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F'ing Ides of
March
by
Cheryl Laughlin
FADE IN:
EXT. APARTMENT DOORWAY - NIGHT
LEAH FRANCIS, 21, is an unstoppable club gazelle... well,
maybe not tonight. This impaired gazelle refuses to give up
her half-full beer while smashing her key into the lock.
Fuck it. She plops into the corner beside her door.
Phone BUZZES. Text from Ali: "Home safe?"
Leah types back: "We're immune, baby!"
Adds: "C U tomorrow."
Set of feet shuffle around her. Leah looks up at a tired
KYLE PORTER, 30s, still in paramedic blues, as he pulls his
mask down and lets himself in apartment two doors over.
KYLE
See you're finally taking this safer
at home seriously.
Leah raises her beer.
LEAH
Serious about keeping the party going.
Been all over the city.
Kyle turns toward Leah. See S.F. STRONG patch on sleeve.
KYLE
Hope that frontal cortex gels up
soon. Be safe.
LEAH
(raises glass again)
See you tomorrow. Same time, same
corona channel.
Kyle closes his door, leaving Leah to sulk.
DOOR DASH GUY steps through and knocks on Kyle's door.
LEAH
Oh, hey... He's in the shower. Said
just leave it outside.
Door Dash Guy hesitates, drops bag in front of door, leaves.
Leah crawls over. Reads note scrawled on bag: "THANKS, KYLE,
YOU EARNED THESE TONIGHT. โ€“ STATION 10 " Drags bag to her
door and rips open -- a dozen tacos. Snags one.
2.
LEAH
Mmmmm, Kyle, you definitely earned
these.
As Leah munches down, Kyle opens door. Leah raises taco.
LEAH
Is it tomorrow already? Just playin'.
(stands up, reaches
out)
These are for you.
KYLE
(waves her away)
It's not you, it's me.
LEAH
What the hell is that supposed to
mean?
KYLE
It means, I'm exhausted from trying
to help everyone. And I don't have
the energy to keep you safe too.
Kyle shuts his door.
LEAH
Please, I'm rockin' this pandemic.
Leah forces her door open and falls inside, taco bag in hand.
LATER
Leah snaps awake from text DING. She's outside her apartment
in the same outfit as yesterday. Looks at phone...
Text from Ali: "Home safe?"
Weird. Leah types back: "Didn't you get my text?"
Feet shuffle around her. Leah looks up as Kyle pulls mask
down as lets himself in his apartment.
KYLE
See you're finally taking this safer
at home seriously.
Leah raises her hand but no beer bottle now.
3.
LEAH
(uncertain)
Serious about... keeping the party
going. Been all over the city.
Kyle turns toward Leah.
KYLE
Hope that frontal cortex...
LEAH/KYLE
...gels up soon. Be safe.
Kyle hesitates before closing door, leaving Leah confused.
Door Dash Guy steps around her and knocks on Kyle's door.
LEAH
Hey, those tacos for Kyle?
DOOR DASH GUY
(knocking)
Yeah. Is he home?
LEAH
Give him a couple Mississippi's.
Door Dash Guy shrugs, drops bag in front of door. Kyle opens
door and picks up bag.
KYLE
(holding up taco bag)
I'd share but --
LEAH/KYLE
-- it's not you, it's me.
KYLE
You okay?
Leah waves him away to text Ali: "Weird night?"
Ali text back: "Still trippin' over Ides of March?"
Leah talks as texts: "That was yesterday, you freak.:)"
Ali back: "???"
Leah looks at date on phone: "March 15." Shoves into her
APARTMENT
and flips laptop open. Clicks date. Yep, March 15.
4.
LEAH
Okay, relax. Google this shit.
Leah talks as types into Google search bar.
LEAH
Day on repeat. Let's see...
Scans top searches on laptop screen:
-- "... going crazy during coronavirus?"
-- "... stop drinking before noon."
-- "... stuck in a Groundhog Day?"
LEAH
(clicking link)
Hey, Zombieland guy.
On laptop: Flash of Bill Murray scenes from Groundhog Day.
Scans article underneath.
LEAH
Stuck... blah blah blah. Until
selfless act. What the --
3RD LATER
LEAH
-- fuck!
Leah spins around -- back in front of her apartment door.
Notices press-on nail on middle finger missing now. Feels
ear, big hoop earring gone too. Weird.
Kyle walks past and notices Leah's mini freak out.
LEAH
I'm selfless. I tip my barista.
KYLE
Okay...
LEAH
Kyle, it's Leah. We spoke yesterday.
KYLE
No. We never speak. You're mostly,
you know, preoccupied.
5.
LEAH
The Universe is pissed at me.
(holds up middle finger)
See?
KYLE
Yeah, looks like a rough day. Good
night, Leah.
Leah stands in the hallway and turns.
4TH LATER
Now Leah is missing her boots.
LEAH
Come on, those were vintage Doc
Martens. I just broke them in.
Kyle walks past to see her talking to herself.
LEAH
Oh, Kyle, wait a sec.
Leah keys into her apartment. Hear Leah crashing around.
LEAH (O.S.)
Selfless... selfless... selfless.
Leah rushes out -- six pack of beer and bags of pork rinds
in hand.
LEAH
(places six feet
between them)
Please, take these. The best
artisanal beer... see, won some kind
of biergarten award in Fresno. Must
be good. And these pork rinds are
bona fide. See, farm-to-fork, snout-
to-tail promise. That's gotta be
important, right? They're all yours.
My treat.
Leah smiles, a bit crazed. This is it.
KYLE
Thanks, but I'm two years sober and
Jewish.
LEAH
Fuuuuu --
6.
5TH LATER
LEAH
--cccccckkkk.
Leah back at front door. Feels her hands... all her press-
on nails are gone. Leah keys into apartment. Hear whole
place being torn apart.
LEAH (O.S.)
All right, Universe, I got you now
fucker.
Leah rushes out just as Kyle walks past -- bags of holiday
chocolate in hand.
LEAH
Hey, Ky... I mean, hey you. I know
I was holding out before, but I'm
ready to get real. This is selfless.
Leah's arms are filled with bags of Easter candy.
LEAH
Here, take it. Take it all. I
shouldn't have hoarded it early.
Leah piles candy a few feet away from a shocked Kyle.
LEAH
Wait, wait, wait.
Leah runs into her apartment. Dashes out with super-size
Hershey's Kiss.
LEAH
(talking to air)
I forgot, I forgot. You can't hold
that against me.
KYLE
Okay, that is so... generous. But I
don't eat sugar. Gotta stay fit for
my job.
That's it. Leah loses it.
LEAH
What the fuck? You don't drink, you
don't eat pork, and now you're telling
me you don't eat sugar too? Know
what? You're right.
(MORE)
7.
LEAH (cont'd)
It's definitely not me, it's you.
You're the one trapping me in this
day. You're selfish.
KYLE
Okay, you need to breathe. Self
isolation is tough. Try some deep
yoga breaths.
LEAH
Fuck yoga. Fuck breathing. And
fuck --
6TH LATER
LEAH (O.S.)
-- me.
Leah runs up -- rings, necklace, and nose ring gone. Holds
out huge wheel of cheese toward Kyle. Kyle waves thanks but --
motions upsets his stomach.
7TH LATER
Leah runs up -- one sock gone.
Holds out high-end espresso maker with bag of expensive coffee
beans balanced on top. Kyle waves thanks but -- reaches in
apartment, shakes big box of Keurig coffee pods.
8TH LATER
Leah rushes in, confident -- although not seeing too well
since her glasses have disappeared.
This is it. Mega rolls of toilet paper. Leah offers them
up like Simba in the Lion King. Kyle pushes apartment door
open further.
Leah squints -- son of a -- Costco-size packages of TP.
Kyle gives her the all-good thumbs up.
SUPER - 15th MARCH 15
Leah sits in corner outside her apartment -- jacket gone,
crazed hair from hair extensions disappearing, purse gone
with nothing but phone and apartment key left.
Soft tears. Tiny cry that rolls through her.
Tired, Kyle walks past and lowers mask to key into his
apartment. He looks over.
8.
KYLE
Hey, hey... it's not you --
LEAH
I know, it's me.
KYLE
No, no, I meant it's this fucking
virus.
LEAH
Wow, that's the first time I've heard
you swear.
KYLE
Well, I guess we've never really
talked before.
LEAH
Yeah.
Kyle sits down outside his apartment door. Looks over.
Leah breaks the silence.
LEAH
I think the Universe is erasing me
because I didn't take this whole
thing seriously.
KYLE
Come on. Be nice to yourself. That's
what everyone thinks right now.
LEAH
No, really... never mind. Doesn't
matter.
Leah straightens up. Looks at Kyle.
LEAH
How's your day been? You seem to be
keeping it together.
KYLE
I do until I get to the other side
of this door.
LEAH
Really?
9.
KYLE
(breaking a bit)
Yeah, there's no training for this.
I'm making it up every time we roll.
I don't even know what day it is.
LEAH
I get that.
KYLE
(looks at phone)
I started a photo journal just to
stay sane.
LEAH
Can I see?
KYLE
Oh, okay, sure.
Kyle pulls up album on phone and places it part way toward
Leah. Hits play and sits back. Leah leans forward to see...
MONTAGE OF HOSPITAL IMAGES
-- Tough images of sick people on stretchers... being
separated from loved ones.
-- Few smiles break through... from nurses, doctors, janitors.
-- Blur of masks, from people on sidewalks to lines outside
grocery stores.
-- Finally, nurses clap as triumphant grandma waves as she
leaves hospital in wheelchair.
Leah leans back for Kyle to get his phone.
LEAH
Thank you. Really. I wish I could
do more.
KYLE
You're doing it. Just be a human
first.
(standing up)
Good night...
LEAH
Oh, I'm Leah.
KYLE
Good night, Leah.
10.
LEAH
Good night, Kyle.
Confused look from Kyle.
LEAH
Oh... my best friend is a Kyle. You
remind me of him.
As Kyle leaves, Leah pulls out phone.
Text to Ali: "Stay home... please."
Leah steps inside apartment. Flash of paper and Sharpie.
16TH LATER
No Leah outside. Sign on door: "LET'S HOWL IT OUT. 8 P.M.
#STAYSTRONG"
Hear howl from inside Leah's apartment...
Loud howl from Kyle's apartment joins in...
More and more howls, cutting through the night.
FADE OUT.

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F'ing Ides of March by C. Laughlin

  • 2. FADE IN: EXT. APARTMENT DOORWAY - NIGHT LEAH FRANCIS, 21, is an unstoppable club gazelle... well, maybe not tonight. This impaired gazelle refuses to give up her half-full beer while smashing her key into the lock. Fuck it. She plops into the corner beside her door. Phone BUZZES. Text from Ali: "Home safe?" Leah types back: "We're immune, baby!" Adds: "C U tomorrow." Set of feet shuffle around her. Leah looks up at a tired KYLE PORTER, 30s, still in paramedic blues, as he pulls his mask down and lets himself in apartment two doors over. KYLE See you're finally taking this safer at home seriously. Leah raises her beer. LEAH Serious about keeping the party going. Been all over the city. Kyle turns toward Leah. See S.F. STRONG patch on sleeve. KYLE Hope that frontal cortex gels up soon. Be safe. LEAH (raises glass again) See you tomorrow. Same time, same corona channel. Kyle closes his door, leaving Leah to sulk. DOOR DASH GUY steps through and knocks on Kyle's door. LEAH Oh, hey... He's in the shower. Said just leave it outside. Door Dash Guy hesitates, drops bag in front of door, leaves. Leah crawls over. Reads note scrawled on bag: "THANKS, KYLE, YOU EARNED THESE TONIGHT. โ€“ STATION 10 " Drags bag to her door and rips open -- a dozen tacos. Snags one.
  • 3. 2. LEAH Mmmmm, Kyle, you definitely earned these. As Leah munches down, Kyle opens door. Leah raises taco. LEAH Is it tomorrow already? Just playin'. (stands up, reaches out) These are for you. KYLE (waves her away) It's not you, it's me. LEAH What the hell is that supposed to mean? KYLE It means, I'm exhausted from trying to help everyone. And I don't have the energy to keep you safe too. Kyle shuts his door. LEAH Please, I'm rockin' this pandemic. Leah forces her door open and falls inside, taco bag in hand. LATER Leah snaps awake from text DING. She's outside her apartment in the same outfit as yesterday. Looks at phone... Text from Ali: "Home safe?" Weird. Leah types back: "Didn't you get my text?" Feet shuffle around her. Leah looks up as Kyle pulls mask down as lets himself in his apartment. KYLE See you're finally taking this safer at home seriously. Leah raises her hand but no beer bottle now.
  • 4. 3. LEAH (uncertain) Serious about... keeping the party going. Been all over the city. Kyle turns toward Leah. KYLE Hope that frontal cortex... LEAH/KYLE ...gels up soon. Be safe. Kyle hesitates before closing door, leaving Leah confused. Door Dash Guy steps around her and knocks on Kyle's door. LEAH Hey, those tacos for Kyle? DOOR DASH GUY (knocking) Yeah. Is he home? LEAH Give him a couple Mississippi's. Door Dash Guy shrugs, drops bag in front of door. Kyle opens door and picks up bag. KYLE (holding up taco bag) I'd share but -- LEAH/KYLE -- it's not you, it's me. KYLE You okay? Leah waves him away to text Ali: "Weird night?" Ali text back: "Still trippin' over Ides of March?" Leah talks as texts: "That was yesterday, you freak.:)" Ali back: "???" Leah looks at date on phone: "March 15." Shoves into her APARTMENT and flips laptop open. Clicks date. Yep, March 15.
  • 5. 4. LEAH Okay, relax. Google this shit. Leah talks as types into Google search bar. LEAH Day on repeat. Let's see... Scans top searches on laptop screen: -- "... going crazy during coronavirus?" -- "... stop drinking before noon." -- "... stuck in a Groundhog Day?" LEAH (clicking link) Hey, Zombieland guy. On laptop: Flash of Bill Murray scenes from Groundhog Day. Scans article underneath. LEAH Stuck... blah blah blah. Until selfless act. What the -- 3RD LATER LEAH -- fuck! Leah spins around -- back in front of her apartment door. Notices press-on nail on middle finger missing now. Feels ear, big hoop earring gone too. Weird. Kyle walks past and notices Leah's mini freak out. LEAH I'm selfless. I tip my barista. KYLE Okay... LEAH Kyle, it's Leah. We spoke yesterday. KYLE No. We never speak. You're mostly, you know, preoccupied.
  • 6. 5. LEAH The Universe is pissed at me. (holds up middle finger) See? KYLE Yeah, looks like a rough day. Good night, Leah. Leah stands in the hallway and turns. 4TH LATER Now Leah is missing her boots. LEAH Come on, those were vintage Doc Martens. I just broke them in. Kyle walks past to see her talking to herself. LEAH Oh, Kyle, wait a sec. Leah keys into her apartment. Hear Leah crashing around. LEAH (O.S.) Selfless... selfless... selfless. Leah rushes out -- six pack of beer and bags of pork rinds in hand. LEAH (places six feet between them) Please, take these. The best artisanal beer... see, won some kind of biergarten award in Fresno. Must be good. And these pork rinds are bona fide. See, farm-to-fork, snout- to-tail promise. That's gotta be important, right? They're all yours. My treat. Leah smiles, a bit crazed. This is it. KYLE Thanks, but I'm two years sober and Jewish. LEAH Fuuuuu --
  • 7. 6. 5TH LATER LEAH --cccccckkkk. Leah back at front door. Feels her hands... all her press- on nails are gone. Leah keys into apartment. Hear whole place being torn apart. LEAH (O.S.) All right, Universe, I got you now fucker. Leah rushes out just as Kyle walks past -- bags of holiday chocolate in hand. LEAH Hey, Ky... I mean, hey you. I know I was holding out before, but I'm ready to get real. This is selfless. Leah's arms are filled with bags of Easter candy. LEAH Here, take it. Take it all. I shouldn't have hoarded it early. Leah piles candy a few feet away from a shocked Kyle. LEAH Wait, wait, wait. Leah runs into her apartment. Dashes out with super-size Hershey's Kiss. LEAH (talking to air) I forgot, I forgot. You can't hold that against me. KYLE Okay, that is so... generous. But I don't eat sugar. Gotta stay fit for my job. That's it. Leah loses it. LEAH What the fuck? You don't drink, you don't eat pork, and now you're telling me you don't eat sugar too? Know what? You're right. (MORE)
  • 8. 7. LEAH (cont'd) It's definitely not me, it's you. You're the one trapping me in this day. You're selfish. KYLE Okay, you need to breathe. Self isolation is tough. Try some deep yoga breaths. LEAH Fuck yoga. Fuck breathing. And fuck -- 6TH LATER LEAH (O.S.) -- me. Leah runs up -- rings, necklace, and nose ring gone. Holds out huge wheel of cheese toward Kyle. Kyle waves thanks but -- motions upsets his stomach. 7TH LATER Leah runs up -- one sock gone. Holds out high-end espresso maker with bag of expensive coffee beans balanced on top. Kyle waves thanks but -- reaches in apartment, shakes big box of Keurig coffee pods. 8TH LATER Leah rushes in, confident -- although not seeing too well since her glasses have disappeared. This is it. Mega rolls of toilet paper. Leah offers them up like Simba in the Lion King. Kyle pushes apartment door open further. Leah squints -- son of a -- Costco-size packages of TP. Kyle gives her the all-good thumbs up. SUPER - 15th MARCH 15 Leah sits in corner outside her apartment -- jacket gone, crazed hair from hair extensions disappearing, purse gone with nothing but phone and apartment key left. Soft tears. Tiny cry that rolls through her. Tired, Kyle walks past and lowers mask to key into his apartment. He looks over.
  • 9. 8. KYLE Hey, hey... it's not you -- LEAH I know, it's me. KYLE No, no, I meant it's this fucking virus. LEAH Wow, that's the first time I've heard you swear. KYLE Well, I guess we've never really talked before. LEAH Yeah. Kyle sits down outside his apartment door. Looks over. Leah breaks the silence. LEAH I think the Universe is erasing me because I didn't take this whole thing seriously. KYLE Come on. Be nice to yourself. That's what everyone thinks right now. LEAH No, really... never mind. Doesn't matter. Leah straightens up. Looks at Kyle. LEAH How's your day been? You seem to be keeping it together. KYLE I do until I get to the other side of this door. LEAH Really?
  • 10. 9. KYLE (breaking a bit) Yeah, there's no training for this. I'm making it up every time we roll. I don't even know what day it is. LEAH I get that. KYLE (looks at phone) I started a photo journal just to stay sane. LEAH Can I see? KYLE Oh, okay, sure. Kyle pulls up album on phone and places it part way toward Leah. Hits play and sits back. Leah leans forward to see... MONTAGE OF HOSPITAL IMAGES -- Tough images of sick people on stretchers... being separated from loved ones. -- Few smiles break through... from nurses, doctors, janitors. -- Blur of masks, from people on sidewalks to lines outside grocery stores. -- Finally, nurses clap as triumphant grandma waves as she leaves hospital in wheelchair. Leah leans back for Kyle to get his phone. LEAH Thank you. Really. I wish I could do more. KYLE You're doing it. Just be a human first. (standing up) Good night... LEAH Oh, I'm Leah. KYLE Good night, Leah.
  • 11. 10. LEAH Good night, Kyle. Confused look from Kyle. LEAH Oh... my best friend is a Kyle. You remind me of him. As Kyle leaves, Leah pulls out phone. Text to Ali: "Stay home... please." Leah steps inside apartment. Flash of paper and Sharpie. 16TH LATER No Leah outside. Sign on door: "LET'S HOWL IT OUT. 8 P.M. #STAYSTRONG" Hear howl from inside Leah's apartment... Loud howl from Kyle's apartment joins in... More and more howls, cutting through the night. FADE OUT.