Managing your own expectations is often forgotten in adoption. Here various change models are explored within the context of trauma,

1. ADOPTION UK WEBINAR : AUGUST 2020
Expectations, Disappointment and
Happiness within adoption:
Helen Oakwater
Adopter, Coach, Trainer, Author, Explorer
www.FABparents.co.uk
@HelenOakwater
Former:
AUK Trustee
AUK Local Coordinator
LA Panel member x2
Govt Task Force

2. The Oakwater approach
Grounded and Flowing
© Helen Oakwater 2020
• Challenging for some because:-
• Truth :
• Brutal? : Harsh? Shocking?
• Useful : Effective : Empowering:
• Reverse Engineering
• What I wish I’d known at every stage
• Leading Learner
• Holistic
• Diverse Fields
• Pragmatic

3. Breadth of
Knowledge
Depth of
Knowledge
RESEARCH
Towers of
Isolation
Helen’s
Knowledge
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Join the dots
Knowledge comes from but a single perspective;
wisdom comes from multiple perspectives”
Gregory Bateson

4. Managing your Expectations = Agenda
“Disappointment takes a lot of planning”
• Preframe : My approach
• Reverse engineering
• My assumptions about you
• Universal Cycle of Change
• Fantasy Child :
• Car metaphor
• Time Lines concept
• Theraplay model
• Flow model
• Parenting needs model
• Components of Happiness
• Adventures = Stretching self
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Enquiry Question
What is it to
have a full and
rich life?

5. ADOPTION UK WEBINAR : JUNE 2020
Future-proofing your adoptive
family : (whistlestop concepts)
Helen Oakwater
Adopter, Coach, Trainer, Author, Explorer
• Story telling
• Pointers to resources: deeper dive
• Facebook & contact
• Oakwater shrapnel metaphor
• Understand the past : ie WHY
• Jigsaw of truth
• Reframing
• Damage limitation in future
www.FABparents.co.uk
@HelenOakwater
Former:
AUK Trustee
AUK Local Coordinator
LA Panel member x2
Govt Task Force
Available on YouTube &
Adoption UK website

6. Managing your Expectations :
What I am assuming you already know”
© Helen Oakwater 2020
• Attachment
• model, principles, types,
• Trauma
• Developmental Trauma
• No words
• Disrupted Child
Development Stage
© Helen Oakwater 2017
pre
natal
0-2
17-25
12-17
9-12
2-4
4-8

7. Developed by Kris Hallbom
Chart: Seven Stages of Universal Cycle of Change
Stage of
cycle
Essence Further detail
Creation
New beginnings, birth
and rejuvenation.
All systems must have a starting point of
some kind.
Growth
Growth and
expansion.
Grows, expands and becomes self-
organising.
Complexity
to
Maturity
Perfection and
Refinement.
System grows in shape and form reaching a
steady state.
Optimal operational state.
Turbulence
Too complex.
Problems develop.
Feedback from environment.
Choice point.
Either Change and shift to next level of
Creation and Growth
Or advance to Chaos.
Chaos
Crisis, mass change
and opportunity.
System is too complex can’t hold it together
and falls apart.
Releasing and
Dropping Off
Letting go of what no
longer serves you.
Release or dropping off to bring system back
into balance otherwise chaos persists.
Meditation
and
Dormancy
System regains its
balance.
Recycle into Creation. System has less
mass, more energy because it has absorbed
learnings from the previous cycle.
Universal Cycle of Change
by Kris Hallbom www.nlpca.com
© Helen Oakwater 2020

8. Your Expectations Through Time
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Infant
Toddler
Early Years
Infant School
Junior School
Early Adolescence
Mid Adolescence
Late Adolescence
Young Adult
Older Adult
Your expectation
of each stage
Is it a
Fantasy Child?

10. N
O
W
TIMELINE EXERCISE
15 205 2510
A
B
C
E
D
F
Timeline : Concept and Exercise
© Helen Oakwater 2020

11. Your Expectations Through Time
Viewed through Trauma Lens
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Infant
Toddler
Early Years
Infant School
Junior School
Early Adolescence
Mid Adolescence
Late Adolescence
Young Adult
Older Adult
Your expectation
of each stage

12. BA
C
D
DomesticViolence
Hidden Pregnancy
Legal Drugs
Nutrition
Illegal
Drugs

13. N
O
W
TIMELINE EXERCISE
15 205 2510
A
B
C
E
D
F
Timeline : Concept and Exercise
© Helen Oakwater 2020

15. Profile of parenting needs: Small extract
from Family Futures Assessment Handbook
© Helen Oakwater 2020
STRUCTURE NURTURE ENGAGEMENT CHALLENGE
CHILDS
ATTACHMENT
STYLE
Secure Low Low Low Low
Ambivalent Medium High Low Low
Avoidant High High High Low
Disorganised
High - If acting out
Low if dissociative
High High Low
This is a tiny window into a much larger framework : VERY SIMPLIFIED

16. “Comparison is the thief of joy”
Theodore Roosevelt
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Our kids are
Outliers

17. Opening cartoon from
WANT TO ADOPT:
How to prepare yourself to parent a
child from the care system
by
Helen Oakwater
TIM
Traumatised
Infant
Maltreated
SANDY
Securely
Attached
Normally
Developing
Youngster
© Helen Oakwater 2018
TIM
is an
Outlier

18. Therapeutic Reparenting
Theraplay model
Structure HIGH - repeat, visual, map it out
Nurture HIGH - arousal level, window of
tolerance
Engagement HIGH - (exec functioning poor)
Challenge LOW - low stress
Futureproof: You and them
© Helen Oakwater 2016

19. FABParents Approach
Adult Child
© Helen Oakwater 2017
“There is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and freedom.
Victor Frankl”

20. 1. Regulate (you & them)
2. Relate
3. Reason
Three step process
“Dysregulated children in school
will not learn”: Dr Bruce Perry
Simple
Consistent
Open
© Helen Oakwater 2017

21. Developed by Kris Hallbom
Chart: Seven Stages of Universal Cycle of Change
Stage of
cycle
Essence Further detail
Creation
New beginnings, birth
and rejuvenation.
All systems must have a starting point of
some kind.
Growth
Growth and
expansion.
Grows, expands and becomes self-
organising.
Complexity
to
Maturity
Perfection and
Refinement.
System grows in shape and form reaching a
steady state.
Optimal operational state.
Turbulence
Too complex.
Problems develop.
Feedback from environment.
Choice point.
Either Change and shift to next level of
Creation and Growth
Or advance to Chaos.
Chaos
Crisis, mass change
and opportunity.
System is too complex can’t hold it together
and falls apart.
Releasing and
Dropping Off
Letting go of what no
longer serves you.
Release or dropping off to bring system back
into balance otherwise chaos persists.
Meditation
and
Dormancy
System regains its
balance.
Recycle into Creation. System has less
mass, more energy because it has absorbed
learnings from the previous cycle.
Universal Cycle of Change
by Kris Hallbom www.nlpca.com
© Helen Oakwater 2020

22. COMPONENTS OF HAPPINESS
Appreciation
ENGAGEMENT
PLEASURE
MEANING
Savouring
Joy
Coherence
Integration
Flow
PurposeWisdom
Based on material from “Avoiding the Enemies to Happiness” by Grant Soosula
Components of Happiness
Grant Soosalu
Much missed : Cocreator of MBIT

23. http://bit.ly/2I2gvrq
Helen
Oakwater
YouTube
Channel

25. Lewis Pugh
UN Ambassador
for the oceans
Antarctica
2015

27. With Frank Pucelik
(NLP Co-creator)
in Ukraine
filming him
explaining his
Veterans PTSD
programme

28. https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790
https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790
Robert Dilts explaining Logical Levels
(Helen Oakwater YouTube Channel) First video

29. https://youtu.be/hrK9_ZPo790
Robert Dilts explaining Logical Levels and TRAUMA
(Helen Oakwater YouTube Channel) Second video

30. FLO
W
Boredom
Anxiety
CHALLENGE
SKILL
Need for skills and growth
Flow: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
“CREATIVITY: FLOW AND THE PSYCHOLOGY OF DISCOVERY AND INVENTION”
(PRONOUNCED CHICK-SENT-ME HI)
© Helen Oakwater 2016

31. COMPONENTS OF HAPPINESS
Appreciation
ENGAGEMENT
PLEASURE
MEANING
Savouring
Joy
Coherence
Integration
Flow
PurposeWisdom
Based on material from “Avoiding the Enemies to Happiness” by Grant Soosula
What is it to have a full and rich life?
COURAGE : COMPASSION : CREATIVITY (mBIT)
© Helen Oakwater 2020
Realistic
Expectations
Behavioural
Flexibility
Reflective
Practice
Being
Real
Laughter
Having Fun
Keep
Learning

32. Developed by Kris Hallbom
Chart: Seven Stages of Universal Cycle of Change
Stage of
cycle
Essence Further detail
Creation
New beginnings, birth
and rejuvenation.
All systems must have a starting point of
some kind.
Growth
Growth and
expansion.
Grows, expands and becomes self-
organising.
Complexity
to
Maturity
Perfection and
Refinement.
System grows in shape and form reaching a
steady state.
Optimal operational state.
Turbulence
Too complex.
Problems develop.
Feedback from environment.
Choice point.
Either Change and shift to next level of
Creation and Growth
Or advance to Chaos.
Chaos
Crisis, mass change
and opportunity.
System is too complex can’t hold it together
and falls apart.
Releasing and
Dropping Off
Letting go of what no
longer serves you.
Release or dropping off to bring system back
into balance otherwise chaos persists.
Meditation
and
Dormancy
System regains its
balance.
Recycle into Creation. System has less
mass, more energy because it has absorbed
learnings from the previous cycle.
Universal Cycle of Change
by Kris Hallbom www.nlpca.com
© Helen Oakwater 2020

33. (Adult) Arousal Diagram (Ogden & others)
Window of Tolerance / Modulation Model
Window
of
Tolerance
Hyper /
over vigilant
Hypo / under vigilant
?? Dissociated??
Feel
&
Think
Feel
?Feel?
or not
A
R
O
U
S
A
L
© Helen Oakwater 2017

34. Extract from WANT TO ADOPT by Helen Oakwater
© Helen Oakwater 2019
© Helen Oakwater 2019

35. Trauma Triggered Behaviour
Helen Oakwater’s Online Course

36. 36
www.FABparents.co.uk
Melting Trauma : Transformation : Future Proofing

37. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, etc
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking
REAL and honest
EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership,
communication skills, trauma, etc)
LEADING LEARNER principles
FABParents.co.uk
© Helen Oakwater 2017