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relational maintenance
The document discusses relational maintenance, including what it is, when it should be done, and different types. It describes turning points like holidays and major events versus everyday talk. Relational satisfaction can come from factors like time spent together, positivity, and comfort. There are four definitions of relational maintenance: keeping relationships existing, maintaining their state, keeping them satisfactory, and keeping them in repair. The document discusses pro-social versus anti-social maintenance behaviors and gives examples. It also discusses strategic versus routine maintenance and using different mediums like face-to-face, phone, text, email, and social media to maintain relationships.
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relational maintenance
- 1. Relational Maintenance What is it, how should we do it, & when do we do it?
- 2. What is moreimportant? Turning Points Everyday Talk • Major events • Day-to-day greetings • Holidays • Task Sharing • Proposals • Relational speak • Major Conflicts
- 3. John Gottman The Love Lab
- 4. Relational Satisfaction • Whatfactors do you think lead to relational satisfaction? – Time? • Problem – do we love each other over time or do we love each other so we stay together longer… – Positivity? – Comfort?
- 5. Relational Maintenance • 4Definitions – Keeping relationships in existence (save it) – Keeping relationships in a specific state (status quo) – Keep relationship satisfactory (always improve) – Keep relationship in repair (scheduled maintenance)
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- 8. Activity • In groups,come up with two examples for each maintenance behavior. • Discuss both the benefits and the problems with these specific behaviors.
- 9. Strategic vs. RoutineMaintenance
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- 11. Take out asheet of paper…. • Write down the following: – Face-to-face – Phone – Text – Email – Facebook
- 12. Question 1 • Foreach medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario. • Announcing to your closest friends that you have just got engaged.
- 13. Question 2 • Foreach medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario. • You want to tell your significant other that you have just been offered a lucrative job in Germany.
- 14. Question 3 • Foreach medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario. • You want to let your co-workers know about a baby shower for another co-worker.
- 15. Question 4 • Foreach medium, rank each on a scale of 1-10 (1=inappropriate, 10=appropriate) according to the following scenario. • You want to wish an old high school acquaintance a happy birthday.
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- 17. Relational Maintenance Day 2
- 19. Four types ofRelationships • Virtual online only • Pinocchio meet online 1st, but meet f2f later • Cyber-immigrant meet f2f 1st, but meet online later • Real world only f2f
- 20. The Honeymoon Stage AKA – The Vomit Stage
- 21. The Honeymoon Stage •When does this happen? – Initial stages of a relationship. – After major turning points. • Weddings, first move in, first holiday – After long periods of absence. • Military deployments • When does it end? – First conflict. – Typically no more than 2 weeks.
- 23. What causes decreasesto relational satisfaction?
- 24. What causes decreasesto relational satisfaction? 1. Inefficient Communication 2. Unbalanced decision making 3. Sexual compatibility 4. Uneven division of labor 5. Time spent with spouse 6. Time spent with friends
- 25. Same-Sex Relationships What maintenancebehaviors are important for maintaining same- sex friendships?
- 26. Just Friends… What doesit mean to be “just friends?”
- 27. What challenges dowe experience when we are “just friends? • Emotional Challenge – We struggle with the notion that these feelings of love are not “romantic” love. • Sexual Challenge – Studies show that up to 50% of cross-sex friends reported some sort of sexual attraction. • Public Presentation – People always assume that the two of you are romantically involved.
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- 29. Three Major Typesof Tensions Integration Certainty Expression Internal Connection Predictability Openness Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Autonomy Novelty Closedness within the relationships) External Inclusion Conventionality Revelation Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Seclusion Uniqueness Concealment about external relationships)
- 30. Three Major Typesof Tensions Integration Certainty Expression Internal Connection Predictability Openness Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Autonomy Novelty Closedness within the relationships) External Inclusion Conventionality Revelation Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Seclusion Uniqueness Concealment about external relationships)
- 31. Three Major Typesof Tensions Integration Certainty Expression Internal Connection Predictability Openness Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Autonomy Novelty Closedness within the relationships) External Inclusion Conventionality Revelation Manifestations vs. vs. vs. (Tensions expressed Seclusion Uniqueness Concealment about external relationships)
- 32. Managing the Tensions •Selection – We simply choose one side of the tension • Separation – Favor each side depending on the situation • Neutralization – Never fully favor either side • Reframing – Discuss how the tensions compliment each other
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Editor's Notes
- #3 Both have a major impact, yet research tends to look more at turning points because: a. They are easier to remember b. everyday talk is hard to get a hold of c. people do not realize how they use everyday talk (positivity bias)
- #4 Notice that they have them discuss both major events (how they met) and everyday conflict (finance problems).
- #7 Positive behaviors that lead to liking, relational closeness, and trust.
- #8 Negative behaviors used to maintain relationships, but does not improve relational satisfaction and in fact may damage it.
- #9 See LP 14 – Maintenance, Appendix A
- #10 Routine Maintenance – everyday behaviorsStrategic – purposeful attempt to repairWhich do you think is most effective?Problem – the line between the two is thin. If the other views the behavior as strategic, he or she may become defensive. (e.g. If I do the laundry, my wife might say, “OK, what did you do.” Then she checks the credit card statements to see if I bought something.
- #13 Most of you probably put low scores for all but F2F. Such big news is something we tend to want to do face-to-face. Maybe over the phone, but certainly nothing like texting.Why do we think this is?
- #14 This is big news that will probably affect the both of you in major ways. Again, the mediated forms of communication probably seem to impersonal.
- #15 For events like this, mediated is almost preferred, since we can go back and check for dates and times. Going to everyone and speaking f2f could be taxing and they may not have their calendar with them.
- #16 This is what is great about Facebook, right?
- #17 An older theory suggested that the richer the medium, the more appropriate it is for people to discuss important ideas.Face-to-face the richest, we have all sorts of verbal cuesTexting the least rich, we only have verbal cuesProblems – Skype? Also, the development of online relationships brings up questions. People feel as though they like each other more.
- #20 Which of these do you think engaged in the least amount of maintenance behaviors?VirtualHowever, when controlling for level of commitment, there was no difference. This means, modality really does not matter as much as how committed they are to the relationship.
- #21 Characterized by more affirming behaviors and higher levels of positivity.During this time we “put on a happy face” while ignoring anything negative.
- #23 My research. Usually the first two weeks after a homecoming is characterized by a euphoria. Re-entering the honeymoon stage. After this, the relationships need work.Pro-social Maintenance Behaviors: Datenights, task sharing, routinesAnti-social Maintenance Behaviors: Avoidance, Seek outside help, attributions from spouses
- #26 The three behaviors closely related to maintenance in same-sex friendships are:OpennessSupportivenessPositivityHow are male/male friendships different from female/female relationships?Guys are often associated with doing, women with talking, though again the differences are only slight and men and women need both of those things.Women engage in more non-verbal affection toward each other. Touching is typically not acceptable for men.
- #27 Here, is it simply a lack of sex? In other words, can there be “friends with benefits?”Is it lack of passion? Commitment?
- #28 Other issues to consider:How do heterosexual and homosexual friends maintain their relationships? Do they have similar challenges?
- #29 Again, the relational maintenance research is built on the assumption that our relationships have relatively stable projections. The dialectic perspective suggests that we experience at once discursive tensions and contradicting feelings.
- #30 Integration deal with managing our identity as either a couple or an individual, or the relationship identity as part of a larger group or apart from it.In this sense, at the same time we want to be our own person but we also want a close relationship with the other.Internal Example – You may want to spend all your time with her, but you also want to have your own life.External Example – Do we do our own thing or do we hang out with friends.
- #31 Certainty deal with expectations. At the same time we feel the need to be able to predict the other (which gives us a sense of security) yet we want excitement.On the external manifestation, we want to be like other couples, but we also want to be different from other couples.Internal Example – What type of dates we go on, we like to go to the movies every weekend, but we also wouldn’t mind a change.External Example – Weddings, we want to have a memorable wedding, but it has to follow some conventions for people to consider it a wedding.
- #32 Expression – refers to the disclose we engage in. At the same time we want to open up, but we also want our privacy.Internal example – talking about past relationshipsExternal Example – who to tell when someone is diagnosed with a disease.
- #33 According the this theory, we always have tensions. Some research seeks to identify these tensions. The latest research is exploring how we manage these tensions.Research has yet to find decent evidence to support which is healthier, which do you think is best for the relationship?