|06|identifying exceptions and RECOGNIZING WINS “We can always choose to perceive things differently. We can focus on what’s wrong in our life, or we can focus on what’s right.” Marianne Williamson RECOGNIZING WINS | 98 Where We Have Been In the previous chapter, you learned the concept of neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to be “plastic” or “changeable” in nature by actually growing new neural pathways when tasked with creating new thinking patterns. You also discovered that you cannot always trust your thoughts as they can get stuck in the habit of delivering faulty information based on self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs. You were also introduced to the concept of cognitive reframing, which highlights your ability to view the same information or experience through a different and more productive frame of reference. And finally, we shared the narrative concept of externalizing problems; the concept invited you to examine whether your self-concept was too closely defined by common problems like procrastination, anxiety, or overwhelm. We further examined what steps to take to start to have a constructive relationship with externalized problems by dialoguing with them as a way of escaping their impact. Where We Are Going In this chapter, we will dive deeply into the concept of finding exceptions to problem-saturated stories. Returning again to Angela, we will use her story as a teaching tool as we bring into focus exactly how the narrative process is engineered to discover these exceptions to problems. Highlighting her process will set the stage for you to highlight your own as you begin inquiring into your own personal narrative in a way that draws on actual evidence from your own life story thus far. In this chapter, you will come to find that you, like us all, have unexamined exceptions to the problem-laden beliefs that may be hard to abandon. Because of this, you will be taught how to explore the creative process of finding exceptions—those times when despite all odds and the many neural pathways that have already been carved so deeply to support the dominance of problems, something exceptional still occurred (Figure 1). Gearing Up » To develop a new relationship to your problem(s), now that you have learned to externalize them » To expand your non-cognitive vernacular (generate more words to convey the Big 7) » To take cognitive reframing to the next level by learning how to find exceptions to your problems (times the problem wasn’t in control) » To understand the neuroscience behind asking the right questions and visualizing yourself as successful in combating the effects of your problem(s) » To see the importance of recognizing wins in your life » To recognize that your wins are not context dependent, but “you” dependent Figure 1. Exceptions can be found anywhere, even in something as simple as paying a bill on time rather than letting the problem of procrastination t.

1. |06|identifying exceptions and
RECOGNIZING WINS
“We can always choose to
perceive things differently.
We can focus on what’s
wrong in our life, or we can
focus on what’s right.”
Marianne Williamson
RECOGNIZING WINS | 98
Where We Have Been
In the previous chapter, you learned the concept of
neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to be “plastic” or
“changeable”
in nature by actually growing new neural pathways when tasked
with creating new thinking patterns. You also
discovered that you cannot always trust your thoughts as they
can get stuck in the habit of delivering faulty
information based on self-limiting and self-sabotaging beliefs.
You were also introduced to the concept of cognitive
reframing, which highlights your ability to view the same
information or experience through a different and more
productive frame of reference. And finally, we shared the
narrative concept of externalizing problems; the concept
invited you to examine whether your self-concept was too
closely defined by common problems like procrastination,

2. anxiety, or overwhelm. We further examined what steps to take
to start to have a constructive relationship with
externalized problems by dialoguing with them as a way of
escaping their impact.
Where We Are Going
In this chapter, we will dive deeply into the concept of finding
exceptions to problem-saturated stories. Returning
again to Angela, we will use her story as a teaching tool as we
bring into focus exactly how the narrative process is
engineered to discover these exceptions to problems.
Highlighting her process will set the stage for you to highlight
your own as you begin inquiring into your own personal
narrative in a way that draws on actual evidence from your
own life story thus far.
In this chapter, you will come to find that you, like us all, have
unexamined exceptions to the problem-laden beliefs
that may be hard to abandon. Because of this, you will be taught
how to explore the creative process of finding
exceptions—those times when despite all odds and the many
neural pathways that have already been carved so
deeply to support the dominance of problems, something
exceptional still occurred (Figure 1).
Gearing Up
» To develop a new relationship to your problem(s), now that
you have learned to
externalize them
» To expand your non-cognitive vernacular (generate more
words to convey the Big 7)
» To take cognitive reframing to the next level by learning how
to find exceptions to your

3. problems (times the problem wasn’t in control)
» To understand the neuroscience behind asking the right
questions and visualizing
yourself as successful in combating the effects of your
problem(s)
» To see the importance of recognizing wins in your life
» To recognize that your wins are not context dependent, but
“you” dependent
Figure 1. Exceptions can be found
anywhere, even in something as
simple as paying a bill on time
rather than letting the problem of
procrastination take over.
Exceptions
those times when a problem could
have taken control but did not
RECOGNIZING WINS | 99
In this chapter, we will be investigating those mighty
exceptions because they serve as the entryway into updating a
new and more life-giving narrative. In Chapter 5, you played
with identifying the problem or problems that most often
attempt to commandeer your story. In this chapter, you will be
keeping these problems in mind as you are led through
a process of finding exceptions and recognizing wins.

4. Discovering Your Hidden Qualities
In narrative coaching, finding exceptions to problems is about
finding the overlooked instances that contradict the
unwanted, problem-dominated narrative. They avail themselves
to you as the inroad for revising your story and then
living in greater accordance to the more desired and alternate
narrative. To be clear, they do not represent lies, or the
stretching of truth, but are instead hidden aspects of who you
are that weren’t given credence because they didn’t fit
within the overriding story.
As we lead you through this process, you will essentially be
trained to pay attention to yourself in a different way. You
will tune your mind and your heart into the moments and
episodes of hope, strength, optimism, and humor that can
all too easily be drowned out by the often louder and more
demanding problem-saturated narrative. It is when you
discover qualities like hope, strength, optimism, and humor that
you can see how they can influence your capacity to
develop the Big 7 non-cogs even further.
“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.”
Keanu Reeves
Angela’s Hidden Qualities
Take a moment to re-read Angela’s unexamined personal
narrative in Chapter 3. As you do, attempt to notice
the places where qualities are hiding. Where do you find
exceptions to the problem-saturated story in her
unexamined personal narrative?
Following is a list of the most obvious exceptions to her

5. problem-saturated story. As you can see, each exception
is an example of at least one non-cognitive competency.
» She enjoyed learning = growth mindset, emotional
intelligence
» She did well in high school = perseverance, self-control
» Her teacher noticed her interest in the subject = growth
mindset
» She was open to exploring going to college, even though she
would be the first in her family, and among
the first in her community to do so = confidence
RECOGNIZING WINS | 100
» She navigated the rigors of the college application process =
perseverance, self-control
» She had positive relationships: her teacher, her high school
counselor, her friends, and her sister = emotional
intelligence
» She cares about other people = emotional intelligence
» She has empathy for other people = emotional intelligence
» She is a reliable and emotionally available friend. =
emotional intelligence
» She went to class every day, despite struggling =
perseverance, self-control, resilience

6. » She has a history of asking for help when she struggled
academically = self-advocacy, growth mindset,
resilience, perseverance, self-control
» She makes new friends, forms connections, and shares that
she is struggling = emotional intelligence,
confidence, growth mindset
» She shows initiative by proposing her and her friend seek
tutoring = self-advocacy, resilience, perseverance
» She helps her new friend academically = confidence,
emotional intelligence
That’s a lot, right? Which ones did you miss? Did you discover
any that did not show up on this list? These exceptions
are like hidden gems that can easily go undetected. But they
matter and you are about to see why.
Finding exceptions to the problems in your story can seem like
an impossible task, especially when the problem
seems to always be there. Narrative coaching conversations can
help create a mindset that aids in identifying the
exceptions. Before we jump into the narrative coaching
conversation, though, there are a few things to think about
and keep in mind as you engage in narrative conversations.
“The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existence.”
Albert Einstein
The Role of Curiosity
As we’ve learned throughout the book, there are many ways in
which a student’s story can become problem
saturated:

7. » Feeling scared and overwhelmed
» Feeling anxious, homesick, and out of place
» Feeling guilty about leaving family behind
» Feeling selfish for not being at home to help out
» Having thoughts that friends are moving on
» Feeling confused and struggling in a class
» Feeling uncomfortable asking for help in a new environment
» Feeling alone and discouraged
» Having thoughts of dropping out
RECOGNIZING WINS | 101
As you think about problem-saturated stories, get curious. Get
curious about where and how, despite the influence
of the problems, you would still be able to demonstrate positive
qualities. These qualities may reflect the Big 7 non-
cogs, and so much more. However, some may only hint at being
related to the non-cogs, and without pausing and
drawing them out, they could easily be lost or overlooked. But
they are always present and represent a path forward.
The opportunity lies in discovering those hidden positive
qualities that may only seem like a whisper, and heighten
them to characteristics that, when needed, are capable of
becoming a roar.
In order to benefit from narrative coaching, you must

8. immediately commit to curiosity. For those of you who enjoy
and are well versed in looking inward, this is no heavy lift. But
for those of you who have not had as much practice
doing this, it can understandably feel both difficult and
uncomfortable. As a reminder, it is only when we step out of
our comfort zones that we reap the benefit of growth. What this
means is that we have the option of either choosing
temporary discomfort in the form of engaging in a new coaching
exercise, or we choose long-term discomfort by
avoiding the depth of the exercise and remain steeped in the
long standing discomfort (Figure 2). This last sentence
is in no way meant to be harsh. But, the benefit of this process
only occurs when you commit to it—short-term
discomfort and all.
Figure 2. We choose between the
temporary discomfort of a new
coaching exercise, or the long-term
discomfort from avoiding the exercise.
If you are less experienced in answering the open-ended
personal questions required for narrative coaching, staying
curious may actually equate to staying patient—both with the
process and yourself. It’s important to accept that you
may not have an answer to some of the questions. That is
perfectly okay and sometimes an important part of the
process. Sometimes, just staying present with the questions is
work enough. In other words, if you find that some
questions leave you merely scratching your head, don’t sweat it.
Allow yourself and the question to quietly co-exist as
you move through your day. Insights can arrive in minutes,
hours, days, or even weeks. The power lies in embracing
the question. Many a time when we try hard to find an answer
we are shooting ourselves in the foot (metaphorically

9. speaking, of course). It is when we allow our minds to be less
focused—like when we are showering, taking a walk,
doodling, or daydreaming—that personal insight or lightbulb
moments often seem to emerge (Figure 3).
Figure 3. We often gain personal
insight when we allow ourselves to be
unfocused.
RECOGNIZING WINS | 102
Tinker, Dabble, Doodle
In Tinker Dabble Doodle Try, author Dr. Srini Pillay reveals
how letting your mind wander can trigger new insight,
reveal solutions, and create inspiration.1
» Tinkering with ideas and with things releases your mind to
wander from a state of stuckness into a possibility
frame of mind, triggering neural connections and new insights.
» Dabbling in a new endeavor—whether a hobby or fantasy—
disrupts your habitual and reactive thinking,
helping you find new solutions to old problems.
» Doodling can help you tap into another brain frequency to
remove obstacles and create opportunities and
inspiration.
The Issue of Bragging
Because you will most likely not be working one on one with a
narrative coach, the issue of bragging may not be
as relevant, as you will not be asked to “brag on yourself” in
front of another person. All the same, though, some

10. people may still find the process of inquiring into their
strengths a less than comfortable endeavor. For this reason, it
is important to understand why this type of inquiry matters.
The narrative inquiry has nothing to do with creating a hallmark
moment for yourself. It is not about luxuriating in
a moment of self-flattery. That’s not what narrative coaching is.
The purpose of finding positive aspects of yourself
while caught in the grips of a problem-saturated story is aimed
at offering you a way out (Figure 4). As you will learn,
creating a list of adjectives to define who you are in moments
that are not problem saturated arms you with the ability
to fight back against the influence of the problem.
Figure 4. Knowing your qualities is
not about bragging—it’s about arming
yourself with the tools you need to
face problems.
https://drsrinipillay.com/resource/tinker-dabble-doodle-try/
RECOGNIZING WINS | 103
Think of it this way: If you were about to go into battle with a
wily and well-trained enemy, can you imagine denying
yourself the training, the tools, the armor, or even the weapons
necessary to defend yourself? We know that sounds
aggressive, but that is just one analogy. Some people like the
metaphor of weaponizing their strengths against the
effects of the problem. For others, however, this does not work
for them. Other people find that managing their
problems comes a lot more naturally for them when they can
offer compassion to the intention of the problem. For
example, in the case that self-doubt is the problem, highlighting

11. the fact that although self-doubt feels like a jerk, it’s
original intention is really to keep you vigilant and safe against
any threat a new environment may present. Showing
compassion toward the problem can be a powerful tool in letting
it go.
What’s most important is that you find what works for you in
your relationship to your externalized problems. What we
find is that it all depends on the specific problem. Sometimes,
when dealing with problems like test anxiety, people
feel empowered when they immerse themselves in the battle
metaphor as they turn on their favorite personal fight
anthem and get themselves completely pumped-up, leaving little
brain space for fear. While for other problems, like
social anxiety, they might find that being more compassionate
to it by gently nudging it away while acknowledging its
intention to protect feels more conducive to moving past it.
The critical point is that it’s not about bragging, it is about
gathering your internal resources to grapple with the
problem in a way that keeps you moving forward in spite of it.
Memory, Imagination, and Emotion
Later, as you read through the questions that are part of a
coaching conversation, you will notice that many require
you to access your memory or use your imagination—or both.
Many people can easily access their memory to find
exceptions to problem-saturated stories or times when they were
able to at least minimize a problem that had been
particularly sticky for them. When they are easily able to see
themselves in those past moments, these memories are
likely to produce positive emotions for them. Other people have
a harder time, however; they either can’t think of a
time, or if they do remember a time when the problem did not
take over, they downplay the importance of the memory.

12. It is for this reason that you will encounter narrative questions
that ask you to activate your memory, but from a
different vantage point. If you, like others, are caught in the
habit of downplaying your strengths or the importance
of an exception to your problem-saturated story, then gaining
some objectively can help you to see it for what it is: a
pivotal moment that needs leveraging.
Here’s what we mean: Even when we are able to identify the
hint of a strength or exception to our problem saturated
story, we are often unable to see it for what it is. It’s like we’re
too close to it. Instead, we say things like, “It’s really not
that big a deal,” or, “Anybody could have done that.” When this
happens, a narrative coach would seek to help you
find distance and perspective, so that you could actually begin
to own the strength. They would seek to support you
in gaining a measure of objectivity to see it for what it is and
why it matters in shifting your narrative. The coach would
go about encouraging this kind of objective observation of
yourself in two important ways:
» The coach would ask you to imagine viewing yourself as if
from the outside, as though you were watching
yourself in a movie. This level of distance can support you in
taking ownership of the strength.
» The coach would ask you to imagine someone else who has a
similar problem-saturated story to yours who also
engaged in the behavior that you did that outsmarted the
problem. Sometimes it is easier to recognize when
someone else overcomes a problem than when you do it
yourself.
In both those exercises, you are gaining a healthy distance with
which to more objectively acknowledge the
exception to the problem, as well as activating your imagination

13. to do so. Once you have become more objective in
appreciation of whatever behavior served as the exception, you
then can more easily own and honor what you have
done, and place yourself back into the moment and memory,
with more emotionally positive regard for yourself.
Furthermore, you are then more prepared to imagine yourself in
other future situations that might be personally
challenging, once again outsmarting the problem. The more you
can imagine yourself outmaneuvering the problem in
any number of situations (just like you did in the memory), the
more prepared you will be to do just this (Figure 5).
Why does this matter? Well, what several studies show is that
the brain cannot differentiate between a memory
and imagination. What this means is that if you can imagine
something in great detail and connect it with positive
emotion, your brain will actually experience the imagined
experience as real.2 It simply does not know the difference.
And, when we experience positive emotions, we pull ourselves
away from our brain’s stress circuits while proactively
preparing ourselves to be more capable in any number of
situations.
RECOGNIZING WINS | 104
Figure 6. Faulty thinking can become
embedded in deeply carved neuro-
pathways that follow the same
pathways over and over again.
This is good and here’s why: When your brain is stuck in a
negative thinking pattern provided by the influence of a

14. problem, it’s not because the problem is revealing any level of
truth. Instead, our thoughts, especially the negative
thought patterns that seem to cycle repeatedly in our minds, are
beholden not to truth but to habit. For many of
us, these faulty thinking habits have become embedded in
deeply carved neuro-pathways that, like the metal ball
ricocheting in a pin-ball machine, traverse the same pathways
over and over again, shaping how we see ourselves
and what’s possible for our lives (Figure 6). The key to
breaking these thinking habits is to introduce either memory or
active imagination in a way that provokes more positive
emotions, which reduces stress and increases our confidence
to move out of our comfort zones. Either memory or
imagination will do as the brain is happy to shift a neural
pathway
when it is activated—also, both memory and imagination
activate the same region of the brain. The good news is that
narrative questions, like finding exceptions to problem-
saturated stories, activate your memory, your imagination, and,
more importantly, your emotions.
Figure 5. Imagining yourself
overcoming a problem will prepare you
to overcome the problem in real life.
Moreover, in honoring this brain characteristic, we can leverage
imagination to help us manage many of our problems.
Problems often originate from a desire to help us emotionally
self-regulate by avoiding uncomfortable or painful
feelings—even things like procrastination or fear. Anytime you
face a novel situation that is unknown and makes you
feel vulnerable, it will be important to remember that
connecting to either a memory or a visualization that provides
positive emotions creates alternative neural pathways in the
brain, eliminating the need for self-doubt to step in.

15. It’s kind of like fooling your brain into believing you have
either experienced the positive outcome previously and
everything is cool, or simply remembering that indeed in some
cases you have!
RECOGNIZING WINS | 105
Transformation Is “You” Dependent, Not Context Dependent
A common misunderstanding of narrative coaching happens
when someone believes that the reason for previously
not succumbing to the domineering effects of a particular
problem was because of either the situation they were in,
or the people they were with. When we hold this context
dependent perspective, what we are really believing is that
we can only demonstrative attributes like courage and self-
discipline when the environment is perfectly safe to do so.
This belief then holds that those traits can only be developed
and expressed in very specific circumstances.
This is a very disempowered belief and really sets you up for
hitting continual roadblocks. Let’s look at the example
of shyness to examine this further. If someone believed that he
or she can be outgoing only when they’re around
a particular friend, or only when they’re in a particular setting,
they are failing to recognize that the strengths of
courage, confidence, or vulnerability to combat shyness resides
within them, not outside of them (Figure 7).
Figure 7. Believing you can only be
outgoing in a specific context limits
your ability to recognize strengths
within yourself.

16. This belief system contradicts the understanding of a growth
mindset. Although a shy person may feel more
comfortable being talkative and outgoing around a particular
person or in a particular setting, it does not mean that
they cannot take steps to practice courage by extending that part
of their personality with new people and in new
environments. Of course it won’t always be easy, and certainly
it won’t always be comfortable. They will mess up or
falter from time to time, but with ongoing practice, they will
improve.
Context Dependent
believing that we can only
demonstrate certain positive
attributes in specific circumstances
Raising Awareness to Recognize Wins
What if you can’t think of a time when you’ve demonstrated an
exception to the problem, or you don’t currently have
anyone in your life that sees and knows the best in you? This
comes up a lot, so if this happens to you, know that you
are not alone.
It’s very common for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the
narrative questions initiate a process of personal
reflection that is totally foreign to most. You can be so out of
the practice of noticing yourself when you are at your
best that you simply have no memory to draw upon. This is
especially true when problems like anxiety or depression
have taken up residence in your life. Both depression and
anxiety are experts at attempting to limit our ability to see
and experience ourselves through the lens of positive self-
regard. They are too committed to limiting our joy and self-
esteem to let that level of light or truth in. But, it does not mean

17. that light and truth do not exist. It’s just that they are
currently hard to see.
RECOGNIZING WINS | 106
This goes back to staying curious. The mere act of letting in the
question sometimes is enough of a starting place.
When you notice the thoughts in your head piping in to judge
and berate the narrative question or the process,
it is most likely the attempt of the problem to continue to be in
the driver’s seat. So, if and when this happens,
it represents your opportunity to talk back to it! It is in the act
of recognizing and talking back to problems like
depression and anxiety that you are, in fact, embodying an
exception to a problem-saturated story. Here’s the thing:
problems like to take-over and they want to monopolize our
thinking. So, if in response to a narrative question (that
prompts you to take inventory of your strengths) you find your
self-talk making fun of the question, or feeling awkward
about it, then most likely it is the problem trying to maintain its
dominant role. The mere act of you noticing its
attempt is a win for you.
What we are talking about here is raising your awareness so that
you can recognize wins. Much like you learned about
confirmation bias and cognitive reframing, the more you
practice this level of awareness, the more you will experience
things differently because you’ll think about things differently.
Your lens has expanded and your frame has shifted
(Figure 8).
Figure 8. As you learn to be aware of
dominating feelings and are able to
recognize wins, your lens will expand

18. and your cognitive frame will shift.
With this expansion and shift, if you are having a hard time
finding past examples of being able to escape the tyranny
of your problems, or even experiencing the problem to a lesser
degree, instead of looking backward for them, start to
stay present to them. What this means is to start to notice the
small wins from here on (even the really small wins).
For example, If your most dominant problem is procrastination,
notice as you move through your days when you
» Pay a bill before it is considered late.
» Hand in homework on time.
» Call or text a friend back.
» Get to class on time.
» Get to work on time.
Or, if your most dominant problem is shyness, notice as you
move through your days when you
» Say hello to the woman at the check-out counter before she
says hello to you.
» Raise your hand in class.
» Ask the food server for your dressing on the side.
» Correct a stranger who mispronounces your name.
What we are talking about in both examples is being present and

19. mindful enough to stay engaged in the practice of
narrative coaching, while your behavior is dynamically
occurring in real time. It’s not just about looking backward for
evidence of exceptions to the problem; it’s about becoming
present to who you are in the moment, with intention and
choice.
RECOGNIZING WINS | 107
Additionally, if like many you struggle to think of people in
your life who really get you and see you at your best, then
by all means, let it go. This is a moment to embrace a growth
mindset. You are simply not able to think of anyone yet
(Figure 9). Do not despair; this often has less to do with you
and more to do with either the context of your life thus
far, or the effects of the problems in your life thus far. Rest
assured, as you practice this process you are getting closer
every day to creating a life that will invite the types of
relationships and the types of connections that will more deeply
sustain you and provide this level of positive mirroring.
Figure 9. If you struggle to think of
people in your life who are close to
you, know that you simply can’t think
of anyone yet.
Expanding Your Non-Cognitive Vernacular
Not every non-cog is an exact and perfect fit for exceptions you
find in a personal narrative, nor does only one non-
cog apply to each exception, but rather the behavior can
represent many. Much like there is nuance to feelings and
emotions, and you can often use multiple words to describe an
experience, feeling, or attitude, the same applies

20. when identifying non-cognitive competencies to one’s character
or behavior.
We selected the Big 7 for this course because they powerfully
embody the characteristics and behaviors that are
pivotal to success, both in college and in life. But, they
certainly are not exhaustive and they absolutely do not
represent a stopping place. Furthermore, they may not even be
words you relate to personally or that would feel
comfortable slipping off your tongue, given your own
vocabulary and style of speech. We are less concerned about
you using the “right” word and more interested in you noticing
the strength and finding language that speaks to who
you are and what you feel you’re demonstrating when you
exemplify a non-cog, or many non-cogs.
For these reasons, let’s expand your non-cog vernacular, much
like you focused on developing your emotional
vernacular in Chapter 4. Here are some that we have come up
with:
courage, determination, morale, daring,
boldness, grit, heart, spunk, fortitude, positivity,
scrappiness, conviction, tenacity, self-respect,
nerve, openness to being vulnerable
flexibility, versatility, can-do, capable, tenacious,
hearty, tough, rolls with the punches, endurance,
stamina, self-sufficient, scrappiness
speaking up, self-help, self-defense, protest,
defending of rights, proactive, confidence,
having a voice, saying what you think, clarity,

21. assertiveness
empathy, soft skills, social intelligence, emotional quotient,
communication
skills, emotional awareness, emotional regulation, good
boundaries, curious,
motivated, great listener, emotionally attuned to others, self-
aware
stubbornness, persistence, guts, stick with
it, staying power, determination, doggedness,
devotion, never give up, staying the course
restraint, discipline, self-regulation, focus,
patience, will power, impulse control,
unflappable, determination
embracing “yet”, collaboration, participation,
openness to feedback, courage, strategy,
honoring mistakes, curiosity
RECOGNIZING WINS | 108
Non-Cog Vernacular for Angela’s Exceptions
Let’s revisit Angela’s list of non-cogs and replace them with …