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Victoria Smith
Smith Mediation & Consulting
Vsmith.mediation@gmail.com
DownloadsCinderellaandthewickedstepsisters.mp4
What do fairy tales have to do with conflict?
Victim
Hero
Villain
Making a Victim
Airing our grievances to others
Blaming
Our Egos have been attacked
Powerless
Passive
Innocent
Manipulative
Hope to show the pain we have been
caused
Protects
Selfless
Aggressive
Justice
“They had it coming”
Defender
Righteous
What makes a
Villain?
Mean Spirited
Vindictive
Controlling
Aggressive
They feel backed
into a corner
Win-Lose
Solutions
Victimization
for everyone
Attacks
Is she the Victim?
Kanye
Katy Perry
Is she the Villain?
Kanye
Katy Perry
Is she her own Hero?
“Why is it mischievous, fun and
sexy if a guy has a string of
lovers that he’s cast aside? Yet, if
a woman dates three or four
people in an eight-year period,
she is a serial dater”
All of us are the villains of
someone’s story
We feel threatened and lash
out because we have no
where else to go
Criticism
There is a difference between
venting and complaining
Find our voice
Passive Assertive
Aggressive Assertive
Avoids
They don’t want to cause
conflict
Apologizes even if they have
no reason
Hard time communicating
their feeling, needs etc.
Criticism
Uses Humiliation
Superiority
Impulsive
Hard Time Listening To Others
States What They Want
Doesn’t Violate Others
Not Push Overs
Listens to Others
Body Language
There is a fine line
between righteous and
self-righteous
Both Aggressive
Both Protecting
Know what types of behavior or
people trigger a response from you
Work on positive change with them
and yourself
Don’t be afraid to tell someone how
something they did made you feel
You and I statements
Put Blame on the other person
Focus on behaviors, words and actions not the person
What do you do to be a better communicator?
“LISTEN. We often already have the answer to
what the other person is saying before we even
listen to what they have to say.” (Survey).
“You have to be open to saying something they
don’t want to hear or hearing something you
don’t want to hear.” (Survey).
Listening to what the person
is saying and waiting to
comment
Yelling is OK- As long as you
are “speaking” the same
language
We can’t judge how people
communicate
Acknowledge who the other
person is (Ury).
Don’t get stuck on positions
Understand our differences
People that come up with their own
solutions are 80% more likely to follow
through
Best Alternative to Negotiated
Agreement
In mediation I ask for at least 3 best
alternatives
If you don’t get what you want what is
the next best thing?
This helps you know what you really want
Worst Alternative to a Negotiated
Agreement
No one gets what they want
Someone else makes a decision
for you
Relationship breaks
The problem is often not the people,
you need to make that separation
Know what issue everyone is really
talking about
Who decides what is fair?
They are probably not out to get you
Why is trust important?
If we don’t trust someone
what can happen?
How do we develop it?
Focuses on the “community” as a whole
Develops responsibility and holds
accountability to all parties
Offers a way to help repair relationships
Who uses Restorative
Justice?
Schools
Jails
Communities
Focus on the problem
not the person
Be Assertive
Everyone is someone’s
villain
Issues not positions
Know your personality
and what can set you
off
Learn how to be a
better communicator
Tell people how you
feel
•Cohen, Steven P. “Focusing On Interests Rather Than
Positions- Conflict Resolution Key.” Web.
http://www.mediate.com/articles/tnsc.cfm
•Fisher, Roger, and William Ury. “Getting to Yes:
Negotiation Agreement without Giving In” New York:
Penguin Books, 1981. Print.
•“The Four Basic Styles of Communication.” Web. 20 Jan.
2016.
https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/we
llness/images/Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf.
•http://www.merriam-
webster.com/dictionary/communication
•https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeDhiMtUA2I&f
eature=youtu.be
•Ury, William. “Getting Past No: Negotiating Your
Way from Confrontation to Cooperation” New York:
Batnam Books. 1993. Print.
•Venter, David Dr. “BATNA Explained.” Web. 2 Feb. 17.
http://www.negotiationtraining.com.au/articles/next-
best-option/
•Woodward, Ellie. “How Taylor Swift Played the
Victim For A Decade and Made Her Entire Career.”
Web. 31, Jan. 2017.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/elliewoodward/how-taylor-
swift-played-the-victim-and-made-her-entire-
caree?utm_term=.jiRYO4KNLg#.rn7onkzJdj

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Conflict: A Fairy Tail - Victoria Smith

  • 1. Victoria Smith Smith Mediation & Consulting Vsmith.mediation@gmail.com
  • 4. Making a Victim Airing our grievances to others Blaming Our Egos have been attacked Powerless Passive Innocent Manipulative Hope to show the pain we have been caused
  • 6. What makes a Villain? Mean Spirited Vindictive Controlling Aggressive They feel backed into a corner
  • 8. Is she the Victim? Kanye Katy Perry Is she the Villain? Kanye Katy Perry Is she her own Hero? “Why is it mischievous, fun and sexy if a guy has a string of lovers that he’s cast aside? Yet, if a woman dates three or four people in an eight-year period, she is a serial dater”
  • 9.
  • 10. All of us are the villains of someone’s story We feel threatened and lash out because we have no where else to go
  • 11. Criticism There is a difference between venting and complaining Find our voice
  • 13. Avoids They don’t want to cause conflict Apologizes even if they have no reason Hard time communicating their feeling, needs etc.
  • 15. States What They Want Doesn’t Violate Others Not Push Overs Listens to Others Body Language
  • 16. There is a fine line between righteous and self-righteous Both Aggressive Both Protecting
  • 17. Know what types of behavior or people trigger a response from you Work on positive change with them and yourself Don’t be afraid to tell someone how something they did made you feel
  • 18. You and I statements Put Blame on the other person Focus on behaviors, words and actions not the person What do you do to be a better communicator?
  • 19. “LISTEN. We often already have the answer to what the other person is saying before we even listen to what they have to say.” (Survey). “You have to be open to saying something they don’t want to hear or hearing something you don’t want to hear.” (Survey).
  • 20. Listening to what the person is saying and waiting to comment Yelling is OK- As long as you are “speaking” the same language We can’t judge how people communicate
  • 21.
  • 22. Acknowledge who the other person is (Ury). Don’t get stuck on positions Understand our differences
  • 23. People that come up with their own solutions are 80% more likely to follow through
  • 24.
  • 25. Best Alternative to Negotiated Agreement In mediation I ask for at least 3 best alternatives If you don’t get what you want what is the next best thing? This helps you know what you really want
  • 26. Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement No one gets what they want Someone else makes a decision for you Relationship breaks
  • 27. The problem is often not the people, you need to make that separation Know what issue everyone is really talking about Who decides what is fair? They are probably not out to get you
  • 28. Why is trust important? If we don’t trust someone what can happen? How do we develop it?
  • 29. Focuses on the “community” as a whole Develops responsibility and holds accountability to all parties Offers a way to help repair relationships Who uses Restorative Justice? Schools Jails Communities
  • 30. Focus on the problem not the person Be Assertive
  • 31. Everyone is someone’s villain Issues not positions Know your personality and what can set you off Learn how to be a better communicator Tell people how you feel
  • 32. •Cohen, Steven P. “Focusing On Interests Rather Than Positions- Conflict Resolution Key.” Web. http://www.mediate.com/articles/tnsc.cfm •Fisher, Roger, and William Ury. “Getting to Yes: Negotiation Agreement without Giving In” New York: Penguin Books, 1981. Print. •“The Four Basic Styles of Communication.” Web. 20 Jan. 2016. https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/we llness/images/Conf14_FourCommStyles.pdf. •http://www.merriam- webster.com/dictionary/communication •https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeDhiMtUA2I&f eature=youtu.be
  • 33. •Ury, William. “Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation” New York: Batnam Books. 1993. Print. •Venter, David Dr. “BATNA Explained.” Web. 2 Feb. 17. http://www.negotiationtraining.com.au/articles/next- best-option/ •Woodward, Ellie. “How Taylor Swift Played the Victim For A Decade and Made Her Entire Career.” Web. 31, Jan. 2017. https://www.buzzfeed.com/elliewoodward/how-taylor- swift-played-the-victim-and-made-her-entire- caree?utm_term=.jiRYO4KNLg#.rn7onkzJdj