A short screenplay featured on the Six-Page Scripts podcast.

1. P.C.U.
Pet Crimes Unit
Sam Brilhart

2. COLD OPEN
INT. SOUTH LA ANIMAL SHELTER
MING THANKSGIVING, a French Bulldog, a cross breed of mean
and insecure that doesn’t apologize for much who’s know more
for her bad accidents then her good deeds walks down the
hallway of an animal shelter in a chain leash being led by a
DOG CATCHER.
INT. ANIMAL SHELTER INTERROGATION ROOM
Ming is chained to a chair in the room as OFFICER CHIN
enters.
OFFICER CHIN
Sit.
MING
I’m better at disobeying people.
OFFICER CHIN
Is that why you attack three human
beings while impersonating a
service dog? This crime reeks of
your slobber, Ming.
MING
Eat a tick, Chin.
OFFICER CHIN
With your priors, after the spit
tests come back from the
lab, you’ll be put down.
MING
I bet you’d like to see me in
another kind of choke collar. I’d
look cute as hell.
OFFICER CHIN
Being cute and cuddly won’t help
you at your arraignment.
MING
Wanna bet? No one can resist these
puppy dog eyes.
OFFICER CHIN
Not if they were to turn black and
blue over night.
(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED: 2.
Ming’s face goes soft and her eyes well.
MING
I’m shaking in my paws.
OFFICER CHIN
I just wish I could get in one shot
before the judge takes his.
MING
Bite me.
INT. COURTHOUSE
THE JUDGE resides over an empty courtroom. MING sits with
her court appointed LAWYER. The D.A. sits across from them.
JUDGE
You’re charged with a crime against
humanity. A vicious attack on three
human beings while impersonating a
service dog on the night of August
5th in Van Nuys, California. How do
you plead?
MING
It was self defense. Whatever.
Let’s get this over with.
CHAD THANKSGIVING, St. Bernard, a responsible and stable
father, bursts through the door of the courthouse with his
two sons MIDNIGHT, friendly, naïve, gullible and a seeing
eye trained Rottweiler, and TONY, a needy and impulsive
Golden Retriever, who’s loving and dumb more than anything
else.
CHAD
Your honor, I object.
JUDGE
Chad Thanksgiving, you were booted
from the police force and banned
from showing your mug in court. Bad
dog.
CHAD
She’s my biological daughter. I
couldn’t sit on my hind legs for
this.
(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED: 3.
MING
I’ve never seen this dog in my
life. He looks like he’d lock me
in his basement.
TONY
Not dad. He’s a saint. I’m your
half brother, Tony. Excited to meet
you! Want to sniff butts?
MING
Gross. Get away from me. I’d
rather go to the pound. Why does
this one smell strange?
CHAD
I’ve been tracking you through your
mother. She’s know you were here
for years.
MING
I should have know I was being
tracked.
CHAD
Judge, you know my agency has a
stray program. Please agree to give
her probation then she could come
work with us at PCU.
D.A.
Your honor, don’t let this criminal
go into the protection of this
washed up K9 cop and his half breed
mongrels.
MING
I’m ghosting all of you after this.
The JUDGE BANGS his gavel.
JUDGE
You are hereby sentenced to 42 dog
years of community service in your
fathers Pet Crimes Unit.
MING
Son of a bitch.
END TEASER
(CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: 4.
ACT ONE
INT. WEHO PCU OFFICE
Chad’s family business in a strip mall in Los Angeles
historic West Hollywood. Chad holds a family meeting while
Midnight and Tony lay in their desk beds.
NIGEL, an awkward and worried British Bulldog, happy with
his new family, but still not sure where he fits in, drools
at his desk.
MING
So you’re the computer wizard
around here?
NIGEL
Yes.
CHAD
I’m still trying to figure out how
he fits in. I tracked him down in a
brothel in Britain.
NIGEL
Me mother was a tramp. I was headed
for a life of pimping before dad
rescued me.
MING
You seem like a real family crown
jewel. All the pimps I know can
handle their drool. How’d you get
so many random half kids?
CHAD
I needed some extra cash when I
graduated the academy, so I became
a sperm donor. I made the news as a
cop dog, then the demand for my
sperms skyrocketed.
MING
So how do you know you’re my real
dad?
CHAD
I keep tabs on all my litters to
make sure they’re not running with
the wrong packs.
(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED: 5.
MING
I’m sure that’s real easy with all
your out dated tracking equipment.
MARIA THANKSGIVING, an entitled and spoiled chihuahua,
bursting with energy to the point of the shakes, fixes the
bow in her hair.
MARIA
It’s nice to have someone here
who’s a little more hard nosed than
the boys.
MING
Are any of these dumb dogs your
sons?
MARIA
I’m just their step mom,
thankfully. My tubes are tied.
MING
This place smells like a kennel.
Ever consider getting an air
fresher?
MARIA
You should try being lower to the
ground. It’s on the to buy list.
We’re a little strapped for cash.
MING
Chad didn’t get a pension?
CHAD
No.
MING
That’s a raw hide deal.
CHAD
Please call me dad. The rest of the
family does.
MING
I’m not sure I’m ready to call you
daddy yet.
The Fax Machine buzzes.
NIGEL
Hot lead. I’ll get it.
(CONTINUED)

7. CONTINUED: 6.
MIDNIGHT
Time to play.
Tony puts a ball in his mouth ready to play catch.
Nigel hands the fax covered in drool to Maria.
MARIA
Listen up you guys. There’s been a
cat napping.
Tony starts to whimper.
MARIA
A fish farmer in West Culver had
her cat stolen last night. It looks
like it’s going to be just us on
this one.
MING
The police don’t care about a
kidnapped cat?
MIDNIGHT
Not a lick. Once crimes against
animals stopped being a felony the
cops stopped caring about us.
NIGEL
They won’t lay down their life for
an animal. That’s why we’re on the
prowl.
CHAD
We’re only allowed to step in when
it’s an animal related crime.
MING
These animals can’t speak up for
themselves?
CHAD
Only to serve and protect the less
fortune of the pet population and
other wild life.
MING
So now.
Midnight sticks the fax to a white board. Tony looks at the
fax and wipes the snot from his nose.
(CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: 7.
MING
Are you whimpering?
TONY
Catnappings always get. I also
have conjunctivitis. Eye schmutts.
MARIA
Get out there and sniff
around. See what you boys can dig
up.
CHAD
Sick’em fellas. Take your half
sister. Show her the ropes and at
least try to get some good Intel.
TONY
You got it, dad. Don’t forget the
new guns I bought!
MING
Jesus, Chad. You let these mongrels
carry guns?
CHAD
Not on your life. They’re just
paintball guns.
NIGEL
You get to hold the pooper scooper.
MING
What?
NIGEL
We pick up after ourselves. So no
one can track us. Plus, it’s City
ordinance when we ride the bus.
Nigel hands Ming the Thanksgiving family pooper scooper.
MING
All this good dog stuff is gonna
make me sick.
Ming dry heaves.

9. 8.
EXT. PAN PACIFIC PARK
Ming, Midnight, Nigel, and Tony walk through the park to a
large oak tree. Midnight and Tony carry the paintball guns
Tony bought and Ming reluctantly holds the pooper scooper.
(cont’d)
This is where our informant lives.
CHARLIE THE SQUIRREL runs down the side of the tree.
MING
Squirrel! Watch this. I’m gonna
play fetch with its carcass.
TONY
Is it time to play fetch? Where is
it? Just throw the stick. Throw the
stick.
MING
Shut up you idiot.
MIDNIGHT
That’s our C.I. Charlie. Ever run
across an Aria Gomez?
CHARLIE
I’ve heard whispers of her. Word
around the trees is she uses frozen
fish to ship drugs.
MIDNIGHT
Now we’re talking. We’re on the
scent. I can feel it in my blood.
Midnight gets a boner.
TONY
Your lipstick is showing.
NIGEL
We didn’t bring clean up tools for
that.
MIDNIGHT
She’s going down. She’s so going
down.
MING
Let’s stay focused on taking down
one thing at time.
(CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: 9.
CHARLIE
Aria seems slick.
TONY
Why didn’t someone just kidnap her?
MIDNIGHT
They could have been going for her
and missed.
NIGEL
The cat could have just gotten in
the way.
TONY
Do you have any ideas who could
have kidnap the cat, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Probably this guy, Veg. I’d almost
put money on it. He lives in a van
out by the airport.
Ming tilts her head at Veg’s name. Tony gets excited.
Charlie runs up the tree and comes back with a file. He
hands the file to Tony.
NIGEL
The cat could have been their bond.
My old dealer had a cat that kept
me coming back for ages.
MING
So you were doing it for the pussy?
CHARLIE
He’s also a tweaker who loves his
meth.
MING
He could have stolen the cat
because she refused to sell to him.
CHARLIE
He’s probably prowling with your
old gang.
TONY
We’re more of a gang then they’ll
ever be.
(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED: 10.
MING
Real gangs have actual guns.
TONY
What’s wrong with the paintball
guns?
MIDNIGHT
Nothing.
MIDNIGHT
When’s Aria’s next big shipment go
out?
CHARLIE
Two days.
MING
The cat napper should be there to
finish the job.
NIGEL
Come off it. You’re not allowed to
make conclusions on your training
mission. Your only task is to hold
the pooper scooper.
MING
Screw the pooper scooper.
MIDNIGHT
Ugh. Stop nipping at each
other. I need to meditate to get
centered.
CHARLIE
Take that file to your dad. He’ll
know what to do with it.
TONY
Great idea. Thanks Charlie. We
gotta go catch the bus.
MING
There’s no way I’m being seen with
you guys and this on the bus.
Ming tosses the pooper scooper up the tree.

12. 11.
INT. LA CITY BUS
One of the family’s only modes of transportation because
they can’t drive. They still haven’t evolved a thumb for
that and they get free rides for being emotional support
animals.
Tony and Midnight sit together with their paintball guns.
Nigel sniffs out the window causing him to drool.
The bus carries three other people: Two guys on their way to
work and a HOMELESS WOMAN.
The HOMELESS WOMAN looks to Ming holding the pooper scooper
for emotional support.
MING
Not right now, I’m kind of going
through something. Is Thanksgiving
our real last name?
MIDNIGHT
It is. After dad was released from
active duty it’s the last name he
chose to take legally.
MING
Why did he get booted from the PD?
MIDNIGHT
His human partner got killed.
MING
Now there’s some family gossip I
can sink my teeth into.
NIGEL
Even the blue code of silence
couldn’t help him.
TONY
It was an accident.
MIDNIGHT
There was a shooting at a mall. Dad
ran through the food court to
create a diversion.
NIGEL
Dad took down one guy, but there
was a second shooter. Dad’s partner
got shot in the back before backup
could arrive.
(CONTINUED)

13. CONTINUED: 12.
TONY
Dad got suspended the next day.
He should have just sat and waited
for backup like a good dog.
MING
This family is wild.
NIGEL
I once had to wrestle the keys from
a raccoon in a carport.
MING
That sounds like more of a personal
problem.
NIGEL
It was during a case.
TONY
That’s the same case I had to jump
into a tank of live lobsters to
save a hedgehog. I can’t swim. I
had to be rescued.
MING
You can’t swim? You’re a golden
retriever. That’s like your only
redeeming quality as a dog.
TONY
I skipped that week of training
because my conjunctivitis was
acting up.
MIDNIGHT
Your eyes are schmuttsy. I got you
baby T. Hold still.
Midnight licks Tony’s eyes clean.
MING
You let him lick your face with his
tongue that he licks his balls
with? You guys are way too close.
MIDNIGHT
We’ve been together for like three
lifetimes.
TONY
Gotta have each others backs like
good dogs.
(CONTINUED)

14. CONTINUED: 13.
MING
You lick more like lovers.
MIDNIGHT
We’re just a close knit
family. You need to get centered
with it.
MING
Are you sure you guys are my half
brothers?
NIGEL
I’m pretty sure I am. We kind of
look the same.
MING
You’re definitely way too dark.
MIDNIGHT
My chocolaty coat comes from my
divine mother.
MING
Did she also teach you all those
tongue tricks?
The doors to the bus OPEN and the crew gets off at their
stop.
INT. ARIA’S FISH FARM
A wholesale fish farm in West Culver. They specialize in
selling fresh frozen fish to restaurants and caterers. The
Thanksgivings question ARIA, 50s, a stout Armenian woman and
a foreign fish expert.
ARIA
I’ll only speak to real human
police.
MIDNIGHT
The real police don’t care about
your cat. We’re dogs. We’re good
at sniffing out the truth. Do you
know who the kidnapper is?
ARIA
No idea.
Tony whimpers.
(CONTINUED)

15. CONTINUED: 14.
ARIA
I have all types of enemies in this
business. Everyone wants to see me
go belly up.
TONY
I love being belly up. Is that
what’s happening? Are we getting
tummy rubs?
Tony lays down and flashes his belly.
MING
I could have lived without that.
NIGEL
Oh brother. Get up, Tony.
TONY
Sorry. Belly rubs get me going.
Tony gets up.
MIDNIGHT
Any ex-boyfriends come hounding
around recently?
ARIA
I go through lovers like you go
through chew toys.
NIGEL
I go through three a week. Mind if
we have a sniff around?
ARIA
You can sniff, but stay where I can
see you.
Nigel and Ming take a sniff around the farm.
MIDNIGHT
Who eats all your fish?
ARIA
Mostly people in Malibu.
TONY
Who fetches the fish once you drop
them off?
(CONTINUED)

16. CONTINUED: 15.
ARIA
Their receiving department.
Nigel pulls open a fish barrel. Ming pulls a fish from the
barrel and sniffs it.
MING
Smells like cocaine.
NIGEL
I can’t touch it. I get piss tested
at work. I have to stay clean.
MING
You can’t do coke through
osmosis. It’s probably bagged in
the gills.
Ming bites into the fish and rips open a bag of cocaine.
MING
Tickle my belly. Top notch.
Bolivian.
NIGEL
That was my favorite. Wow sis, you
really know your crank.
MING
Like the back of my paw.
Ming rubs her nose deeper into the cocaine and sniffs.
NIGEL
You’re making my stomach clinch.
Stop. Where’s that pooper scooper?
MING
Get it yourself mutt.
Ming vigorously scratches herself.
NIGEL
What are you doing? Stop.
Ming chases her tail.
NIGEL
Sit.
Ming GROWLS at Nigel.
(CONTINUED)

17. CONTINUED: 16.
NIGEL
Don’t make me get the muzzle!
Tony turns to Ming.
TONY
What’s up, sis? First case
shakes. Why don’t you take a walk
to clear your head.
MING
Right. I like walks. Great idea!
Ming starts running in huge circles.
MIDNIGHT
Do you have security cameras?
ARIA
You’re going to need a warrant for
that.
TONY
We’re not allowed to get warrants.
MIDNIGHT
So that’s off limits.
Ming humps a fish barrel.
NIGEL
That’s some strong snow.
MING
Seven more seconds.
ARIA
Hey get away from there. I’m done
answering questions. Just go find
my cat.
MING
OK. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!
INT. WEHO PCU OFFICE
Chad sit at his desk working on the case. Maria paces the
floor.
MARIA
I just don’t see why you feel like
it’s going to work out this time?
(CONTINUED)

18. CONTINUED: 17.
CHAD
She’s my biological daughter.
MARIA
We’ve taken in strays like her
before.
CHAD
I have to give it one chance.
MARIA
We should have cut the program last
quarter.
CHAD
We would’ve never found my lil
Ming.
MARIA
We could have gone on a vacation.
CHAD
We can still go on a vacation next
year. As a whole famliy.
MARIA
She’s gonna run away the first
chance she gets like all the rest
and don’t go drowning me with your
sorrows and slobber when she does.
I’ve had enough of this. I’m
taking myself for a walk.
Maria exits the office.
INT. LA CITY BUS
The bus drives through mild LA traffic. The bus is empty
besides the Thanksgivings and the BUS DRIVER.
MING
I think you’re mom coddled you to
much as a puppy.
TONY
My mom didn’t coddle me too much. I
feel like I just have low self
esteem.
MIDNIGHT
I don’t remember my mom.
(CONTINUED)

19. CONTINUED: 18.
TONY
You don’t?
MIDNIGHT
I was sent away to learn the ways
of a seeing eye dog.
MING
That’s rough.
MIDNIGHT
It’s water under the bridge now.
The bridge of life and the deep
water of my soul that shall never
be heard by her voice ever again.
MING
You’re a strange breed.
A BIKER in helmet comes whizzing by and starts shooting at
the bus.
TONY
Those are to fast to catch.
NIGEL
Baton down the doggie doors.
MIDNIGHT
Let’s tag ’em.
Midnight and Tony poke their paintball guns out the slat
windows of the bus. As the BIKER weaves around the bus and
shoots out the windows it’s clear the Thanksgivings are out
gunned.
MING
Quick! Take the freeway.
BUS DRIVER
Do you have rabbies? I’m not
getting on the freeway.
MING
You can do this. I’m an emotional
support animal. I can talk you
through this. Just head for the
enterance.
BUS DRIVER
We’re going to fast.
(CONTINUED)

20. CONTINUED: 19.
Ming tries to grab the wheel, but her paw slips because no
thumb. A bullet comes whizzing through the windshield
injuring Ming.
The bus slams into the sand barrels at the enterance of the
freeway as the BIKER speeds off.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. WEHO PCU OFFICE
Chad paces the office. Maria wraps an ace bandage on Ming’s
wound. Midnight and Tony lay in their beds still in shock.
CHAD
You kids wrecked a bus? The LADOT
is going to revoke our monthly bus
passes.
MING
That’s all you care about is a free
bus pass? It wasn’t our fault. We
could have gotten killed.
CHAD
The free monthly bus passes were
some of the only assets this
business had. You’re turning into
more trouble then any other stray.
MING
I’m out of here. I don’t have to
take this verbal abuse. Thanks for
being my moms sperm donor.
Ming runs out. Nigel comes in.
NIGEL
I think I can salvage the backup
camera from the bus to download the
footage to see who did this.
CHAD
Good boy, Nigel. It’s probably who
ever stole that cat.
MIDNIGHT
Nasty ass cat napper.
(CONTINUED)

21. CONTINUED: 20.
TONY
I’m going to jump on who ever did
this.
CHAD
One of you boys should run after
your sister.
MARIA
No. Let that stray run it off.
CHAD
You can really come with the tough
love my little habanero.
TONY
It’s to spicy for me.
MIDNIGHT
I like it rough.
CHAD
Think of how Ming must feel.
MIDNIGHT
With a temper like hers, I’m sure
she’s been shot at before.
CHAD
Easy, Mid. Best to leave the
disciplining for me here.
TONY
This is suppose to be her family.
Not her gang buddies. I’ll run
after her.
MARIA
The case is more important than her
right now. What did you guys find
out?
MIDNIGHT
Apparently Aria’s a drug dealer.
TONY
Charlie gave us this.
Tony hands the file to Maria. Maria reads the file. She
shakes with anger.
(CONTINUED)

22. CONTINUED: 21.
MARIA
Boys, get back out to that fish
farm. We’ll track down your half
sister.
CHAD
Great plan my little churro. We
still can’t take the bus. How are
they going to get back out there?
NIGEL
Let’s run!
CHAD
You want to run all the way back
out West Culver?
NIGEL
Being sober gives you loads of
extra energy.
MIDNIGHT
We just rent some birds.
TONY
What kind of a bird could carry us?
MIDNIGHT
I meant the scooter.
CHAD
That kind of money doesn’t grow on
trees. You’re running next to your
brother. If he can do it then so
can you.
Nigel runs out the door. Midnight and Tony tuck their tails
between their legs and run out.
EXT. LA BREA TAR PITS
Ming waits at a park bench as DIESEL, a doberman pincher
from Ming’s past approaches.
MING
Thanks for meeting me.
DIESEL
How’s life as a good dog?
(CONTINUED)

23. CONTINUED: 22.
MING
It’s keeping me out of the pound.
DIESEL
So would you coming back to roaming
with us.
MING
The cops are still pretty hot on my
tail. Plus I gotta figure out this
whole sperm donor daddy thing.
DIESEL
Come back. It would feel like you
never left.
MING
Do you remember Veg?
DIESEL
That guy transitioning to an alley
cat?
MING
Yes. Where does he stay?
DIESEL
Santa Monica Airport. He got a
great price on a truck.
MING
I’m gonna pay him a visit.
DIESEL
He’ll be thrilled to see you.
MING
I got a new bone to pick with him.
DIESEL
Do you think we could get away with
stealing any of these dinosaur
bones from the tar pits?
Ming smiles, but shes gotta go.
EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT
A yellow cargo truck converted into an apartment sits in a
parking on the backside of the Santa Monica Airport.
The back of the truck opens and VEG, a man who loves cats so
much he’s decided to become one hops out of the truck.
(CONTINUED)

24. CONTINUED: 23.
VEG
Look what the cat dragged in.
MING
Speaking of which, you smell like
cat vomit.
VEG
Come to make friends or take a ride
in my pussy pad?
MING
Get real. Where’s the cat you
kidnapped?
VEG
I would never kidnap a cat.
MING
Unless it meant you got something
in return.
VEG
No one has anything I want. I’m off
the grid.
MING
You live at the airport. Planes
full of people fly over your house.
You’re literally on every grid.
VEG
What’s in it for me?
MING
I’ll get you meth.
VEG
OK. OK. The cat is at the Pacific
Design Center. Some guy named JJ
put me up to it.
MING
What’s in it for him?
VEG
She screwed him out of some money.
Now he wants to screw her.
MING
Who would want to tap that nasty
tuna tang?
(CONTINUED)

25. CONTINUED: 24.
VEG
So where’s my drugs?
MING
They’ll be here tomorrow.
VEG
I don’t trust you.
MING
You have to and if you come after
me I’ll kill you.
INT. WEHO PCU OFFICE
Chad sits at his desk trying to figure out the case. Maria
sits with him and paints her nails. Ming runs in.
CHAD
Why didn’t you tell us where you
were going? We were just about to
walk the block.
MING
You look like your about to go on a
walk. Where are the three stooges?
MARIA
Don’t get your tail in a tangle. We
sent them back to the fish farm.
MING
Radio those mangy mutts. We have
to get to the Pacific Design
Center. That’s were the action
will be.
CHAD
How do you know?
MING
I followed my sense of smell...
CHAD
You inherited my sense of smell.
None of the boys have it. Now we
can turn this agency around.
MARIA
I’ll two way radio the boys to tell
them to meet us at the PDC. We
need to call the cops too.
(CONTINUED)

26. CONTINUED: 25.
MING
No cops. They’ll send me packing to
the pound.
MARIA
We have tracking chips. They know
were we are. We’re not going out
of WEHO.
MING
Lame. Let’s roll, Chad.
CHAD
You really should call me dad.
EXT. THE PACFIC DESGIN CENTER - NIGHT
Midnight, Nigel, and Tony hide behind some parked cars in
the parking lot.
Aria unloads the dead fish stuffed with drugs into a loading
dock.
MIDNIGHT
Stay low and keep quiet like the
wind.
TONY
The wind can be pretty loud. Make
sure the safety’s off on your
paintball guns or they’ll be
useless.
BANG! Tony’s paintball gun goes off and shoots Nigel in the
chest with blue paint.
NIGEL
I’m hit. Son of a bitch. Why me?
The boys are discovered. Aria reaches into the back of the
truck and pulls out a shotgun and opens fire on the boys.
MIDNIGHT
She’s got an actual gun. This is
not a meta physical drill. Shoot
her!
TONY
Now it’s jammed. These paintball
guns are useless! I should have
bought airsoft guns. We’re gonna
die!
(CONTINUED)

27. CONTINUED: 26.
As the boys run for cover Chad, Maria, and Ming race onto
the scene.
CHAD
Not so fast.
ARIA
Come any closer and you and your
family become kibble.
MING
A semi automatic buffalo shotgun
has nine shots. Look at the shells
at your feet. You’ve already shot
eight times.
ARIA
Well then I guess only one of you
is going to see if all dogs go to
heaven.
MARIA
Lady, take a zanax. You’re out
numbered. You should just give up.
CHAD
Just don’t shoot my daughter. She
has all my sense of smell. She
could be really good for business.
MING
Slow your roll Chad.
The Biker pulls up with Aria’s cat. He pulls up his
visor. It’s JJ, a Hispanic gang memeber looking to gain
leverage in Weho.
JJ
I’m here to extend my turf.
ARIA
You stole my cat?
JJ
I didn’t steal your cat. I saved
your cat from getting high off your
coke laced fish.
ARIA
Who told you we were here?
(CONTINUED)

28. CONTINUED: 27.
JJ
The guys tranisitiong into a cat
who lives in a van by the airport.
MING
That guy will snitch to anybody.
CHAD
Give us the cat. We need to solve
the case. We need the reward
money.
MING
The lady who’s gonna pay you for
the cat has a gun at your head.
CHAD
Good call.
MING
So just give her the cat back.
MIDNIGHT
Let that pussy free man.
JJ
Not till she pays me.
ARIA
Take the money from this
shipment. Let her go. Come to mama
Pretty kitty.
JJ releases the cat.
PRETTY
Thanks. Meow let me go.
The cat jumps out of JJ’s arms and runs across the parking
lot to the back of Aria’s truck.
A COYOTE comes and scoops up the cat and runs away with it
in its mouth.
TONY
Coyote!
MIDNIGHT
Can we go? Is this case close yet?
CHAD
Not until we get some reward money.
(CONTINUED)

29. CONTINUED: 28.
MING
Let it go Chad.
Aria shoots at the coyote and missed. Officer Chin pulls up
in a police car. JJ peals off on the bike.
CHIN
Freeze. You’re under arrest.
TONY
Arrest the crazy lady with the gun.
Aria defeated and out of bullets drops the gun.
CHIN
I saw all of your GPS trakers come
together at the Design Center. I
knew something was up.
MING
I thought the cops don’t care about
a kidnapped cat?
CHIN
You’ve taken it as far as you can.
Step aside and let the real cops
finish the job.
MING
Our slobber is all over this bust.
CHIN
I’ll put out an APB for the
bike. In the meantime, is everyone
OK?
NIGEL
I’m good. Its just blue paint and
a nasty welt.
MIDNIGHT
Who’s dumb enough to buy coke that
smells like rotting fish?
Officer Chin puts hand cuffs on Aria.
ARIA
You’d be suprised what sells for
top dollar in Malibu.
Chin puts Aria in the back of her cop car.
(CONTINUED)

30. CONTINUED: 29.
TONY
She was just this sweet old smelly
Armenian fisher woman trying to
carve out her slice. I’m gonna
miss her.
Tonys eyes get schmuttsy.
CHAD
Officer I have to report that we
found the cat but it was then
kidnapped by a coyote.
CHIN
Ugh. That coyote paperwork is
going to ruin my shift. You mangy
mongrels need a ride?
NIGEL
No we can walk it off.
CHAD
Or dad could splurge for an Uber
pool?
TONY
I love swimming in pools!
MARIA
How about just a regular Uber?
TONY
I called window. I wanna stick my
head out the on the way home.
MING
Good. I hate riding next to
strangers. They smell.
MARIA
I just got a bath. It’s eucalipise
melon flea shampoo.
CHAD
That’s gonna warrant a sniff of
your butt hole when we get home.
MING
You’re gross so, can we take these
drugs? For the Uber fair.
(CONTINUED)

31. CONTINUED: 30.
CHIN
This ones on the LAPD.
MING
We were working that case.
END ACT TWO
TAG
INT. WEHO PCU OFFICE
The family enters the office.
NIGEL
I’m sure we have some cream in the
first aid kit.
CHAD
You really showed your teeth out
there son.
TONY
I’m sorry I shot him, dad. Please
hold me.
CHAD
No. I can’t handle you when you’re
like this.
TONY
Come on dad. Just one little pat on
the head. Tell me I’m a good
boy. I need it.
MIDNIGHT
I’ll give you a scratch.
TONY
I want it from my daddy.
CHAD
Ming, you were great out there.
MING
We gotta watch out for that JJ
guy. He’s gonna try to move in now
that Aria’s sung her last opera.
TONY
We should all hug.
(CONTINUED)

32. CONTINUED: 31.
CHAD
Go lay down.
Tony lays down at his desk bed next to Midnight who licks
his paws.
MIDNIGHT
The sweet taste of victory.
MING
It’s the greatest bust we could do
as a family.
CHAD
It’s to dangerous.
NIGEL
I’ll put on some tea.
TONY
I’ll follow you. I like to do that.
Nigel and Tony exit to the office kitchen.
CHAD
I’m sorry for barking at you
earlier.
MING
It’s cool. Do the cops always
steal the credit?
CHAD
Yes. Can I have a hug from my
daughter?
MING
Don’t touch me Beethoven, but I
will try to stick out my multi year
sentence.
END TAG