Abigail the melodrama script

Cast (9) with Doubling

Ma//Maid 2 Willin/Ekron/Amalekite Gang

Owen Lots/Willin/ Eglon/Amalekite Gang MAID 1, 3

Abigail MAID 4/ Phyliss

David/ ASHKELON/Amalekite Gang MAID 5

Nabal/Abel/ GAZA/ Amalekite Gang

Note: Nabal must be the typical slimy villain and Phyllis the typical “bad woman”, exuding
wiles and seduction. David, as the hero and Abigail as our heroine should fit the stereotypes as
well, except Abigail shows less helplessness than usual.

© 2011 Kathy Applebee Find royalty free Christian Drama skits at my Fools for Christ website at
http://tiny.cc/rkaz2

Scene 1: Before curtain, center stage

MAID 1: This here’s the story of Abigail and David. I was one of Abigail’s five maids and
what I didn’t see with my own eyes I got from Miss Abigail herself.

MAID 3: We gots to start this story way back before Miss Abigail hitched up with David, or that
scoundrel Nabal. Back in the days when Phyllis Steen’s gang struck terror in the hearts of the
good folks.

MAID 1: Not so far back as another hero – Samson - who eventually busted up Phyllis Steen’s
gang for a bit. He got in some bodacious trouble with Delilah the barber.

MAID 3: You audience members can help us tell the story by responding to the signs. (MAID 5
holds up “Boo Hiss’, “Our Hero”, “He always has and He always will” and have audience
practice) Ya’ll done good so here we go.

At rise: Abigail is sweeping and MA is looking out of the window.

ABIGAIL: Ma, You been watching out the window most of the day. You reckon that Phylllis
Steen’s got her gang riding our way?

MA: I sure wish your father, Owen Lots, would get home directly. With that Phyllis Steen’s
Gang running these parts a body could come to harm.

ABIGAIL: Don’t worry so. God will take care of father. (sign) He always has and He always
will.

MA: I reckon. But this family would be in a heap of trouble if Phyllis Steen’s Gang came by our
place. They been stealing sheep and vittles, right off some folk’s tables. We sure enough need
the law around these parts but since King Saul went plumb crazy, there just ain’t been any.

ABIGAIL: (Getting that dreamy far –off love-struck look) If only King Saul would make things
right with that brave warrior David, (sigh) (MAID 4 hold “Our Hero” sign up and have
audience sigh) David would save us from Phyllis Steen’s Gang.

MA: Saul has a conniption fit at even the mention of David’s name. But David’s a clever one.
He skeedaddled himself out to the badlands. All Saul’s chasing him won’t amount to a hill of
beans.

OWEN: (entering) Ma, Abigail, I’m a feared I have some bad news. Phyllis Steen’s Gang has
stolen our sheep herd, our wheat and the shirt off my back.

MA: The shirt off your back?


OWEN: Actually, it was on the clothesline. But the rent money was in the pocket. What are we
gonna do? We’re plumb broke and the rent on this farm is due. If we can’t pay it, that ornery,
no-account rascal Nabal (MAID 5 Hold up “Boo! Hiss!” sign for audience) will foreclose and
kick us out of house and home.

ABIGAIL: God will provide a way. (MAID 4 holds up “He always has and He always will”
sign) He always has and he always will. (knocking on the door)

NABAL: (Calling from off stage) Owen Lots, open up in the name of the law. (ABIGAIL,
OWEN and MA gasp)

OWEN: The law? I’m a coming. Hold yer horses. (opening door) What can I do for you, sir?

NABAL: I’ve come for the rent! (Boo Hiss sign)

OWEN: (confused) You ain’t the law. You’re our landlord, Nabal.

NABAL: Might as well be the law. (aside to audience) Ever since Samuel came to be pushing
up daisies, I’ve been able to do whatever I want. (to Owen) Owen Lots, I’ve come for the rent.

OWEN: We can’t pay the rent. Phyllis Steen’s Gang stole our sheep, our wheat and the shirt off
my back, I mean clothesline. The rent money was in that shirt.

NABAL: Unless you pay the rent I’ll evict you into the desert. (Hold up “Boo! Hiss!” sign for
audience)

MA: We’d die or be captured by Phyllis Steen’s gang. You’re one of the richest fellers in these
parts. Give us a little more time.

NABAL: Balderdash. I want either the rent money or the hand of your beautiful and intelligent
daughter, Abigail. I’ve taken cotton to her. If you give me her hand, I’ll forgive your debt.

OWEN: (dense) Whatcha going to do with just her hand?

ABIGAIL: He means he wants to hitch up with me.

NABAL: Look at it this way. You’re not losing a daughter, your gaining a charming, handsome,
and might I add, wealthy son-in-law to your family. (laughs cruelly, with malice)

ABIGAIL: To save my family from foreclosure, I’ll marry you, Nabal.

NABAL: (Laughs evilly, to audience) That was as easy as licking butter off a knife.

Scene 2


Stage is split with David and the Desperados stage right and Abigail and her maids stage left.
One side freezes/no lights while the other side has light and action.

MAID 1: Now David had escaped from Saul by hiding out in the badlands.

MAID 3: A band of Desperados gathered around him.

DAVID: (taking His “David the superhero” pose) Red Eye, Abel and Willin, this here Ziglag is
a good place to set up camp, far far away from Saul and His evil intentions.

ABEL: But Ziglag is smack dab in the middle of Phyllis Steen’s gang’s territory.

DAVID: As God’s anointed, I ain’t worried about Phyllis Steen or her gang.

WILLIN: (Inspecting an upside down map) Ziglag? I don’t see no Ziglag. (RED EYEL turns the
map right side up and points it out for him while ABEL clobbers him with his hat)

RED EYE: According to this map, those sheep belong to a certain Big Wig from Carmel.
Nabal’s his name and he’s powerfully well off. He’s got a thousand goats and three thousand
sheep.

ABEL: I heard he’s a surly and highfaluting yellow – bellied blow hard who spends most of his
time in the saloon.

RED EYE: Folks around these parts say he’s got a wife by the name of Miss Abigail that’s sharp
as a tack and fine as frog hair.

DAVID: Since I used to be a shepherd and this Nabal is just two hoots and a holler away from
our camp, I want you Desperados to watch out for whole outfit. Phyllis Steen’s Gang might try
to kick up a row every now and then. We’ll just put a stop to it before it starts. (Abel, Willin
and Red Eye nod and “Yes, Sir”)

Scene 3

MAID 3: (Center stage, spot only) David’s Desperados watched out for Nabal’s crew the whole
time. Now in these here parts, finishing up the sheep shearing means a big shindig.
DAVID: Red Eye, Abel and Willin, I hear Nabal and His outfit is having a big hoe down directly
after shearing them sheep. Mosey on over to Carmel and tell ‘em we hope they are all as fit as a
fiddle. Then ask real nice what all he might spare in the way of vittles.
ABEL: We’ll call to His mind how nothing of sis was missing the whole time David’s
Desperados were around.


WILLIN: And how nice we treated them, like they was kinfolk. (RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL
exit. Lights off stage right. David freezes. Lights up on Abigail and her Maids. MAID 4 Holds
up sign “Meanwhile, Back at the ranch”)
MAID 1: Abigail that no account husband of yours is as full of whiskey as a tick on a three day
bender.
MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) But that ain’t all.
MAID 1: Nabal has gone and kicked up a row with David and His Desperados. Night and day
those Desperados were a wall around the menfolk keeping Phyllis Steen’s Gang from stealing
the sheep.
MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Three of David’s Desperados moseyed over, asking if Nabal had
some spare vittles for them.
MAID 1: But Nabal answered him uglier than a bucket of mud. He said….. (Spot on center
stage. NABAL is speaking to RED EYE and WILLIN)
NABAL: Who is this David? Many bumpkins are breaking away from their bosses these days.
Why should I fork over my vittles and give it to some deadbeats coming from who knows
where? Vamoose! (Spot off, Lights on stage left)
MAID 2: (Crying and carrying on, periodically blowing her nose loudly) A heap of trouble is
hanging over our thick headed master and our whole place.
MAID 1: He is such a low down varmint that a body can’t talk to him.
MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Nabal cooked up more trouble than a long tailed cat has in a
room full of rocking chairs. (Bursts into tears)
ABIGAIL: Ya’ll don’t worry yourselves none. God will provide. (MAID 5 holds up “He always
has and He always will” sign) He always has and He always will. Load up a bunch of vittles
and 5 dressed sheep on the mules.
MAID 2: What we gonna dress the sheep in – calico dresses?
MAID 4: Dressed as in ready to roast.
ABIGAIL: The saddle up girls, we’re a heading out to pay a little visit to David and his
Desperados.
MAID 5: Hold up sign “Meanwhile, back at the Desperados”. Lights off Abigail and on David.
WILLIN: Nabal wasn’t very neighborly. He told us to skedaddle.
DAVID: Jumping Jehoshephat! I’m madder than a peeled rattler! I reckon It's been balderdash
—all my watching over this fellow's property in them thar hills so that nothing of His was
missing. He has paid me back evil for good. (taking His “David” the superhero pose) May God
deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to
him! (breaking pose) Red Eye, Willin and Abel, Put on your pig stickers, boys. We’ll be paying
the Nabal place a little visit.


RED EYE: (hand over eyes, shading them for a far off look) Look there, David. Somebody’s a
coming to pay us a visit.
ABEL: (Shading eyes) It’s a mule train toting enough stuff to start a dry goods store.
WILLIN: And riding along is Miss Abigail herself. Now look, she’s getting off her mule and
looking at the dirt. Do you reckon she lost an earring? (ABEL hits him with his hat. The menfolk
all take their hats off as the women folk approach. During the exchange between DAVID and
ABIGAIL they flirt back and forth)
ABIGAIL: (Bowing) David, pay no attention to that no-account ornery skunk, Nabal. He was
just shooting his mouth off. His name is Varmint, and he acts like a varmint. Now pull in your
horns and let God take care of your enemies. No sense you getting your hands dirty. God’ll see
to it your enemies wind up like dung kicked in the ditch. Please accept this picayune gift, and
when the LORD has brought you success, remember little ole Abigail.
DAVID: Praise God for sending somebody as smart as a whip to talk some sense into my hard
head. As surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, I was planning to wipe out Nabal and his
outfit. I reckon this squares us up. Go home in peace. (tips his hat to ABIGAIL)
ABIGAIL: (aside to audience) David, My hero! (MAID 5 holds up “Our Hero” sign and has
audience sigh. Lights off except center spot on MAID holds up sign “Meanwhile, Back at the
ranch” and “Later on” sign. Lights up stage left on ABIGAIL and MAIDS.
MAID 1: God took care of the matter of Nabal alright. Within days old Nabal was pushing up
daisies.
MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Abigail, what will we do now that you’re a poor little old widow
woman? Once Phyllis Steen’s Gang finds out there’ll be no end to our troubles.
ABIGAIL: Never fear. The Lord will provide. He always has and He always will. (MAID 5
holds up sign)
RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL move to stage left, RED EYE and ABEL bow before ABIGAIL and
they have to drag WILLIN down next to them because he’s busy waving shyly at the MAIDs who
are giggling)
ABEL: David has sent us to pay his respects cuzing you’re a widow.
RED EYE: But, shucks, ma’am, a pretty little thing like you ought to not be by yourself with
Phyllis Steen’s gang roaming these parts. (They all stand) You ought to hitch up with someone
who can protect you.
ABIGAIL: You can tell David I’m ready, willing and able.
WILLIN: (Confused) You ain’t Red Eye, Willin or Abel. (pointing at each) I’m Willin, he’s
Abel…. (ABEL hits him with his hat and shuts him up)
RED EYE: She knows that. She means she’s gonna get hitched to David

Scene 5

MAID 3: Miss Abigail and we five maids headed off to Ziklag. Miss Abigail and David got
hitched. Everything was going as fine as frog’s hair until ……
DAVID: (Striking His superhero pose) Saddle up, Red Eye, Willin and Abel (To Abigail) My
Desperados and I are riding with old Achish the King.
ABIGAIL: But Achish is one of the Phyllis Steen gang!
DAVID: Don’t worry about me. Worry about my enemies. (Striking his superhero pose) After
all, I am not the David who protected my sheep in the wilderness, all by myself, against the
(singing the Wizard of Oz tune) lions and tigers and bears? Oh My!
ABIGAIL: Yes, but …
DAVID: And am I not David, the one who felled the giant Goliath with but five stones and my
trusty sling?
ABIGAIL: Yes, but…
DAVID: And am I not the David who has slain his 10 thousands as the songs about me say?
ABIGAIL: (Forcefully stopping him from interrupting her) Yes, but… I worry you’ll let that
Phyllis Steen woman give you a bad haircut.
DAVID: Don’t fret your pretty little head. I’ll keep my hat on the whole time.

MAID 3: I the meantime some of the boys in Phyliss Steen’s Gang were having a conniption fit
about David riding with them.

GAZA: How come the king is letting that David ride with us?

EKRON: Old King Achish thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas and the bee’s knees.

EGLON: (Has his crown on upside down) I hate that David guy, always up before the sun
playing rise and shine on that harp of his. Can’t a guy get a little shut eye every now and then?

GAZA: (Depressed) But what can we do about it? Nobody can hold a candle to him as a
gunslinger.

EKRON: (Defeated) He knocked off our champion, Goliath with one small stone from his sling.

GAZA: No man can defeat him with the God of Israel on his side.

PHYLISS: (Entering big and bold, yet seductive and wily) No MAN. Quit your bellyaching.
There’s a reason this here gang’s named after me, Phyllis Steen.

EGLON: Phyllis, what makes you reckon you can come up with something better than us
Philistine Kings? You’re just a woman. (GAZA hits him with his crown)


PHYLLIS: Exactly. A woman. And it’s always been a woman who’s taken these Israelite
heroes down a notch or two. Have you forgotten what my great great great grandmother Delilah
did when that muscle bound Samson had your panties up in a bunch?

EGLON: Gave him a haircut. (perking up) You gonna cut David’s hair?

PHYLLIS: A hair cut won’t work this time. David and his Desperadoes have been picking on
the Amalekites. They’re pretty sore at him. While David and his men are marching down here
to meet you all for the big showdown, I’ve arranged for the Amalekites to carry off Ziglag lock,
stock and barrel. (Pause to let it sink in for EGLON who is scratching his head) Including all the
women and children (EGLON is even more confused so ASHKELON clobbers him over the head
with his crown)

ASHKELON: When those Desperadoes of his discover their families and everything they own is
missing, THEY’LL turn on David. (PHYLLIS looks smug, the men all agree. Lights up on
Abigail and maids. The Kings take off crowns and put kerchiefs on to hide their faces and turn
them into the Amalekite Gang. They rush in and “capture” the maids, tying them to chairs.
MAID 2 repeatedly faints and carries on loudly until they gag her.)

SCENE 5
Stage is split with David and the Desperados stage right and Abigail and her maids tied to
chairs stage left. One side freezes/no lights while the other side has light. Maid 5Holds up sign
“Meanwhile, back at the Desperados with one hand while tied)
RED EYE: David, Ziklag’s been burned to the ground. The whole kit and caboodle is missing,
including the women and children.
WILLIN: Some of the Desperados are talking about having a neck tie party (pantomimes pulling
a noose tight, sticks his tongue out and crosses his eyes) for you for getting us into this
bodacious mess.
DAVID: God will take care of our families. (MAID 5 holds up sign with one hand) He always
has and He always will. Now, quit yer yammering and saddle up. We got us some rescuing to
do.
(Lights off on David, up on the MAIDS and ABIGAIL)
MAID 1: Abigail. Look over yonder! There’s David and his Desperados!
MAID 2: They are fixing to rescue us
ABIGAIL: (sighing) I knew David (MAID 5 holds up sigh sign) my hero would show up.
Hobble your lip so as the Amalekite Gang doesn’t get wind of it.
David and the Desperados pantomime “fighting” their way across the stage. WILLIN trips,
accidently hits RED EYE and ABEL has to hit him with his hat to get him to stop. David unties
Abigail, who throws her arms around him while RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL untie the others.


ABIGAIL: (After being untied, throws her arms around David. MAID 4 holds up “Our hero”
sign) David! My hero!
DAVID: Aw, shucks, ma’am. It ain’t nothing when the Lord is on your side. God takes care of
us. He always has and he always will. (MAID 5 holds up “He always has and He always will”
sign)
RED EYE: Nothing’s missing: young or old, boy or girl. (WILLIN is hunting around for
something)
ABEL: Not a cotton picking picayune thing.
WILLIN: ‘ccepting my hat. (It is on his head. ABEL removes it, hits him upside the head with
it and hands it to him)
MAID 3: (waving a piece of paper) David, a message has just come in. Saul has been killed by
Phyllis Steen’s Gang.
RED EYE: I reckon that makes you the new law ‘round these parts. (RED EYE pins a big Star
of David badge on him. Everyone bows to David who takes his superhero pose, the rest clap and
get quiet although they pantomime congratulating him. MAID 3 comes center stage to deliver
the final line)
MAID 3: David became king and I wish I could say we all lived happily ever after but I can’t.
Miss Abigail took him for better or worse and sometimes it was better and sometimes it was
worse. But David was known as a man after God’s own heart. He wrote a whole passel of
poems. You can find ‘em in the Bible in a book called Psalms.
(Cast moves up with David and Abigail in the center to take a company bow)

PRODUCTION NOTES
Unless specified characters wear typical old west garb. To double as the Amalekite Gang,
characters don red bandanas over their faces like bank robbers. To double as Phyllis Steen’s
Gang, the men put paper crowns on their heads instead of hats and wear signs indicating which
king they are.

Owen Lots: Overalls and an undershirt

Nabal: Black dress attire, black moustache, black hat

Abigail: Calico dress. Apron in second scene. Hair down in scene 1 only.

David: White pants, shirt, vest, etc. White hat. Shiny Star of David badge in last scene.

Phyllis: Black pants, shirt, etc. (have under the calico dress). For a laugh have her carry scissors
in her holsters and at some point pull them out and twirl them like gunslingers did their guns.


Egyptian: Use an Egyptian head covering to indicate nationality.

PROPERTIES: Broom, map, canteen, 4 crowns, signs “Eglon”, “Ekron”, “Ashkelon”, “Gaza”,
bag for ephod, rope, gag for MAID 2

MAID 4 (has “Meanwhile, Back at the ranch”, “Proverbs 23: 29-35”, “Our Hero”, “He always
has and He always will” “Psalm 40” signs)

MAID 5 (has “Boo Hiss!”, “Meanwhile, Back at the Desperados”. “Several Days Later”,
“Proverbs 23: 29-35 “signs)

Online games
The Life of David jumbled words
http://www.quia.com/jw/281636.html
David the Warrior, David the Fugitive
http://www.quia.com/jg/1507643.html
David in the early years battleship
http://www.quia.com/ba/221878.html
David the King
http://www.quia.com/rr/394837.html


Abigail the melodrama script

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Abigail the melodrama script