U Prep Social Lives of Adolescents

University Prep School
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Social Lives of Adolescents
Supporting Your Kids Through Common Stages
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

About Seattle Girls’ School

Disclaimers and
Other Food for Thought

Social Development
Joanne Deak
• Self Awareness (0-2)
• Parallel Play (2-3)
• Interactive Play (3-6)
• Transitory Friendships (6-8)
• Friendship Clusters (8-10)
• Best Friends or Generalists (10-12)
• Cliques (12-14)
• Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+)

The Thing About Models
• All Models Have Some
Value
• All Models Have Some
Limitations
• Models Have Stages
and Timelines;
Experiences Do Not
• Models Can, However
Give Language to
Experiences

• Where is your child?
• Where are your child’s peers?
• How are their choices?
• How can you coach them?
Choices and Actions

This is that delightful stage when you discover
the difference between yourself and others. You
may look at your hands like they’re strange
things apart from your consciousness, but then
you realize that you can control your hands and
your body and others cannot.
Self Awareness (0-2)

This is a stage when you learn how to play by
yourself. If you learn to play with others, it’s
really only to watch what they do and mimic it in
your own play. In parallel play, having the exact
same toys is important, because you’re too self-
absorbed to know how to share or know that
sharing is even an option.
Parallel Play (2-3)

This is a stage when you learn to interact with
others. You go through the clumsy steps of
realizing the consequences of selfishness,
kindness, communication, etc. with others.
Interactive Play (3-6)

This stage begins the Baskin Robbins Years.
You have to taste every flavor in order to
discover which ones you like and which ones you
don’t like. You seem to drift from friend to friend,
and you have no particular preferences. You see
them equally for now, and each new flavor is
exciting and gets a different reaction. You are
open to spending time with anyone and
everyone.
Transitory Friendships (6-8)

You start to discover that you like flavors with
nuts in them - pistachio, maple walnut, butter
pecan, almond mocha. It’s not that you don’t like
other flavors or don’t appreciate differences - you
just like these better. Your friendship cluster is
accepting and more fluid. Your cluster won’t
freak out if bubble gum ice cream approaches
you on the playground. You are exploring the
beginnings of real friendships and relationships.
Friendship Clusters (8-10)

You realize that butter pecan is far away your favorite
flavor. Maple walnut comes pretty close, but nothing
else really compares. Your best friend is someone
you could spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with.
Several times, you’ve spent all day at school
together, you’ve gone home, and then you call your
friend right away. You start to understand how to act
in an intimate relationship.
But maybe you’re not built for a best friend.
Generalists never need this intimacy. If you are a
generalist, you are simply wired to appreciate all
flavors and keep social nets wide open.
Best Friends or Generalists (10-12)

You’re getting close to peers and drawing away
from adults. Your friends sometimes even
replace the stability offered by the anchor of
adults. In this confusing time, it’s sure nice being
surrounded by others that look alike, talk alike, or
act alike. You can ask your clique for advice,
advise others, report back outcomes and hear
about theirs. You feel safe in your clique’s
cocoon until, one day, you are strong enough
and independent enough to stand outside of the
group, or somewhat alone.
Cliques (12-14)

Your friends are based on shared interests,
passions, or philosophies. You can be genuine
friends with both boys and girls. Your groups are
non-exclusive, and you may belong to more than
one group. Some of your groups have cross-
over because of interest cross-over. This stage
feels like all the benefits of clusters and cliques
without the downside: acceptance, activity, and
social creativity, without insecurity, narrowness,
and meanness. You live in this social place for a
majority of your adult life.
Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+)

• What was new, interesting, or surprising?
• What stage(s) describe your children?
• How will you apply this information?
Debrief Conversations

Adolescence
“Teenagers [are like] people
constantly on LSD. People on
acid are intense, changeable,
internal, often cryptic and
uncommunicative, and, of course,
dealing with a different reality.”
Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia

Changes

Developmental Characteristics of
Adolescence
• Identity Formation
• Tenuous Sense of Self
• Self-Regulation
• Imaginary Audience
• Development of Self-Esteem
• Adolescent Egocentricism
• Importance of Peer Relationships
• Formation of Groups, Crowds and Cliques

Teen Behaviors:
Through the Lens of Autonomy
• Risk Taking
• Lies
• Boredom
• Influence of Peers
• Adolescent Decision
Making
• Arguing with Authority

Adolescent Brain Research
• Brain keeps growing and developing to age 25!
• Teen brain is a “late childhood brain”
– Capacity to learn things quickly
– Connections between different sections of the
brain aren’t fully developed yet.
– Brain is pruning and re-wiring neurons during
this time
– Amygdala is getting hyper triggered by
hormones
– Prefrontal Cortex (frontal lobe) is last place for
connections to develop.

The Two Brains
• Rational Brain and
Emotional Brain
• Both Valuable, Both
Able to Mislead
• Emotional System’s
Evolutionary Origin
Epstein. Stanford Social Innovation Review. Spring 2006.

The Emotional Brain
• Pattern Recognition
Without Conscious
Awareness
• Motivates Behavior
Change Through
Feelings, autonomic
Responses
• First Impression
• Thin Slice of
Information
Gladwell. Blink. NY: Little, Brown & Co. 2005.

Pre-Frontal Cortex: PFC
• High level reasoning
• Decision-making
• Impulse control
• Assessment of consequences
• Planning, strategizing, organizing
• Inhibiting inappropriate behavior
• Adjusting behavior when the
situation changes
• Setting priorities
• Estimating and understanding
probabilities

The Problem
• Cognitive abilities 
performance
• Analysis  primary
mode of decision-
making
• Competence  use
of that competence
Kluczynski. Child Development 2001; 72:844

PFC vs Amygdala
PFC:
Situation 
Assess 
Plan
Amygdala:
Situation 
Emotion/Feeling 
React

Peer Pressure
• Computerized risk-taking
tests done alone and while
watched by friends:
– Adults: peers have no effect
– Adolescents: peers doubles
the number of risks taken
• Brain scans at the same
time suggest presence of
friends activates a different
part of the brain
Laurence Steinberg

Implications
• They ARE capable
• Circumstances matter
• Social + Emotional +
Intellectual = Decision
• Amygdala first, PFC
last
• Gut response first,
reason second

Coaching Words:
Degrees of Relationships
• Strangers
• Acquaintances
• Target/Agent of Bullying
• Colleagues
• Teacher/Student, Boss/Employee,
Supervisor/Supervisee
• Community Members
• Friends
• Intimate Friends
• Partners
• Family

When There is Drama, DON’T
• Think “this is my fault.”
• Belittle the problem.
• Over-empathize.
• Tell them what to do.
• Become the Fix-It Parent.
• Blame the agent OR the target.
• Tell them that being nice and kind will
always lead to friends.

When There is Drama, DO
• Help them develop strong interaction and social
skills.
• Let their friendship choices be theirs, but offer to help.
• Provide opportunity/access to kids outside of school.
• Provide sanctuary, sounding board, and support.
• Role-Play difficult conversations with them.
• Give them healthy outlets for feelings.
• Respect and nurture their true selves.
• Try Teeter-Totter Parenting.
• Be a listener, not a fixer.
• Affirm your children.
• Share your stories.
• Stay Involved.

Inclusive Communities

Questions and Comments

Presenter Information
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Definition of Conflict
• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• A natural, normal part
of life

When It’s Bullying
• Uneven Power
• Harm Intended
• Repetition
• Efforts to hide from
adults
• Advocacy not changing
behaviors
• NOT natural or normal

Direct Aggression
• Direct, Angry
Words
• Physical
Fights

Alternative Aggression
• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression

Relational Aggression is when your
words/actions hurt relationships (or
threaten to hurt relationships) or make
someone feel not included or accepted.
Relational Aggression

Indirect Aggression is when your
words/actions hurt someone and but
you deny it somehow.
Indirect Aggression

Social Aggression
Social Aggression is when your
words/actions make someone feel bad
about themselves or feel like they’re
less popular in a group.

Unhealthy Conflict and
Bullying Hurts Everyone
• Folks Who Are
Targeted
• Folks who Engage
in Targeting
• Folks Who Stand By

U Prep Social Lives of Adolescents

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