1) Paramedics Quinn and Brian are called to assist with an emergency home water birth. They arrive to find the very pregnant Cindy in a kiddie pool, being coached by male doula Barney. 2) After some resistance, Quinn gets in the pool to deliver the baby as Cindy's husband Andrew threatens them with a crossbow. Brian disarms Andrew. 3) Quinn successfully delivers a baby boy. He cradles and bonds with the infant before handing it to the mother. Quinn leaves covered in afterbirth, advising the parents to take good care of their child.

1. NOT MY EMERGENCY
Written by
Matt Conlin
Six pages for Six-Page Scripts

2. INT. AMBULANCE - MOVING - NIGHT
Paramedics QUINN and BRIAN drive along.
A LEVIATHAN OF A MAN appears in the middle of the street.
Tires SCREECH as Quinn launches forward. The rig comes to a
stop and settles. Quinn’s torso rests on top of the dash.
QUINN
I think I just pooped my left
kidney. Yes, it was definitely the
left one.
OUTSIDE THE RIG
The leviathan is BARNEY (36) a jolly guy in a safari vest.
He runs around the front and approaches Brian’s window.
BARNEY
Glad I saw you guys. I’m Barney,
the doula with this case.
He shakes Brian’s hand, climbs in through the window.
As he sprawls over Brian, we see he is DRIPPING WET.
BARNEY (CONT'D)
She’s crowning, gentlemen.
He finds Quinn’s hand and forces a moist handshake.
QUINN
Can’t help you right now, we’ve got
our own emergency--
BRIAN
(Re: Barney)
--What’d you do with Buttercup?!
Tell me now, Fezzik!
BARNEY
This is an emergency! Delivery is
imminent! A child is coming into
this world!
QUINN
Don’t doulas deliver the kid?
Barney slides out the window, wrings out his vest.
BARNEY
We support and assist, but do not
deliver. See you guys inside!

3. 2.
Barney scampers away from the ambulance.
QUINN
You ever hear of a male doula?
BRIAN
I don’t believe in magic--
There’s no time for this. It
doesn’t get back our drugs.
QUINN
No, it doesn’t.
Quinn sighs and motions for Brian to turn the rig around.
BRIAN
When Buttercup tumbled after
Westley, do you think it was true
love, or do you think she was maybe
trying to get rid of Humperdink Jr?
Both? PRINCESS BRIDE was so good.
QUINN
IS good. Nah, I really do think it
was true love. Only good reason to
do anything, I guess?
Brian shrugs and begins to pull around the rig.
INT. ANDREW AND CINDY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
LOTR, STAR TREK and other memorabilia decorate the space.
An INFLATABLE KIDS’ POOL is in the center of the room.
In the water, Barney coaches CINDY (35) on her breathing.
She is remarkably pregnant.
Her white dress billows in the pool as she hyperventilates.
Brian and Quinn slog their bags through the front door.
BRIAN
(Re: the room)
It’s Narnia... We made it...
ANDREW (38), her husband, scampers toward Quinn.
ANDREW
My wife is having a home water
birth! There is a baby! She has a
baby.
Andrew wears New Balance shoes for purpose, not fashion.
2.

4. 3.
QUINN
Ma’am, we can get this done, but we
need you out of the water.
Contractions ensue. Andrew slinks off to another room.
Barney’s safari vest floats in the water as he coaches.
BARNEY
Big breaths, Cinders.
CINDY
My child is having a gentle
entrance into this world. We want
the birthing ponnnnnnnd!
The contractions demand a water birth as she WAILS.
BRIAN
It’s not a pond. It’s a Walmart
bath tub. Definitely not a pond.
QUINN
Compromise, Cinders. We really
don’t have time.
Andrew bolts into the room with an ANTIQUE CROSSBOW.
ANDREW
There is a plan. We have a
structure. There is a baby in her!
CINDY
Take charge, Andrew!
QUINN
A crossbow?
Andrew flails with the weapon as he shouts orders.
ANDREW
--Take the baby out of her!
Quinn mouths, “Take the baby out?” Brian turns to Quinn.
BRIAN
I hate water. This is your journey.
Quinn disrobes. His physique is a tiny step above the type of
guy that wears a shirt during sex.
ANDREW
Get in the fucking pool!
3.

5. 4.
Brian mimics Andrew’s panic perfectly.
BRIAN
Get in the fucking pool!
(To Andrew)
But in all seriousness, We have
other patients and we have shit to--
--Quinn reveals elaborate, form-fitting underwear.
BRIAN (CONT'D)
(Re: underwear)
--I had no idea.
QUINN
I like to treat myself.
Andrew drops to Cindy’s side. The weapon is trained on Quinn.
Quinn enters the water. With him, Barney, and Cindy it’s
pretty crowded in the kiddie pool.
It was weird a minute ago, now it’s just fucking bizarre. The
water adds an unflattering sheen to Quinn’s body.
BRIAN
You look like David Beckham
...If he had wider hips and was...
smooth. Your body needs soccer.
Quinn gets on his knees in front of Cindy.
Barney floats to the side and holds her hand.
Quinn fends off Cindy’s dress to find the birth canal.
QUINN
You borrow this dress from a sister
wife-- Opp, and there’s the head.
(forgot to put on)
Gloves?
Brian tosses him gloves. Wet hands hinder Quinn’s effort to
don the latex.
QUINN (CONT'D)
Cindy, I need you to focus. I can
feel the head. Next time you push
we can get your baby out.
Cindy starts speaking in tongues. Brian sneaks behind Andrew.
Andrew, Barney, Cindy, and even Brian breathe in unison as
they brace for contractions.
4.

6. 5.
Brian stretches out one of his quads and--
--WHACK! He fires a roundhouse kick to Andrew’s liver. The
blow sends the crossbow to the floor.
Brian snatches the weapon and fires it at the wall.
The arrow falls limply along with Andrew as he wheezes.
ANDREW
It’s not real. We cosplay!
Cindy yells. The pool begins to turn crimson with the birth.
Barney takes notice and tosses his safari vest aside.
BRIAN
We’re being nice and you threaten
us with a crossbow? I’m keeping
this for my next Renaissance fair.
Quinn lifts a BABY BOY out of the water and wipes him off.
After a few seconds, he lets out a cry.
QUINN
Huh, how about that?
Quinn cradles the baby, looks down. A smile forms.
Cindy appears to GLOW as she looks upon Quinn.
CINDY
You’re so beautiful. I promise
we’ll never leave you, son.
QUINN
Really?
Cindy scrunches her face. That wasn’t meant for Quinn. Shit.
CINDY
My baby, how is he?
QUINN
He’s uh, he’s perfect...
The cord is still attached, asshole... Quinn snaps out of it.
QUINN (CONT'D)
Oh yeah.
(to Andrew)
You wanna cut the--?
ANDREW
--I have a katana--
5.

7. 6.
QUINN
--Absolutely not. Not appropriate,
Andy. You just sit this one out.
Quinn cuts the cord and continues to stare at the baby.
QUINN (CONT'D)
I think this is the best thing I’ve
ever done... Thank you...
CINDY
Give me my fucking baby.
Quinn stammers and begins to hand over the child.
QUINN
Right! Okay Cinders, skin-to-skin
and, uh, Congratulations.
Quinn smiles. He’s COVERED IN AFTERBIRTH.
She looks apprehensively at Brian.
BRIAN
I looked straight into a man’s
asshole the other day. I used to
think that was the fulcrum of the
human experience. I was wrong--
Congrats! He’s a good looking kid.
Brian grabs a blanket and holds it over Cindy. Quinn places
the baby on her breast. He watches the child nurse, makes
sure it latches appropriately.
QUINN
Good.
Quinn stands in his underwear, shimmering, and covered in
afterbirth. He addresses the new parents as earnestly as one
can in his current state of undress.
QUINN (CONT'D)
That kid needs you. You HAVE to be
there for him. You guys... Do a
good job. Whatever you are right
now, be better... Don’t ruin him.
Barney puts his free hand up to shoo Quinn away.
QUINN (CONT'D)
Strong work, Blues Traveler.
He gives Barney an afterbirth-slathered high-five and
stumbles out of the pool.
6.