This document discusses how sex addiction can impact relationships and the process of recovery for both the addict and their partner. It outlines the three legs of recovery as the addict establishing sobriety, the partner surviving trauma, and the couple rebuilding trust or separating. Key principles for couple recovery include accepting responsibility for one's own actions, supporting each other, and rebuilding intimacy over time. The recovery process involves three stages: impact, making sense of meaning, and ultimately moving forward together or apart.

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Can Relationships
Survive Sex
Addiction?

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The impact on
couple
relation-ships

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• Wrecks trust
• Trauma of staggered
disclosure
• Secrecy and shame
• Social stigma
• Misunderstanding
Why sex addiction hurts so
much

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•Often more challenging to values
•No ‘before’ to get back to
•May never be over
•Shame
•Not a symptom of a problem within the
relationship
•Powerlessness
Differences to
affairs

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Addict Recovery – establishing sobriety, identifying causes and
triggers, committing to relapse prevention strategies, repair to self
identity, external support structure
Partner Recovery – surviving trauma, assessing reality,
establishing balance and stability, developing psychological safety
strategies, repairing self identity, external support structure
Couple Recovery - shared understanding of addiction,
committing to each other’s recovery, establishing accountability,
rebuilding trust and intimacy or healthy separation
3 legs of recovery

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1. They blame the addiction, not each other
2. They each accept responsibility for how they think, feel and behave
3. They each accept responsibility for meeting their own recovery needs and
becoming happy and whole
4. They have support from others in their individual recovery
5. They support each other in their individual recovery
6. They empathise with each other
7. They respect each other
8. They’re honest with each other
9. They give each other the benefit of the doubt
10. They commit to rebuilding trust and developing deeper intimacy.
Key principles of couple
recovery

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1. Impact– getting back to solid ground by establishing
self care and individual recovery and minimising further
damage
2. Meaning – assessing the damage through disclosure,
exploring relationship strengths/weaknesses and
improving communication
3. Moving on – rebuilding the relation-ship through trust
building, deepening intimacy and improved resilience
(Baucom & Snyder 2011)
Stages of couple
recovery

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• Commit to self care
• Look after family
• Establish accountability
• Minimise conflict
• Agree ‘check-ins’
The impact stage tasks

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• Therapeutic disclosure
• Assessing the relationship
• The emotional impact letter (partner)
• The emotional restitution letter (addicted
partner)
• The addiction explanation letter (addicted
partner)
• The acknowledgement letter (partner)
• Negotiate boundaries
The meaning stage
tasks

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• Draws a line under the information seeking and sharing process
• Allows both to remember and acknowledge what was shared during
earlier, emotionally charged disclosures
• Provides a safe space to process any additional information that may be
revealed
• Ensures an equal relationship, without secrets, where both parties know
what happened
• Allows decisions to be made about the future based on truth
• Creates greater opportunities for intimacy to grow from shared knowledge
of the past
• Provides information from which the accountability contract can be
strengthened
TD - Benefits for the
couple

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• Acknowledge & accept new rules
• Overcome shame and blame
(forgiveness)
• Rebuild trust
• Deepen & develop intimacy
The moving on stage
tasks

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• Proactive honesty
• Be accurate
• T30 Journal
• Technological transparency
• 10 minute rule
• Financial openness
• 24 hour disclosure rule
• Openness to polygraphs
NB – NO SURPRISES
Becoming trustworthy

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• Unconscious collusions
• Significant previous issues within the relationship
• Relationship/sexual issues previously hidden by
addiction
• Refusal to commit to individual recovery
• Non forgiveness
• Shame
• Blame
• Fear
Blocks to moving
forward

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Laurel Centre Services
Therapy
• Individual Psychotherapy (also via Skype)
• Couple Counselling & Disclosure services
• Couple weekend recovery intensives
• PsychosexualTherapy
• Residential & Weekly Addiction Recovery Groups
• Residential & Weekly Partner Support Group
• Online recovery groups
Training - ISAT (Institute for Sex AddictionTraining)
• Accredited Diploma in Sex Addiction Counselling
• CPD days

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Thank you
Email: paula@thelaurelcentre.co.uk
Twitter: @paulahall_psych
Web: www.thelaurelcentre.co.uk
Central Office: 01926 339594