The 4th of a four-workshop series designed to help strengthen parenting practices for a peaceful home!

1. FIVE
PARENTING
PRACTICES
FOR
A
PEACEFUL
HOME
Welcome
to
Week
Four.
Photo,
Sian
Richards

2. WORKSHOP
FOUR
OVERVIEW
• Introduc1ons
• Revisi1ng
Prac1ces
– Prac1ce
1:
Create
a
HAT
Habit
– Prac1ce
2:
Take
Hard
Things
Out
of
Hard
Times
– Prac1ce
3:
Put
Your
Waffles
in
a
House
– Prac1ce
4:
Train
by
Training
(not
by
correc1ng)
• Prac1ce
4.5:
Channel
the
Electric
Grandmother
• New
Prac1ce
this
Week
– Prac1ce
5:
SoQen,
Connect,
Direct
&
S1ck

3. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
1
CREATE
A
HOW
ARE
THINGS
HABIT
Create
a
system
that
will
allow
you
to
pro-­‐ac1vely
make
decisions
about
the
life
of
your
family
&
reflect
on
what
prac1ces
work
for
you

4. ART
OF
PARENTING
Paren1ng
Partner
Time
• HAT
mee1ngs
are
designed
to
strengthen
adult
partnerships,
promote
consistency
&
foster
a
growth
mindset
• Take
3
minutes
to
email
me
the
date
of
your
first
quarterly
off-­‐site.
You’ll
get
a
free
check-­‐
in
with
me
☺

5. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
2
TAKE
HARD
THINGS
OUT
OF
HARD
TIMES
Remove
the
unnecessary
and
move
the
mobile
out
of
hard
1mes
Photo,
oldmansgym.com

6. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
2
Take
Hard
Things
Out
of
Hard
Times
• When
you
have
a
consistently
difficult
period
of
your
day,
look
at
what
you
are
trying
to
accomplish
during
that
1me
and
ask:
1. Is
this
task
necessary?
• If
no,
remove
it
all
together!
2. Is
this
task
mobile?
• If
yes,
move
it
to
an
easier
1me!
• If
it
has
to
stay,
reorganize
with
the
Premack
Principle!

7. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
3
BUILD
A
SOLID
FRAME
AKA
PUT
YOUR
WAFFLES
IN
A
HOUSE
Create
structural
consistency
to
“hold”
over-­‐nego1ated
items
in
place

8. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
3
Why
build
a
solid
frame?
• Improve
Procedural
Integrity
– We
all
know
consistency
is
important
but
in
prac1ce
it
is
really
hard
to
do
all
the
1me
• How?
– STRUCTURAL
CONSISTENCY
is
less
exhaus1ng!
Classroomclipart.com
Building
our
House
by
Jonathan
Bean
Image
via
us.macmillian.com

9. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
3
FOUR
Useful
Types
of
Frames
• Moment
Frame
– “Sure
you
can
play
with
blocks.
First
we’ll
clean
up
your
puzzle
&
then
you
can
play
with
blocks.”
• Daily
Frame
– “Sure
you
can
go
to
the
park.
We
ALWAYS
go
to
the
park
aQer
nap1me.”
• Weekly
Frame
– “Sure,
I
love
Daniel
Tiger
too!
When
do
we
watch
Daniel
Tiger?”
“That’s
right!
We
watch
one
show
on
Saturday
aQer
breakfast!”
• NEW:
Blame
the
Man
Frame
[micro
prac1ce]
– “Let’s
check
our
sea1ng
chart
to
see
where
everyone
is
siing
this
week!”

10. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
TRAIN
BY
TRAINING…
NOT
BY
CORRECTING
Specific
skills
are
strengthened
through
prac1ce
with
a
suppor1ve
coach
over
a
foam
pit
Photo,
interna1onalgymnas1cs.com

11. Priori1ze
Your
Family
Values
Define
a
Value-­‐in-­‐Ac1on
Behavior
Train
the
Value-­‐in-­‐Ac1on
Make
Sure
the
Value-­‐in-­‐Ac1on
Works
[Problem?
Turn
on
Electric
Grandmother]
REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Train
By
Training

12. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Model
• Children
should
see
you
authen1cally
engaging
in
the
character
quality

13. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Rehearse/Set
Up
for
Success
• When
you
an1cipate
an
natural
opportunity
to
use
a
Value-­‐in-­‐Ac1on,
give
your
child
a
chance
to
problem
solve
BEFORE
the
problem
Photo,
greenacorns.wordpress.com

14. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Celebrate
• Celebrate
the
good
&
highlight
the
natural
posi1ve
consequences

15. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Role
Play
• Create
FUN
invita1ons
to
prac1ce
using
the
new
skills

16. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Read
Aloud
• Read
or
tell
stories
that
showcase
the
real-­‐life
value
of
a
par1cular
character
trait
We
can
also
choose
new
books
and
stories
about
accomplished
people
that
repeatedly
failed
but
persevered.

17. REVISITING
PARENTING
PRACTICE
4
Make
a
Social
Story
• Work
with
child
to
document
(take
photos/
draw/write/make
movie)
why
&
how
a
new
behavior
works
in
a
personal
way
Kid-­‐in-­‐Story
Book
Maker
applica1on

18. ART
OF
PARENTING
Small
Group
Reflec1on
Discussion
QuesBons
for
Small
Group
What
is
your
Value-­‐in-­‐Ac1on
right
now?
What
approach
did
you
use
to
Train
by
Training
this
week?
How
did
it
go?
What’s
next?

19. PARENTING
PRACTICE
4.5
Channel
the
Electric
Grandmother
Photo, ashcombeprimary.co.uk
That
way
doesn’t
work
any
more.
I’m
sorry
that
way
doesn’t
work
any
more.
I’m
sorry
that
way
doesn’t
work
any
more…
When
meltdowns
occur,
try
to
physically
take
one
step
back
&
breathe.

20. PARENTING
PRACTICE
4.5
What
about
correc1on?
Young
child
gets
up
from
table
during
meal
(again!)
• Disapprove
– (Shake
head
no)
“We
stay
seated
during
meals”
• Affirm
Family
Value
– “We
show
respect
by
asking
to
be
excused”
• Confidently
&
Compassionately
Close
Road
– “Looks
like
it
is
too
difficult
to
stay
seated
tonight.
That’s
okay.
It
takes
prac1ce!
I
will
help
by
buckling
you
into
your
seat
&
you
can
try
again
at
lunch!
”

21. SCIENCE
OF
BEHAVIOR
Mechanics
of
Behavior
Change
AFTER
DURING
BEFORE
Antecedent
Original
Behavior
Replacement
Behavior
Consequence
!

22. SCIENCE
OF
BEHAVIOR
Mechanics
of
Behavior
Change
•
New
replacement
behavior
should
be
a
highway
to
exis1ng
func1onal
consequence
•
Warn
ahead
that
old
behavior
doesn’t
work
well
anymore
•
If
possible,
close
the
road
between
the
challenging
behavior
&
its
consequence
!

23. PARENTING
PRACTICE
4.5
Make
Sure
You
Pave
Another
Road
• Child
is
telling
“poPy
jokes”
&
friend
laughs
every
1me.
You
can’t
reliably
close
that
road
(except
by
separa1ng
them
which
may
not
always
be
possible!)
• Now
what?
• Teach
your
child
another
way
to
make
friend
laugh!
It
has
to
match
his
humor!
– Sounds
like:
“[bored
voice]
Those
jokes
aren’t
very
funny
anymore
but
[animated
voice]
want
to
learn
a
super
funny
one?!”

24. PARENTING
PRACTICE
4.5
Oh
no!
Now,
what
about
meltdowns?
1. Problem
behavior
is
not
a
sign
of
bad
paren1ng
nor
future
incarcera1on
2. Step
back
&
breathe
3. Transform
into
the
Electric
Grandmother
4. Do
not
nego1ate
5. “Just
keep
swimming!”
by
calmly
keeping
busy
&
holding
your
course
6. End
with
hope

25. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
SOFTEN,
CONNECT,
DIRECT,
STICK
Increase
healthy
compliance
by
coming
alongside
your
child
before
making
a
demand
&
staying
present
un1l
its
resolu1on
Photo,
oursausalito.com

26. ART
OF
PARENTING
Large
Group
Reflec1on
• What
words
did
you
use
to
describe
your
family
of
origin?
• How
is
a
demand
different
from
a
request
or
a
sugges1on?
• Do
you
think
a
child
should
comply
with
his
or
her
parent(s)?
• Is
obedience
necessary?
How
about
boundaries?

27. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
Payne’s
Three
Phases
of
Discipline
Kim
John
Payne
outlines
three
phases
of
discipline
in
his
book
The
Soul
of
Discipline.
• Governor
– From
age
0
–
9
– Parent:
“I
will
decide”
• Gardener
– From
age
9
–
13
– Parent:
“Tell
me
your
plans.
I
will
listen
carefully
&
then
I
will
decide”
• Guide
– From
age
13
–
19
– Parent:
“Let’s
figure
out
how
to
stay
close
to
your
hopes
&
aims”

28. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
Effec1ve
Direc1on
Flow
SoNen
Connect
Direct
SBck

29. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
So^en
• What
does
soQening
look
like
to
you?
• Put
an
authen1c,
momentum
shiQing
wedge
ahead
of
your
demand
– “Pause
to
observe”
– “Stepping
back”
– “Shake
the
hurry
off”
– “Visualizing
successful
comple1on
of
task”
– “Untying”
– “Statement
of
gra1tude”

30. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
Connect
• Approach
child
• Warmly
&
briefly
connect
• Build
a
bridge

31. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
How
to
Direct?
Avoid
Junk
Demands!
• Ques1on
Demands
– Are
you
ready
for
bed1me?
– It’s
1me
for
school,
okay?
• Unnecessary
Demands
– No
running
(when
it
is
actually
safe)
– Don’t
stand
on
the
couch
(when
you
don’t
care)
• Vague
Demands
– Be
nice
– Be
careful
• Unenforceable
Demands
– Come
here
(from
across
the
room)
– Go
pouy
– Eat
your
dinner

32. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
Direct
Effec1vely
• Close
– You
should
be
(&
STAY)
within
arm’s
reach
of
your
child
if
obeying
your
instruc1ons
is
not
yet
a
habit!
• Asser1ve
– Polite
but
firm
tone
says,
“This
is
not
a
ques1on.
When
I
make
a
demand,
you
can
trust
that
I
will
always
follow
through
calmly.”
– Explana1ons
belong
outside
the
context
of
the
demand.
Either
before
you
give
it
or
a^er
its
been
obeyed.
• Necessary
– Spend
your
“investment”
only
on
important
demands
• Instruc1ve
– Tell
child
exactly
what
to
do,
not
what
to
stop
doing
• Enforceable
– Ask
for
something
you
can
follow
through
on
(HINT:
you
can’t
make
him/her
eat
or
use
the
bathroom!)

33. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
S1ck
• Old
message.
• If
I
resist
hard
enough
or
ignore
long
enough,
demands
go
away
• New
message.
• My
parents
only
make
asser1ve,
necessary,
instruc1ve
&
enforceable
demands
• Old
message.
• Demands
are
things
to
be
resisted
or
ignored
• New
message.
• All
demands
aren’t
bad

34. PARENTING
PRACTICE
5
Effec1ve
Direc1on
Flow
SoNen
Connect
Direct
SBck

35. WEEK
4
AT-­‐HOME
EXTENSION
COMPLETE
YOUR
SURVEY
TONIGHT!
If
your
paren1ng
partner
is
not
here,
please
bring
one
home
&
ask
that
they
return
it
to
the
NNM
office
by
this
Friday!
Bring
your
family
to
our
Workshop
Reunion
at
a
TBD
local
park
this
spring!
Consider
subscribing
to
the
biehus
blog
for
updates:
biehus.wordpress.com

36. Thank
you!
Dear
Amazing
Workshop
Families,
It
has
truly
been
a
pleasure
geing
to
know
each
of
you
over
the
past
month!
The
work
you
are
doing
to
define
&
refine
your
paren1ng
prac1ces
will
ripple
through
the
genera1ons
of
your
family.
Congratula1ons
on
your
early
successes
&
please
keep
me
posted
on
those
to
come.
With
my
warmest
wishes!
Krista