Explore the attachment dynamics underlying both codependency and abandonment issues and interventions to assist clients in recovery. Listen to this presentation on Counselor Toolbox Podcast, available on any podcasting app. Get CEUs for the Journey to Recovery Series at https://www.allceus.com/member/cart/index/product/id/924/c/ Read the accompanying book for FREE with Kindle Unlimited https://allceus.com/JTR

1. Addressing
Co-Dependency and
Abandonment Fears
Instructor: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Education
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox

2. Objectives
 Review attachment theory
 Define codependency
 Learn about core abandonment fears
 Identify ways that codependent behaviors might be
ways to cope with abandonment trauma
 Explore tools and activities to help clients recognize
their fear-related and codependent behaviors and
take effective action.

3. What is Attachment Theory?
 Attachment behaviors, such as crying, calling and
searching, are adaptive responses to separation from
with a primary attachment figure someone who provides
support, protection, and care.
 Maintaining proximity to an attachment figure via
attachment behaviors increases the chance for survival
 From our initial attachment relationship we learn
 How scary or safe the world is.
 How trustworthy others are
 If we can trust our own feelings
 What it is like to be loved.
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 3

4. What is Attachment Theory?
 The attachment system essentially "asks" the following
fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby,
accessible, and attentive?
 If the answer is "yes," the person feels loved, secure, and confident,
and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, interact
with others.
 If the answer is "no," the person experiences anxiety and, is likely to
exhibit attachment behaviors ranging from simple visual searching to
active following and vocal signaling on the other
 These behaviors continue until either
 The person is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or
psychological proximity to the attachment figure
 Until the person "wears down."
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 4

5. Triggers for Attachment
 Certain kinds of events trigger a desire of
closeness and comfort from caregivers.
 Three main sets of triggers:
 Conditions of the person (fatigue, hunger, illness,
pain, cold, etc.) (HALT)
 Conditions involving the caregiver (absent,
departing, discouraging of proximity, giving
attention to another, etc.)
 Conditions of the environment (alarming events,
criticism or rejection by others)
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 5

6. Impact of Attachment
 How loved or unloved we feel as children deeply affects
the formation of our self-esteem and self-acceptance. It
shapes how we seek love and whether we feel part of life
or more like an outsider.
 As we individuate we often again seek approval.
AllCEUs Unlimited CEUs $59 | Addiction Counselor Certificate Training $149 | Specialty Certificates $89 6

7. Consequences of Abandonment
 When biological and safety needs are not met, it can trigger
anxiety at any age.
 Fear of abandonment is a natural survival response when a person
feels unlovable, ineffective/helpless
 When people feel like they are not getting their own needs met,
they often have difficulty effectively meeting the needs of
others.
 Every stressful situation becomes a crisis because they are already
in “threat mode.”
 Fear of Rejection/isolation, Loss of control/the unknown, Failure
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

8. Signs of Abandonment Issues
 Attach to quickly
 Move on too quickly
 Partner pleaser
 Settle for bad relationships
 Constantly looking for flaws
 Reluctant to fully invest in a
relationship
 Difficulty trusting
 Avoid emotional intimacy
 Feel unworthy of love
 Jealous of virtually everyone
 Hypervigilance and over
analysis
 Repressed Anger
 Overly controlling
 Self-sabotage
 Blame yourself for breakups
Recovery & Resilience International in partnership with AllCEUs.com
Co-Occurring Disorders Recovery Coaching Curriculum
 In what ways do these behaviors protect the person from
abandonment?

9. Reactions to Fears of Abandonment
 How do these supposedly prevent abandonment? What
maintains them? What are the long-term consequences?
 Fight (You don’t want to leave me because…)
 Aggression, hostility, blaming, criticizing
 Dominance or trying to control others
 Recognition seeking to get attention/validation/approval
 Manipulation and exploitation (seduction, lying, justifying)
 Clinging and chasing
 Shame (Self anger) about feeling needy
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

10. Reactions cont…
 How do these supposedly prevent abandonment? What
maintains them? What are the long-term consequences?
 Flight (I don’t care if you leave)
 Withdrawal (physical, emotional, including addiction)
 Distraction
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

11. Co-Dependency
 Codependency describes a type of relationship
in which:
 One partner defines his or her worth or goodness
based on someone else
If I can save this person it means I am good
If this person loves me, it means I am lovable
 The codependent person often chooses relationships
in which the other person needs to be rescued,
thereby making himself or herself indispensable.
How might this result from low self-esteem and fear of
abandonment?

12. Characteristics of Codependency
 In what ways do these behaviors prevent
abandonment? What maintains them?
 Avoidance confrontation/poor communication
 Inability to identify feelings (except chronic anger)
 Confuse pity and love
 Neglect your needs to attend to another’s first
 Accept verbal or physical abuse by others
 Take responsibility for the actions of others
 Need to control others
 Feel shame when others make mistakes
Recovery & Resilience International in partnership with AllCEUs.com
Co-Occurring Disorders Recovery Coaching Curriculum

13. Characteristics of Codependency
 In what ways do these behaviors prevent
abandonment? What maintains them?
 Do more than your share at work, or at home
 Refuse to ask for help
 Need others’ validation to feel good about yourself (not
feel hurt)
 Think everyone’s feelings are more important than your
own
 Feel trapped in the relationship but stay to avoid feelings
of abandonment
 Enmeshment/poor boundaries
 Overcommitment/overwhelmed
Recovery & Resilience International in partnership with AllCEUs.com
Co-Occurring Disorders Recovery Coaching Curriculum

14. Core Abandonment Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me or
just not be there when I need them.
 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need. Nobody
understands me, cares about me or even tries to meet my
needs.
 Defectiveness: If people knew me they would reject me.
(Feeling-Based Reasoning, Examine the facts, find
exceptions)
 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
*Notice the all or nothing language in these schemas.
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

15. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Abandonment: All people leave.
 What does it look like to be available (not abandon)?
 Who in your past left you or was unavailable emotionally?
 What did they do to make you feel rejected/abandoned?
 What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been available to you emotionally?
 Who in your present is available to you emotionally?
 What do you do in your current relationships that causes
people to leave?
 Push them away How? Alternatives?
 Cling How? Alternatives?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

16. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Mistrust: People will hurt, reject, take advantage of me or
just not be there when I need them.
 What does it look like when someone is trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your past was untrustworthy or unsafe?
 What did they do that taught you people were untrustworthy or
dangerous?
 What are alternate explanations?
 Who in your past has been trustworthy and safe?
 Who in your present is available trustworthy?
 What do you do to yourself that is unsafe or dishonest?
 How does your distrust impact your current relationships?
 What could you do differently?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

17. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Emotional Deprivation: I don’t get the love I need. Nobody
understands me, cares about me or even tries to meet my needs.
 What does it look like when someone understands you and meets your
needs?
 How do you communicate your needs?
 Who in the past failed to meet your needs emotionally, and how can you
deal with that now?
 Who in your past has understood you?
 Who in your present cares about you and wants to understand?
 How can you start better understanding yourself and taking care of you?
 What can you do to start getting your needs met?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

18. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Defectiveness: If people knew me they would
reject me.
 Is this based on facts or feelings?
 How will you know when you are accepted/acceptable?
 Who in your past made you feel defective?
Are there alternate explanations?
How can you silence those old tapes?
 Who in your past has been accepting and supportive?
 Who in your present is accepting and supportive?
 How can you start accepting yourself?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

19. Questions for Clients About Core Beliefs
 Failure. I don’t measure up. I am not able to succeed.
 To what or who’s standards do you not measure up?
 What does it look like to be successful?
 Clients may need help with goal setting
 What in your past made you feel like a failure?
 What are alternate explanations/ways of viewing it?
 What have you succeeded at in the past?
 What are you good at in the present?
 *Pay attention to minimization
 What does being successful mean in terms of your relationships?
 Who are 3 successful people you know. What makes them successful?
 Does success = happiness?
 What do your kids need to do to be successful in your eyes?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

20. Behavioral Triggers
 Abandonment/Mistrust
 Change in someone’s behavior
 Not getting constant reassurance
 The other person’s relationships feel threatening
 Hypervigilant to rejection and disconnection
 Questions for clients
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What are alternate explanations?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

21. Behavioral Triggers
 Defectiveness/Failure
 Criticism
 Unexplained time apart
 Absent or inconsistent reassurance
 Failure
 Questions for clients
 How has this threatened you in the past?
 What are alternate explanations?
 What would be a helpful reaction to these behaviors now?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

22. Envisioning Activity for Clients
 What does a healthy relationship look like?
 Presence vs. abandonment
 Acceptance vs. rejection
 Emotional support/compassion vs. emotional
unavailability
 Trustworthiness vs. untrustworthiness
 Safe vs. harmful
 How can you…
 Create this relationship with yourself?
 Create this relationship with others?
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

23. Mindfulness Questions for Clients
 What am I feeling?
 What is triggering it?
 Am I safe (emotionally and physically) now? If not, what do I
need to do?
 Is this bringing up something from the past?
 How is this situation different?
 How am I different?
 How can I silence my inner critic?
 What would be a helpful reaction that…
 Moves you more toward your goals
 Moves you toward a positive emotional experience
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5

24. Summary
 Core beliefs about self, others and relationships are
formed in early life
 Identifying and being mindful of abandonment
triggers in the present can help people choose
alternate, more helpful ways of responding.
 Codependents do not feel worthy or lovable. They
need someone else to validate them
 Recovery involves
 Developing a sense of self-worth
 Addressing the depression and anxiety
 Learning about and creating a network of healthy
relationships
AllCEUs.com Unlimited CEUs $59 | Specialty Certificates $89 | Live Webinars $5