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SMES Parenting with Identity in Mind

How do we learn about our various group identities like female, African American, Buddhist, homosexual, middle class, etc.? From whom do we learn the meaning of these terms? What messages have we internalized about ourselves and others? What are the differences that result in one person having a healthy self identity and another person experiencing own-group shame and hatred? Learn how we can instill positive self identity in our children and coach them to be positive influences on others' identities.  Together, we can co-create inclusive communities that work toward success for all.

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SMES Parenting with Identity in Mind

  1. 1. St. Margaret’s Episcopal School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee Seattle Girls’ School I Learned Who I Was When… Parenting with Identity Development in Mind Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  2. 2. About Seattle Girls’ School Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  3. 3. Agenda  Identity Development  How We Learn Who We Are  Parenting with Identity in Mind  Questions and Answers  Resources Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  4. 4. Disclaimers and Other Food for Thought Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  5. 5. Dimensions of Identity and Culture This model of identifiers and culture was created by Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman for NAIS Summer Diversity Institute, adapted from Loden and Rosener’s Workforce America! (1991) and from Diverse Teams at Work, Gardenswartz & Rowe (SHRM 2003). Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  6. 6. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee ( The Jones Model of Cultural Competence Cultural Self- Awareness Cultural Intelligence Cross-Cultural Effectiveness Skills Countering Oppression through Inclusion
  7. 7. Identity Development Models • All Models Have Some Value • All Models Have Some Limitations • Models Are Linear; Experiences Are Not • Some Models May Apply Across Identities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  8. 8.  Innocence and Self Esteem  Encounter and Self Doubt  Assimilation to the Majority  Immersion into Identity  Emersion  Integration Identity Development: Marginalized Identities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  9. 9.  Innocence and Self Esteem  Encounter and Confusion  Attempt to Reintegrate  Re-Encounter and Guilt  Acceptance and Action  Immersion and Emersion  Integration Identity Development: Privileged Identities Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  10. 10. How Do You Support the Identity Development Journey? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  11. 11.  Identity Frames  Intractability  Positive and Negative Encounters  Co-Authorship of Identity  Identity Socialization Identity and Cultural Inclusion Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  12. 12. Early Awareness of Difference Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee ( Age Signs 6 months Can discern racial feature differences 3 years Awareness of own and others’ gender. Beginning awareness of gender roles 5 years Desire to categorize – self, others Curiosity about meaning of differences Aware of biases 7 years Can regulate biases versus behaviors Starting to parrot adult messages 3rd grade Are aware of societal stereotypes cross group play can increase 5th grade Have internalized stereotypical messages cross group play can decrease
  13. 13. When They’re Little Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee ( Theme: Trying to Understand the World  Curiosity based questions about difference  Find out what they’re actually asking  Find out why they’re asking  Answer their questions straightforwardly  Model and coach humility, delight, and curiosity about difference  Be mindful of children’s media – it’s not always good for kids
  14. 14. In the Middle Years Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee ( Theme: Who Am I? How Do I Have Power?  “Friendship Extinction Event”  Identity search through grouping  Good and bad cliques  Open their horizons about identity  Be steady through their rollercoaster  Coach more, teach less
  15. 15. In the Later Years Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee ( Theme: My Future Place in the World  Gender and sexuality stereotypes  Power play through social status  The role of inclusivity in their college, professional, and personal lives  Charging them to “practice for the real thing”  Define values and boundaries, then accept that they will push  Be their consultant
  16. 16. Talking With Your Kids Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (  Be explicit about your values  Be open about your own struggles  Don’t stay silent  100 1-Minute Conversations  Relationship Based Interruption
  17. 17. How to Talk to Young People About Current Events  What have you heard?  How do you feel?  What questions do you have?  How can I support you?  Here are our family’s values.  What positive action can you take? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  18. 18. How to Talk to Young People About Hate and Extremism  Prepare Yourself  Be Alert  Listen  Reassure  Be Honest  Share Your Values  Take Action Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  19. 19. How to Talk to Young People After Personal Incidents  “I want to help you feel strong.”  Affection, correction, protection  Emotions are always right; not all action is always right  Avoid either/or thinking Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  20. 20. Helping Young People Talk to One Another  Create Safety and Courage  Express Feelings  Generate Questions  Share Facts  Learn More  Complicate Thinking  Take Action Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  21. 21. Assisting the Identity Search When It’s With You  Provide environments  Be accepting of identity plays  Get to know their interests  Encourage identity pride  Aid healthy self esteem  Verbalize your values  Encourage growth mindset  Ask questions  Tell your story Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  22. 22. Assisting the Identity Search When It’s With Others Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (  Encourage resources for identity development (affinity or support groups, cultural clubs, language classes, etc.)  Get to know their peers  Engage with their music, shows, online activities, and movies  Teach them about the “real world” – for real  Give them access to different kinds of people
  23. 23. Taking it Home  What did you learn today that was new, helpful, or thought provoking?  What are some goals or strategies you would like to apply with your children? Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  24. 24. Questions and Comments Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  25. 25. Presenter Information Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee 6th Faculty and Professional Outreach Seattle Girls’ School 2706 S Jackson Street Seattle WA 98144 (206) 805-6562 Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  26. 26. Identity Resources • Carlos H. Arce, “A Reconsideration of Chicano Culture and Identity” • Atkinson, Morten, & Sue, “Racial/Cultural Identity Development Model (R/CID)” • Mindy Bingham and Sandy Stryker, “Socioemotional Development for Girls” • Vivienne Cass, “Homosexual identity formation: Testing a theoretical model” • William Cross, Shades of Black: Diversity in African American Identity” • Anthony D’Augelli, “ Identity development and sexual orientation: Toward a model of lesbian, gay, and bisexual development” Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  27. 27. Identity Resources • Erik Erikson, “Eight Stages of Man” • J. E. Helms, Various Publications on Racial and Ethnic Identity Development • Jean Kim, “Processes of Asian American Identity Development” • James Maricia, “Four Ego and Identity Statuses” • Suzanne Kobasa Ouellette, “The Three C’s of Hardiness” • Jean S. Phinney, “Ethnic Identity in Adolescents and Adults: Review of the Research” • Ponterotto & Pederso, Preventing Prejudice • Maria P. P. Root, Various Works on Multiracial Identity Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  28. 28. Identity Resources • Patricia Romney, Karlene Ferron, and Jennifer Hill, “Measuring the Success of Diversity Directors in Independent Schools” • Pedro Ruiz, “Latino/a Identity Development Model” • Chalmer E. Thompson and Robert T. Carter, Racial Identity Theory • Alex Wilson, “How We Find Ourselves: Identity Development and Two Spirit People” • Christine J. Yeh, “The Collectivistic Nature of Identity Development Among Asian-American College Students” Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (
  29. 29. Miscellaneous Resources • Karen Bradberry and Johnnie Foreman, “Privilege and Power,” Summer Diversity Institute, National Association of Independent Schools, 2009 • Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, Nurture Shock • Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network) • Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference • John Medina, Brain Rules, Brain Rules for Babies • Johnnie McKinley, “Leveling the Playing Field and Raising African American Students’ Achievement in Twenty-nine Urban Classrooms,” New Horizons for Learning, mckinley.htm • Michael J Nakkula and Eric Toshalis, Understanding Youth. • Claude Steele, Whistling Vivaldi. • Shankar Vandatham, The Hidden Brain. Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (