Woodrow, a new lawyer, must defend Queen Emiralba in a divorce trial by combat against the King's champion, The Obelisk. Though Woodrow is no match in a fight, he argues the baby the Queen is carrying could be The Obelisk's, which sways the King to accept a compromise settlement. The Queen gets a castle while the King retains the rest of the kingdom.

1. DIVORCE BY COMBAT!
by Carl Huebner
A novice attorney must defend an adulterous queen against the
king's champion in a unconventional legal proceeding where the
courtroom is a gladiatorial arena.

2. EXT. THE LAW ACADEMY - DAY
The CLANG of swords on armor echoes from the stone halls of this
great institution.
SUPER: Medieval Times
SUPER: No, wait, not the theatrical restaurant.
SUPER: Medieval Age
SUPER: That’s not right. Middle Age?
SUPER: Nope, not when you buy a car that no young person could
afford, to prove you aren’t old.
SUPER: You know, when there were kings and queens and knights and
stuff!
SUPER: ...and lawyers.
INT. THE LAW ACADEMY ASSEMBLY THEATER - CONTINUOUS
In this colossal room an assembly is gathered for graduation. In
addition to mortarboard hats the graduating class all wear chest
plate armor and swords.
WOODROW, the skinniest guy here, maybe anywhere, fumbles with the
strap of his armor at the side of the stage.
On the stage LARISSA, built like a castle herself, receives her
diploma and handshake from the DEAN as she finishes her acceptance.
LARISSA
...see them driven before me, and hear
the lamentation of their women!
The crowd CHEERS. The Dean nods in approval.
Larissa exits the stage to the crowd’s adoration as the Dean waves
Woodrow up onto the stage.
Woodrow shuffles over to the Dean holding his chest plate together.
The Dean gives Woodrow his diploma and offers to shake his hand. As
Woodrow reaches to shake, his chest plate slips off and CLATTERS to
the ground, showing his hairless chest and the only thick part of his
body, his bulging belly. The Dean cringes, but asks politely...
DEAN
And what will you use your expert legal
training for, Barrister Woodrow?
WOODROW
Well I really want to go into
environmental law. The pollution caused
by dragon breath has been overlooked for
far too long!
The crowd is silent except for a few SNICKERS.
HECKLER
Woodrow the wussy dragon dentist!!!

3. 2.
EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY
A tremendous battle finally grinds to an end. KING DONOVAN, grizzled
and blood-spattered, climbs to the top of a pile of corpses, followed
by his VIZIER.
KING DONOVAN
Right! That’s this lot. Who’s next?
The Vizier browses a scroll marked “Enemies!” and is surprised.
VIZIER
Looks like that’s the last of them, my
liege.
EXT. CITY SQUARE - DAY
This medieval city square is filled with peasants, knights, horses,
street vendors, lords and ladies. A TOWN CRIER stands on a balcony
above the crowd.
TOWN CRIER
Hear ye, hear ye! It is time to rejoice.
Our king has vanquished the enemy and is
returning home on the morrow after these
three long years away at war.
INT. QUEEN’S CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
A very pregnant QUEEN EMIRALBA looks up from her bath.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
Oh that’s not good!
Her ATTENDANTS continue to bathe her. As one washes her glistening
belly the baby kicks. The kick is so hard the bathwater ripples, the
walls shudder and the THUNDEROUS sound...
EXT. CITY SQUARE - CONTINUOUS
...ECHOES through the city square, causing carts to tremble and stone
walls to crack.
The Town Crier stumbles on his balcony as part of the railing
crumbles. As he regains his balance he’s handed a scroll.
TOWN CRIER
Oh double joy today! ‘T has been
discovered the queen is with child and
shall soon give us... an heir?
The Town Crier counts on his fingers to check the math on this.
The citizenry in the square look up, perplexed.
2.

4. 3.
INT. THRONEROOM - DAY
King Donovan fumes from his throne while Queen Emiralba keeps her
gaze on the floor. The Vizier hovers nearby uncomfortably.
The room is full of other LORDS, LADIES and the KING’S GUARD.
Woodrow and Larissa stand in the back with several other RECENT
GRADUATES. Woodrow examines his diploma, picking at a bit of wax that
makes an odd blob over part of his name.
KING DONOVAN
Potent as I may be, even I couldn’t
impregnate my wife from thousands of
miles away.
He looks up and angles his hand toward the window and the sky,
estimating angles.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
The next kingdom over, perhaps, but not
from across the sea.
Emiralba finally meets his eyes.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
You were gone so very long. A queen gets
lonely. We have queenly needs.
King Donovan doesn’t want to hear it. He tightens his face.
KING DONOVAN
Off with her head!
Larissa nudges Woodrow.
LARISSA
Hey! Pay attention. This is getting fun!
The Vizier apprehensively floats beside King Donovan.
VIZIER
Sire, might I remind you that since the
time of Henry the 8th this isn’t how we
do it?
KING DONOVAN
Yassum-frassm!!!
His eyes burn red. He leans over like he might strangle Emiralba
himself. Then something wears out within him. He sits back.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Fine! Bring me my legal team. We’ll have
a nice proper divorce.
3.

5. 4.
The king’s LEGAL TEAM marches into the throneroom, 8 large men, each
bigger than the last. They dwarf the king’s guard. At the end of the
line of lawyers is THE OBELISK, the biggest, strongest, brutishest,
violentestest, human anyone has ever seen, and attorney at law.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Yes, a good and bloody trial!
VIZIER
Again sire, I must advise that you choose
your representative carefully. Past
queens have left with most of the kingdom
when the legal combat went their way.
KING DONOVAN
I choose The Obelisk as my legal counsel!
Who can stand against him?
Emiralba is bothered by this and looks long at The Obelisk. The
Obelisk stands silently, but somehow even that terrifies those around
him.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
Maybe I wouldn’t have been so lonely if
you had won the war sooner by using your
best fighters, like The Obelisk here.
KING DONOVAN
Don’t be ridiculous! He’s a lawyer, not
a soldier. Just look at him!
VIZIER
And the queen may choose her attorney.
Queen Emiralba looks around the room as every other lawyer vanishes
out the doors. Even the lords and ladies outside the legal profession
make hasty exits. Only Woodrow, now back to picking at the wax on his
diploma is left.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
Who is that in the back?
Woodrow finally notices he’s alone and looks up.
WOODROW
The what now?
VIZIER
You! Young barrister, approach your
sovereign!
QUEEN EMIRALBA
You cannot be a lawyer. Who do you squire
for?
4.

6. 5.
WOODROW
I am m’lady. My diploma is right here, if
it please. Barrister Woodrow of The Law
Academy.
King Donovan SLAMS his fist on his throne.
KING DONOVAN
‘tis decided then! Woodweavil will be
your champion.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
I’d rather fight for myself.
VIZIER
You, my queen are not a lawyer.
WOODROW
(taking in The Obelisk’s
size)
No that’s fine with me. Really.
KING DONOVAN
‘tis decided.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
But -
KING DONOVAN
‘TIS DECIDED!
In reaction to Donovan’s shout Emiralba’s baby KICKS again. The
throne shakes, the pillars tremble, and the stained glass windows
rattle.
INT. THE LAW ACADEMY DORMITORY - NIGHT
A traumatized Woodrow stares miles deep into a mug of mead.
Larissa rubs his shoulders to no effect.
WOODROW
I’m dead. Just dead. My career will end
with my first case!
LARISSA
We’ll give you a cool name. Something
like “The Anvil.” Sounds tough, right?
WOODROW
It sounds like something that gets hit a
lot. And with red hot steel mashed in its
face.
LARISSA
Well too bad. You’re “The Anvil.” May it
strike fear into opposing counsel!
5.

7. 6.
Woodrow looks at her, unconvinced.
WOODROW
It’s not just my career that’ll be cut
short. It’s my life!
LARISSA
Think of it this way; most lawyers don’t
get a case this important in their entire
careers!
This doesn’t help.
Woodrow chugs down the entire mug of mead, eyes tearing and hands
trembling.
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
The “courthouse” is a classic gladiatorial arena designed around
trial-by-combat. Garish banners play up the violence of the legal
system. Old blood still stains the sand.
VENDORS bring refreshments to the BLOODTHIRSTY CROWDS in the stands.
King Donovan, Queen Emiralba, the Vizier, the remaining seven members
of the King’s legal team, the King’s Guard, and OTHER ROYALS sit in
the main box above the field.
The Vizier raises a scroll and announces to the entire arena.
VIZIER
And now we commence the divorce
proceeding of King Donovan and Queen
Emiralba.
The crowd falls silent.
VIZIER (CONT'D)
The King’s terms are that, should his
barrister prevail, Queen Emiralba must
give up all lands and title and live out
the rest of her days in the convent on
The Ilse of Ice.
Emiralba glares at Donovan.
VIZIER (CONT'D)
Representing his royal interests will be
Barrister The Obelisk!
The Obelisk, in heavy armor and carrying a battle-axe larger than
most horses, walks through a gate at the side of the field, each STEP
shaking the arena and making the sand jump.
VIZIER (CONT'D)
And Queen’s counsel, “The Anvil” is it?
6.

8. (MORE)
7.
Woodrow, in leather armor too large for him and armed with a
morningstar (a weapon with a spiked ball at the end of a chain)
that’s currently tangled in his hair, stumbles into the arena,
clearly shoved from inside another gate.
WOODROW
Uh, yeah. I guess.
(beat)
Cool, right?
He tries to strike an impressive stance. But doesn’t.
VIZIER
What are your terms?
WOODROW
Uh... terms?
VIZIER
Yes. If you win, what will the Queen get
in the divorce?
Woodrow looks at The Obelisk again, then gestures at him.
WOODROW
IF I win? What does that matter?
VIZIER
You’ve had all night to do your research
and define your terms.
WOODROW
Yeah, I decided to do something else with
my last night on Earth.
(hiccup)
KING DONOVAN
Terms must be entered!
WOODROW
OK. If I win, the queen gets three-
quarters of the kingdom and the gold. And
all dragons must be put on an eco-
friendly vegan diet.
The crowd gasps.
VIZIER
That’s absurd!
WOODROW
Not like it’s gonna happen.
KING DONOVAN
The terms are entered! Let’s get on with
the killing. Tear his farging spine out!
(MORE)
7.

9. KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
8.
(beat)
Legal like.
The Obelisk charges at Woodrow. Woodrow immediately runs the other
direction.
WOODROW
Sire, might I suggest reconsidering
simply beheading the queen? It’s how
Henry got his start after all.
The Obelisk charges after Woodrow. Woodrow dodges to the side as The
Obelisk slashes at him.
Now behind The Obelisk, Woodrow takes advantage of this opportunity
and swings the morningstar. Rather than striking The Obelisk in the
back, the chain detaches and sends the ball flying into the audience.
The Obelisk turns, now blocking Woodrow in a corner of the arena.
Woodrow backs against the wall, looking for a space to slip past The
Obelisk. The Obelisk spreads his arms wide and changes his stance.
He STOMPS on foot and then the other to become a wall trapping
Woodrow. With each stomp the entire arena shakes.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
Ohhh!
Her baby KICKS again, in response. The King’s box shakes and nearly
falls from the wall. People in the audience drop their food and fall
over.
As the sand settles back to the floor Woodrow looks up. He studies
The Obelisk’s feet, then glances at Queen Emiralba’s twitching belly.
WOODROW
It’s him! The Obelisk is the father!
VIZIER
What?!?
QUEEN EMIRALBA
No!
KING DONOVAN
Is this true?
QUEEN EMIRALBA
I’m the Queen for God’s sake! If I’m
going to cheat on you it isn’t going to
be with any random squire. It’ll be with
the best. You’d expect nothing less of
me, wouldn’t you?
King Donovan stands, hardly able to contain himself. Then points to
The Obelisk.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
8.

10. 9.
KING DONOVAN
Fine. Then off with HIS head!
The King’s Guard take aim at The Obelisk with crossbows.
VIZIER
Sire, as he’s currently serving as your
counsel, if you have him killed you’ll
lose the case.
King Donovan jumps up and down and stamps his feet in rage. This is
not enough to elicit a kick from Emiralba’s baby.
KING DONOVAN
OK, OK. Guards, wait for him to kill The
Anvil, THEN kill The Obelisk.
The guards lower their crossbows, but keep them ready.
OBELISK
Umm... Can I ask a question?
VIZIER
(impatient)
What is it?
OBELISK
So if I kill him I’m gonna die, and the
queen’s sent away. So what if I don’t?
VIZIER
There is no “what if I don’t!” You do
your duty.
OBELISK
Or what? You’ll kill me? Then the king
loses again.
King Donovan takes a crossbow from one of his guards.
KING DONOVAN
What if I just kill everyone?
Woodrow, getting the courage for the bravest move of his life,
approaches the royal box.
WOODROW
Sires, if I may make a suggestion, we
could consider compromise. A mutually
beneficial negotiation?
KING DONOVAN
What sneaky shenanigans are these?!? This
sort of behavior is unbecoming of a
lawyer. All men of law should deal openly
and plainly with blood and violence. ‘Tis
how ‘tis done!
9.

11. 10.
WOODROW
But what if you were to retain the entire
kingdom and all the gold, and the queen
were to get a modest castle, perhaps in
the south, where she could raise her
child away from your view?
VIZIER
Sire, it does appear to be the only way
out of your current legal tangle.
King Donovan is not happy with this. He fingers the crossbow,
contemplating. Who to kill? What’s the easiest solution?
KING DONOVAN
Agreed! But to keep with tradition, just
a bit... break both his legs!
The Obelisk with two quick snaps breaks Woodrow’s legs.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
(to Emiralba)
You’ll raise your brat where I don’t need
to be reminded of him.
QUEEN EMIRALBA
Thank you. You are most wise and kind.
He points the crossbow at The Obelisk.
KING DONOVAN
But you! You’re hereby charged with
treason for impregnating my wife while I
was away at war!
He hefts his battle-axe to his shoulder.
OBELISK
I accept the charges, and claim trial by
combat. I’ll represent myself!
KING DONOVAN
So be it! But I shall use all seven of my
legal -
He turns to the seven empty seats next to him where his legal team
sat moments ago. The stands quickly empty out. He turns back to the
people in his box to find it empty, The Vizier and Queen Emiralba
quickly shuffling out the door. He turns back to the arena field.
KING DONOVAN (CONT'D)
Well Anvil... it looks like you’re it!
The Obelisk raises his battle-axe over his head.
WOODROW
Now wait-a-minnit!
10.