Conflict is not always a bad thing and even when it is, it can be transformed into something good.

1. Conflict Transformation
understanding the difference
between healthy & unhealthy conflict

5. CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION:
A SUMMARY
Real freedom
is the ability to pause
between
a stimulus – and – a response
and in that pause,
choose.
Rolo May

6. STEPS IN CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION
Step 1 – Reflection and Centering
Step 2 – Setting the Tone
Step 3 – Sharing Perspectives
Step 4 – Building Understanding
Step 5 – Closure and Agreements

7. STEP 1 – REFLECTION AND CENTERING
• Both parties come together for dialogue
– Focus is on understanding/building trust, not argument/persuasion.
– Christ’s love for us (not our agreement) is the basis for Christian
community.
• Both parties step back & prayerfully reflect on the situation.
– When do I feel “pinched” in our relationship (what specific actions
result in what specific feelings)?
– Recognize that the other party may feel similarly “pinched.”
• Both parties prayerfully consider their own intentions,
interests, & hopes for the dialogue.
– Recognize that the other party also has good intentions.

8. STEP 2 – SETTING THE TONE
• Both parties come together in a neutral (perhaps sacred)
space, perhaps with a neutral third party.
• Both parties agree on what the topic of the dialogue is
about.
• Both parties prayerfully state their hope/intention for a
positive outcome.
• Both parties acknowledge the other’s good intentions.

9. STEP 3 – SHARING PERSPECTIVES
• Each party describes the situation, using “I messages.”
– “When you _[behavior]___, I feel _[feeling]_____.”
– “The meaning I take from our disagreement is _________________.”
– “What is at the heart of this for me is _______________.”
• Before responding, each party briefly paraphrases feelings &
facts heard, & asks for clarification.
– “What I hear you saying is _[paraphrase of what you heard]____.”
– “Am I understanding that clearly, the way you meant it?”
• Both parties acknowledge responsibility for conflict &
outcome.
• Each party specifically describes perspective of the situation.

10. STEP 4 – BUILDING UNDERSTANDING
(Addressing Multiple Issues)
• Parties list the issues still to be addressed, writing them
down in neutral language.
• Parties discuss one issue at a time. For each issue:
– check out assumptions (intent -> [a1] -> action -> [a2] -> effect)
– explore underlying interests.

11. STEP 5 – CLOSURE AND AGREEMENTS
• Parties mutually generate options for each issue.
• Parties creatively develop solutions that both can agree to.
• Parties summarize and clarify agreements.
• Parties determine the agreement details.

12. CONFLICT TRANSFORMATION TIPS
• Accept that conflicts are a natural part of life.
• Treat conflict as an opportunity for transformation.
• Respect each other at beloved children of God.
• Understand that your assumptions about others’ intentions
may be incorrect.
• Be aware of your initial reaction, own your feelings, share.
• Actively listen: hear, reflect, seek to understand.
• Discover common interests. Positions tend to clouded them.
• Be creative, chose your approach. In Christ all possibilities are
open & you always have a choice.