Introducing a method to put kids that struggle on a good learning trajectory for their social skills.

1. 1
Positive circles
Introducing the flow model – an approach to put (back) kids
on a positive learning trajectory

2. 2
Introduction
The model explained
Approaches, tools & techniques

3. 3
Introduction
The model explained
Approaches, tools & techniques

4. 4
Intro & disclaimer
• Some kids struggles to cope. Too often, they fail to obey. They display hostile behaviors. The scream, insult, kick. The
classic reaction ? Fight back. Punish. Threaten.
• Despite years of punishing & rewards, hostile reactions to hostile behaviors, more rules & less rules, many parents &
schools still find it hard to address – maybe the situations worsens. Degraded self-esteem, difficult relationships at
school & with siblings, challenging times in holidays.
• Yet, in the field of neurosciences some voices had emerged that made sense, as they capitalized on a better
understanding of our brain, which emerged in the last decades but is not sufficiently taught. And it remained difficult to
apply for us, even less at school.
• The whole idea behind it is that if kids don’t do well, it’s because they can’t (in a given situation for given expectations).
Working on their ‘will’ is useless, and even counterproductive. Our recently improved understanding on how brain
evolves & work is now giving approaches and tools to help kids that struggle while others seems to have no issues.
• Well, this is the job of all adults surrounding kids: help them, even & especially when it’s tough. To treat their challenges
in managing their stress, their emotions, their opposition against our expectations, our opposition against their demands
and expectations with a different lens. This is call ‘non adversarial techniques’ in which the sole and exclusive focus is
put on helping kids to improve, not dominate them more when they seem not to ‘understand’ they need to behave better.
They do understand, it’s just that they don’t have the know-how or can’t apply it when needed.
• There was no ‘all-encompassing’ framework so I did this. I am not a professional in the field but as a trained consultant it
is part my daily job to take input from experts, restructure it as needed & communicate it the best possible way. This is
simply an attempt to put together various things I read and make it easy to access for anyone with kids that struggle on
those areas too. This is not endorsed by scientific research but inspired by it. Use it as you see fit, discard if you don’t.
Send feedback if you care.

5. 5
The bigger picture
• Our whole education approach & system is outdated
We have been living in a system & approach invented by the military and religion centuries ago, then revisited
by the industry in a post-war context, aimed at producing armies of obedient people and an ‘intellectual elite’.
As parents we carry a parental tradition based on tough ‘sink or swim’ or ‘let go’ that was mostly soul-
searching. But today the world needs to produce adults that constantly adapt their skills & knowledge, are
much more empathetic with others, the next generations, and our ecosystem, and invent unique ways to
address those challenges. The world is moving from hierarchies to networks, from top down to bottom up.
Let’s shake things up.
• We face now the biggest transition challenge
Our relationships with our kids now needs to move from dominating to collaborating, from fear-based to trust-
based, from pressuring down to pulling up . It is a huge challenge to move away from centuries of habits.
Obviously, some parents and schools have figured it out, but a lot of progress is still needed. Our kids, living in
‘high stimuli’ environments full of screens, processed food, and high expectations, are on the contrary showing
increasing signs of distress. We face an epidemic of ‘mental sickness’ that is simply a sign of a growing
incompatibility between the temptations, demands & expectations of this world and their capabilities.
• It requires to shift our attitude
Mammals since millions of years have been learning by trust, play, and copy. No score, no suspension, no
carrots nor sticks, no patronizing. While demands & context for our kids have changed hugely, our basic
learning mechanisms are still fundamentally the same. We must challenge our rules and attitudes and
(re)invent new ones, based on empathetic approach, positive & fun collaboration, and an appreciation that
everyone is unique.
• It does not require to lower our expectations, but to change them,
especially on ourselves
Being more considerate of everyone’s drive to learn, capacity and skills, will allow children to learn faster and
better, to limit disruptions, to increase their self-awareness, self-confidence, & other skills. Based on those
foundations they will develop their executive skills faster & better and, simply, be better persons. And us too.

6. 6
Principles – a manifesto for our kids
Kids do well if they can
Kids are naturally motivated to do well. When they don’t, it is because the specifics of the situation, the context
or their intrinsic skills prevent them to do so. Kids are naturally motivated to do their best, but they will not
always be in a state to do it, nor is ‘their best’ simply what adults want. Working with them to find out their
concerns & needs, root causes for issues & address them so that kids can learn to put themselves in a state
of learning & progressing is the only effective approach.
Adults should help & teach, not judge
Adults that surrounds kids (teachers, parents,…) are there to help. Children with challenging behaviours and
social difficulties deserve to be treated like kids who struggle with maths or reading: by understanding their
challenges, and taking appropriate measures to help them. Threatening, punishing, isolating does not help
them but rather make the problem worse, by fostering a negative circle fed by anger, resentment, social
isolation, and decreased self-confidence. On the contrary, all adults need to build a ‘positive circle’ around kids
so that themselves move into positive, virtuous circles.
Focus on empathy, collaboration & transformation
Everyone should focus on empathy as the heart of any change. Problems are transient & behavioural issues
only the symptoms of underlying difficulties. Lagging skills, weak foundations, too strong or inconsistent,
unclear demands and expectations, as well as context are what need to be identified and addressed. If we
cannot really put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, especially the child’s ones, we will not understand the
fundamental issues and won’t help. Kids can show empathy and improve it too. As such, collaborating with
kids is crucial, to adjust our expectations and let them improve their skills.
It’s not for specialists, everyone can do it
While some items sound like they need special skills, or lots of time, most of the idea is to understand, build
awareness, take appropriate measures, then assess, learn & adjust. This is not rocket science: it can be
learned, hence it can be taught. It takes no more than common sense to grasp the concept, and of course
enough practice to master them. The best part ? The invested time pays back a million times: in time saved, in
personal satisfaction. Because seeing a kid growing thanks to your actions is one of the best reward one
could ever seek.

7. 7
Introduction
The model explained
Approaches, tools & techniques

8. 8
An introduction on the flow model
Learning
trajectory
of skills &
attitudes
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal
context
Personal
Demands
Surrounding
context
External
Demands/
Expectations
:
Foundations
Social skills improve in social
situations
While other skills can certainly be taught through exercises,
social skills are like learning to drive or play tennis: they can
mostly be learned in situations, which can be normal,
challenging or difficult, real or simulated. In addition, social
skills can evolve both ways: they can improve or get worse.
Hence, it is key is to understand how
specific situations can be the source of
issues, or sources of improvements
The whole idea of the flow model is to understand mismatches
& incompatibilities between the personal context of the child,
his/her demands, his foundations (self-confidence,…), and the
context, demands & expectations that are placed on him/her.
The problem is never just ‘the child’, but the combination of
specifics on those that are creating a problem.
Since social dynamics are rarely stable, the whole point is to stimulate
& create positive experiences & stop/decrease the negative ones
As we identify negative & positive situations & where they originate, we can move to decrease the ‘negative’
circles & create more or re-enforce the positive situations in which the child will succeed. The flow model show
5 main areas of work: how to improve the personal context of the child, the personal demand (s)he is putting
on him/her self, his foundations like his self-control/regulation or self-confidence, the role of the surrounding
context (after school, during,..), and the demands that are put on him/her, which may simply not be compatible
with his ability to cope with them, in that situation.

9. 9
The flow model
Learning
trajectory of
skills &
attitudes in
situations
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level
o Biological
o Emotional
• Tension level
• Arousal state
Personal Demands:
• Impulses
• Wishes/Aspirations/
Day dreaming
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context
• Large change
• Stressors
External
Demands/Expectations:
• Situational
• Age-group based
• Peers/siblings
• Other
Foundations :
• Physical health
• Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Self-confidence / esteem
• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation skills
• Self-control skills
• Sensitivity
The way a child (or
anyone) manages
him/herself in a given
situation depends on
all those factors.

10. 10
The flow model – negative circles (example)
A ‘failure /
pressure’
negative circle of
non improving
lagging skills &
attitudes and
degrading
foundations
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Often Low energy
• Fast raising tension
• Permanent high
arousal
Personal Demands:
• Strong impulses
• Fears becoming
anxiety
• Hostile reactions
feeding anger
Surrounding context:
• Damaged
relationships
• Other themselves low
energy/high tension:
hostile, punishment,
isolation, threats
External Demands persist
& given with less
patience, more
resentment as not met
before despite some
rewards/punishments
Foundations :
• Poorer health
• Damaged relationship with ‘main
loving figures’
• Decreasing self-confidence
• No gain of self-awareness
• No gain of self-regulation skills
• No gain in Self-control skills
• Ever Higher sensitivity
In a negative circle, hostile
actions /reactions lead into
further hostility, damaging
foundations (eg., self
confidence), which further
exacerbates anxiety, anger,
which results in more failure to
meet expectations

11. 11
POSITIVE CIRCLE
The flow model – positive circle
Constantly
adjusting, positive
& empathetic
approach leading
to improved skills
applied in many
situations
Personal context:
• Energy / Tension
levels are managed
proactively
Personal Demands are
managed a healthy
manner & approaches to
manage/reduce them are
learned
Surrounding context:
• More empathetic
relationships
• Helpers act in a non-
hostile, caring way,
whatever the situation
(Plan B)
External Demands &
expectations are
constantly adjusted
to the skills, personal
context of the child
Foundations :
• Health is ok
• Solid relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Improving self-confidence
• Improving self-awareness
• Improving Self-regulation skills
• Better Self-control skills
• Managed sensitivity
In a positive circle, collaborative
approach & coaching on key
skills with positive re-
enforcement lead to a positive
virtuous circle of improvement

12. 12
An analogy: the car
Improving driving
skills
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Car/driver context:
• Battery level
• Gas level
• Engine
temperature
• Driver energy
Demands of car/driver:
• Maintenance
• Tire pressure
• Urge to get to
destination
• …
Surrounding context:
• Weather conditions
• Behavior of
passengers & other
users of the road
• Difficult road
External
Expectations:
• Long route to
destination
• Deadlines
Foundations :
• Quality/build of car
• Experience driving
• Knowledge of capacity/limit of the
car
• Ability to stay calm & focused
while driving
Learning to manage oneself is like
learning to drive: you can do well in
some situations but be terrible in
others… and you will learn more as
self-confidence & positive experiences
pile up, but not if the driving teacher
puts pressure on you, or threatens or
give you rewards, right ? Use this
analogy with kids or ‘helpers’ to raise
their awareness!

13. 13
The flow model: simplified brain model
Source: http://bookofthrees.com/triune-brain/
In any given situation, one ‘brain’ between the ‘neocortex’ and the ‘limbic brain’ will be ‘dominant’. That does
not mean the other brains will completely shut down, but it will be more ‘forceful’ to lead the behaviors. Which
brain takes precedence depends on all the factors depicted in the flow model. This is how kids & everyone
can picture it: a fight for dominance between two areas of the brain. And when the limbic brain dominates,
judgement of logic & consequences is altered, leading to behavior that people are likely to regret.
The ‘brain stem’ will take care of basic safety, digestion, breathing (etc.).
The place for logical reasoning,
identifying & executing
planned orders, etc.
The place reacting in face of a
perceived threat, or other
emotional/stressful events (incl.
the amygdala, key for anger /
fight/flight reactions)
The place that
manage our
basic functioning
like staying alive,
digesting,
breathing, etc.

14. 14
The flow model: arousal state
Source: Self-reg, analysis
Arousal state reflect the current level of ‘flow’ of that part of the brain. They could be mixed: eg. Someone
highly emotional but on a normal arousal on the Neocortex. They generally move closely together in
general, so typically summarized as ‘overall arousal’ vs arousal of each part. However, it is important to
understand the ‘normal’ tension of some kids might be chronically high in one of those areas (e.g. gifted kids
on neocortex, sensitive kids on limbic, etc.)
Hypo-
aroused
Calm
Hyper-
aroused
• Highly concentrated – internal voice
highly active & in state of flux
• Hard to calm down, fall asleep
• Calm & attentive. Concentrated &
focused, for daily work, activities
• Normal level to perform
• Limited voice, activity
• Lowest tension close to sleep or
mindful, great for recovery
Neocortex (logical, reasoning,…) Limbic (emotions, feeling,…)
• Highly emotional – could explode in
anger, tears,…
• Hard to calm down, ‘Danger zone’ to
exhaust tension
• Can receive emotion normally
(compared to usual for age/peers)
• Normal level to get & act upon
emotion
• Little receptivity to emotions /
passivity
• Lowest tension, might be too low and
perceived as insensitive

15. 15
The tension level: personal demands – impulses & tension
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
• Impulse to play / win
• Social impulses (e.g., make friends)
• Impulse to dominate (e.g., teasing, provoke, fight)
• Impulse to get food/drink
• Impulse to follow daydreaming / internal voice
• Impulse to get physical movement
• Impulse to release tension
• Impulse to get emotional energy (from loving
figures)
• Impulse to get rest
• Impulse to get safe
• Impulse to flight/fight/freeze (due to fear/tension
of present situation)
• Impulse to stay put (due to fear of upcoming
situation)
• Physiological impulses
• …
• Impulses are not necessarily good or bad:
they are part of the fabrics of kids…and every
human. They are signals sent by the brain
that ‘somethings needs to happen on that
field’. That impulse, like when you get touched
or hit, can be soft or strong, depending on the
perceived need deep in our brain.
• A state of ‘High tension’ is when impulses are
getting really strong but cannot be met, and
no alternative is found. Kids can contain them
for a time but not forever.
• But some children see different levels of
impulses than other in specific areas (e.g.,
dominate more)…or don’t get enough of some
other (eg. getting food when hungry).
• Impulses can be fed/re-enforced, coming from
context/past events, or calmed down/be more
dormant based on actions or others and
situations. For instance, punishing creates
more ‘impulses to dominate’ with some kids
(this is a domination on them).
• Neurotraining & medications directly act on
impulses as an intervention method
Reward
(when met)
OR
Tension
(when not met)

16. 16
The energy level: our two sub-reserves
Source: Self-Reg , I. Filiozat, analysis
We have two main ‘Energy reserves’ that needs to be restored often and are linked
to each other. If the biological reserve is getting empty, our emotional energy will get
empty much faster… and vice-versa
Biological energy
tank
• Loaded from
sleep, food,
breathing
• Used up
depending on
activity AND
arousal state
Emotional or ‘love’
energy tank
• Loaded from
loving
touch/words/
parental time/
positive
events/praise, etc.
• Used up through
negative emotions/
stressors
ENERGY TRANSFER
A ‘difficult’ child is often a
child running empty on
one or the two reserves.
This is why, contrary to a
natural reflex
(isolation/punishment), it
is best to help him
‘restore’ energy though
food, sleep (biological)
or hugging/fun time
(emotional energy).
But sometimes the
‘stressors’, are so high,
or life rhythm too
elevated that none of
this work so it is
important to find out
‘things that use up too
much energy’ and reduce
them.
OK zone: ability to
remain calm and
thoughtful
Depleting zone: child
which starts to show
nervousness
/Excitement, teasing
mood, or getting
sleepy/Drowsy
Dangerous zone: child that
‘runs on empty’, may
overreact and become
unable to satisfy many
expectations

17. 17
The flow model: energy/tension in personal context
Energy
tanks
levels
Internal tension
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
High
Low
Low High
Play
Enjoyment, fun,
pleasure/casual game,…
Cope
Challenging homework,
difficult/tense game,….
Sleepy
Waking up, napping,
daydreaming,…
Danger
Hostility, tantrum,
hitting/swearing, tears,…
Low energy situation can as well lead to fast escalation into ‘High tension’ areas. Tension is different that state –
tension is constantly changing based on how strong impulses are. Learning how to anticipate & recognize
tension/energy combination is a first step to proactively avoid the ‘danger zone’.
FAST

18. 18
How tensions need to exhaust when in ‘Danger’ zone
Source: Self-Reg , Raising human beings
Danger
Our limbic brain is dominant
in those situations and
typically leads to 4 typical
automated responses,
dating from our ‘primal’
ages
When in danger, a part of our brain in charge of ‘instinctive’ ruling becomes dominant, and typical reactions stem
from ancestral reactions to predators. Some kids will have ‘biases’ to prefer a response vs another. Those are
mechanisms that will ‘exhaust’ the tension and put the brain back in normal state (progressively). Obviously
those with a ‘Fight’ response will get more in trouble than those Flooded or Freezing….Others in contact of a
‘Fight’ response will feel themselves in danger & trend to react with similar mechanism, making problems worse.
Freeze
Child will stop and not move
Child will flee, run away or become
absent
Flight
Child will fight back: hit, insult,
provoke (any way to ‘hurt’ back)
Fight
Child will burst in tears and/or
accept domination
Flooded
Kids learn how to react
appropriately & regulate
tensions/stress through
appropriate means
Cool down

19. 19
The dual connection in every interaction, and the mirror
neurons
Source: Self-Reg, I. Filiozat
Connection on the rational level (neocortex)
Connection on the emotional level (limbic)
In every interaction, we connect at various degrees on both levels:
• either negatively (perception of threat or annoyance,..), or
• or positively (perception of learning, insights, love,…).
With every ‘connection’ our “mirror neurons” get in action and learn by imitation. The overall balance of the
connections (since it started) may be a good sign of the quality of the relationship.
‘Limbic resonance’ is when the limbic systems triggers a response based on the stress reaction of the other
person: fight back when fought, etc. This is how fights start, and why ‘mass panic’ can happen: a collective
‘flight response’ in face of a (maybe imaginary) highly stressful event.
With the ‘main loving figures’ (ie mostly the parents), the connection is even stronger and secure (called by
some the ‘interbrain connection’) . As such, kids will connect positively more, but will as well more easily &
frequently release their tensions with them than with other, as they feel ‘safe’ to do so given the very large
positive balance of the relationship.

20. 20
What you say is not what is being heard, when you’re hostile
Source: Self-Reg, I. Filiozat
What really gets through to the kids:
• I need to fight back (limbic resonance)
• To impose my will on others, I should be
hostile / dominant too (training neurons)
What is being said by the adult (content)

21. 21
The tension level: personal demands
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Raising tension (when demand not met)
Wishes Internal Demands Must / obsessions
Soft Impulses Containment Hard impulse
Fear / surprise /
interpretation
Self-feeding or
socially fed fear
Anxiety
Impulses (e.g., need to move, do something else, not do something) are leading to
containment/control strategies that build up tension, leading to explosion/ ‘outing’ behaviors
Internal wishes (e.g playing on ipad, getting some toy,..) can loop in internal demand, with a
single focus on them, becoming ‘must have’, then obsessions
Small fears, surprises, or interpretation of events (eg. jealousy) due to sensitivity can self-
feed or be fed by social context and grow, leading to anxiety,…
Danger
Hostility, tantrum,
hitting/swearing,
tears,…

22. 22
The flow model: external demands/expectations
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Situational
Age-based
Peers/siblings
Other
• Adults have very different expectations in different settings, from
classroom to cinema, home or playground…Some kids will find it hard
to adapt to the specific demands.
• Adults constantly adjust expectations based mainly on ‘what kids
should be capable of’ at this or that age group’. Unfortunately, those
demands cannot always be met by all kids, all the time. That does not
mean they should be dropped, but they should be ‘modulated’
• Other kids may impose unreasonable or reasonable demands on other
kids. This can go from celebrating a kid down to humiliating him/her.
This ‘external demand’ can result in unbearable pressure for some
kids, leading to negative circles (down to getting bullied)…or a fantastic
booster..
• Adults may find themselves inconsistent in their expectations based on
their personal context at that time, creating further instability/anxiety for
kids

23. 23
The flow model: external demands/Expectations & tension
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Raising tension
Demand
mismatch Refusal Escalation
Situation
demand
mismatch
Containment Disruption
Demand
instability Doubt Anxiety
Specific situations, like standing still during the school lessons, cannot be met by the child at
the time. The child will probably react by ‘containing’ the tension but at some point will try to
‘break the demand’ by becoming a little disruptive…until the situation escalates
A new demand can be placed on a child (homework, helping with a chore,..), which does not fit
its internal context at that time, leading to refusal. If the adult is not collaborative and see
refusal as ‘threat’ himself (eg. On his power, reputation,…), this will lead quickly into escalation.
When adults or context place instable demands (like too flexible rules, parents with various
moods,…), doubt / fear will get into their minds, leading to raising anxiety
Danger
Hostility, tantrum,
hitting/swearing,
tears,…

24. 24
The flow model: surrounding context
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Peer/Adult relationships
History / Habits
Personal context of others
Large change
Stressors
• Quality of relationships or reputation create a ‘going in’ attitude that
can immediately lead into a negative circle. Inversely, a positive
outlook and a trusting/caring relationship on any situation can help to
turnaround the situation
• Historic of situations & poor or good habits can trigger positive or
negative ‘reflexes’ in the situation by all involved, that may lead to
repeating over and over similar settings, without being able to ‘break
the mould’
• Adults or kids who are themselves in a low energy/high tension state
may react completely differently in given situations
• Some context elements that are stressful to some kids and not others:
• Light (too much or too little)
• Noise (specific noise or noise level)
• Social stimuli/unease
• Odours
• Screens
• Food intolerance/intoxication (eg., food additives, other kinds)
• Amount/ look of people (eg., some kids are scared by clowns)
• Tone of voice / body language of people (extra sensitivity to how
people express themselves, the facial expressions,…)
• A large change in context such as a new school, new home, a sick or
deceased relative, a recent birth can explain a lot of tension building up
much faster for a child

25. 25
The flow model: foundations
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Physical health
Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
Self-confidence
Self-awareness
Self-regulation skills
Self-control skills
Sensitivity
• Some diseases, of biological origins, may simply prevent the child to
have a proper foundation (e.g. Tourette, PANDAS,..)
• Chronical issues (eg. Bad sleep) can hurt normal functioning
• Chronical challenges in personal context (eg. Anxiety) can lead to health
issues
• A strong relationship with main loving figure is fundamental to enable a
child’s development.
• Some kids after year of being ostracized, punished, isolated, have lost
all self-confidence. Without a base self-confidence, they may fail to
improve
• Kids can learn when to anticipate their danger zone by knowing
themselves how they ‘work’ and getting help
• Kids can learn self-regulation techniques to reduce ‘stressors’ , restore
energy, reduce tensions by managing proactively their arousal state
(back into ‘calm’ mode). Very different than self-control
• Kids can learn self-control / mechanisms to exhaust tensions in an
appropriate albeit still violent way (vs disruptive behaviour), by
containing their tension and/or exhausting them later. Typically harder
to learn & apply than self-regulation and less effective as forces
‘containment’ strategies vs solving the stress.
• Kids can learn how to manage better sensitivities to specific
situations/environment or actions on them

26. 26
Example: ‘This child is not motivated’ (to achieve a certain external demand)
Trajectory &
evolution of
the child
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level
o Biological
o Emotional
• Tension level
• Arousal state
Personal Demands:
• Impulses
• Wishes/Aspirations/
Day dreaming
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships
• Habits
• Others’ context
• Large change
• Stressors
External Expectations:
• Situational
• Age-group based
• Peers/siblings
• Other
Foundations :
• Physical health
• Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Self-confidence
• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation skills
• Self-control skills
• Sensitivity
Maybe he’s running on
empty reserves, or too
excited to calm down
& listen
Maybe his internal
demands (like
daydreaming, or focus
on a task) is
competing & winning
against your will to do
something
Maybe there is something in the
context, like poor relations, or your
way to frame the demand reflection
some stress and provoking a ‘limbic
resonance’, or stressors associated
with the demand
Maybe your demand
is too dictatorial, like
‘do this right now’ –
most children will
cooperate but maybe
not right now. Or he
just does not know
HOW to comply
Maybe the relationship
with the loving figure is
not ok, or he lacks
self-confidence to
achieve the demand.
Motivation as a ‘lone concept’ does not make any sense. The questions are what are the elements in the flow
model that are getting on the way to achieve the match between the external demand and the other dimensions

27. 27
Example: ‘This child is attention seeking’ (when he should not)
Trajectory &
evolution of
the child
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level
o Biological
o Emotional
• Tension level
• Arousal state
Personal Demands:
• Impulses
• Wishes/Aspirations/
Day dreaming
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships
• Habits
• Others’ context
• Large change
• Stressors
External Demands:
• Situational
• Age-group based
• Peers/siblings
• Other
Foundations :
• Physical health
• Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Self-confidence
• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation skills
• Self-control skills
• Sensitivity
His reserve is maybe low – he
needs to fill up biological and/or
emotional reserve. His tension level
is likely medium or high
His impulses are
difficult to contain: play,
dominate/tease.
Maybe ‘bad habits’ developed and he
is supposed to play the ‘funny child’ in
the given context.
Maybe the
demand placed on
him at his age is
too high or too
low, or the ones
by his peer group
(ie teasing
him/her)
His self-confidence
may be low: he feels
unease in the given
context
Children do not seek attention for the pleasure of seeking attention. Other stressors

28. 28
Getting more advanced: the 5 cognitive domains
Source: Self-reg
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
Manage inflow of
emotions properly
Manage social
contexts: play, make
friends,…
Demonstrate
empathy, altruism,
generosity..
Being attentive, show
logic, deduction, delaying
gratification, switching
focus (everything linked to
learning)…
Cater for food needs,
sleep, stress level,
arousal state,
transitions,…
How we ‘perform’ (ie our skills) is usually mapped out on 5 domains .
We have all stimuli to go in situations where we can learn in those 5
domains & get rewarded.

29. 29
The 5 cognitive domains and stress/rewards impacts
Source: Self-reg, analysis
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
Everyone of those domains is both a source of stimuli, then stress
OR (brain) rewards, depending on progress/success by the child
(as defined per internal & external demands)
We all get
‘stimuli’ to
experience,
learn &
improve in
those 5
domains
(eg.
Approach
people to
get social
links)
Our experience
can result in
‘positive’ or
‘negative’
outcome - ie our
perception, fed
by perception
from others
and/or own
demands (e.g.,
no real social link
or negative social
outcome – feeling
that others see
us negatively)
If positive (hence the importance of positive
recognition), our brain will ‘reward’ us and we
will seek more of it (more stimuli). We will seek &
get more of those experiences, and get better at
the involved skill(s).
If negative, the brain will increase tension/stress
& if repeated, adjust over time his anticipation of
‘risk vs reward’ and thus:
• May lower the stimuli or ‘hide /contain it’
• May seek, even unconsciously, for an
alternative source of reward (eg. Food vs
social; listening to music vs doing homework,
etc.)
• May create anticipative stress due to fear of
‘negative outcome’ ie a low/negative reward but
high stress situation, leading to anxiety &
making the issue worse
While we are all better at some areas than others
(which is normal), beyond certain limits, the lack
of ‘basic performance’ in given areas may ‘spill
over’ in other areas too or even lead to health
issues.

30. 30
The enhanced flow model
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level
o Biological
o Emotional
• Tension level /
Arousal state
Personal Demands:
• Impulses
• Wishes/Aspirations/
Day dreaming
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context
• Large change
• Stressors
External Demands:
• Situational
• Age-group based
• Peers/siblings
• Other
Foundations :
• Physical health
• Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Self-confidence / self-esteem
• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation skills
• Self-control skills
• Sensitivity
Personal context/ demands &
Surrounding context / demands are:
• A source of stress/stimuli
(anticipation / challenges)
• A source of reward
(success/progress)
• Feed the skills/capacities in the 5
domains
Those are ‘engine’ of progress but can
go wrong when stimuli becomes stress &
progress/success is not achieved
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
Stimuli/Stress
Reward

31. 31
Enhanced flow model example: teen withdrawing from social Stimuli/Stress
Brain Reward
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level
• Tension level
• Arousal state
Personal Demands:
• Impulses
• Wishes/Aspirations/
Day dreaming
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context
• Large change
• Stressors
External Demands:
• Situational
• Age-group based
• Peers/siblings
• Other
Foundations :
• Physical health
• Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
• Self-confidence
• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation skills
• Self-control skills
• Sensitivity
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
1. Previous attempts to drive
social relationship led to more
stress than reward due to lower
‘social skills’. New attempts create
‘expectation stress’ and make it
even harder.
2. Pressure from peer
group increased as a
result of ‘poor
performance’ (e.g.,
reputation, making fun of).
Little new situations were
given to give second
chances
3. As a result, other sources of ‘brain
reward’ were sought that were easier
to get or more in line with skills (e.g.,
gaming, food, even drugs,..), leading to
poorer health, decreased self-
confidence (due to e.g. overweight,
lack of social recognition)
4. Chronically high tension / low
energy due to unhealthy lifestyle
and wrong stimuli leading to
degrading personal context and
further stress ‘piles up’ more
quickly due to low energy & high
tension state

32. 32
Last words about the flow model
• It is an abstraction, like a map for a territory
The intent of the model is to help adults & kids understand better our functioning alone & socially, not a
science class. As such, the objective is to find the ‘good level of abstraction’, or a map with enough
details but not too many. Too many details would make it hard to read for non-experts, and too few
could lead to oversimplification.
• It is not a magic wand
It is based on the idea that whatever ‘technique’ or tip you can quickly apply will probably short-lived,
without an understanding of the functioning behind it. We need to have a critical mind about what
people say about your kids, about what we read (including this), and what we do. Your child is unique
and it’s only through understanding him/her first that progress is achieved. This model’s only goal is
precisely this.
• It’s not complex
The flow model is based on a very simple idea that many factors affecting our kids and ourselves are
interlinked, and dynamically affect each other, positively or negatively, which can worsen the overall
trajectory of the child, or improve it. That’s it, really.
• There are two versions on purposes
There is a simple model and an ‘enhanced’ one. The enhanced one is especially useful for more
complex problems that seem to run in spiral due to chronical stress or other contextual elements, and
for most ‘engaged’ helpers who want to go further.

33. 33
Introduction
The model explained
Approaches, tools & techniques

34. 34
Introduction to tools & approaches
Source: analysis
Helping the
children to be
(back) on a
positive trajectory
Flow assessment
Understand positive/negative circles
& using it for daily issues
Enter an empathetic, collaborative dialogue
with the child to solve recurring issues
Collaborative Problem Solving
Understand & resolve the sources
of stress & way to regulate oneself
Self-reg
Use other non adverse approaches &
tools to support the journey
Other tools
Tools that focus on behaviors (rewards /
punishments) are NOT used.
Behavioral tools
Those tools
can be used
together as
mutually re-
enforcing

35. 35
Template: flow assessment of a negative circle in a typical set of
situations (eg. School+ after school)
Stimuli/Stress
Brain Reward
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level:
• Tension level:
• Arousal state:
Personal Demands:
• Impulses:
• Wishes/Aspirations/ Day dreaming:
• Fears
Surrounding context:
• Relationships:
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context:
• Large change:
• Stressors:
External Demands / Expectations:
• Situational:
• Age-group based:
• Peers/siblings:
• Other:
Foundations :
• Physical health:
• Relationship with ‘main loving figures’:
• Self-confidence:
• Self-awareness:
• Self-regulation skills:
• Self-control skills:
• Sensitivity:
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
How is the surrounding context affecting
other dimensions?
How are the external demands placed
on the child affecting other dimensions?
How are issues with foundations getting in the
way to achieve progress and/or affecting other
dimensions?
How is personal context affecting other
dimensions?
How are personal demands affecting other
dimensions?
What elements in the 5 domains are a source
of stress/tension?

36. 36
Template: action plan to address it
Stimuli/Stress
Brain Reward
NEGATIVE CIRCLE
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level:
• Tension level:
• Arousal state:
Personal Demands:
• Impulses:
• Wishes/Aspirations/ Day dreaming
• Fears:
Surrounding context:
• Relationships:
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context:
• Large change:
• Stressors:
External Demands / Expectations:
• Situational:
• Age-group based:
• Peers/siblings:
• Other:
Foundations :
• Physical health:
• Relationship with ‘main loving figures’:
• Self-confidence:
• Self-awareness:
• Self-regulation skills:
• Self-control skills:
• Sensitivity:
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
What elements of the context of the
‘problematic’ situations could be changed,
so that things improve ?
Which external demands should be
adjusted ? Released, made more
consistently, put in a plan B created
collaboratively ?
What investments should be made in the
foundations to raise them ?
What can be done in the personal context to
‘relieve’ the tensions
Are there interventions to decrease the level of
personal demands or better cope with them?
What elements in the 5 domains should be
addressed first ?

37. 37
Where is the diagnostic ? ADHD, ODD, Asperger, bipolar,…
Source: Difficult child, self-reg.ca, analysis
Imagine that dialogue….
‒ Hello Doctor
‒ How can I help you ? Have a seat.
‒ I feel not so well. I have bad fever
and terrible headache
‒ OK. Let me look
A few minutes later
‒ Hum…I think I know what you have
‒ (sigh of relief)
‒ You have THBF.
‒ Oh my god. Is it bad, Doctor ? Am I
going to die ?
‒ Not quite
‒ But what is it exactly ?
‒ It means ‘Terrible Headache and
Bad Fever’
‒ (astonished)
‒ Let me prescribe you some
paracetamol.
Pros of a diagnostic
‒ May reassure some parents, help them to find association/
group support with ‘similar’ kids
‒ Useful for other helpers to change perspective (not just
’trouble kid’ but some ‘sickness’)
‒ Useful if leading to root causes (eg. Food intolerance, too
much stimuli,..)
‒ Can lead to direct intervention (like medication) which
sometimes is necessary or at least helpful
‒ Many are merely a description of symptoms
‒ Since symptoms are behavioral, they trend to get others to
focus on behaviors, which are only the final step of other
underlying issues
‒ It’s not that there is a 100% proven ‘treatment’ for each
diagnostic: for most, you are still at square one of figuring
out the way forward
Cons of a diagnostic
Most diagnostic on social troubles
paraphrases the symptoms: a defiant child
has ‘ODD’, a child who can’t stay still has
ADHD, etc… Is this helpful ?...
?
…At the end of the day this is a personal decision to take
& trust one or not. But in any case, keep using own
judgement: parents & close helpers are the ones who
know the child best!

38. 38
The flow model - using it for daily issues (example)
Source: author
• My 4 yr old has finished his evening meal. He’d like some dessert.
Personal context: tired, low energy, low tension
• The ‘External demand’ is to wait at the table that everyone has finished
before getting some dessert
• He waits first then start ‘playing around’ with plate, forks, inappropriately.
His ‘Internal demand’ is to obey his ‘play stimuli’ and his energy level is
too low to temper it. His tension builds up.
• When I make him observe that he can’t play like that, he can’t manage
the situation and starts shouting, spitting. I get upset myself (personal
context: tired)
• I take him down his chair, almost to a time-out, until I realize there is a
mismatch between our demand & his. A timeout or hostile behavior
would lead to a melt down and negative circle (ie., bound to occur again).
• I know he loves books and that helps him to divert his internal demand
& lower his tensions, so I suggest to pick up a book while he waits at the
table.
• He looks at the book until dessert time. I congratulates & suggest him next
time to think about that idea (aka self-regulation technique) by himself.
He’s so happy he asks for a hug with a large smile.

39. 39
The flow model - using it for daily issues (example 2)
Source: author
• 8.30 am. 8 yr old is getting prepared to his youth movement. Then suddenly,
right before leaving, he froze & said he did not want to go. Personal context:
just woke up, just eaten.
• The ‘External demand’ is to go as his participation was confirmed and parent
was ready
• He argues and changes his clothes. His ‘Internal demand’ is to obey his ‘fear
stimuli’ of not going. He says it’s too cold, and some people are annoying him.
Mismatch between our demand & his.
• When parent make him observe that he has to go, and if he stays, there will be
no screen time instead, he starts shouting. Threatening was not appropriate.
Parent is soothing & drilling to find root causes of issues. Takes 15 minutes.
• Forcing simply may lead to escalation. But parent have observed that some
tensions are due to early morning wake up, with empty stomach, and a ‘cold
day’ outside – a transition management skill. They trend to evacuate by
themselves later, as transition is behind.
• Parent insists we will talk to youth leaders about the issue & address them, but
has to go. Parent will make sure his life there will be manageable & he will have
fun, and will give mobile number to leaders (ease social context & external
expectations)
• He goes, dragging his feets. Gets a warm welcome from other kids as he arrives
(late of course) and smiles. Rest of the day works just fine. Had lots of fun &
continue to learn social skills & a positive circle in this context.

40. 40
The flow model – addressing recurring problems the appropriate way
Source: Self-Reg , Raising human beings
Conflict/
Challenge
Wrong behaviors,
demands not met,…
A conflict or challenge happens when
there is no match between expectations
of/among kids and adults for a given
situation, and it cannot be solved
consistently without escalation (fight,
flood,…) or dropping the expectation
Adults should identify the
lagging skills,
problematic situations,
and ‘negative circles’ and
work on those first
Some root causes for those
lagging skills are found in
personal context, surrounding
context, way to manage
internal demands, reaction to
or level of external
expectations, or foundations….
Take a detective hat to find out
(with the kids and notes)
Actions to be put in place in
order to address the most
pressing issues:
• Teach self management
skills
• Improve personal context
• Adapt social/surrounding
context
• Better manage internal
demands
• Reduce/adapt external
expectations
• Work on foundations
Those actions are best decided
with the adult through
‘Collaborative Problem Solving’
(CPS)
Work on 4-6 weeks interventions and assess progress then adjust / change

41. 41
The flow model: improving lagging skills through CPS
Source: Dr Greene’s books
Learning
trajectory of
skills, values
& attitudes
Escalating
tensions &
issues, leading to
a
‘pressure/failure’
spiral
Positive
trajectory, leading
to constantly
adjusting, positive
& empathetic
approach
Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) is the
main method to address specific, recurring
challenges or conflicts, with as principle:
• A positive approach vs
hostile/threatening, starting with lagging
skills
• A collaborative approach vs dominating
• Empathy as a cornerstone of success

42. 42
The flow model: examples of lagging skills
Source: Dr Greene’s books, ALSUP, Self-reg
Challenging
situations
where change
is required
Understand main lagging skills that
prevent a successful outcome for a
reasonable external demand, like…:
• Tolerate frustrations
• Adapt to changes in context &
demands / expectations
• Face specific external expectations
• Execute chores/duties
• Execute ‘executive’ tasks
• Raise/decrease arousal state when
needed
• Understand other’s point of view
• Communicate own feelings in an
appropriate way
• Consider multiple alternative to
demands, multiple solutions to
problems
• Adapt to new situations, change in life
• Make/keep friends
• Manage transitions from a context to
another
• Delay gratifications
• Etc…
… in given situations:
• Waking up
• Getting ready for
school
• In classroom
• At recess
• End of the morning
• After lunch
• While playing with
siblings
• Before homework
• At end screen time
• When going to bed
• During sport activities
• With certain persons
• Etc.

43. 43
The 3-steps approach: collaborative problem solving
Source: Dr Greene’s books, ALSUP, www.livesinthebalance.org/resources
Empathy step
Define the
problem step
Invitation step
• “I’ve noticed that...(insert unsolved problem)... what’s up?”
• “The thing is (insert adult concern)….” or “My concern is
(insert adult concern)…”
• “Restate the concerns that were identified in the first two steps,
usually beginning with “I wonder if there is a way…”
A proactive method (preferably not in the ‘heat of the moment’) to define a mutually
satisfying solution to a recurrent problem in a given situation : a plan B. Plan C would
be satisfying solely the demand of the kid, Plan A forcing the demand of the adult.
The better solution always lies in a plan B, proactively constructed & mutually agreed
upon..
Try to understand what is going on and use all possible boxes
surrounding the circles to find out root causes: drill as much as possible
and use observations (timings, context) to play the detective
Express your concern in a non hostile way and concisely about the
lagging skills (and not just behaviors) : what worries you, not what makes
you angry. NOT your expectation, but what could wrong in the child’s
future or with other people if the concern is not addressed.
Try to find a solution, using again the ‘boxes’ (context, demands,
foundations) that you can mutually agree on
1
2
3

44. 44
Working on foundations: self-reg
Source: Self-reg
Read the signs
Become a stress
detective
Reduce the
stress
• Read signs that are leading up to difficult situations
• Identify the typical stressors in your kid’s life:
• Reduce environments / situations that are prone to high stress
A proactive method to improve the life of kids under frequent stress & little apparent
reasons
For instance, if a child is always nervous/not compliant every end of
morning or end of afternoon, it may be simply that he is low on ‘biological
energy’…needs more food
For instance, extra sensitivity to some environment, food, noise level;
attitude of some adults or other kids,;..
If a child is sensitive when getting hungry (which he may not realize
himself), try to give foods he likes more, more often
Reflect to
develop self-
awareness
• Help them to recognize typical states of arousal, tension and energy
and anticipate
Children can learn to be aware of own body signals and anticipate future
issues by taking actions before the tension is too high
Figure out what
your child find
calming
• Help them use tools & techniques to move back to a ‘calm’ state
through appropriate mechanism
Being ‘quiet’ is not the same as ‘calm’: kids should learn to move into a
state of internal calmness and self-control, with no/little tension, through
tool(s) THEY will adopt themselves and like (eg. Mindfulness, go play out,
read a book, speak to best friend,….)
1
2
3
4
5

45. 45
Put the detective hat on
Source: Analysis, self-reg
Look for patterns
The child is
showing some
hints
The context is
showing some
hints
• Are the issues showing some patterns beyond situations?
• Check how the child is behaving when calm – what preference he is
showing?
• Specific elements of context might reveal specific stressors / issues
Some more insights on how to find the root causes of issues
If a child is always ‘lashing out’ after school, it may be due to the fact that
he has done ‘containment strategies’ during that day and what looks like
home issues are in fact school issues
If a child prefers quiet environments there might noise sensitivity issues. If
he talks especially nicely when calm, he might be extra sensitive to body
languages/ tones of voice of others, etc.
A large change (moving houses, changing school, divorce) is often a
stressor that may reveal itselfs in other areas, not related to the change
Experiments as a
source of finding
• Non adversarial approaches cannot do much harm. In the worst
case, what you will have done will be harmless. Try things.
For instance, a young child may feel very strong body tension and only
finds throwing a tantrum a way to release them. But a small massage or
tickling could do it too…but he will not tell you until you try.

46. 46
The 4 toltec agreements
Source: toltecspirit.com, analysis
Be impeccable
with your words
Don’t take
anything
personally
Don’t make
assumptions
• Speak with integrity. Only say what you mean.
• Nothing others do is because of you. What they do is a projection of their
own reality, or stress. It will hurt you only if you allow it.
• Ask questions, and find out what is going on. Have courage to say
what you want as other people assumption may be wrong
Toltec civilization is a premayan civilization that disappeared long time ago but the
core principles they founded are still very much alive today.
However what you can say when you’re angry or frustrated can come
a long way. Think twice.
Children that are aggressive, or even insulting, are simply ‘fighting back’ in a
state of stress. Anything they do should not hurt you – or as little as possible
You think you know your kids but it’s simply impossible to keep track of
what they know, what they feel, and what are the demands they need to
cope with
Always do your
best
• Your best will depend on the amount of demands, your context, and
the state of your foundations. Avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and
regret
Children always do their best, naturally. They have huge natural
motivation. The issues are when your expectations don’t match with their
demands. The point is to find out jointly a solution so that they can match
again.
1
2
3
4

47. 47
Other tools - foundations
Source: Self-Reg , analysis
Physical health
Relationship with ‘main loving
figures’
Self-confidence
Self-awareness
Self-regulation skills
Self-control skills
Sensitivity
• Consult a doctor to find out possible health issues that may affect the
kids both directly & indirectly
• Simply spend time with the child, releasing completely your agenda &
let him in control of the time (at least 20 minutes per day + a special
day just for him once a month). Show only empathy & try to have fun
together (working on ‘interbrain’ connection)
• Ease all other demands but those that are met beyond expectations
(eg. Soccer game) – re-enforce with continuous praise (not artificially
but substantiated)
• Make regular counts of what goes well for him/her (compensate the
overfocus on issues)
• Go through the frameworks presented here and ask the child to assess
where problems are.
• Do neuro-psy or other tests to assess possible neurological
challenges/difference (attention, impulsivity, IQ, sensitivity, etc..)
• Cfr next page
• Better teach self-regulation than self-control but possible back up to
avoid inappropriate behaviors
• Depending on type of sensitivity, usual technique is to reduce element
of sensitivity then progressively re-introduce & check.

48. 48
Other tools – foundations – self-regulation techniques
Source: Self-Reg , research
• Apps: Headspace, Petit Bambou (FR)
• Books: ‘La Petite Grenouille’ (FR),
‘Sitting still like a frog’ (EN); The
mindful child,…
• Mindfulness
ResourcesTechnique
• Body
exercises
Some kids might love it, others hate it…. Try
multiple variants. No point to insist if the child does
not want to participate….that defeats the purpose.
Notes
• - Connecting with the body through a
massage, games, helps kids with ADHD
or constantly in ‘hyperarousal’ state
• ‘Tricks’ • The zones of regulation ® - exploring
emotions (book & apps)
Explores techniques to self-regulate in multiple
zones: counting to 10, asking an adult, flexible
thinking, deep breathing,…
• Other • You & your child! Let you & your kids explore what help them
regulate: read a book, lay down & listen to music,
walk in nature,…

49. 49
Other tools – working on habits & history
Source: analysis
• Are there bad habits ? Most smokers struggle to
quit smoking. Kids may have bad habits: bad
language, reflex to shout, avoid chores, fighting
with a sibling (etc.). The only difference is that
they brain is still ‘plastic’ enough to quit much
faster.
• Sometimes the habit is in the relationship: e.g.,
a way to treat one’s mother or father, or sibling.
Bad habits did build over time, and the
surrounding context (ie reaction from the
parent) is part of it
• When the only remaining reason for an issue
is a bad habit, there you can maybe rely on
more classical tools, still within a collaborative
approach with the kids (CPS):
• Empathy step: ‘What’s going on?’ – drill
to understand what drives this
• Awareness of the concern by the adult
• How can we change the dynamics
together ?
• How can we turn this into a positive
alternative ? Rewards ? Penalties ? New
habits?
• This will only work if the child displays this
habit even in ‘calm’ state (no other drivers like
anxiety, skills, stress/tension,…)
Think about what people who
try to quit smoking do:
• They change environment
(e.g. less parties with people
smoking)
• They use patches or E-
cigarettes
• They quit progressively or
abruptly
• They ask friends to help them
& do a social commitment
• They do stuff that will make
them feel the bad aspect of
smoking, like running
• They substitute with other,
more appropriate activities
(eg. Taking a walk)
Think about what you can do:
• Less situations that lead to the
behaviour, different reactions
from others
• Do something else than the bad
habit (eg., sing when talking if
too many bad words are used)
• Try both
• Get kids to commit to you &
remind them
• Ad hoc, eg. record them and
show them (in private setting)
• Substitute problematic activities
that can break the habit (eg.
Calmer games if issues when
playing with siblings)

50. 50
Other tools: getting kids to understand and manage
arousal states (simplified for kids)
Source: The zones of regulation ® - exploring emotions
Kids show different patterns of arousal, and some have difficulty moving to ‘green’ or go way too
fast in ‘red’. Recognizing one’s state & the state of others is key to help them manage some
situations, and self-regulate or self-control.
BLUE
GREEN
ORANGE
RED
• Being mad, in a state of high tension, and with a hostile
attitude
• Being excited, highly concentrated or in ‘teasing mood’
towards others
• Being calm & focused, in full control
• Being drowsy/sleepy, sad or down

51. 51
Managing & resolving anxiety: learning to swim
Anxiety is like being in water and not
knowing to swim. ‘Water’ is the situation the
triggers the anxiety: persons, places,
contexts,…
Anxiety results in stress, extreme shyness,
anger, etc… It is often ‘hidden in plain
sight’: adults refuse to see it until it seems
obvious.
Children will use coping strategies, like they
may do so when going to a swimming pool:
• Refusing to go (avoiding the situation)
• Going into shallow depth (staying far
from troubling people/situations)
• Going only with a parent (only going
with the safe presence)
• Going only with a buoy (e.g talking
‘through’ another kid vs directly to adult
for very shy kids)
The best method to learn to swim for kids that don’t
want to:
• Take time!
• Go micro-steps by micro-steps, with small positive
feedback on every progress, in challenging
situations
• Takes a gentle, firm, positive approach, not forcing
or overbearing
• Take individual coaching
But never stops trying and never let go as the coping
strategies may become the only way of life…
This is just a teaser, refer to a
professional or online sources if/when
anxiety is too profound

52. 52
Other tools – the volcano
Source: neuro-psy, do2learn
Definitely helpful for kids to identify their
stressors, but often requires observations
(even diaries) by adults.
Great to act as soon as possible and help to
‘feed’ the energy tanks & help the kids
release the tension through voice (‘what’s
going on?’) rather than wait for the visible
explosions.
To those who like punishment, you can as
well explain that it’s like putting a stone on
the volcano: it may seem to help a little as
the child may use ‘containment’ strategies to
avoid punishment, but either:
• The stone will melt & feed it (more
anger/resentment)
• The volcano will explode later, more
violently with someone else (the child
learned you can ‘dominate’ others that are
weaker by imposing your will on them &
may seek revenge from the punishment
on someone else)
• Hence the focus is to help the child
regulate more, better, faster, using all
other techniques

53. 53
Other tools - the two sources of power
Of the adults…. …. Over the kids
Source: analysis
Power from domination
Power (over some people) is the
ability to decide & impose rules,
rewards, consequences &
punishment on those people
Power from influence
The ability to influence others
through relationships, behaviors,
logic, emotions, credibility,…
As adults, most of us use the two sources of power constantly with kids. However, the influence
we have on them is the most rewarding & positive source for both. The power from ‘domination’
is to be used very wisely (and as rarely as possible). ‘Bad behaviors’ always comes from two
sources: too much stress/tension level (4 modes) OR rejection of domination (rebellion).
• Often tempting to use
power as a ‘quick way’ to
get things moving
• Sometimes used as well for
‘grave’ consequences,
crisis situations
• Most accept the fact they have no
or less power over adults…but
other don’t
• However, imposed power does
not foster learning but often feeds
anger
• Sometimes though some ‘power
shock’ by the adult may help a
child to reassess his way of
approaching some situations or
his values and ‘bad’ habits
• Harder to gain and use but
more rewarding
• Kids will enjoy guidance from
positive influence that guide
their learning into a positive
trajectory

54. 54
Other tools - the 4 uses of power (screen time example)
The adults The kids
Source: Self-Reg , organizational behavior, analysis
No use
Kids can watch whenever they want.
Risks: kids may become anxious,
addicted, and permanently in tension
Correct use
Decisions are balanced and made
empathetically (eg. 30 minutes
screen time + extra to finish what
you’ve started)
Abuse
Adult imposes will simply because
‘they’ve decided’ (e.g. stop screen
at any time even in the middle of
something)
Misuse
Adults impose what to watch/do.
Missed opportunity to let kids decide:
eg. Movie to watch, game to play,…
As adults, we need to constantly reflect on our use of power, based on the age
of the kids, their need to take increasing autonomy, the negative impact of
some of their preferences (like screens), and the circumstances of the moment
• Use power smartly by taking
the perspective of the kids as
well as what is
needed/balanced for her
growth
• Feel heard & appreciated,
but may not be sufficient self-
aware to know whether
she/he can comply or have
skills to do so
• Use power ‘because they
have it’, resulting in negative
learning
• Get more stressed & treated
unfairly, creating anger &
resentment, decrease of self-
confidence (negative circle)
• Do not use any power – have
given up or too low energy
• Get the negative, unanticipated
impact and/or become anxious
due to lack of rules (negative
circle)
• Use power in situation where
it is not necessary
• Do not get a chance to make a
decision, become autonomous

55. 55
The power of… the frame
Source: research
Some people will tell you: kids need a strong set of rules and punish when they don’t respect them: this is the
society they will face when they grow up.
NOT SO FAST: the assumption there is that we need to mirror the society as an effective way to learn how it
works, but are jailing & fining effective to affect behavior & prevent further delinquency ? In fact, they are not.
What does work are positive collaborative program, reinsertion programs, and work on ‘natural
consequences’. It’s ‘restorative’ justice vs ‘punitive’ justice
However, kids do need (and like to have) a frame, which is a bunch of rules, with autonomy in it. But why not
simply build it together with them when they are calm & relaxed ? It’s much more effective than having them to
‘obey order’ or (other extreme) do ‘as they please’.
THE FRAME
Kids need to feel they have autonomy in the frame so
that they are in their ‘progression zone’. The frame is
sized based on the context, their age, foundations,
skills, and demands.
If the frame is perceived as too large or unclear, some kids will become
anxious, unstable, and difficult. They enter into their ‘stress zone’ with too
many unknowns and challenges
If the frame is perceived as too small for
them, kids will rebel, be flooded or retreat:
they can’t satisfy their appetite to learn &
become autonomous and they enter their
stress zone as well, or give up & don’t
progress
You will need to often adjust
the frame collaboratively
with the kids as they grow
fast & changes in their
personal context or
demands may influence it.
Make no assumption!

56. 56
The knowledge zones
Others….
The child
Source: analysis
Know
Don’t know
Doesn’t know Knows
Self-awareness
gap
The child needs to understand first
the root causes before improving
Known issues
No point in telling them over &
over again, but work together
on a joint plan
Uncovered issues
Child & adults put the
detective hat to find out..
Secret spot
The child may hide a secret issue
that is impeding development…
need to build trust to uncover it
and help
When acting, it is very important to find out knows what about that issue. Insisting over & over again on a known
issue could be counterproductive, but acting without knowing what is causing the trouble may too….
Lagging skills, stressors, contexts elements & issues can be
mapped against those 4 quadrants

57. 57
Other tools – Neurotraining
Source: Self-Reg , research
• Neurotraining relies on the ‘neuroplasticity’: the proven concept
that when trained properly, the brain will adapt itselfs to better
handle some situations
• It is used with adults as well with kids having challenges like ADHD
or challenges to control impulses
• Albeit the field is relatively new, there are many techniques that can
be used, offline & online to improve the kids’ skills for:
• Focusing attention
• Manage impulses
• …
• Articles that summarize possible tools:
• 10 Brain Training Programs to Check Out
• 6 Brain Training Exercises for Children and Teens
• Neurotraining can as well be done through ‘Neurofeedback’
sessions even though feedbacks are mixed

58. 58
Other tools – OBC as Often Be Coaching
Source: Self-Reg , research
Often
Be
Coaching
• Coaching means the ability to be the safe,
trusted, stand-by person that gently supports
development
• Coaching is not about insisting on the desired
behavior, but helping the child uncovering skills
& resources to get on a good trajectory
• Create self-awareness with the child about how
his brain works
• Collaborate with him to find out stressors, ways
to self-regulate, until you’ve agreed both on the
‘good ideas’
• Often but not always gently, concretely & simply
refer to which ‘lever’ (s)he could pull, eg. ‘green
zone’. Or ‘maybe you should eat something,
you’re running empty’, or ‘Next time, rather than
shouting, you should simply think why you
disagree first, & tell me’. As much as possible
not in the heat of a dispute since they cannot
learn at those times, or in general not when the
child is not receptive
• Rarely completely give up on some expectations
but sequence coaching areas
• Use positive praise, gratitude to them, to
reinforce use of tools & techniques, and positive
attitudes/circles – every victory counts, every
failure is an opportunity to learn
POSITIVE
CONCISE
CONCRETE
WHEN
RECEPTIVE
WITH
RECOGNITION
GENTLE
NOT
JUDGMENTAL

59. 59
Coaching self-management skills vs telling
Source: Self-Reg , research
Go to bed !
Have your shower!
Stop teasing your brother
Help wit the chores!
What about your time
commitment?
Let’s work on a way that
it gets a habit
When you get bored,
what else could you do?
Let’s do a plan for chores
that we both feel
comfortable?
Telling Coaching
Telling at best creates a habit of ‘external stimuli’:
why self-manage something if I get (even a hostile)
stimuli to get moving ?
Coaching acts as a trigger to thought process, as a
gentle reminder & encouragement to apply self-
management skills

60. 60
The 12 characters in our brain
Our little policeman is there to
stop us doing too many crazy
things and stopping impulses
that are not really always
acceptable.
He is our ‘self control’.
Our little clown wants us to do a
lot of ‘funny’ things, that are not
necessarily acceptable or
appropriate… or really funny.
Jumping, dancing, sometimes
provoking/swearing.
He is our ‘impulsive’ self.
Our little military boy is there to
steer us and sometimes push us
a bit when we can’t find enough
energy to start or do something.
He can be a little direct.
He is our ‘power’ self.
Our little ‘sleepy’ buddy wants to
stay put and avoid situations that
may look scary or too difficult, or
simply not compatible with our
mood. He’d rather stay put and
take no risks.
He is our ‘reptilian’ self.
Rather than act as the ‘missing’ or too weak characters in
our child, adults should rather support the kids to raise
the right ones

61. 61
The 12 characters in our brain (2)
Our little rally man has some
plan to drive fast to his
destination but will adapt his
course based on circumstances,
what others do, say and need.
He is our ‘adaptative’ self.
Our little Man-Rocket has strong
ideas. He can go very far with
them but will not be able to
change course while in the air.
He is our ‘obstinated’ self.
Our little ‘self-regulation’ man is
capable to accept & regulate all
incoming emotions in an
appropriate way and cool down
without losing it
.
He is our ‘self-reg’ self.
Our little ‘angry’ man has a hard
time to regulate frustrations and
unpleasing acts from others
appropriately, and can be full
from anger.
He is our ‘angry’ self.
Rather than act as the ‘missing’ or too weak characters in
our child, adults should rather support the kids to raise
the right ones

62. 62
The 12 characters in our brain (3)
Our little peace man spends
more time doing than worrying.
He focuses on the present &
happiness it can bring, and
optimistic about the future.
He is our ‘no worries’ self
Our little ‘Worrying’ man is too
often imagining what could go
wrong, even when there is really
not much that could go wrong.
But the internal voice can’t stop
He is our ‘worrying’ self
Our little ‘tolerant’ man is open to
difference, accepts that other
people are different, have
different needs, and may not go
his way, or even annoy him.
He is our ‘acceptance’ self
Our little ‘intolerant’ man teases
others a bit too much when
things don’t go his way and gets
upset for no good reason.
He is our ‘intolerant’ self
Rather than act as the ‘missing’ or too weak characters in
our child, adults should rather support the kids to raise
the right ones

63. 63
Where to start ? Some alternative strategies
• First things first: focus on largest ‘negative’ circles issues and try
to reverse them using all tools. Release other expectations.
• Best chosen when things get really out of control in certain
situations, leading to physical dangers or jeopardizing the child’s
future
• Create/ Build on victories: create and/or focus on small existing
‘green’ circles and build upon them by making them bigger and
more important in the child’s life
• Best chosen when things (can) get better in some areas (eg. Start a
new, smaller activity that the child will like, like singing, horseriding,
then if working well invite new friends at home, praise the
improvements, etc.)
• Personal first: focus on ‘personal elements’ by using the tools
that support changes to address specific situations and turn
them into ‘green circles’
• Best chosen when a lot of personal challenges get in the way of
improvements
• All-in: use as many as possible techniques & tools to get fast
improvements
• Best chosen when things overall have gone pretty bad but
adults are ready to turn things around collectively
Work on 4-6 weeks interventions and assess progress then adjust / change

64. 64
Where to start ? Some alternative strategies (cont’d)
• Retreat/simplify: remove as many expectations as possible and
simplify external context to ease your child’s life & enable him to
‘regroup’ himself (e.g., homeschooling, reducing activities, creating
calming environment,…)
• Best chosen when personal improvement is a long way to go and
keeping too many demands/tough context only makes things worse
• Alleviate the personal demands through more direct
interventions, like medication/food additives to adapt internal
stimuli (eg. For ADHD), mental neuro-training, helping him/her to
move back into green circles and/or follow school (note:
medication only through specialized MD)
• Best chosen when personal stimuli demands are too strong & no
‘foundational techniques’ seem to work
• Foundations only: focus on core foundations, like e.g., the
relationship with loved figures, self-reg techniques, and release all
other agenda points.
• Best chosen when foundations are really in poor state: self-
confidence very low, relationship with main loving figures broken,
etc.
There is no ‘perfect strategy’. You as main caring person knows what to do best, once you’ve
tried to understand the main issues on all dimensions.
Work on 4-6 weeks interventions and assess progress then adjust / change

65. 65
Example: an ‘All-in’ approach for a 9-yr old boy (ADD, ‘Gifted’)
Stimuli/Stress
Brain Reward
POSITIVE CIRCLE
Personal context:
• Energy level:
• Tension level:
• Arousal state:
Personal Demands:
• Impulses:
• Wishes/Aspirations/ Day dreaming
• Fears:
Surrounding context:
• Relationships:
• History/ Habits
• Others’ context:
• Large change:
• Stressors:
External Demands / Expectations:
• Situational:
• Age-group based:
• Peers/siblings:
• Other:
Foundations :
• Physical health:
• Relationship with ‘main loving figures’:
• Self-confidence:
• Self-awareness:
• Self-regulation skills:
• Self-control skills:
• Sensitivity:
Biological
Emotion
Social
ProsocialCognitive
What elements of the context of the
‘problematic’ situations could be changed,
so that things improve ?
Switched sport from football (soccer) to
Rugby (more positive surrounding). Limit
screen time. Work on better relationship
with parents
Which external demands should be
adjusted ? Released, made more
consistently, put in a plan B created
collaboratively ?
Moved to another playground with older
kids during recess (as more advanced
verbally than peer group). Accept that
sometimes he will still cry even not his
age. Plan B heavily on screen usage
(not too much, but no suppression).
What investments should be made in the
foundations to raise them ?
Spend more time playing & having fun with
mother. Once a week before going bed,
enumerate all positive things with him. Work on
self-awareness of ‘hot buttons’ and coach to
‘take distance’ when facing ‘attacks’
What can be done in the personal context to
‘relieve’ the tensions?
Make sure he has food on time, and register to
sufficient physical activities that can exhaust
tensions in an appropriate way
Are there interventions to decrease the level of
personal demands or better cope with them?
Medication treatment (Rilatin). After testing for
food issues, food supplements ingested daily
What elements in the 5 domains are a source
of stress/tension?
Emotions, Prosocial, Biological

66. 66
Techniques for school
Source: various
Empathy
learning
CPS for
schools
Self-reg for
schools
• Empathy is an intrinsic that can be improved or forgotten
• The ‘Collaborative Problem Solving’ method does not require a special
education or much investment but has proven a very effective method
• Self-reg mechanisms & approach to identify & remove stressors are used in
many schools to help students & teachers.
Ashoka ‘changemaker’ program for schools have ‘empathy’ programs
with stories & exercices they use with kids as of kindergarten. They create
‘solution’ zones using listening/talking kids & train some kids as mediators
to learn non-conflictual approaches to disagreements.
The CPS method is applied at thousands of schools in the US, and in
teenager detention centers with large success (recidivism rates went from
55% to 15% in some places)
The self-reg program in Canada has implemented self-reg techniques
with success
Flow model
@school ?
• We believe that the flow model can change the conversation between
teacher, children & parents into a much more insightful, constructive
& steered one
To be continued…

67. 67
And the parents in the story?
Source: various
Invest in you
the person
Invest in your
couple
Invest in your
relationship
with the kids
• Who are you ? What makes you laugh ? What realizes you?
• A partner is not just a coparent.
• A solid relationship with the main loving figures (ie the parents) is
fundamental – it is called the ‘interbrain connection’ and drives lots of
progress
Adults in general, and parents in particular, might find themselves victims of the
challenges posed by their kids: living in tension, fear of judgements from others,
challenging lifestyle. It’s hard to be a parent , that’s why it is key not to forget you are
more than a parent and invest in other dimensions
Take time for yourself, to take care of your body, mind & soul, to be positive,
calm & attentive as often as possible. Do whatever that means for you: taking
time off, doing yoga or mindfulness, more sports.
Take care of the relationship as much as possible, by taking time at two. It
matters as much as the rest.
Spend time together in an activity you both enjoy and release any
educative agenda. Have fun, laugh, talk. Deepen the relationship
Address your
‘circles’
• Re-enforce your positive circles (or create some) and fix the negative
ones, using the same diagnostic & tools as for your kids. You
deserve it as much as you do
Remove stressors in your job or seek a different professional venture,
move to a different place, start a new hobby, etc..

68. 68
What to remember ? A few From-Tos
TELLING
FROM
UNDERSTANDING
TO
HOSTILE EMPATHIC
PARTIAL HOLISTIC (FLOW MODEL)
NOW PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE
OBEDIENCE COOPERATION
REWARDS &
PUNISHMENT
COACHING & RECOGNITION
FOCUS ON BEHAVIOR FOCUS ON UNDERLYING
ISSUES
BAD CHILD LAGGING SKIlLS
PLAN A PLAN B
DOMINATION COLLABORATION
WILL SKILLS IN GIVEN CONTEXT

69. 69
What you should tell others
Most kids will do well over time. But as someone who learns to drive can get stressed or angry in
the traffic because of a challenging context or route, some kids find it hard to remain calm &
focused all the time: they are learning to drive their brain. And some kids actually are more often
in a tense & challenging state than others: learning to drive is more challenging for them. For
those kids, this tension is often released the wrong way, leading to not acceptable behaviors.
Our brain is not a computer chip. It is made of different parts that sometimes produce an
overwhelming effect on the child, or lead them to ‘unacceptable behaviors’. This can happen in
various context of the child or the environment, and depends on the demands that the child has
from his brain, and the external demands put on him by adults at that time.
Yet, profoundly inside, all children are motivated to do well: to learn, to make friends, to be loved
and accepted.
Rewards & punishment are based on the idea that kids are not motivated to do well, and while it
can have some effects over the short term, that will not help them to truly build the self-
confidence, self-regulation, self-control & the skills they need to improve & meet the demands
placed on them.
What will be effective is if adults break the negative cycles & start building or re-enforce positive
ones. By collaborating with them on addressing challenging situations through mutually
acceptable plans, adapting some demands they can’t cope with, teaching them new skills, putting
them in situations in which they can do well and boost their self-confidence and esteem, they will
improve and become balanced, positive adults.
Since we’ve been trained to understand that only ‘carrot & sticks’ are effective since
hundreds of years, many people find it hard to believe that this is not most effective
approach

70. 70
The hardest part for parents… as a conclusion
The hardest part, for parents of challenging kids, is not the fact that, on top of managing & raising
them, parents are too often confronted with hostility & judgment from others, while they should
get extra help, or at least some empathy.
The hardest part is maybe, that it’s difficult for us as parents to accept those kids are different,
and they will need to find their own way to be at their best, with our support.
Or the hardest part is that we remain human beings, and we can get tired, fed up, or angry
ourselves to just then feel guilty minutes later, as much as they do.
Or the hardest part is that our wish for a magic formula never quite comes, and that we simply
need to be patient & resilient.
But as we go through the hardest parts, and as we build our capabilities as parents, those kids,
filled by their love & their talents, give us a beautiful gift: they turn us into a better person.

71. 71
Main inspirators
• The explosive child (book)
• Lost in school (book)
• Raising human beings (book)
• www.livesinthebalance.org
• Facebook group: ‘Plan B team’
Dr. Ross Greene,
PhD
ResourcesWho
Dr Greene designed his CPS method to address
‘lagging skills’ now used by thousand of parents &
schools, with large success. Must read to go
deeper into ‘plan B’ (most didactic being the ‘raising
human beings’)
The Facebook group is also a source of great
feedback & inspiration.
Notes
• Self-reg (book)
• https://self-reg.ca
Dr Stuart Shanker Self-reg is extremely valuable to go deeper into the
root causes behind ‘lagging skills’ and help
everyone better self-regulate in the 5 domains.
• Understanding children’s emotions
• Numerous others in French
Isabelle Filiozat Isabelle makes complex behavioural issues look
simple & offer solid, often illustrated techniques to
deal with parental challenges, always with an
explanation of the neuroscience behind it.
The Web (few
examples)
• https://www.pinterest.com/sbagley196
3/brain-breaks/
• http://www.do2learn.com
• http://www.ahaparenting.com/
• https://www.anxietybc.com/
• https://www.ashoka.org/en/program/c
hangemaker-schools
• http://www.papapositive.fr (French)
There are infinite resources on the Web but avoid
those based on behavioural techniques, or
‘Freudian’ ones (if you believe in the non
adversarial approaches)

72. 72
Questions ? Would like to contribute ? Join
the movement (for EN or FR) ?
positivecirclespeople@gmail.com
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