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Gannawarra Shire 24/03/2014
Violence eroded confidenceCampaspe News is highlighting the
issue of domestic violence.
Following a story about a Rochester
woman who suffered emotional and
physical abuse, another woman from
the community came forward to
share her harrowing story.
When Liz *
dated Bob *
for two
years before their marriage there
were no signs of the jealous,
possessive and violent man he
would eventually become.
She recalled their first encounter
at a district dance where he swept
her off her feet.
Now she cannot even say his
name without shuddering.
It was not until their first child
arrived that cracks began showing in
the relationship.
‘‘It was all calm and happy until
our first child arrived and he was
terribly jealous. . . I didn’t know if I
should be breastfeeding the baby or
giving my attention to him,’’ she
said.
‘‘The jealousy got worse and
worse.’’
She said he paid no attention to
her children and no photos of them
were allowed around the house.
Liz knew she was in trouble when
he stopped her from going outside.
She was gardening one day and he
insisted she went inside to complete
her household chores.
‘‘He copied his father. He be-
lieved the wife’s place was inside,’’
she said.
If she went to see her friends or
family, Bob would ring to check up
on her.
She felt every move was being
monitored.
Sometimes Bob worked away
from home and would check in on
her constantly.
Liz got a weekly allowance that
remained the same from the 1970s to
the 2000s.
‘‘I didn’t have a great lot to spend
on myself,’’ she said.
‘‘If I went grocery shopping he
would check the change and he
would know how much I had left
over.’’
If she asked him for money during
the week he would rattle off exactly
how much she should have left due
to the change he calculated in his
head.
‘‘There was no happiness or no
excitement,’’ she said.
‘‘When we’d go on holiday I was
so excited and he’d say: ‘You’re
acting like a child’,’’ she said.
She was expected to cook his
meal, consisting of meat and veget-
ables, every night.
If she didn’t, the atmosphere in
the house would be uncomfortable.
Liz confided in a close friend
about her situation.
She learned the friend was suffer-
ing with the same problems.
Verbal abuse and jealous rages
increased which eventually lead to
physical violence.
The physical violence grew so
extreme that Bob became afraid of
what he may do to Liz.
‘‘He said: ‘I’ll do something I’ll
regret for the rest of my life’,’’ she
said.
They sought marriage counselling
but Liz discontinued it because she
had lost her love for Bob.
Building strength
and confidence
Liz said she was never an overly
confident person but she lost it
completely throughout her abusive
marriage.
She believed she was not finan-
cially able to live alone but pursued
other options to give her confidence
a boost.
Liz stopped making Bob’s meals
and began wearing make-up and
taking care of her appearance.
She insisted on wearing make-up
daily despite Bob’s disapproval.
The breaking point
Liz said she ‘‘felt the warmth of
his hands around her neck’’ on
several occasions but one night Bob
went too far.
She ran outside and wanted to run
away because of his aggression.
Bob ran after her and knocked her
to the ground and got on top of her.
She released herself and he at-
tacked her.
A family member came to the
rescue.
Liz finally left Bob a year later.
Liz said the emotional scarring
and nervous feelings causes by the
abuse were worse than the physical
pain she endured.
*
Not their real names.
Important contacts
Emergencies: 000
Lifeline: 131 114
Centre for Non-Violence (Loddon
Campaspe) Women and Children’s
Services: 5430 3000 or
1800 884 038.
After hours support: Women’s
Domestic Violence Crisis Service
1800 015 188.
■ If you would like to share your
story of domestic violence, con-
tact Elaine Cooney directly (and
confidentially) on 5484 2000.
My say ~ Elaine Cooney
S
ince publishing a feature on
domestic violence two weeks
ago I received a lot of positive
feedback about the importance of
highlighting the issue and com-
passion for the woman who
suffered the abuse.
One person pointed out that
women could also use domestic
violence against men and I should
hear their stories.
For the past two years, I have
been on the lookout for men who
have been victims of domestic
violence to highlight this issue.
I’ve spoken to sporting clubs and
volunteer organisations asking
members if they knew of any men
who would like to share their story
anonymously but no one has come
forward.
A Rochester policeman told me
one man reported an incident of
abuse in the home many years
ago. . . but none since.
I don’t think domestic violence
is purely a male against female act
but statistics show that men are the
highest perpetrators.
VicHealth’s research into dom-
estic violence showed male
intimate partner violence was the
leading contributor to death, dis-
ability and illness for women aged
15 to 44 years old in Victoria.
The Australian Bureau of Statist-
ics showed a male current or ex-
partner accounted for 38 per cent of
physical assaults on women.
The White Ribbon Campaign
stated four per cent of assaults on
men were carried out by a female
current or former partner and the
One in Three Campaign said one in
three victims of domestic violence
were male.
While those percentages are
lower than the male against female
violence, the issue should not be
ignored.
Perpetrators of domestic viol-
ence — regardless of gender —
need to stop and victims should
know there is a lot of help out there
to break away from the situation.
Support services
for men
MensLine Australia: A generic
24-hour helpline for all men and all
relationship issues, not specifically
family violence. Call 1300 789 978
for the cost of a local call.
Mensline’s call-back counsellors
can work with you on bigger issues
than their crisis line or until you
access another useful service
Dads in Distress: A dedicated
support group of men whose im-
mediate concern is to stem male
suicide due to the trauma of divorce
or separation. This is not a family
violence service but might be
helpful to male victims where
domestic violence and children are
involved. Call 1300 853 437 Mon-
day to Friday 9am to 5pm or visit
www.dadsindistress.asn.au