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The Power of Speaking
- 1. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Advanced Islamic Life Skills COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY
- 2. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Communicating Effectively Session 1- Power of Listening 31st August 2014 Session 2- Power of Speaking 30th November 2014 Session 3- Conflict Resolution 25th January 2015
- 3. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training How we Communicate 3 Reading Writing Listening Speaking Not taught in schools
- 4. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Senders Receivers Barrier Aggressive speaking Non-assertive speaking Passive- Aggressive speaking Assertive speaking Passive Listening Selective Listening Attentive Listening Active Listening
- 5. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training ْۖمَُهل َنتِلِ ََاّلل َنَِمٍةَمْحَراَمِبَف ِْبلَقْلا َيظِلَغا ًَّظَف َُنتك َْولََ َۖكِلْوَح ْنِمواََُضفن ََل ُ ْْنَع ُفْعاَفو ْمَُهل ْرِفْغَتْساَو ِرْمَ ْاْل ِِف ْمُهْرِاوَشَو ِ ََاّلل َََلع ْلََكَوَتَف َتْمَزَعاَذِإَف َيِلَِكَوَتُْملا َُبِحُي َ ََاّلل ََنِإ So by mercy from Allah , you were lenient with them And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]. HUMILITY SELF RESTRAINT IN EMOTION/ PATIENCE ABANDON ASSUMPTION BE GENUINE ACTIVE RESPONSES SHARING/ VERIFYING MAKE FINAL JUDGEMENT WITHOUT TRANSGRESSING NOT TO TRANSGRESS IS REWARDING Receiving Processing Responding Outcome Communication is Act of Worship
- 6. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Power of Assertive Speaking Session 1
- 7. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Common Myths 1. You’re stuck with your voice 2. Your voice is out of your control 3. Words matter more than voice 4. Looks matter more
- 8. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training What a voice can state about a person • Physical size • Race • Birth place • Social class • Age • occupation
- 9. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Exercise 1- How do you speak! • Three people in each group – Two people talk (Speaker and Listener) – One Observer – Rotate after 3-4 minutes
- 10. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training The Messenger of Allah (saw) as a Speaker Imaam Hasan (ra) says, (my younger brother) Husayn (ra) said: "I asked my father (Sayyidina 'Ali ra) about the conduct of the Messenger of Allah (saw) in his assemblies' He replied.. the Messenger of Allah (saw) was always happy and easy mannered. There was always a smile and a sign of happiness on his blessed face. He was soft-natured and when the people needed his approval, he easily gave consent. He did not speak in a harsh tone nor was he stone-hearted. He did not scream while speaking, nor was he rude or spoke indecently. He did not seek other's faults. He never overpraised anything nor exceeded in joking, nor was he a miser. He kept away from undesirable language and did not make as if he did not hear anything. If he did not agree with the next person's wish he did not make that person feel disheartened, nor did he promise anything to that person. He completely kept himself away from three things: from arguments, pride and senseless utterances. He prohibited people from three things. He did not disgrace or insult anyone, nor look for the faults of others, he only spoke that from which reward was attained (Shamaa’il Tirmidhi)
- 11. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice Positive and Engaging Body Language How it is said What is said The physical emotion behind it
- 12. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice 1 Is speaker clear in what he/ she is saying? 2 Is speaker rushed or slow? 3 Is the voice on same volume and pitch as the listener? 4 Does speaker boom out loudly on isolated words? 5 Does speaker stop and start hesitantly with or without confidence? 1. Clarity 2. Speed 3. Volume 4. Tone 5. Pace
- 13. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Influence of voice • Robust voice • Deep voice • Fast and energetic • High pitch • Nasal speaker • Hesitation in sound confident serious quick-witted silly or naive insensitive / boorish unconfident
- 14. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training 1) Clarity • Vowels and Consonants – Consonant- can stretch to give character/ thought clarity • Fffantastic • Disssgusting • Hhhorrible – Vowels- emotion • Coool • Waaarm • smoooth
- 15. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training 2+3) Speed and Volume • Intimate encounter – Listener uncomfortable moving forward/ moving back – Similar volume – Same speed – Empathy • Breathing well – Power of voice- power of breath – Quality of voice- quality of breath • Ability to breath deeply- abdominal muscles/ diaphragm • Producing steady stream of air- blowing out candles – Breathing pitfalls
- 16. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training (4) Tone • Using the voice – Positive • Projecting • Inflection/ pitch> modulation • Sincerity in tone – Negative • Sounding uncertain • Too soft spoken • Mumbling • Too loud- harshness • Dropping voice at end • Monotonous
- 17. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training (5) Pace • Positives – Enunciate words clearly- catch the “t” – Insert pauses occasionally – Match pace with listeners pace of speaking • Negatives – Speaking too fast – Slurring words – Speaking too slowly – Excessive filler sounds- uh, um, and , ok, like
- 18. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice Positive and Engaging Body Language How it is said What is said The emotion behind it 1. Clarity 2. Speed 3. Volume 4. Tone 5. Pace
- 19. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Positive and Engaging 1 Is speaker honest, direct and constructive? 2 Is the speech short, sweet with focus and with terminology the listener understands? 3 Is the language positive? 4 Does speaker jump to conclusions or makes assumptions alot? 5 Does speaker truly engage with listener? 1. Speaking Positive 2. Avoid negative assumptions 3. Engaging the listener
- 20. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training 1) Speaking Positive • Being Powerfully Positive – Speaking positive • Honest • Direct (not blunt) • Constructive (not destructive) – Avoid sugar coating (be positive) – Emphasising what you can do- more than what you cant – Emphasising what you will do • Communicating with clarity – Short and sweet- be direct, concise, focus only and on main ideas first (less is more) – Speak so audience understands- right terminology, give numbers • Language of Solutions – Avoid language that dwells on problems “to me what is happening is...” – Try language of solutions “I disagree, but let me explain why...”
- 21. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training • Abstaining from Negatives – Avoid hinderers- loaded language (offensive) • Trigger words- – Always, never, constantly – Should, must and need to – Not, cant , wont – Maybe, try, perhaps – Promise – Policy • Trigger phrases – To be honest with you – You know what i mean – Trust me • Message negators – Now don’t take this personally – Don’t take this the wrong way – This isn’t a good idea – Respond positively
- 22. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training 2) Avoid negative assumptions- Barriers • Jumping to conclusions – Finishing people’s sentences – Interrupting before completion of someone’s message – Tuning out as soon as a person starts talking – Dismissing new idea before hearing rationale • Focussing on intentions • Thinking you know best • Stereotyping
- 23. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training 3) Engaging the Listener • Making conversations open and shut – Opening • State the topic • Identify and introduce theme • Provide context (set the scene) • State your goal • Lay the structure/ agenda • Set the tone • Prepare listener on what to do – Finish • Recapping • Stating what you need • What next • Asking for agreement/ commitment
- 24. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training • Helping listener to stay involved • Add meaning to message – Visual aids- graphs/ handouts, pictures – Showing what you mean – Telling stories • Sense to humour- (stories familiar themes make people laugh) – Things to avoid » Sarcasm » Ridicule » Off-colour jokes » Being a comedian • Getting listener to respond – Ask for response – Complement positive reinforcement- question / response – Be receptive to questions and give clear, direct answers – Avoid » Disagreement right from the beginning » Comments which criticise the question » Rambling – Try to » Paraphrase- to give you time » Provide example to clarify question » One-sentence summary » Answer question with question if challenging » Check for listeners understanding
- 25. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training • Developing plan for sensitive issues – Considerations • Who is target audience what’s important to them • Whats their hot buttons • What is their level of understanding • Timing and location • What are possible objections and negative reactions and how to address them
- 26. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Important points • What you say is important but how you say it is powerful! • most people not good listeners that’s why this is important
- 27. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training BREAK 10 minutes
- 28. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice Positive and Engaging Body Language How it is said The emotion behind it 1. Clarity 2. Speed 3. Volume 4. Tone 5. Pace 1. Speaking Positive 2. Avoid negative assumptions 3. Engaging the Listener What is said
- 29. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Body Language 1 Does speaker give good eye contact when needed? 2 Is speaker able to maintain eye contact? 3 Is the facial expression appropriate and positive? 4 Is the posture appropriate and engaging? 5 Are there any distracting habits? 1. Eye Contact 2. Body language
- 30. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training C) Eye contact – Positives • Steady eye-contact • Maintain eye-contact • Looking in the right places – Negatives • Staring/ glaring • Looking around • Darting glances • Blinking excessively • Focussing on one person • Glazing over
- 31. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training C) Body Language • Positives – Posture – Facial expressions – Hand gestures • Negatives – Slouching – Invading space – Speaking over the listener – Looking blank, stern, aggressive – No gestures – Distracting habits
- 32. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice Positive and Engaging Body Language How it is said 1. Clarity 2. Speed 3. Volume 4. Tone 5. Pace 1. Speaking Positive 2. Avoid negative assumptions 3. Engaging the Listener What is said The physical emotion behind it 1. Eye Contact 2. Body Language
- 33. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Appropriate Voice • Clarity • Speed • Volume • Tone • Pace Positive and Engaging • Speaking Positive • Avoid negative assumptions • Engaging the Listener Body Language • Eye Contact • Body Language
- 34. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training قالعنهاهلليضرالعاصنبعمرو:القومأشرَلعبوجههلقبُيوسلمعليهاهللَلصاهللرسولكان. أبوبكر؟أوخريأنااهللرسوليافقلتالقومخريأينظننتىتح َيعلوحديثهبوجههليقبكانف بكرأبوقال..عمرفقالعمر؟أوخريأنااهلليارسولفقلت.عثمان؟أوخريأنااهللرسوليافقلت عثمانقال.سألتهنكألمأينفلوددتينقفصدوسلمعليهاهللَلصاهللرسولسألتفلما 'Amr ibn al-'Aas Radiyallahu 'Anhu reports: "(Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam) gave attention, spoke and showed love to the worst person of a nation. So that, the person may feel he is being given special attention. He used to give attention, and spoke to me also in a manner, that I began to feel that I was the best among the community. (Therefore one day) I asked: 'O Messenger of Allah, am I better or is Abubakr better?' He replied: 'Abubakr'. I then asked: 'Am I better, or 'Umar?' He replied. "Umar'. I asked: 'Am I better or 'Uthmaan?' He replied: 'Uthmaan'.When I asked him these questions, Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam told me the truth. (He did not tell me I was better to keep me happy. Afterwards I felt ashamed of myself on this deed). I felt I should not have asked such a question". [Shamaa’il Tirmidhi]
- 35. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Exercise 2- Deep Dive What kind of Speaker are you? -complete the “Communication Style Survey”
- 36. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Style 1 Style 2 Style 3 Style 4 YOUR SCORE Circle highest score What is the difference between the 2 highest scores? Is it <10 or >10
- 37. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Style 1- The Director • Talks in action verbs • Cares about the bottom line • Always on the go • Speaks crisply Talks about goals • May seem insensitive Style 2- Expresser •Speaks rapidly •Uses animated gestures •Entertaining •Thinks out loud •Talks about ideas • May be imprecise
- 38. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Style 3- Thinker • Talks about details • Inquiring • Often makes lists • Speaks carefully • Wants things done “right” • May procrastinate Style 4- Harmonizer •Talks about people •Sensitive to others •Avoids conflict •Dedicated and loyal •Speaks softly •May over commit
- 39. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Highest 2nd Highest Director Expresser Thinker Harmonizer Director Dictator Initiator Explorer Persuader Expresser Charmer Entertainer Diplomat Socialiser Thinker Investigator Organiser Analyser Supporter Harmonizer Counsellor Nurturer Provider Pleaser
- 40. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training To improve communication, Directors need to: • Be more personal in their delivery - sincerity ( )اخالص • Ask more questions about other people - sincerity • Talk about their feelings - sincerity • Acknowledge and validate priorities other than their own - want for brother what wants for self • Show patience - sabr ()صرب • Have empathy - empathy ()تعاطف • Admit their fallibility - humility (ع )خشو
- 41. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training To improve communication, Expressers need to: • Be more precise and analytical in their approach to problems - control nafs • Follow through and complete projects - sabr • Learn to manage time by planning daily - sabr • Set priorities and focus on them - sabr, sincerity • Avoid wasting time – theirs or anyone else’s - sabr, sincerety
- 42. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training To improve communication, Thinkers need to: • Focus on the big picture not just the details -sabr, sincerity • Ask only relevant questions - ask what benefits and don’t ask too many questions • Once a decision is made put it behind them - tawakkul • Focus on deadlines - sabr, sa’a • Expect the unexpected - tawakkul ( ّلك)تو • Communicate the full scope of the problem not just one aspect- want for brother what wants for self
- 43. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training To improve communication, Harmonizers need to: • Keep work issues separate from personal issues tawakkul • Remember it is not always important to be liked - tawakkul • Learn to say “No” and to argue their position - sabr, sincerity • Prioritize tasks - sabr, sincerity • Address problems in a bottom-line fashion- tawakkul
- 44. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Spiritual Illness Manifestation Symptoms/ Emotion or Feelings PRIDE/ ARROGANCE (kibr) HUMILITY (Khushu’) Jealousy hasad Ungratefulness batar Greed hirs Heedlessness ghafl Show riya’ Miserliness bukhl Vanity ujb Generosity Gratitude Patience Contentment Selflessness Righteousness Anger ghadb Jest mazah Hatred bughd Boasting fakhr
- 45. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: “...the whole body warns the tongue saying, “Fear Allah concerning us, for we are (dependant) upon you. If you are upright then we will be upright and if you are corrupt then we will be corrupt.” - Sunan at-Tirmidhi Abu Hurairah (ra) also reported that the Prophet (saw) said, “Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s pleasure is gained and the servant does not realise it, Allah will raise him up levels. Indeed a servant may say a word from which Allah’s displeasure is gained and he does not realize it, Allah will put him in Jahanam due to it.” - Sahih al-Bukhari
- 46. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Imaam Husayn (ra) says: 'I asked (my father) regarding the coming out of the Messenger of Allah (saw)’. He replied: The Messenger of Allah (saw) controlled his tongue and only spoke that which was necessary. He did not waste his time in useless conversations. He made those who came to visit him feel at home he did not make them feel scared or ill at ease. (i.e. When advising them, he did not scold them in a manner that they become scared, or tell them such things that would keep them away from the deen). He respected and honoured the respected ones of every nation. He also chose a leader for them. He warned the people of Allah's punishment (or he emphasised that the people be cautious). He also protected himself from troubling or harming people. Besides being cautious and commanding others to be cautious, he never lacked in courtesy towards others. He was concerned for the affairs of his friends, made himself aware about the relationships between them and rectified their faults. He praised good deeds and encouraged them. He explained the harmful effects of bad things and removed and stopped these.
- 47. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training خريااهللكم زاج
- 48. المقصود Al-Maqsûd Islamic Life Skills Training Next Session •Session 3- Conflict Resolution 25th January 2015