This document discusses confrontation in relationships and provides guidance on how to have difficult conversations. It defines confrontation and boundaries, and explains that confrontation aims for reconciliation, not just forgiveness. When done properly with the right attitudes, confrontation can help preserve love, resolve issues, and create growth. However, people often avoid confrontation due to fear. The document provides tips for both initiating confrontation respectfully as well as receiving confrontation, including staying calm, listening, agreeing with truth, and offering forgiveness when the other person takes responsibility.

1. Confrontation in Relationships Thoughts from book, How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding By Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and other sources Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center

2. Terminology Confront: Comes from the Latin meaning to turn one's face toward something or someone. Boundary: “Your personal property line”-- who you are, where you end, and others begin. Confrontation: Set a boundary that works when one is honest and when one establishes a consequence for another's hurtful actions.

3. Confront  Counsel (pagpayuhan/ bagbagaan)  Correct (itama ang asal/ tarimaanen ti tignay)  Advise (pagpayuhan/ paligmaanan)  Admonish/reprove (pagsabihan/ babalawen)  Rebuke (isisi/ pabasolen)  Discipline (disciplinahin/ surwan)

4. Boundaries: defining who we are What I want and what I don't want What I am for and what I am against What I love and what I hate What is “me” and what is “not me” What are my opinions, beliefs, and attitudes

5. Situations Where We Need to Set Boundaries Dealing with a difficult person in a relationship (abuser, manipulator, controller, irresponsible) Figuring out when to say “No” so as not to overextend oneself Working out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship Taking a stand for one's values in a relationship Preventing someone from taking over one's time, energy, or resources--- more than one wants to give.

6. When Might Confrontation Be Helpful To Preserve love Prov. 27:6 To Resolve alienation (bring disconnected people together) To Empower, build each other up (I Thess 5:11) To Solve problems (No pain no gain, applies. Unresolved problems become worse)

7. What are Some Reasons Some Don't Confront? I don't know how to do it right I fear failure or repercussions I feel that confronting will cause more harm than good I fear losing the relationship I fear being the object of anger I fear being hurtful I fear being perceived as bad

8. Confrontation is About Reconciliation It is NOT about Forgiveness Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against them. It is letting go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness. As God has offered forgiveness to everyone, we are expected to do the same. (Matt 6:12, 18:35)

9. Confrontation is About Reconciliation Reconciliation is different from Forgiveness Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile.

10. Confrontation is About Reconciliation Trust is unrelated to forgiveness and reconciliation Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again, and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again (Matt 3:8, Prov. 4:23)

11. When Might Confrontation Be Helpful To Create growth (especially with children... growth comes from experiencing truth with love) To Clarify reality (removing misunderstandings and distortions) To Avoid being part of the problems. Ex. Stop enabling bad behavior/addictions. Prov. 19:19, Ezek. 3:18-19

12. Essentials: Be emotionally present and connected Be warm and available to the other person Converse, don't lecture Connect, even with differences Be willing to make the other uncomfortable (or be uncomfortable yourself) without being injurious Observe yourself and what makes you “shut down” or “open up”

13. Essentials: Clarify the Problem Clarify the nature of the problem. Specifics and observations Clarify the effects of the problem Clarify your desire for change

14. Essentials: Be careful about the use of “You” and “I” For example: “You need to change” really means “I need for you to change.” Use the Formula, when you do “A” I feel “B”

15. Essentials: Stay on Task Be specific and clear Expect: Defensiveness Deflection Diversion

16. Essentials: Remember Humility Balance grace and truth Affirm and validate Apologize for your part in the problem Be helpful and supportive

17. Essentials: Attitudes  Unselfish (in motive)  Desire for win-win result  Seeking people development  NOT while angry  Other’s best interest at heart

18. Confrontation Guidelines 1. Confront ASAP 2. Separate the person from their actions 3. Only confront what the person can change 4. Give person the benefit of the doubt 5. Be specific 6. Avoid sarcasm

19. Confrontation Guidelines 7. Avoid words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ 8. Express feelings 9. Give a “game plan” 10. Affirm the person <Guidelines by John Maxwell>

20. A.I.R. Method of Confronting Step 1. Awareness (may kaalaman/ ammo) Step 2. Impact/ Consequence/Cause and Effect (epekto) Step 3. Request (makiusap/ ipakisuyo)

21. But What If You Are Receiving the Confrontation? Confrontation done in a loving and gentle manner yields a positive response. Confrontation done poorly results in anger, hurt, and/or defensiveness.

22. 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry 1. Keep Silent (Isaiah 53:7) 2. Think Before You React (James 1:19-20) 3. Really Listen (James 1:19) 4. Respond Gently (Proverbs 15:1) 5. Agree with whatever is true -in principle -with the possibility of truth (Matthew 5:25)

23. 10 Biblical Ways to Defuse Attack When Confrontation Goes Awry 6. Give caring feedback (I Peter 3:9) 7. Bless the person (Romans 12:14) 8. Avoid quarrelling (Ephesians 4:31) 9. Offer to help (Luke 6:27) 10. Ask for forgiveness (Psalm 51:3-4)

24. 4 Rs of Forgiveness and Repentance  Take RESPONSIBILITY  Demonstrate REMORSE/REGRET  RESOLVE to change now  REPAIR the damage “ When someone goes through these 4 R’s with sincerity. We have the obligation to forgive even if the trust is not yet re-established. As to that trust, here is an old Arabic saying: “Forgive, but tie up your camel.”

25. References  Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. “How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding... With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You're Dating,” Zondervan, 2005.  Maxwell, John C. “Developing the Leaders Around You,” Thomas Nelson, 2005.  ” Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills,” International Training Partners.  Maybin, Sarita. “To Confront or Not to Confront? When You'd Rather Not Say Anything.” http://ezinearticles.com/?To-Confront-or-Not-to-Confront?:--What-to-Say-When-Youd-Rather-Not-Say-Anything-At-All&id=465187  Schlessinger, Dr. Laura. 4 Steps to Repentence. Vol. 2012. articles.chicagotribune.com, 1998.

26. How to Have that Difficult Conversation You've been Avoiding Thoughts from book of the same name By Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend Presented by Bob and Celia Munson, Bukal Life Care & Counseling Center