Slide deck for Telehealth.org's LIVE Event: When Sex Gets Complicated: Porn, Affairs, & Cybersex

1. When Sex Gets Complicated:
Porn, Affairs, & Cybersex
Marty Klein, Ph.D
December 2023
Telehealth.org

2. For a copy of these slides, see
www.MartyKlein.com/telehealth

3. Recent technologies that affected
sexual expression
• Artificial rubber
• Artificial nylon
• The car
• The bicycle
• The internet
• VCR & videotape
• Religion
• Psychotherapy
• The telephone
• Photography
• Penicillin
• Sterilization
• DNA testing
• Factory work
• Oral contraceptives
• Electrification of downtowns

4. Sex & technology today
• Broadband and digitalization blur the boundary between
imagination and behavior.
• Historically, infidelity was fairly easy to measure. Now that
imagination is fluid, infidelity is harder to assess.
• Digital sexual devices can collect information about us.
• Sexually, robots will learn more about us than our mates know.
• Technology makes more people available to us for infidelity.
• People can now program and create their own pornography.
• Digital natives find these things “normal.”

5. INFIDELITY

6. What does infidelity feel like? —the Betrayed
• Reality is destabilized—“an emotional roller coaster”
• Don’t know what (if anything) to trust
• Hungry for information
• Question value of self
• Desire to protect self ASAP
• Need support
• Desire to punish
• Grief about the losses (trust, existential, partnership, confidence)
• Question: what does this mean?
• Shame
• Reinforce negative narratives about men/women, intimacy, sex?

7. What does infidelity feel like? —the Betrayer
• Guilt, shame
• Relief
• Fun is over
• Fear
• Defensiveness
• Anger
• Attempt to minimize
• Emotional roller coaster

8. Post-infidelity, each person needs to
1) articulate their feelings
2) understand the other’s feelings
All while neither is in a mood
to experience this painful stuff.
We’re asking them to trust our judgement that this
will be a good thing—contrary to their instincts.

9. Betrayed & Betrayer may resort to
various strategies to deal with these feelings
• Trying to be right
• Super analytical or rational
• Develop explanatory narrative
• “I can’t help how I feel”
• “I simply won’t believe or listen to anything you say”
• “I’m a sex addict”
• “You’re a sex addict”
• Collapse emotionally

10. We can acknowledge that
there’s pain on each side,
without trivializing either one’s pain.
One or both partners may resent this.

11. POWER DYNAMICS

12. Infidelity:
After the affair,
who owns the relationship?

13. Power-oriented behaviors
• Throwing spouse out of house
• Telling Betrayer’s family, friends, employer
• Telling couple’s children
• Spending couples’ money
• Limiting Betrayer’s access to children
• Revenge affair
• Collapsing emotionally
• Pathologizing partner
What is our clinical position
about this dynamic?

14. “You betrayed me,
now I’m in charge.”
As satisfying as this may be
to the person in pain
(and perhaps to the therapist),
it prevents a collaborative approach
to resolving the affair.

15. Whose pain is more important?
Should people be expected to think clearly about this
if they’re in pain?
Does the Betrayer OWE the Betrayed
a few bonus rights?
If the Betrayed now hurts the family or Betrayer’s job,
is there any recourse?

16. After betrayal, either partner
may resort to unhealthy power dynamics
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Withholding sex
• Withholding other engagement
• Sarcasm and “teasing”
• Narratives of blame
• “I don’t care anymore;” withdrawal
• “You owe me”
• “I apologized, what else do you want?”

17. SELF-DISCIPLINE IN THE FACE OF PAIN

18. People are responsible for the extent to
which they feel hurt or angry,
AND especially
for how they deal with it.
Having been betrayed
does NOT remove this responsibility.

19. The Betrayer can damage
the relationship
• Lack of empathy; avoiding partner’s emotions
• Rolling out information gradually
• Trying to get back to normal too quickly
• Demanding too much change, or too quickly
• Expecting sex too soon
• Comparing partner to lover
• Resisting creating a reconciliation plan
• Resisting self-awareness

20. The Betrayed can damage
the relationship, themselves, & others
• Telling people: family, kids, friends, community
• Damaging property
• “Revenge” affair
• Public shaming
• Harming partner’s job/career
• Harming oneself
• Violating partner’s privacy
• Becoming bitter
• Refusing to participate in joint events
• Feeling entitled to revenge or punishment

21. Contrasting agendas for the Betrayed:
(1) I want to express my feelings
(2) Maybe I want to reconcile
If you damage the relationship enough
when expressing your upset,
you won’t have much left
to reconstruct.

22. EXISTENTIAL ISSUES

23. Existential issues are
internal conflicts arising from the
ongoing, inescapable
confrontation
with the givens
of human existence.

24. the desire for intimacy
vs.
the desire for autonomy

25. the desire to be known
vs.
the fear of being known

26. the desire for sexual novelty
vs.
the desire for sexual predictability

27. the desire to be attractive to others
vs.
the knowledge of
one’s declining attractiveness

28. One way people deal with
these conflicts is by
sexual betrayal.

29. Both the Betrayed and the therapist
may prefer to overlook this;
The simplistic model of
“bad Betrayer” &
“good/victimized Betrayed”
is easier to deal with.

30. TRUST &
“FULL DISCLOSURE”

31. No one can prove
they’re being faithful.
That’s why “trust” is so important—
belief in the absence of data.

32. “I demand to know every single detail.”
“I have a right to know.”
Do they?

33. The potential mischief of “full disclosure”
• Betrayed can use the information to obsess
• Betrayed can use the information to self-criticize
• When is it enough?
• Why should Betrayed trust that it’s complete?
• Betrayed can challenge the content (“you think red hat is sexy?”)
• Betrayed can use the information to excise things from their
future life
• Betrayed can focus on the content, not the big picture
• It puts Betrayed in charge, with Betrayer under a microscope

34. Monitoring one’s betrayer may give
the illusion of security,
and be a form of punishment…
But it doesn’t add to trust.
It prevents the development of trust.
Passwords? Phone tracking?
Required check-ins?

35. Different approach:
trust comes from
getting to the know the other person better.
“Oh, that’s why
you won’t do it again.”

36. RECOVERING FROM BETRAYAL

37. How do we hold a couple or individual
after betrayal?
We need to guide patients through
a painful journey
for which they may lack the skills they need.
Maybe we can help them develop these skills,
although that’s usually not
what they came for.

38. Recovery from infidelity requires
adult skills
• How to compromise without feeling like a fool
• How to tolerate another‘s feelings
• How to self-soothe
• How to communicate when embarrassed, ashamed, angry, lonely, or
anxious
• How to accept the consequences of one's decisions
• Accepting that no one gets everything they want
• Accepting that life is complex, rarely black-&-white

39. Common assumptions around betrayal
• You don’t care about me at all.
• Everything has changed.
• Nothing was as it seemed.
• You lose all your marital rights.
• I get to handle this any way I like.
• You owe me whatever I say you do.
• I define all aspects of this, unilaterally.
• I can tell anyone, and say anything, I want.
• For us to progress, I don’t have to do anything.

40. No one can prevent anyone
from being unfaithful.
What will the Betrayed do about that painful
(and ultimately freeing)
fact?

41. If Betrayed is certain they’ll never get over this,
or can never hear that song again,
they’ll be right.
That’s generally a bad decision.

42. Key questions
• Why did I (or you) do it?
• What does this mean?
• What do each of us want now? Want eventually?
• What is each of us willing to feel?
• What is each of us willing to learn?

43. “Why I did it…”
(i.e., existentialism on the ground)
• It was an easy way to feel sexy/womanly/young
• I loved the attention
• We hadn’t had exciting sex in years
• I wasn’t sure you cared what I did anymore
• It was the only place I felt I could be me
• You seemed bored or I felt selfish when I brought you my problems
• You’re always putting me down
• You hadn’t touched me in forever
• I wanted some excitement before I got old
• I’m still mad you forced me to have another kid/buy a house/move here

44. “We’ll be single again in Heaven, right?”

45. An affair can be a desperate attempt to STAY
in a relationship.
People sometimes acknowledge this:
“When you wouldn’t have sex,
or you treated me so badly,
what else could I do?”

46. The Betrayed (and the therapist)
can be sympathetic
to the Betrayer’s dilemma…
And still hold the Betrayer accountable
for her choices.

47. Infidelity may be more about
someone’s relationship to herself
than about her relationship w/her mate.
Many Betrayeds refuse to accept this,
complicating the situation.

48. RECONCILIATION?

49. To reconcile or not?
Don’t let them do this too soon.
First they have to negotiate
what relationship they want.
Is there one relationship they both want?
If so, then we can discuss how/whether
they can create it.

50. Do one or both want to reconcile?
• Under what conditions?
• Do they have a joint vision of the desired relationship?
• Do they want the sex to be different?
• If they want change, how will they create it?
• How will they measure the change?
• How will they know they’ve “made it”?
• Why should they stay together?

51. How do I know you won’t do it again?
How have you changed?
What will you do differently?
How will we change?

52. PORNOGRAPHY
&
MASTURBATION

53. How most porn consumers describe their use
• They only use it to masturbate
• They know it’s a fantasy
• They don’t expect to duplicate what they see
• They appreciate actors’ enthusiasm
• They appreciate the depictions of desire & arousal
• They prefer depictions of cooperative sex
• Like masturbation, it’s private
• If partner disapproves, it’s secret
• It doesn’t undermine their partner sex

54. Myths about porn
• Only men watch porn
• Porn steals people from their partners
• Porn makes people want kinky things
• Porn makes people less empathic
• Porn is almost entirely violent, and it’s all about pleasing men
• You can get addicted to porn
• Watching porn is a form of infidelity

55. People typically consume porn
as part of masturbating.
Is masturbation acceptable
in a given relationship?

56. If not, there’s no point in
discussing pornography.
If masturbation is acceptable,
then the issue is about
“masturbating with pornography.”

57. Why some people prefer
masturbation (w/ or w/o porn)
to partner sex
• The sex is more satisfying
• Ongoing conflict in the couple
• No criticism, disappointment, or failure
• No performance anxiety; less dysfunction
• Control of the experience
• Lack of agreement on sexual routines
• No contraception struggles or fertility conflicts
• No startup cost after long absence of couples sex

58. Masturbating to porn
can be a strategy:
• For staying married
• For avoiding an affair or sex worker
• For avoiding being honest about sex life
• For feeling normal
• For avoiding existential issues about autonomy,
dependence, intimacy, aging

59. What are we talking about
when we talk about porn?
• Violence
• Fear
• Loss & grief
• Jealousy
• Body image
• Masturbation
• Powerlessness
• Isolation & loneliness
• Lack of attention
• Lack of empathy
• Bad manners
• User’s hostility
• Feeling pushed away or
abandoned

60. Is watching porn a form of infidelity?
• That depends on the couple’s contract
• Many people claim a retroactive agreement
• What if two people differ on this?
• What’s the salient features of infidelity?
• Should a therapist take sides?
• What is this conflict really about?

61. Why “addiction” isn’t helpful here
• Feeling out of control ≠ being out of control
• Assumes someone can’t control their decision-making
• Both people get to avoid the work
• Pathologizes Betrayer’s choices
• Means Betrayer will always be at risk of betraying
• Doesn’t address the relationship
• Doesn’t address masturbation—is it legitimate in this
relationship?
• Skips over possible mental health issues

62. Some people would rather have an “addiction” than
• Discuss masturbation
• Discuss the couple’s sex life
• Discuss non-sex life
• Admit they’re unhappy
• Admit they don’t want the relationship
• Deal with their resentment cleanly
• Admit they made a poor marital choice
• Admit they’re selfish or self-destructive
• Displease God

63. CYBERSEX

64. “Cyber-infidelity”
Is online activity “real” or not?
Does it matter?
• Words of affection
• Masturbating together
• Sharing photos or video
• Controlling other’s toy
• Sex with each other’s avatar
• Sex worker or not

65. Cybersex
• Remote sex: between people who are connected through the Internet, not geography.
May involve electronic sex toys to enhance the experience. Sensations may be
transmitted via touch sensors to enable mutual real-time arousal.
• Virtual sex: when people share sexual content through devices. This includes typed
messages, video and voice chats both online and via phone. May involve avatars in
3-D worlds. May involve 3-D printed body parts of others.
• Robots and sex dolls: Machines will learn our preferences and language.
• Immersive entertainment: via VR and forthcoming technologies.
• Customize our bodies with implants: We become our own devices.

66. Why people get involved in cybersex
• Prefer anonymity to being known
• Prefer taboo activities or partners
• Believe it will heighten pleasure
• Time/space discontinuity
• Desire novel experiences
• Think it’s “normal”
• Lack emotional skills for real-life partnered sex

67. Some issues with cybersex
• Creating porn online
• Interacting w/sex workers
• Interacting sexually w/people
• Sex w/robots
• Social media
• Going to sex chat rooms or forums; trying to meet people
• Child porn images; government stings
• Typically not “authorized” by partner (altho not explicitly forbidden)
• “Addiction”?
• What constitutes cyber-infidelity?

68. Cybersex
• AI & VR are creating new personal and relationship challenges
• People turning to it more as it becomes more ubiquitous
• Robot sex
• Can involve gratifications as well as self-harming uses
• “Digisexuals:” identity around sexual experience that involves immersive
technologies and does not depend on the presence of another person.
• What about VR sex w/the avatar of someone w/o their consent? Similar to
revenge porn? Traumatic if other person finds out?
• Create or distribute VR without consent of others
• Secrecy and deception with mate
• Where is our clinical sophistication supposed to come from?

69. 2015 Prediction re: cybersex
“Intolerance, shame, guilt, fear, ignorance, and
loneliness will be all but forgotten,
replaced by limitless erotic pleasures fueled by
understanding, respect, tolerance, passion,
kindness, and love.”
Nonsense.
Humans carry their sex-negativity
wherever we go.

70. Sex with robots
• Personalities are now being programmed, not just movements and looks.
• What does it mean for a robot or doll to become “more lifelike”?
• Artificial companions are not just about sex, but about what humans want
from their relationships & themselves--including pleasure and friendship.
• If we can program robot’s personality, we won’t have to develop the skills
of dealing w/imperfect people—which would be our loss.
• Artificial adult companions can help users cope with stress, anxiety,
depression, or trauma by offering a safe and non-judgmental space to
express feelings & needs.

71. In summary
• Blurring the line between imagination and reality is new (outside
of religion & spirituality); we don’t yet have a vocabulary for it.
• Definition of “normal” is now less certain.
• This all challenges us to think about what we want from sex,
and what makes us human.
• This all challenges us to think about what “fidelity” means, and
why we want it.
• Why does cybersex matter?

72. Looking ahead
As we drift along with new technologies our values change.
What we want changes.
And what we think of as “human,” “intimate,” and “free will”
changes.
We should push clients to think about these things rather
than letting them choose not to. In the future, what will be
considered “normal?”

73. Marty Klein, Ph.D
www.SexEd.org
@DrMartyKlein
Klein@SexEd.org