Russell Grenning considers updating his image and reputation through marketing tactics like advertising slogans. He discusses how slogans like "new and improved" have become ubiquitous but don't accurately capture personal reinvention. Grenning humorously proposes applying greenwashing, niche marketing, and wholesome imagery techniques to portray himself in a refreshed way, though acknowledges some proposals may cross ethical lines. In the end, he jokes that readers who "accept all of this" could win a prize, poking fun at manipulative advertising incentives.

1. Newand improved?
Russell Grenning
I’ve decidedIneedanewimage- aglossier,happier,nicerandfriendlierimage.
Yes,I modestlyacknowledgethatmyreputationasa lovingfamilyman,loyal anddevotedpartner
and upstandingmemberof the communityis unblemishedbut,somehow,Ifeel thatitcouldbe,
well,refreshedandupdated.Iwantto be knownfor more thanmy honesty,decency,sense of
justice andfairplay,extraordinaryanddiverse talents,modesty andall-roundwonderfulness.
So,I have turned to the advertisingindustryforafew tips. Afterall,the keyfunctionof advertisingis
to create desiresandneeds.
In 2008, the Global Vice Presidentof Axedeodorant–soldhere as Lynx - admittedthatnobodywore
deodorantinthe UK prior to WorldWar 11 andthat it tookadvertisingto “educate”consumers
aboutacceptable bodyodour. “The senseof paranoia created the market,” he said.I don’tknow
abouthis productbut at leasthisadmission wasrefreshing.
InitiallyIthoughtthat “newand improved”couldbe appliedtomyrepackagedpersonabutthat
sloganhas somewhatlostitspunch.Infact,I thinkthat “new and improved”isreallyan oxymoron –
If somethingis “new”thenit hasn’texistedbefore –andeveryaching,creakingjointremindsme
that I mostcertainlyhave – so,therefore,itcannotbe “improved”andvice-versa.
Why onlyrecentlyitwasbreathlesslyannounced, “CricketAustralia revealsa new and improved
digital media strategy,separatescontentfromcorporate” whateverthatmeansin EnglishwhileHer
Majesty’sCommonwealthGovernment’sIntellectualPropertysite –IP Australia – isexcitedaboutits
“newand improved patentsearch system”.I understandthatthe European Disposablesand
NonwovensAssociation (EDNA) whichsoundslike afuncrowdhas a “new and improved test
method”forwhat our Americancousinscall “adultdiapers”.Thisnewshitthe mediaasa resultof a
leak.
Anyhow,ourEdna isa Dame so we are well aheadof the Europeans.
I consideredsomethinglike, “75%better” but itbegsthe question:betterthanwhat?The obvious
answerisbetterthanthe oldme and, frankly,Idon’tthinkthatwouldbe honest andthat I am. You
can’t improve onperfection,canyou?
PerhapsI couldmarketmyofferof friendship –or,at least,acquaintanceship –asan “exclusive
offer”or as a “premiumopportunityforVIPA-Listers”orevenasa “Limited Edition Opportunity”with
folksurgedto “Act nowand save”. I have alwaysliked the “Themoreyou spend,themore you save”
enticementandIwonderhowmanypeople have savedthemselvesintobankruptcy.
Nowadays,agood ployisto include wordslike “green”, sloganslike “fora betterworld”,“eco-
friendly”and “no animalswere harmed in the making of this product”.Theyappeal tothe youngand
idealisticandolderfolksburdenedwithguiltaboutthe carbonfootprinttheyhave leftoversix or
sevendecades.Of course the colourgreenismandatoryandnice snapsof trees,crashingwaveson
pristine beachesandlovelyfluffycloudshelpimmeasurablyonthe packaging.

2. Withjust a little tweakingof the name of an existingdo-gooderoutfitinthe environment game,I
couldcreate a whole newwebsitecalled “Grenning Australia”– I beta lot wouldn’tactuallynotice
the difference.
I couldsell myservices,viathisproposedwebsite,toall sortsof organisationsseekingacceptance
and legitimacyinthe brave newworld.How isthisfora couple of examples? “Thisclean,green
industrialstrengthsolventis madefresh fromnewly excavated coal” or “Ourfactory producesless
than 0.000000000001% of global carbon emissions”.
I couldgo the niche marketroute to presentmyself asunique,ruggedlyindividual andveryexclusive
– ratherlike those loavesof breadinrough-hewnslabspackagedinbrownpaperbagsusingterms
like “backto basics” and“original recipe”. I thinkI woulddraw the line at “stoneground”because it
mightgive uncharitable peopleideas.
I do admire those vastmulti-national bakeryconglomerateswhichchurnoutbiscuitsatthe rate of
several millionaminute andthenmarketthemas “Aunty Mary’sOwn Recipe”in packetsthat
feature a sweetoldladyhandingoutaplate of cookiestored-cheekedlaughingkiddiesinarustic
kitchen.The image issowholesome andthatcertainlyisme.Mywholesomenessisrightupthere
withmymodesty.
Andif you acceptall of thisyou – yes,you – couldbe in the runningfora lovelysetof imported,high
qualitysteakknives.