m on my own<br />And I take it all<br />I’ll even smile<br />As I silently drown<br />I put up my hand<br />Surrender, no frown<br />Quietly<br />Without a sound.<br />I’m on my own<br />My rescue is fiction<br />My shield is suffering<br />A contradiction.<br />As they lean<br />I protect myself<br />I stand strong<br />And bite my tongue<br />I can take it all<br />I know I can<br />I’ve been trained well<br />I know the drill<br />Close your eyes<br />Breathe in deep<br />Don’t utter a word<br />Your voice you keep.<br />So here I am<br />I can take it all<br />I’ll make them proud<br />That well timed grin<br />The perfect shroud.<br />(1.2.01)<br />Christmas Tune<br />A cracked bauble under her feet<br />Bled to death beneath the tree<br />You told me to cease with my dreams<br />Only because I eat too much cheese<br />A broken arm on the roof<br />Pretending to be Santa wasn’t fool proof<br />And I didn’t laugh, I tell the truth<br />But I only did because of you<br />Who stole Christmas? Who took it away?<br />I used to enjoy this one day<br />Now I’m gloomy all the way<br />So much so, I have nothing to say<br />I bury my head in a mince pie<br />I drink so much I could die<br />I close my eyes and pretend I can fly<br />I laugh so much, I can’t help but cry.<br />(Dec 2000)<br />The Colours<br />Out the window I see a black cloud staring at me<br />And I don’t care as the rain falls<br />‘Cos I’m safe inside<br />In here I can hide<br />From all that is real<br />And even when I stare for too long<br />And a tearing at my heart begins<br />I can close my eyes<br />Listening to the water dripping onto the sill<br />So still<br />I can sit<br />And my mind can wander<br />To futures so rosy<br />My future so bright<br />Sunshine and oceans<br />And millions of stars that shine at night<br />Take me away I want to say<br />From all this grey<br />I demand it today of all days<br />But yeah, I know I must stay<br />For a little while longer<br />A prisoner of this room<br />And its monotonous hold.<br />(unknown date, possibly 2000)<br />One more day<br />Clock watching<br />My new hobby<br />Born of frustration<br />The powerless sitting<br />And sitting<br />Day after day<br />Dreaming and remembering<br />That memory isn’t the ally<br />I was led to believe it was<br />It haunts me<br />It jokes and taunts and me<br />For I remember all<br />I used to do<br />All I’ve said to you<br />Even thinking of your face<br />Your voice<br />Your beautiful body<br />Doesn’t serve to soothe<br />It just goes to prove<br />That I do myself<br />No favours<br />In daydreaming<br />In looking out of the window<br />And thinking<br />Of our future together<br />The future that lies<br />Balancing<br />Precariously<br />Rocking between<br />Ifs and buts and the<br />Dreaded when<br />And optimism is <br />Fought all to easily<br />By salty tears<br />And garden rain<br />They force me to retire<br />And sit still again.<br />(unknown date, possibly 2000)<br />Regression<br />There’s a man in the road <br />At four fifteen<br />Just because I laid eyes on him<br />Doesn’t mean he was there.<br />There are two theatres in my head<br />But I haven’t seen too much<br />I haven’t seen enough<br />Of the second act.<br />You haven’t seen it<br />So you say<br />And I will laugh until my wings<br />Fall off.<br />So now you stay<br />There is nothing to fear<br />And nothing to doubt and nothing at all<br />To shout about.<br />So why all this then?<br />Why are my thoughts<br />Mis-timed? Ill-advised? <br />So very naive?<br />I can’t be alone<br />But I can’t be with you<br />And how come each time<br />I’m always in the wrong?<br />I’m not a child<br />I’m not a child<br />You are the thief<br />I’ll credit you with that.<br />Give me back my <br />Stage and lights<br />The sex you stole from me<br />Is mine.<br />The image in my head becomes<br />Brief reality<br />Even now I I know it’s a mistake<br />So why all this then?<br />The scratching in my head, I do it to forget<br />But the drama in my lungs and the coldness in my speech<br />Is a fault all of my own<br />And I’ll cry until my eyes fall out.<br />But there’s a man on the roof<br />And I saw him jump off<br />He gave e warning<br />As he vanished into the dark.<br />I didn’t hear it all<br />I know what he means<br />Have I seen too much?<br />I haven’t looked enough.<br />So now you say<br />There is no reason to smile<br />And no reason to hate<br />Nothing to enjoy and nothing to find.<br />Yes I know it’s all wrong<br />My thoughts are wrong<br />The shaking of my head<br />Tells me I am wrong.<br />(26.12.10)<br />The lesson<br />My head in my hands<br />You know what this means<br />It’s not what it seems<br />You idiot<br />You idiot<br />You’ve done it again<br />When you repeat it<br />To yourself<br />And you say<br />I’ll not make a<br />Mistake<br />No, not again<br />But you<br />Do it<br />Anyway<br />And I think I knew I would<br />And I think I though I should<br />Just to confirm<br />That I have no control<br />And just to confirm <br />That<br />I never grow up<br />You’re just the same<br />But you expect<br />It all on a plate<br />But as times change<br />I know<br />I do not<br />And it’s comfortable<br />Embarrassing<br />That my limits are<br />Clear<br />You idiot<br />Don’t you ever<br />Learn <br />You idiot<br />Look at their <br />Lives<br />They have a real life<br />And<br />You’ve done it again<br />(26.12.10)<br />