The document provides examples of concise writing by eliminating wordiness and deadwood from sentences. It discusses avoiding vague nouns, unnecessary adverbs, and redundant phrases like "which" or "that." Examples are given of wordy versus concise revisions of sentences. Common expressions to watch out for that may be considered deadwood are listed. The document also gives tips for punctuation, checking paper details, and following writing guidelines.

3. AGENDA
0Surface Revision: Essay #2
0Discussion: QHQ SBB
0In-class writing: SBB

5. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.

6. Deadwood
Unnecessary phrases that
take up space and add
nothing to meaning.
Examples
0 Wordy: There were many
factors that influenced his
decision to become a teacher.
Hint: omit the filler phrases
"it is," "there is," and "there
are" at the beginning of
sentences; these often delay
the sentence's true subject
and verb.
0 Concise: Many factors
influenced his decision to
become a teacher.

7. 0 Wordy: They played a softball game that
was exhausting.
0 Concise: They played an exhausting
softball game.
0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade
computer systems.
0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is
expensive.

8. Some familiar expressions that are
Deadwood
0 There is/There are
0 I feel
0 I think
0 It seems to me
0 All things considered
0 Without a doubt
0 It is important to note
0 In my opinion
0 The reason why
0 In conclusion

9. Examples of Utility Words to
Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns
0 Thing (something,
anything, everything)
0 Situation
0 Kind
0 Type
0 Aspect
0 Sort
0 Area
Adverbs denoting degree
0 Basically
0 Very
0 Definitely
0 Quite

10. Omit "which" or "that” when
possible.
0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was
brown and poisonous, was dumped into
the river, the company that was
negligent had to shut down.
0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous
fluid was dumped into the river, the
negligent company had to shut down.

11. Punctuation
Using commas and semi-colons

19. Checking the Details

20. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?
0 Does the Header follow the assignment guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in
the appropriate location?
0 Have you italicized book and movie titles and put stories,
articles, and poems in quotation marks.

21. Writing Tips
0 Write about literature in present tense
0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0 Avoid writing in second person.
0 Avoid using contractions.
0 Cut Wordy Sentences
0 Fix run-on sentences
0 Check for misused words
0 Put commas and periods inside quotation marks

22. The Works Cited Page

23. A Work in an Anthology,
Reference, or Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.

24. A Work in a Collection or Anthology
Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original
publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication:
Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of
Publication.
Langston Hughes
“Passing”
The Ways of White Folks
New York
Vintage 1990 1934
No Editor in this case
Pages 51-55
Print
Toni Morrison
“Recitatif”
Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African
American Women
Publisher: Morrow
Edition: 1983
Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina Baraka
Place Published: New York
Pages 243-260
Print

25. Recorded Films or Movies
List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the
release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the
abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium
of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).
Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.
The Human Stain
Directed by Robert Benton
Performers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman,
Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.
Distributor: Miramax
Release Year: 2003
Medium: DVD

26. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example:
Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The
Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai
Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1
(1996): 41-50. Print.

27. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the
Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases
6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Randall Kennedy
“Racial Passing”
Ohio State Law Journal
Volume 62
Issue 1145
2001
1-28
Web
8 Feb. 2013
William Pickens
“Racial Segregation”
Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life
December, 1927
364-367
Web.
8 Feb. 2013

28. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in
Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Hughes, Langston.
Passing (the poem)
Phylon
Vol. 11
Issue 1
(1950)
15
Web

29. QHQ
Stone Butch Blues
Discussion

30. “ I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups
wanted, so they would love me. I followed all their rules, tried my best
to please. But there was something about me that made them knit their
eyebrows and frown. No one ever offered a name for what was wrong
with me. That’s what made me afraid it was really bad. I only came to
recognize its melody through this constant refrain: “Is that a boy or a
girl?”” (Feinberg 13)
0 As Jess was growing up, she knew she was different but she was not
willing to accept it because she did not want to be judged. She tried her
best to fit in like everyone else, but it was difficult. She wants to be what
society wants her to be so she can feel accepted, but she knows there is
something unusual about her, but she is not able to find out what and that
is what makes her scared of who she is.
This stood out to me because it was about Jess trying to fit in no matter
how different she was, but the question always lingered her – “Is that a
boy or a girl?” – and that made her both angry and curious.

31. “The sky was crayon blue. I pretended I was lying on the
white cotton clouds. The earth was damp against my back.
The sun was hot, the breeze was cool. I felt happy. Nature held
me close and seemed to find no fault with me.” (17)
Jess was so lonely in the world because of her difference.
Growing up in the ignorance of parents, Jess desired love and
care like any child would need from its family. This quotes
show readers Jess’ innocent view and feeling for her
surroundings, especially nature and those animals that
accepted her unconditionally. It made me wonder why Jess
could not have a normal life like other children when she did
not have a right to choose her own gender. Would it make
any different if Jess was loved and taken care by her parents?
Would her life be less tragic in the warmth of a family?

32. “For a moment in that mirror I saw the woman I was growing up to be
staring back at me. She looked scared and sad. I wondered if I was brave
enough to grow up and be her.” (21)
0 Jess is home alone after her parents left for works. Jess tries on
her father’s suit and tie. Unexpectedly, her parents come home
early and find out Jess is in male clothing. Afterward, they send
Jess to a mental hospital. This sentence stands out for me because
I think for the very first time, Jess knows who she really is.
Growing up with teases makes it difficult for Jess. Because from
the earliest memories, Jess tells us that she is painfully different
from other girls. She hates wearing dress, and she is happy
wearing her Roy Rogers outfit. Jess feels angry but more curious
about her identity when she faces the question, “Is that a boy or a
girl?” When Jess understands that her identity may make people
to disregard, she feels scared and sad. Moreover, it makes her
wondering about how she is going to grow up.

33. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with
me, I finally begun to agree they were right. Guilt
burned like vomit in my throat.” (Feinberg 23)
This quote stuck out to me a lot because Jess always knew
she was different. She knew everyone else knew she was
different. I think that because of how society was, thinking
that if you were part of the lgbt community, you were
basically wrong and don’t belong. I think because of the way
of thinking back then, it made Jess feel bad for who she was
and people should never feel bad for who they are. I think
this is the point where Jess started feeling ashamed of
herself.

34. “I dropped my gaze and walked back to my seat. Mrs. Noble
squeezed my arm…there was no criticism of me in her eyes.”
(Feinberg 25)
0 This stood out to me because it was hard for me to
integrate into the American society as i was brought up
with Chinese customs. I had a third grade teacher (my first
white teacher) for the first time in elementary. When i
presented about my life at home, i didn’t quite expect my
teacher to understand what i went through as i did my first
and second grade teachers (one was Japanese and the
other Indian). The teacher actually hugged me after my
presentation and told me i was going to be OK. This was
the first time I ever felt the warmth of a teacher caring for
my life. She didn’t judge me, she embraced my life and felt
for me.

35. “Part of the nightmare was that it all seemed so matter of fact. I couldn’t
make it stop, I couldn’t escape it, and so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
I looked at the sky, at how pale and placid it was. I imagined it was the
ocean and the clouds were white-capped waves.” (Feinberg, 41)
0 This passage is being said while she is being raped by her
classmates. I found this passage significant because it is
heartbreaking what those guys did to her. Additionally, that
passage shows how powerless she is in this incident. I
think that a person may have their opinions about others
but to do such a degrading act is extremely inhumane. This
type of event definitely marks a person for life and many
times that person can never fully recover from it. While I
was reading this scene, it reminded me of the French
movie, Irréversible, I saw a couple of years ago. The film is
about two men who want revenge for the rape a girlfriend.
It reminded me of this because both talk about this matter.
Rape is a very sensible topic that is not discussed in
society; so watching and reading about it is very profound.

36. “They cuffed my hands so tight behind my back I almost cried out. Then
the cop unzipped his pants real slow, with a smirk on his face, and
ordered me on my knees. First I thought to myself, I can’t! Then I said
out loud to myself and to you and to him, ‘I won’t’ “ (10)
0 Jess describes a night she had with Theresa. They were alone in a
strange tuff at that night, waiting for their friends, who never showed up.
Then, the cops came in and started targeting at Jess and Theresa for no
reason as usual. However, this time is different, Jess was alone, she did
not have anyone to back her up, or tell her it’s alright. Suddenly, Jess was
so vulnerable and weak, and she knew exactly what was going to happen
to her. She did not fight back because she was cuffed and she knew that
if she fought back, everyone in the bar would be beaten. The thing that
stood out to me the most is Jess’s attitude after the incident. She was not
even mad, and something inside her was changed. She accepted the fact
and lived with it, “ I learned the difference between what I can’t do and
what I refuse to do.” Jess did not tell what happen to her in the cell that
night. But we all know that it was so traumatized that there was nothing
she could do but to accepted it.

37. “I called him later that night and he raced over. “Jack set you up, Jess.”
[…] I had trouble following what Duffy was saying. It wasn’t just that my
mind was hazy with painkillers, I didn’t want to understand.” (92)
This passage stood out to me because nearly all her life, Jess
always looks for a place to belong. She began at the Tifkas
bar in Niagara, to Abbas in the city, and each time she would
have an experience that would shatter that dream of hers to
have a place where she could belong [. . .]
When she find out Jack allegedly sabotaged the machine she
was working on she was in a state of shock, not wanted to
believe that after all her effort making it into the union and
being accepted as one of them, it was once again not the
case. I see Jess’ situation as very tragic, and I think this is the
moment that people around her outside of the butches,
femmes, and drags begin to see it as well.

38. “Deep down, my insides seethed. I knew I was stone, too. It was a home
alarm system that didn’t seem to have an on-off switch. Once installed,
the sirens went off and the gates shut, even if the intruder was loving”
(94)
0 These lines in the book spoke very strongly to me. From them, you
realize just how much psychological damage that Jess has taken from
the repeated gang rapes and the beatings. Any one of the events that
Jess suffered before the age of sixteen would have had a significant
effect on her still developing personality. Just one on these events
could have caused her to shut down all attempts by others to reach
her on a personal level. The fact that Jess, while damaged, still goes
on to form personal attachments, and to form romantic relationships
is a testament to how strong a person she is inside. Jess also has the
examples from the older butches who have suffered through the
same exact types of abuse, to draw on. While the other butches
rarely talk about the abuse they have suffered, the fact that someone
else really does understand what you have been through can be an
enormous help in getting through it yourself. I believe that Jess
recognizing she has scars is what allows her to continue reaching
out to others.

39. “I went to the window and looked out over the mounds of
snow, wishing I could do everything in my life once as
practice and then go back and do it again.”(102)
0 Jess said this after Duffy gave her the present he got for her. This
text in the book stood out to me because she felt guilty leaving
the plant for a different job after everything she fought for there.
She also might have felt proud of the reputation she had
established there. Also, I think she senses a reoccurring theme in
her life. Every time she makes a mistake she always wishes she
could take it back. For example, she didn’t know what to do when
Duffy asked her to step aside and give her promotion to Leroy.
She said she regretted it later and did it because she thought it
was the right thing to do. This specific quotation is indicative that
Jess is uncertain of herself despite what she expresses outward.
The author depicts Jess a certain way but this quote at the same
time reminds us that Jess doesn’t know how to live the life she
has been forced into.

40. “”You know”, Duffy added, “I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. I
know what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.”……..”But when I went to the
hospital with you, I saw how they treated you, how they talked about you,” he
rubbed his face. When he looked back at me, I saw tears in his eyes. “ I felt so
helpless you know? I kept yelling at them that you were a human being that you
mattered, and it was like they weren’t listening to me.”” (Feinberg 93)
0 This post really stood out for me. Why? It was sad; it is
unbelievable how people are so cruel and selfish. Duffy was right,
Jess was a human being like everyone else, but the doctors didn’t
help Jess just because of the appearance. And was a butch. I liked
how Duffy stood up for Jess, it was brave and a show of
friendship towards Jess. Also how he cried while he was saying it
was touching. I believe that everyone deserves the right as
everyone else; we all should have equal rights. This as many
other parts was sad.

41. “ I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember Theresa propping me
up against a brick wall in the precinct parking lot and assessing the
damage with her eyes. she chewed her lower lip and fingered the bloody
places on my shirt. ‘I'll never get these stains out.’ ‘Indirect messages cut
through my fog much more clearly than direct ones.’” (136)
I believe that what Theresa and Jess
understood clearly is the damage of that night
inside them is something they are not going
to forget for the rest of their lives. the small
cuts and the blood is going to be cured in a
week or two but that night left Jess a big scare
inside that is never going to be cured. I like
these lines because deep inside us we can not
explain everything or talk about everything
we have been through sometimes, but still we
can have our beloved make us feel better by
showing us that they understand us and how
we feel without reminding us of what hurts us
and without opening our ugly scars.
These lines stood out to me the
most since i have never
experienced a beating like this.
And the beating was caused
just because she was a lesbian
is shocking. What homosexual
men and women went through
before people were more
accepting is terrible. I am glad
that people have wised up to
this and now this is punishable
under hate crime laws.

42. “I shrugged. ‘I’m twenty-one today and I
feel old’” (140).
0 This quote stood out to me beyond all others because of
some preconceptions I had. I had assumed more time
had passed between her talks of high school and this
birthday party. When she moved onto talking about her
fights in the union and all the time spent in the bar, I
assumed she had skipped forward in her life story a bit
and was in her mid-twenties. Being twenty-two myself,
the fact that she had undergone all of those beatings and
overall stresses of her life before reaching twenty-one
puts the earlier part of the story in perspective for me.

43. “They must have worked it over with a tire iron or a baseball bat. I
wondered how they had shredded the thick rubber wheels. I knew it was
only a motorcycle, but I felt like a ghost looking down at my own
mutilated body on asphalt.” (pg157)
0 This quote stood out to me because there is more meaning
to what really happened. Her safety was on the line. She
makes it know for the reader to understand what would
have happened to her if she didn’t run away. When she
looked at her bike she saw herself on the floor beaten to
death. Reading this peace reminds me of how tuff it would
have been to be her. The men had so much anger they even
tore the wheels to shreds. Just the fact that they did this to
a motorcycle lets you how bad discrimination was back
then. It shows how much we have moved forward in life.

44. “This time I didn’t try to hide my excitement. I was passing.”
(172)
0 This quote stood out to me because I know this feeling. The
feeling of passing is very exciting especially if you are getting
away with it. It’s a feeling that kind of sends a thrill down your
spine. It’s uplifting and gives you hope. Jess goes in the barber
shop, and gets addressed as “Sir,” and gets away with it. The
barber treats Jess like any other male that walks in, and with
respect. He cuts Jess’ hair, and right when she thinks he’s done,
he gets bay rum on his palms and rubs them on her cheeks.
That very moment, she realizes that she is passing. If I was in
Jess’ situation, I wouldn’t even try to hide my excitement either,
and with all the trouble and grief Jess went though, she
deserves some kind of happiness. I’m sure she felt some
happiness at this moment as well. I really like this quote
because it represents a positive turn in her life.

45. In-Class Writing
0 Explore a moment when Jess
intentionally passes. How does
this experience change who ze
is? How do you know?
0 Choose one when ze
unintentionally passes. Does
this affect hir in the same way?
How do you know?

46. HOMEWORK
 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next class
(feel free to submit early) by emailing a copy saved in MS Word to
palmoreessaysubmission@gmail.com. Please save your essay as your
last name and the number 2. Example: Palmore 2
 Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).
 Post #16: Best paragraph from essay #2
 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in
various ways throughout the novel. Explore an
experience Jess has with a medical professional.
Does her gender identity influence the treatment
she receives or doesn’t receive? Or explore a
moment when Jess passes. How does this
experience change who ze is? How do you know?
Include a quotation with your discussion.
 Studying: Terms