1. THIS IS NOT POETRY, PROSE, LYRICS, THESE ARE WORDS THAT FELL OUT AND PRETENTIOUS BOLLOCKS<br />OH THE ANGER AND DESPERATION AMUSES ME NOW<br />YOU MUST FORGIVE THE GRAMMAR, THE SPELLING , THE CLICHES AND THE FACT I WAS MOSTLY STONED<br />MF Tells a Story (26.2.11)<br />Motherfucker what did you say to me?<br />I told you to come here but you went away<br />I push and I push and I push you so far<br />And you scream and you cry and you take it so bad<br />I know me and I know you<br />I know what I want and I know what I can do<br />And I laugh now LOUD that I don’t know what’s there<br />In my face everyday<br />I am loving the fantasy<br />I am trapped in its grip<br />And you snapped me out of it<br />With a fail safe kick<br />And I laugh and I laugh<br />And I think you are mad<br />And I hide the shame <br />In my bottle<br />And I close my eyes<br />And the tears really came<br />Who’d though that I’d do that again?<br />Hey motherfucker<br />Won’t you take a risk?<br />Won’t you do it again?<br />Won’t you see someone who <br />Can tell you about it again<br />Do you need help? Do you need a friend?<br />Do you think I care? Do you think I pretend?<br />Impulsive (26.2.11)<br />I’m not sure who said what<br />Memory tricks me when I let it<br />Perhaps I didn’t see it coming<br />Unless it was already there<br />‘Listen’ she said<br />She said ‘you’re like a child’<br />I’ve got no retort for that<br />Vaguely I will try to stop<br />Except I can’t <br />Where do you live now? (26.2.11)<br />This is the closest I have come to writing about you <br />Since you were gone<br />From me<br />And yet<br />I won’t say more that that<br />You are gone from me <br />And I’m not ready yet<br />To let it out<br />To think about<br />To contemplate<br />To write it all<br />This is addressed to you<br />But that’s all<br />A N E V I L T E N<br />Back in the room<br />Is this my new home?<br />Is there where I dream and where I can hope?<br />And I told you a lie<br />I protected myself<br />I said that I don’t but the truth is I do<br />I’ll get too close and I’ll get too low and I guess the words will get <br />out of control<br />If I was selfless... you know I would<br />If I was smart, of course….<br />All the friends I have ever known<br />Know that I fall in love <br />All my friends know I know<br />I’m scared of being too near to the ground<br />All the while I say to myself<br />It's better than being alone<br />If I was scared... I would, I would<br />If I was aching, of course…<br />And if I was... <br />Back in the room<br />With my thoughts again<br />Are you there? <br />I can’t tell anymore<br />And I told you I don’t<br />But I do I do<br />I feel and I hurt and I breathe and I stare<br />All the loves I have ever loved<br />Know that I dream <br />Too much <br />All my lives I’ve had before<br />Tell me I’m scared of myself<br />If I was broken... I think that I would <br />If I was stolen, of course…<br />CAKE<br />The icing on the cake<br />A weekend break<br />A slap in the face<br />That stings for hours<br />The kind I like <br />To take out at night<br />Backed in the corner<br />I know how to begin<br />A bittersweet cocktail<br />A kind note in the mail<br />Makes me think of you<br />But then I remember<br />Dream the keen dreams<br />Until you wake<br />Sweating<br />Regretting<br />And for a second forgetting<br />Until I see your beam<br />Unmistakable<br />Self assured<br />Like I should fall for that<br />Again<br />You'd bet on it<br />But this time<br />I'm smarter than I look<br />You're clever<br />But not that good<br />I've lost my appetite<br />The precious sweet tooth<br />I don't like icing anymore.<br />(9/1/00)<br />AND SO IT GOES<br />The false Spanish saviour<br />Is everything I make her<br />Can exist only in mind<br />When Northern accents<br />Leave me tongue tied<br />And painful sighs<br />Knock me sideways<br />I learn to laugh<br />At these reoccurring lessons<br />I'll make no mistake<br />And take in the scenery.<br />(23/8/99)<br />BALANCING ACT<br />Your soothing silence melts me<br />Deceiving those with your<br />Happy tones<br />Laughing at love songs<br />Secretly aching<br />Your stubborn refusal chills me<br />I'll keep it all together<br />Just this once<br />I know I've said it before<br />But now I have to again.<br />Live a little won't you<br />Smile for me can't you<br />He's swimming in his<br />Self appointed misery<br />She's dwelling in her<br />Glamorised poverty<br />They're playing with their<br />Forced ambition.<br />I'll keep it all together<br />Just this once<br />I know I've said it before<br />But now I have to again.<br />(27/2/00)<br />MAGAZINES<br />She crossed her legs<br />And I drew a breath<br />I nearly fell apart.<br />I read magazines<br />I watch bad TV<br />I save the letters you wrote<br />I can hear your voice late at night<br />It keeps me from my own<br />I listen to how others speak<br />I keep a diary in the week<br />I know how much is in my pocket<br />I keep a feather in my locket.<br />She tapped me on the shoulder<br />I melted into my chair<br />And I couldn't help but smile.<br />I read magazines<br />I know the real world<br />I know what's out there for me<br />I know boys and girls<br />Some I've met before<br />Some call me a bore<br />Some creep back in my sleep.<br />She laughed out loud<br />At someone else's joke<br />I quietly laughed as well.<br />She crossed her legs<br />And I went red<br />I knew my place that day.<br />(29/2/00)<br />SOBER SARAH<br />Night of the Sober Sarah<br />Sitting in her sober corner<br />Eating treacle biscuits<br />Sipping on a sparkling soda.<br />What will become of Sarah?<br />If she remains so sober?<br />Will she regain her faculties?<br />Or will she just grow older?<br />(29/2/00)<br />SAND DREAMS<br />She always faces the sea<br />Won't turn around<br />To look at me<br />Quietly whispering<br />Her enchanting stories<br />Of other worlds<br />Her secret glory<br />Tiptoes amongst<br />Shells and rocks<br />Doesn't make a sound<br />Never stops<br />In time with the waves<br />Soaking up the spray<br />A wry smile on her face<br />Into the dunes<br />Amongst stray grass, untouched<br />Sits, always out to sea<br />Why won't you look at me?<br />She'll never look at me<br />And where the water<br />Merges with the sky<br />And this land seems too bright<br />Her lashes flicker with delight<br />I'll join her there<br />We'll stare tonight.<br />(30/4/00)<br />NO ONE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LIKE VOLCANOES<br />Couldn't cry at 'It's a Wonderful Life'<br />Or smile and dance at the same time<br />This is nothing<br />Nothing <br />Depends on you<br />Sitting here amongst grass cuttings<br />By the river, drinking<br />Sparkling water<br />I hate grass cuttings<br />I have hayfever but<br />I love the river<br />I love water<br />You know all that<br />Already?<br />You know it all?<br />You know it all!<br />She asked what I could do for her<br />Will I be the one to make her purr?<br />Well I had to shrug<br />Feign bemusement<br />She doesn't know me and I'm not revealing <br />My shining armour<br />Touch, but don't look<br />Speak, but won't hear<br />I have nothing to offer <br />While I am facts<br />While I am fiction<br />While I am fascinating contradictions<br />While I am behind these bars<br />For you to study<br />For you to learn<br />This is all for you<br />This masquerade<br />(9/5/00)<br />PARACETAMOL (no exact date – but probably 1999)<br />I've let myself go<br />This is my sty<br />Where the blood pounds<br />Through my ears<br />Drips through my nose.<br />Never felt so unhealthy<br />Wasting days<br />Nothing being done<br />Just crap TV and hunger<br />My stomach has shrunk.<br />I'm not depressed<br />Only becoming unsound<br />Early hours of the morning<br />Spent cursing the noises<br />And I feel the threat<br />Of the panic<br />Attacks<br />I attempt an old trick<br />Of blocking it out<br />Pushing random thoughts<br />To the side of my brain<br />But again and again<br />My head<br />Caves<br />With the pressure<br />And I reach<br />For the paracetamol.<br />MINOGUE MORNING (1999)<br />Sat in bed<br />Woken by Kylie<br />They make their presence felt<br />And boy, do I feel it<br />Graze on the head<br />The curse of the Hobbit?<br />It's no surprising really<br />Don't worry too much<br />Fucking lazy <br />Fucking lazy<br />So don't worry too much<br />'Cos you're running out of time<br />Sometimes I wish<br />I didn't like you at all<br />The stranger things get<br />The exhaustion increases<br />Wearied bones and blank faces<br />The curse of the house?<br />It's not difficult really<br />I'm not just blaming myself<br />For the sake of it<br />Trying hard to be objective<br />I'm not willing to take it all<br />You're not putting a curse on me.<br />THE DARKER DAY (1999)<br />So that's it<br />So that's what happens when<br />The flood gates open<br />It seems fresh<br />Even when the salt crystalizes<br />And I almost enjoy it<br />Staring at the red, sore and<br />Shimmering<br />And I've no idea why<br />So it should be funny<br />That the more I cut <br />Myself Off<br />The more they can't be bothered<br />So reach<br />Out <br />To Me<br />I've spent all day in isolation<br />I'm aching and shivering<br />And keeping things plain<br />So I know<br />It's Sunday<br />Because it always is<br />Desperately alone<br />Very poor company<br />Watching the sun shine<br />Even at this time<br />It looks beautiful<br />Out there<br />But where would I go?<br />Best stay in<br />Deja-vu<br />Where are you?<br />And where did I go<br />So wrong?<br />As the dark creeps<br />Like a black silk scarf<br />That threatened to strangle<br />And squeeze the life<br />Out Of me<br />Out of the depths<br />Of salty suffering<br />Out of the path<br />Of the oncoming panic<br />And acidic taste<br />Burning me<br />But forcing out<br />A chuckle<br />Rather reluctantly.<br />I've spent all day in isolation<br />I'm aching and shivering<br />You're waiting<br />You're not here and I am<br />Waiting<br />So when relief comes<br />All we can do is stare.<br />VODKA EYES (1998/9)<br />Oh those vodka eyes<br />Those self pitying sighs<br />Go on and close<br />Those vodka eyes<br />Kiss me goodnight<br />With that mouthful of lies<br />I'll dream my vodka dreams<br />I'll scheme my vodka schemes.<br />CLOSE (1998/9)<br />If we're getting too close<br />You only have to get a gun<br />And we'll say no more about it<br />So we'll never say a word<br />Because these four walls<br />Bear a burden<br />Trying to absorb the untruths<br />They'd like it as much as I would<br />To have me put in my place<br />Told what to do<br />Why won't you tell me what to do?<br />To save me from thinking<br />Eating myself up<br />From one day to the next<br />With a rest on a Friday<br />When we raise a glass<br />With hearty cheap laughs<br />Exchange points of view<br />Repetitive, uninventive<br />Maybe we'll change<br />Well maybe we won't<br />But we can't smile any more<br />'cos they know my every move<br />Every gasp I take<br />Every seed that’s sewn<br />Watched over and over<br />Until I begin to get too close.<br />LARGER THAN LIFE (1998)<br />The banister cracked<br />Nothing to break my fall<br />Carpet burned face<br />Dust covered, bruised<br />Head spinning<br />Head spinning<br />I see you grinning<br />At me from above<br />And today you seem<br />Larger than life.<br />I would do anything<br />To have you surrender<br />And feed my power trip<br />As the tension short circuits.<br />You woke me up today<br />A day like any other day<br />Except I couldn't breathe<br />Because you won't stop laughing<br />Laughing at me<br />Laughing at me<br />And what I'll always be<br />Which is useless to you<br />As like everyday, you seem<br />Larger than life.<br />LEAVE ME ALONE (1998)<br />What can I be today?<br />Who can I try and hate?<br />What is there left to say?<br />You don't give a shit, just say you do to feel good.<br />You don't push me to talk<br />Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk<br />You know you'd get bored<br />You don't have a fucking clue<br />As we move further apart<br />I create complications<br />Hating other people’s fun<br />Twisted, bitter and sicker<br />Your presence dehydrates me<br />So I wallow with you in mind<br />That can't be right<br />EXORCISE<br />You from within<br />The sub of the subculture<br />The pathetic<br />The hopeful<br />Un-energetic dreamer<br />Quiet?<br />Boring?<br />Unoriginal and alone.<br />PERSON (1998)<br />Misery doesn't consume me<br />Like perhaps it ought<br />Doesn't she know how to smile?<br />Can't she ever be happy?<br />Frustrated and powerless<br />A million feelings trapped in here for you<br />There's no possible reason<br />Why you should appear<br />When I close my eyes<br />And wish you through that door<br />In cloud cuckoo land<br />The beer is pretty cheap<br />But I'm scared of heights<br />So I won't be coming down<br />Reality and I are not the best of friends<br />I prefer a decent riddle<br />Simple avoidance of the truth<br />Withdrawing to the shell<br />I appreciate everything<br />But am not at all grateful<br />For the fact that<br />People know my name at least<br />There she goes<br />And there she goes again<br />It's her remember?<br />Nah!<br />Well, she's the one that-<br />Oh I dunno<br />But it's her anyway<br />Oh yeah<br />There she goes<br />And I do<br />Eyes firmly shut.<br />MOVE (1998/9)<br />Manipulation<br />Penetration<br />Make myself unpopularYou've scared me half to death<br />Dirty days spent<br />In dusty rooms<br />Mites in the carpetOut of my tree<br />Raining and raining<br />Need to go out<br />No visitors for meIn this smoky cave<br />Can't motivate myself<br />To move from this<br />Foetal positionPuts a chink in my spine<br />Wait for the phone<br />With its silent ring<br />Don't ever wake meDon't come here again.<br />EMPTY HEAD (1999)<br />A small person stands alone<br />In blue fields<br />Which way to go?<br />Waiting, waiting, endless waiting<br />Where will you take me to next?<br />The world is a very big place<br />Someone once told me-<br />It's a mess, that's all there is to it<br />I've nothing to say, nowhere to go<br />When the words run out<br />In the empty space.<br />I'll follow you up the stairs<br />And back down.<br />Luscious green, it's dew glistened sheen<br />Throw me away into the useless air<br />Floating away on a paper plane<br />Make me happy again with your poisonous pen.<br />I saw a speck of dust<br />Magnified a thousand times<br />This is you<br />A piece of that blue<br />In the maze of crap and words.<br />Crush me, so<br />I can't breathe<br />Can't sleep<br />Broken, I want to hear your voice<br />To remind myself<br />That I'm alive.<br />Recycle the paper<br />We can live again<br />When the ink runs dry, refill the pen<br />When the words stop flowing<br />I'm the empty head.<br />AVERAGE (1998)<br />Hands are shaking now<br />Dry martini got me weird<br />What are you doing on your own?<br />Falling asleep sipping water.<br />Need to see myself in the mirror<br />Remind myself why I'm here<br />Scared of recognition<br />How did I get to be so average?<br />My blood is running clear<br />Like I'm crying from head to toe<br />Shall we call up a stranger?<br />Can I make you miss me?<br />My friend was on the telephone<br />And I wanted to speak<br />My voice ran out on me today<br />Left me for another mouth.<br />One lump or two?<br />Another day will go pretty soon<br />I'm not clever or stupid<br />But I can walk to the shops and back.<br />I think you could break my heart<br />If you put your mind to it<br />Mid winter, mid summer, happy glimmer<br />At the bus stop in my room.<br />PET (1998)<br />Screaming inside<br />Bleeding inside<br />Blood curdling yells<br />From the bowels of hell.<br />Throw me some rope<br />Cut me some slack<br />Pull me out<br />Or put a lid on it.<br />Waiting for the snap<br />Of my spine<br />When you say my name.<br />Haunted by the figure<br />Of an ex-lover.<br />Lock the door<br />Keep the noise down<br />Keep my ear to the ground.<br />What are you doing now?<br />I have three guesses<br />But I know, I know<br />Feel sick deep down<br />In the pit of my stomach<br />Nausea<br />At the thought of you<br />And him.<br />Pull me out<br />Or put a lid on it.<br />Knock me out<br />With your beaming smile<br />Kick me harder<br />With your poisonous tongue<br />Burn me<br />Burn me<br />Fucking get out the matches<br />Strike<br />One by one<br />We'll all fall down<br />Drag me around<br />I'm on the lead<br />You tie me up<br />When you go to the shops<br />Leave me in the car<br />When you go to fuck him<br />Take me for a walk<br />When you’re bored with everything else.<br />NIGHTMARES (probably 1997)<br />In the dark<br />When the shadows flicker and fade<br />A cold shiver<br />A bead of perspiration<br />Eyes closed<br />Fists clenched.<br />A glimmer<br />A sudden flash of light<br />That grows<br />As pupils shrink.<br />There it is now<br />An open door<br />A ball of white<br />But movement never comes<br />The mind no longer permits it<br />Paralysis<br />Heat<br />And icy cold fears<br />Close the door.<br />INEVITABLE (probably 1997)<br />Easy to hide behind a smile<br />The sky bends my back<br />A crooked shape remains.<br />Just to have you whisper in my ear<br />Would it make it all complete?<br />I don't think you appreciate<br />The lengths I would go to<br />But I know it's hard to get along<br />When we've nothing left to say.<br />I know I can't make up my mind<br />Conversations brewed from frustration<br />Situations born from a vacuum<br />We're all ready to explode,<br />Let me know when you want to go.<br />LONELY GARDEN DOES ALL THE TALKING (summer holidays 1998 I think)<br />Uneven grass<br />Little black oval eyes<br />Sun in and out<br />Never quite bright<br />I shiver with fear<br />Not daylight or dark<br />Not delight at the blue sky<br />I'm waiting for nothing<br />Because I have too much to do.<br />I want to be<br />Gloriously in love<br />But however hard I try<br />I find no such feeling<br />Not an inch or a glimpse<br />About anyone.<br />A feeling<br />A hunch<br />That a spider was on my neck<br />The pill box<br />Chuckles, rattles<br />On my left<br />Never the right<br />In the distance<br />A pelican<br />Crossing<br />Another person<br />Must be living.<br />DOWNFALL (probably 1997/8)<br />Correct me<br />Project me<br />Scratch my eyes out<br />Sink your teeth in<br />I want to suffer <br />In your arms<br />I want to feel<br />That scream.<br />Push me<br />Catch me<br />Pull me to the floor<br />Telepathic, make believe<br />I want you to<br />Pull the plug.<br />I'll do nothing for you<br />You won't smile at me again<br />I'll bleed behind these eyes<br />I'll give to the count of ten.<br />Turn me<br />Spin me<br />Hang me out to dry<br />I'll fit into your tin box<br />You pass me liquids <br />Through the lock.<br />Please don't hurt me<br />Any more<br />Should I have to ask<br />For it to stop?<br />I'm still hurting<br />In agony<br />You can pass the plaster<br />You can wind the bandage<br />Tighter.<br />LULLABY (1998)<br />Frank sings<br />Easing the pain<br />Momentarily<br />We feel<br />That nothing will get in our way.<br />Now I see<br />All the signs point to me<br />With the rising of the sun<br />It dawns<br />That with every hour<br />Wasted thinking<br />Twists the knife in deeper.<br />With the setting of the sun<br />I picture you in perfect slumber<br />Not a care in the world<br />Not a care for me<br />No knowledge of anguish<br />As your breathing deepens<br />In perfect harmony<br />You drift to the sound of Frank.<br />WITH SOME REGARD<br />A notion of continued existence<br />Operating to some extent<br />In their true colours<br />Impressions or perceptions<br />Present to the senses<br />We suppose too much<br />Distinct from the mind<br />Does not consist in any matter of fact<br />Vice and virtue<br />Compared<br />Sound, colours<br />Running hot and cold<br />Truth and falsehood<br />As I reason with you<br />But you're not capable<br />Of such abstract morality<br />Influences<br />Considerations<br />Actions and affections<br />Carved into this identity<br />Which remains<br />As alien as ever<br />And memory serves me<br />When I reward it<br />With experience<br />Indulging in pain<br />Guilt<br />Negatives<br />Seeping from every pore<br />As words form a useful ally<br />I turn my back<br />On what you claim to be real <br />But I feel no foundation<br />I taste no direction<br />Too dangerously<br />Self aware<br />I fear I'll catch myself<br />When I turn too quickly<br />The necessary connection<br />Is made<br />Signed and sealed<br />By these simple ideas<br />Of walking and talking<br />And taking in air<br />Dragging my feet<br />As us cynics do<br />Apparently<br />I seek to reverse<br />But there's no going back<br />The scepticism <br />Becoming<br />Total<br />(27/7/99)<br />FUCHSIAS<br />I killed the fuchsias<br />Because my memory fails<br />A simple request denied<br />By my lust for retreat<br />Into my smoke filled mind<br />And now I can't find<br />The watering can.<br />(26/8/99)<br />OWEN<br />Today we learnt your name<br />When you granted permission<br />To let us reach out<br />Charcoal against pinkish skin<br />A furry delight far from home<br />That brought a momentary<br />Release from monotony.<br />Wary of playful hands<br />A warning stretch<br />And careful movements<br />Until time and boredom<br />Took its toll and you<br />Continued in your adventure.<br />(26/8/99)<br />FLOODS<br />Don't have a hope<br />But you learn to cope<br />Can't remember how to<br />Stop playing the game<br />Can't find pause<br />Can't stand all the noise<br />Keeps me awake<br />When I'm being ignored.<br />Remind me<br />Remind me how I fell in the ditch<br />Remind me<br />Was it me or her, the bitch<br />Come find me<br />Try and guess how many days left<br />Red in the face<br />Bubble will burst<br />As it all floods back to you.<br />Don't have a smile<br />Can't see the signs<br />Can only concentrate on one thing at a time.<br />Stop trying to choke me<br />With your advice and ideas<br />Directions and careers<br />When I can't even stay awake<br />Remind me<br />Remind me how I fit in this again<br />Remind me<br />Was it I who failed a friend<br />Come find me<br />Try to guess my way out of this mess<br />Red in the face<br />Bubble will burst<br />As it all floods back to you.<br />(27/9/99)<br />TOO FAR<br />When you bring me home <br />All I can do is lie<br />And I wonder why<br />I let it get that far.<br />The angel left<br />Me today<br />She packed her things<br />Flew away<br />She was camouflaged<br />Luminous blue on blue<br />And I wonder why<br />I took the time<br />I let it go too far.<br />When you bring me home<br />All I can do is lie<br />The blue angel<br />Begged me to let her fly<br />So I turned my back<br />As she began to pack<br />And I knew<br />It'd gone too far.<br />When you bring me home<br />All I can do is lie<br />Is that what you expect these days?<br />I can see through sympathy<br />I can feel those eyes on me<br />All I can do is lie<br />And you never even ask me why<br />'Cos you know it's gone too far.<br />The angel left<br />Me today<br />Upped and flew right away<br />Without a word<br />Into the blue<br />Even she knew<br />We all do<br />That this has gone too far.<br />(14/1/00)<br />RUNNER UP<br />Running away<br />Carried away<br />Trippin' over my own feet<br />Carried away<br />Thoughts of you<br />Imaginary future<br />What will become<br />Of this<br />And my false starts?<br />Disqualified<br />Well <br />Who could love you<br />Anyway?<br />Optimism is deadly<br />Destructive<br />Unhealthy<br />Squint at blatant<br />Mistakes<br />Did I plunge head first?<br />Did you push?<br />Can't pin the blame yet<br />But the day will come<br />I can see into the future<br />See<br />And follow <br />I do<br />I keep on<br />With what I know<br />And what I hope<br />A turn of events<br />Or a nail in the coffin<br />The final straw<br />Wiping the slate clean<br />'Til good faith<br />Seeps away<br />And all that remains<br />Is the shell of weeks ago<br />Before I tried to let you in<br />Before I realised<br />You weren't in<br />But too late now<br />quot;
You got mequot;
<br />The baton<br />Hand over time<br />You're in the clear<br />I lag<br />Breathless.<br />(15/12/99)<br />THE MOMENT<br />Intensity measured<br />By the longing<br />Fractured recollections<br />Of one night<br />Which clarified<br />My perception <br />As I fought off doubts<br />Concentrating <br />As it dawns<br />A role reversal<br />Maturity in another<br />Mismatch<br />Same situation<br />Different sense of self<br />And I'm the one more eager<br />I'm the one <br />Under the thumb<br />Desperate for <br />The moment<br />To be squeezed and stretched<br />Beyond recognition<br />Take away<br />The moment<br />And reproduce it<br />A thousand times<br />Not fractions and fragments<br />But epic journeys<br />With hands in pockets<br />Stomachs<br />Dry kisses<br />And eye contact<br />Which is as<br />Fresh as ever<br />And mystifying<br />This alien predicament<br />Uncompromising<br />Dissatisfying still revitalising<br />And false<br />As we both know<br />That you need this<br />More than me<br />But<br />I want this<br />More than you<br />And fucking on a <br />Cold Saturday morning<br />Quick and desperate<br />Is not enough<br />And not as it used to be.<br />(20/12/99)<br />MAKE MY DAY<br />For the moment<br />I'm not afraid<br />But you can't say<br />Anything<br />That'll make my day<br />Say anything<br />To me though<br />Anyway<br />Let my mind wander.<br />Here and now<br />I'm no one new<br />But I could be<br />Any one<br />To you, <br />To you<br />I'm just another<br />In an endless line.<br />So, let me<br />Wander<br />By myself<br />Let me roam<br />Without you in toe<br />Without your voice<br />Its restless echo<br />Keeping track of me.<br />So let me<br />Wander<br />Further than I can see<br />A speck in the distance<br />No other<br />No company<br />If you expect<br />Me to find<br />A way.<br />(3/8/99)<br />Into the…<br />He haunted me <br />With his melody<br />A sad tune<br />Only for the dark.<br />He told me<br />This one is for you<br />And this is for the <br />Dark.<br />Under the stars<br />He wept so long<br />He cried too hard<br />He sang his song into the dark.<br />The lonely night sky<br />Gave a chilling sigh<br />The moon crept behind <br />A cloud.<br />The last I heard from him<br />The last I saw his face<br />Smiling back<br />Into the dark<br />(29.12.00)<br />Christmas Tune<br />A cracked bauble under her feet<br />Bled to death beneath the tree<br />You told me to cease with my dreams<br />Only because I eat too much cheese<br />A broken arm on the roof<br />Pretending to be Santa wasn’t fool proof<br />And I didn’t laugh, I tell the truth<br />But I only did because of you<br />Who stole Christmas? Who took it away?<br />I used to enjoy this one day<br />Now I’m gloomy all the way<br />So much so, I have nothing to say<br />I bury my head in a mince pie<br />I drink so much I could die<br />I close my eyes and pretend I can fly<br />I laugh so much, I can’t help but cry.<br />(Dec 2000)<br />Regression<br />There’s a man in the road <br />At four fifteen<br />Just because I laid eyes on him<br />Doesn’t mean he was there.<br />There are two theatres in my head<br />But I haven’t seen too much<br />I haven’t seen enough<br />Of the second act.<br />You haven’t seen it<br />So you say<br />And I will laugh until my wings<br />Fall off.<br />So now you stay<br />There is nothing to fear<br />And nothing to doubt and nothing at all<br />To shout about.<br />So why all this then?<br />Why are my thoughts<br />Mis-timed? Ill-advised? <br />So very naive?<br />I can’t be alone<br />But I can’t be with you<br />And how come each time<br />I’m always in the wrong?<br />I’m not a child<br />I’m not a child<br />You are the thief<br />I’ll credit you with that.<br />Give me back my <br />Stage and lights<br />The sex you stole from me<br />Is mine.<br />The image in my head becomes<br />Brief reality<br />Even now I know it’s a mistake<br />So why all this then?<br />The scratching in my head, I do it to forget<br />But the drama in my lungs and the coldness in my speech<br />Is a fault all of my own<br />And I’ll cry until my eyes fall out.<br />But there’s a man on the roof<br />And I saw him jump off<br />He gave me warning<br />As he vanished into the dark.<br />I didn’t hear it all<br />I know what he means<br />Have I seen too much?<br />I haven’t looked enough.<br />So now you say<br />There is no reason to smile<br />And no reason to hate<br />Nothing to enjoy and nothing to find.<br />Yes I know it’s all wrong<br />My thoughts are wrong<br />The shaking of my head<br />Tells me I am wrong.<br />(26.12.10)<br />The lesson<br />My head in my hands<br />You know what this means<br />It’s not what it seems<br />You idiot<br />You idiot<br />You’ve done it again<br />When you repeat it<br />To yourself<br />And you say<br />I’ll not make a<br />Mistake<br />No, not again<br />But you<br />Do it<br />Anyway<br />And I think I knew I would<br />And I think I thought I should<br />Just to confirm<br />That I have no control<br />And just to confirm <br />That<br />I never grow up<br />You’re just the same<br />But you expect<br />It all on a plate<br />But as times change<br />I know<br />I do not<br />And it’s comfortable<br />Embarrassing<br />That my limits are<br />Clear<br />You idiot<br />Don’t you ever<br />Learn <br />You idiot<br />Look at their <br />Lives<br />They have a real life<br />And<br />You’ve done it again<br />(26.12.10)<br />