1. Functional,
pseudo self Functional,
pseudo self
21 Days to
See Relationships Differently
Day 2
copyright Elloa Atkinson, 2014
www.elloaatkinson.com

2. Solid,
authentic self
Solid,
authentic self
Functional,
pseudo self Functional,
pseudo self
You have
two levels of self
Your solid self is what ACIM describes as who you really are. Creative, loving, astonishing.
Your pseudo self is who you think you have to be, who you learned to be.
You have more or less of each type of self depending on your what you learned in your family of
origin. More solid self = more emotionally mature. Less solid self = more fusion, less mature.

3. Solid,
authentic self
Functional,
pseudo self
The good news is
you are always growing
and that means that you can choose to evolve, to grow your
authentic self and to become more of who you really are.

4. You learned how to relate, be intimate and how to deal with anxiety
in your family of origin
The basic unit of emotional functioning, family systems theory hypothesizes, might not be the
individual but the family. There is no cause and effect. Everything is connected as part of a multi-
generational process

5. The impact of the work you do on yourself will impact you,
and your entire family.
How cool is that?

6. Functional,
pseudo self
By the time a person leaves home, they've developed
a certain amount of authentic self
... AND a certain level of inauthentic,
strategic, controlled, 'pseudo' self
They've learned about how much anxiety
is tolerable before it needs binding or
controlling. More on this later...
They've also learned how much comfort to seek in relationships
(rather than from their authentic self), and have developed reactive
patterns, especially to emotionally intense situations.
Essentially, each of us has learned how much emotional distance is comfortable in
relationships. Our authentic self has grown a certain amount, and we each have a
certain amount of inauthentic, reactive, defensive, controlling self.

7. Functional,
pseudo self
Then, you go out into the big wide world
and you meet a love partner.
Even if it looks like you're much more together than most of your partners, you are at the
comfortable at the same level of emotional distance as each other. In a sacred partnership, you
support yourself and your partner to 1) remove the blocks + defences and 2) grow your authentic
self. Exciting, huh?!
You attract and are attracted
to partners with the same
level of emotional maturity as
you.
Yes. Really. I know. Ouch.

8. Functional,
pseudo self
Some indicators of your level of
emotional maturity
Lower levels (i.e. acting from your defences,
not your authentic self)
Repeat patterns of the past that don't serve
Intense reactions during emotionally intense
times
Poor boundaries
Not knowing who you are
Little ability to choose principled thinking -
feelings take over
Attempt to complete self through others
Believing others are responsible for your
emotional well-being
A feeling of 'needing' others
Not sure where you begin and
others end
Relationships are difficult to navigate
Difficulty with decision making
Struggle to trust yourself
Lots of fear
Classic 'codependency' traits

9. Functional,
pseudo self
Some indicators of your level of
emotional maturity
Higher levels (i.e. acting from your authentic self,
not your defences)
Free from the need to seek acceptance and
approval
Belief in one's own inherent loveability
Committed to living in accordance with one's
own values
In regular contact with your inner guide
Ability to choose how to respond in times of
anxiety
Smoother running relationships
Ability to self-soothe and calm yourself
Anxiety is resolved instead of
bound - less reactivity
Greater sense of self
Less compromising of authentic self
when with others (esp. family)
Awareness of what one is thinking,
feeling, fearing
Less seeking of self in others
Focus in relationships is on self, not
other

10. Functional,
pseudo self
This is how you learn to be a
part-time lover
i.e. not fully present or available
And why, if you keep attracting unavailable people, it is because
they are reflecting to you how much
emotional distance you are comfortable
with.
Do the work in
this area,
either alone or
with your
partner,
and things
will change.
Don't despair!

11. Solid,
authentic self
Solid,
authentic self
Functional,
pseudo self Functional,
pseudo self
Your task is
to grow a self
We are on a journey of removing the blocks to the awareness of love's presence. Each of us has
built up a set of defences, many of which help us function and even appear to be healthy from
the outside. As we remove these blocks, we are faced with the creative task of growing a self.

12. Solid,
authentic self
Functional,
pseudo self Functional,
pseudo self
Day 2
Daily Dare
Today, do at least one
conscious thing for yourself
that you wouldn't normally do,
from a place of solidness +
authenticity.
Some ideas:
- Get into your body - move, dance, do
yoga
- Self-soothe: walk in nature, meditate, take
a hot bubble bath
- Take a risk - look in the mirror and say "I
love you". See what it's like if you mean it.
- Do something creative + new

13. Functional,
pseudo self
Day 2
Kick ass question
How comfortable is your family of origin (the
family you grew up in) with anxiety?
What did you learn in your family about emotional
closeness/ distance?
What is your response to the idea that we attract
partners at the same level of emotional maturity as
us?
Journal, ponder, meditate -
it's up to you (NewYork, New York)