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Theology On Tap - Healthy Intimate Relationships


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The Intimacy Workshop offered as part of the Theology on Tap Series for October 2009.

Published in: Spiritual, Health & Medicine
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Theology On Tap - Healthy Intimate Relationships

  1. 1. How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships<br />“Theology on Tap” Edition<br />
  2. 2. Who am I?<br />Former St. Brigid staff pastoral counselor from 2004-2006.<br />USD graduate with MA in Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005).<br />Alliant Int’l University graduate with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007).<br />Currently an intern at a local agency and in private practice.<br />
  3. 3. My Website<br /><br />pcc = Pastoral Counseling Center<br />
  4. 4. Slides are available<br /><br />Search on “introduction to intimacy” or “ryanbuchmann”<br />Movie clips will not be available.<br />
  5. 5. Book Recommendation<br />
  6. 6. Book Recommendation<br />
  7. 7. Characteristics of Intimacy<br />Intimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable.<br /><ul><li>Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.</li></ul>Intimacy happens when it happens.<br />
  8. 8. Movie Clip<br />The Incredibles<br />
  9. 9. Characteristics of Intimacy<br />Intimacy is not easy and is often uncomfortable.<br /><ul><li>Involves the risk of vulnerability, rejection, disagreement, separation.</li></ul>Intimacy happens when it happens.<br />Intimacy is NOT sex, yet sex is a part of being intimate.<br />
  10. 10. Movie Clip<br />Sex and Breakfast<br />
  11. 11. What is “intimacy?”<br />“Intimacy is<br />The recursive experience…<br />…of open self-confrontation…<br />
  12. 12. What is “confrontation?”<br />A meeting of persons face to face<br />An open conflict of opposing ideas<br />
  13. 13. What is “self-confrontation?”<br />an event in which one is forced to recognize one&apos;s true self and its possible implications and/or consequences.<br />
  14. 14. What is “intimacy?”<br />“Intimacy is<br />The recursive experience…<br />…of open self-confrontation…<br />…of core aspects of the self…<br />…in the presence of a partner.”<br />--David Schnarch<br />Author of Passionate Marriage<br />
  15. 15. What is “intimacy?”<br />Relevant Point:<br />Intimacy starts from within.<br />
  16. 16. Premise for this Talk<br />Your job is NOT to somehow get your partner to reveal more about him/herself.<br />YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.<br />
  17. 17. Premise for this Talk<br />YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.<br />What does that imply with respect to:<br /><ul><li> Getting a date with someone?
  18. 18. Finding out if someone is into you?
  19. 19. Getting married?</li></li></ul><li>Question:<br />Exactly what is it that I should be revealing about myself to my partner?<br />
  20. 20. The Dimensions of Intimacy<br />The Four Aspects of <br />the Human Person<br />
  21. 21. Dimensions of Intimacy<br />Emotional<br />Intellectual<br />Spiritual<br />Physical<br />
  22. 22. Emotional Intimacy<br />Entails knowledge of one’s feelings<br />Being able to identify when one is experiencing an emotion.<br />The ability to label the emotion which one is experiencing.<br />The ability to know the source of the emotion.<br />
  23. 23. Media Clip<br />“What Dreams May Come”<br />
  24. 24. Intellectual Intimacy<br />Knowing how you think and what you believe to be true.<br />To which beliefs to do you hold rigidly? To which do you hold flexibly?<br />What drives, inspires, and motivates your beliefs?<br />What is the source of your beliefs?<br />What experiences did you undergo to form your beliefs?<br />
  25. 25. Book Recommendation<br />Eve Eschner-Hogan with Steven Hogan<br />
  26. 26. Movie Clip<br />He’s Just Not That into You<br />
  27. 27. Spiritual Intimacy<br />Each person does everything within their power to become their most authentic self.<br />The authentic self is the very person that God created us to be. We are most happy when we are authentic.<br />
  28. 28. Natural Drives<br />The drive to be one’s authentic self can be called the drive toward the autonomous self .<br />Relationshipis another primary human drive.<br />
  29. 29. Natural Drives<br />People move toward relationship to insure survival of self and to procreate.<br />People move toward autonomy to establish one’s individual identity and one’s place in the world.<br />
  30. 30. The Delicate Balance<br />Human beings must delicately balance the drive for relationship with the drive for autonomy.<br />
  31. 31. The Delicate Balance<br />Togetherness urges us toward others for attachment, affiliation, and for approval.<br />Finds expression in companionship, family, and society itself.<br />
  32. 32. The Delicate Balance<br />Individuality is defining one’s self as separate from others.<br />Individual beliefs, choices, personal autonomy.<br />
  33. 33. The Delicate Balance<br />Balancing between individuality (autonomy) and togetherness (relationship) creates a constant tension.<br />Relationship<br />Togetherness<br />Individuality<br />
  34. 34. The Delicate Balance<br />In the early stages of a relationship, the goal is to develop togetherness (e.g. things in common).<br />Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of the other, to be a part of the group.<br />
  35. 35. We Become Like Those We Love!<br />
  36. 36. It gets dicey!<br />Once togetherness has been established, we yearn to retain our individuality.<br />We are propelled to follow our own directives, to be on our own, and to create a unique identity.<br />This flies in the face of the “rules of togetherness.”<br />
  37. 37. Differentiation<br />The ability to maintain your sense of self…<br />…when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others…<br />…especially as they become increasingly close to you.<br />--David Schnarch<br />“Passionate Marriage”<br />
  38. 38. Differentiation<br />For the undifferentiated person, the need for togetherness resembles a neediness to be loved and accepted (aka “clingy” or “high maintenance”).<br />There is a continued need for contact, validation, and consensus from the other.<br />This leaves us unable to maintain a clear sense of who we are.<br />
  39. 39. Differentiation<br />The differentiated person does not say “I need my space.” They can stay in the relationship and know who they are.<br />Differentiation is the ability to maintain your sense of self when your partner is away or you are not in a primary love relationship.<br />
  40. 40. Media Clip<br />“The Incredibles”<br />
  41. 41. Media Clip<br />“The Incredibles”<br />
  42. 42. Media Clip<br />“The Incredibles”<br />
  43. 43. Media Clip<br />“The Incredibles”<br />
  44. 44. Excuse Me…<br />Weren’t we talking about Spiritual Intimacy?<br />
  45. 45. Spiritual Intimacy<br />The act of becoming your authentic self while remaining in a relationship is a movement toward authenticity which is directly connected to God’s plan.<br />
  46. 46. Spiritual Intimacy<br />[Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.<br />Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”<br />Mt 18:1-3<br />
  47. 47. Book Recommendation<br />
  48. 48. Book Recommendation<br />
  49. 49. Physical Intimacy<br />Easy to do: a smile, a handshake, an embrace, a kiss on the cheek.<br />As a couple we hold hands, walk arm in arm, or snuggle.<br />Physical intimacy entails connecting with someone through any of the senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, or taste.<br />
  50. 50. The Problem<br />Very BAD!<br />People think intimacy can be experienced by having SEX!<br />
  51. 51. Sex<br />The Problem<br />Intimacy<br />
  52. 52. Physical Intimacy<br />When physical intimacy is established too quickly, it begins to stunt the growth of the relationship.<br />We begin judge the quality and value of our relationship on the basis of physical intimacy.<br />
  53. 53. Intimacy<br />A Better Approach<br />Sex<br />
  54. 54. Movie Clip<br />When Harry Met Sally<br />
  55. 55. Consider this…<br />Which of the 4 dimensions of intimacy is the easiest to do?<br /> Emotional<br /> Intellectual<br /> Spiritual<br /> Physical<br />
  56. 56. Consider this…<br /> …So if the physical dimension is gone (i.e. “stopped having sex”), what does that say about the actualization of the other dimensions?<br />
  57. 57. Cautionary Note!<br />Don’t try to force intimacy.<br />Remember: Intimacy will happen when it happens. Be open to it!<br />YOU are responsible for initiating the intimate exchange.<br />Show yours first.<br />
  58. 58. Questions?<br />