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5 Parenting Practices for a Peaceful Home, Week 3


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The third workshop in a four workshop series for parents who would like to cultivate peaceful homes.

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5 Parenting Practices for a Peaceful Home, Week 3

  1. 1. FIVE  PARENTING  PRACTICES     FOR  A  PEACEFUL  HOME   Welcome  to  Week  Three.   Photo,  Sian  Richards  
  2. 2. WORKSHOP  THREE  OVERVIEW   •  Introduc2ons   •  Revisi2ng  Prac2ces   – Prac2ce  1:  Create  a  HAT  Habit   – Prac2ce  2:  Take  Hard  Things  Out  of  Hard  Times   – Prac2ce  3:  Put  Your  Waffles  in  a  House   •  New  Prac2ce  this  Week   – Prac2ce  4:  Train  by  Training  (not  by  correc2ng)   – If  2me,  Prac2ce  4.5:  What  about  correc2on?  
  3. 3. REVISITING  PARENTING  PRACTICE  1     CREATE  A  HOW  ARE  THINGS  HABIT   Create  a  system  that  will  allow  you  to  pro-­‐ac2vely  make  decisions  about   the  life  of  your  family  &  reflect  on  what  prac2ces  work  for  you  
  4. 4. REVISITING  PARENTING  PRACTICE  1     Tiny  Cheerleader   •  Freedom  to  be  a  perfect  work  in  progress!  
  5. 5. ART  OF  PARENTING   Paren5ng  Partner  Time   •  HAT  mee2ngs  are  designed  to  strengthen   adult  partnerships,  promote  consistency  &   foster  a  growth  mindset   •  Take  3  minutes  to  confirm  with  your  paren2ng   partner(s):   – Weekly  Mini  HATs  in  March  Scheduled?   – Quarterly  Off-­‐Sites  Scheduled?   – Babysi[ng  calendar  reminder  for  your  Quarterly   Off-­‐Sites?  
  6. 6. REVISITING  PARENTING  PRACTICE  2     TAKE  HARD  THINGS  OUT  OF  HARD  TIMES   Remove  the  unnecessary  and  move  the  mobile  out  of  hard  2mes   Photo,  
  7. 7. REVISITING  PARENTING  PRACTICE  2     Take  Hard  Things  Out  of  Hard  Times   •  When  you  have  a  consistently  difficult  period   of  your  day,  look  at  what  you  are  trying  to   accomplish  during  that  2me  and  ask:   1.  Is  this  task  necessary?   •  If  no,  remove  it  all  together!   2.  Is  this  task  mobile?       •  If  yes,  move  it  to  an  easier  2me!   •  If  it  has  to  stay,  reorganize  with  the  Premack   Principle!  
  8. 8. SCIENCE  OF  BEHAVIOR   Are  you  le?ng  Premack  help  you?   More  Probable   (FUN!)   Less  Probable   (LESS  FUN!)  
  9. 9. SCIENCE  OF  BEHAVIOR   Are  you  le?ng  Premack  help  you?   Less  Probable   (LESS  FUN)   More  Probable   (FUN!)  
  10. 10. ART  OF  PARENTING    Whole  Group  Ac5vity     •  Dad  dreads  the  morning  rou2ne.    He  &  child  make  it  to  school  on  2me-­‐ish  most  days  but  the   process  is  painful!    He  is  currently  trying  to  complete  the  following  tasks  in  the  7-­‐8am  hour:   –  Wake  up   –  Shower   –  Get  dressed   –  Brush  teeth   –  Wake  child  up   –  Make  breakfast   –  Serve  breakfast   –  Clean  up  dishes     –  Pack  lunch   –  Pack  workbag   –  Child  draws  a  picture   –  Find  child’s  backpack   –  Help  child  brush  teeth   –  Help  child  brush  hair   –  Make  sure  child  goes  to  the  bathroom   –  Put  on  own  coat  &  shoes   –  Help  child  put  on  coat  &  shoes   –  Get  car  keys   –  Load  up  car  &  head  to  school!         Is  it  necessary?   Is  it  mobile?  
  11. 11. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3     BUILD  A  SOLID  FRAME   AKA  PUT  YOUR  WAFFLES  IN  A  HOUSE   Create  structural  consistency  to  “hold”  over-­‐nego2ated  items  in  place  
  12. 12. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3     Why  build  a  solid  frame?   •  Improve  Procedural  Integrity   – We  all  know  consistency  is  important  but  in   prac2ce  it  is  really  hard  to  do  all  the  2me     •  How?   – STRUCTURAL  CONSISTENCY  is  less  exhaus2ng!  Building  our  House  by  Jonathan  Bean   Image  via  
  13. 13. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3   Your  Solid  Frames  DAILY  –  Sure  iPad!    We   have  30  minutes  on  iPad   aker  bath  &  specific   chore  each  akernoon   MOMENT  –  Sure   play!  First  we  brush   teeth  &  wash  face,   then  we  play!     DAILY  –  Sure  you  can   have  more  X!    First  you   can  finish  your  meal  &   if  you  are  s2ll  hungry   you  can  have  more!   MOMENT  –  Sure  we  can   read  a  bed2me  story!    First   we’ll  put  away  our  house   toys,  then  we’ll  read  a  story   together!   WEEKLY  –  Sure  we  can   play  with  your  god-­‐ sisters!    We  always  play   with  them  on  the   weekend!   WEEKLY  –  I  love  videos  too!     We  always  watch  a  video   together  on  the  weekend!  
  14. 14. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3     Structural  Consistency  with  Frame  Building   Then  we’ll  do  THAT!   First/When   Sure!    (Statement  of  affirma2on)  
  15. 15. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3     FOUR  Useful  Types  of  Frames   •  Moment  Frame   –  “Sure  you  can  play  with  blocks.    First  we’ll  clean  up  your  puzzle   &  then  you  can  play  with  blocks.”   •  Daily  Frame   –  “Sure  you  can  go  to  the  park.    We  ALWAYS  go  to  the  park  aker   nap2me.”   •  Weekly  Frame   –  “Sure,  I  love  Daniel  Tiger  too!    When  do  we  watch  Daniel  Tiger?”     “That’s  right!    We  watch  one  show  on  Saturday  aker  breakfast!”   •  NEW:  Blame  the  Man  Frame  [micro  prac2ce]   –  “Let’s  check  our  sea2ng  chart  to  see  where  everyone  is  si[ng   this  week!”  
  16. 16. PARENTING  PRACTICE  3     BONUS:  Blame  the  Man  Frame •  Great  for  expecta2on  se[ng   •  You  can  sympathize  without  nego2a2on!     Photos via,,,
  17. 17. ART  OF  PARENTING    Community  Time   •  Group  1:  iPad  enthusiast   – Child  asks  to  use  your  iPad  during  any  free  2me  at  home   •  Group  2:  Bed2me  book  lover   – Child  always  asks  for  one  more  book   •  Group  3:  Meal  2me  nego2ator   – Child  always  wants  PB  sandwich  but  won’t  eat  real  food   without  a  fight   Your  Task   Help  the  imaginary  family  build  a  solid  frame  to  prevent   over-­‐nego2a2on!  
  18. 18. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     TRAIN  BY  TRAINING…     NOT  BY  CORRECTING   Specific  skills  are  strengthened  through  prac2ce  with  a  suppor2ve  coach   over  a  foam  pit   Photo,  
  19. 19. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     Master  of  His  Acts "A  child  who  has  become  master  of  his  acts   through  long  and  repeated  exercises,  and  who   has  been  encouraged  by  the  pleasant  and   interes2ng  ac2vi2es  in  which  he  has  been   engaged,  is  a  child  filled  with  health  and  joy   and  remarkable  for  his  calmness  and   discipline.”     – Dr.  Maria  Montessori     ('The  Discovery  of  the  Child',  Clio  Press  Ltd,  92)  
  20. 20. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     Strengthen  Desirable  Behavior “Research  has  shown  that  the  most  effec2ve   way  to  reduce  problem  behavior  in  children  is   to  strengthen  desirable  behavior  through   posi2ve  reinforcement  rather  than  trying  to   weaken  undesirable  behavior  using  aversive  or   nega2ve  processes.”     -­‐  Sidney  W.  Bijou,  Ph.D.  
  21. 21. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     Teach  by  Teaching “Teach  by  teaching,  not  by  correc2ng.”   -­‐  Dr.  Maria  Montessori  
  22. 22. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     Lay  New  Lines  in  the  Old  Place “Let  him  feel  himself  always  under  a  watchful,   loving  and  approving  eye…one  habit  drives   out  another.    Lay  new  lines  in  the  old  place.”   -­‐  CharloYe  Mason  
  23. 23. Priori2ze  Your  Family  Values   Define  a  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on  Behavior   Train  the  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on   Make  Sure  the  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on  Works   [Problem?  Turn  on  Electric  Grandmother]   PARENTING  PRACTICE  4     Train  By  Training  
  24. 24. AT  HOME  EXTENSION   Your  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac5on   •  Began  to  integrate  your  values  into  the  DAILY  language   of  your  family  –  especially  when  you  saw  the  value   DEMONSTRATED!   •  Picked  one  of  your  values   •  Selected  one  posi2ve  SPECIFIC  behavior  that  you   consider  an  example  of  this  value   – Your  children  currently  demonstrate  this  behavior  (even  if   only  occasionally!)   •  Wrote  a  “script”  of  what  you  would  say  when  you  saw   that  behavior  occur  at  home   •  You  caught  the  pro-­‐value  behavior  this  week!  
  25. 25. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4      Typical  Paren5ng  Advice •  When  do  parents  typically  try  to  teach  “good”  behavior?   •  A[er  “bad”  behavior  occurs!   •  How  do  parents  typically  try  to  teach  “good”  behavior?   •  Verbally  -­‐  through  heart-­‐to-­‐heart  conversa5ons  which   tend  to  be  a  liYle  one-­‐sided  ☺  (i.e.  lectures)   •  Is  this  the  most  effec2ve  approach?   •  No!  
  27. 27. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4      Happy  Training  Tips •  Don’t  train  at  a  hard  2me   – Train  with  a  willing  athlete  at  an  easy  2me   •  Don’t  train  too  generally   – Train  a  specific  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on  skill   •  Don’t  train  at  a  compe22on   – Train  with  a  foam  mat   •  Don’t  cri2cize   – Be  a  suppor2ve  coach         •  Don’t  expect  progress  without  prac2ce   – Use  play  to  prac2ce     Photo,  
  28. 28. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4      Simple  &  Effec5ve  Training •  Model.    Children  should  see  you  authen5cally  engaging   in  the  character  quality   –  When  child  approaches  my  computer,  I  can’t  block  them   •  Rehearse.    When  you  an2cipate  an  natural  opportunity   to  use  a  Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on,  give  your  child  a  chance  to   problem  solve  BEFORE  the  problem   –  “I  see  your  brother  coming  near  your  fort!    How  are  you  going  to   use  a  kind  body?    …Oh  that  sounds  like  it  will  work!    But  what  if   he  knocks  down  the  pillow?”   •  Celebrate.  Celebrate  the  good  &  highlight  the  natural   posi2ve  consequences   –  “He  knocked  down  your  pillow  but  what  did  you  do?    You  didn’t   just  build  it  up  again  did  you?!    What?!    Did  that  work?  Wow!”      
  29. 29. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4      Super  Strength  Training •  Role  Play.    Create  FUN  invita2ons  to  prac2ce  using  the   new  skills   –  “Let’s  build  a  fort!    I’ll  be  you!    You  can  be  your  brother!”   •  Read  Aloud.    Read  or  tell  stories  that  showcase  the  real-­‐ life  value  of  a  par2cular  character  trait   –  “I  no2ced  that  Henry  gave  Benny  an  important  job  to  do  while   they  were  working  together.”   •  Make  a  Social  Story.    Work  with  child  to  document  (take   photos/draw/write/make  movie)  why  &  how  a  new   behavior  works  in  a  personal  way   –  “Okay  what  will  happen  in  the  first  scene?”    
  30. 30. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4.5     What  about  correc5on?   Sister  hits  brother  when  he  knocks  down  fort   •  Disapprove   – (Shake  head  no)  “We  don’t  use  our  hands  to  hit”   •  Affirm  Family  Value   – “We  kind  words  &  a  kind  body  in  our  family.”   •  Confidently  &  Compassionately  Close  Road   – “Looks  like  the  fort  is  too  difficult  to  share  right   now.    I’ll  clean  it  up  &  if  you  want,  you  can  try   again  aker  snack.”  
  31. 31. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4.5     Oh  no!  Now,  what  about  meltdowns?   1.  Problem  behavior  is  not  a  sign  of  bad  paren2ng  nor  future  incarcera2on   2.  Step  back  &  breathe   3.  Transform  into  the  Electric  Grandmother   –  Child:  “No!!    You  can’t  close  my  fort!”   –  You  say:  “I  know  its  hard  honey”  &  keep  cleaning!     4.  Do  not  nego2ate   –  Child:  “I  am  going  to  hit  you!”     –  You  say  :  “Sounds  like  you  are  frustrated.    Do  you  need  something  to  hit?”  &   give  her  a  pillow  while  s2ll  cleaning!     5.  “Just  keep  swimming!”  by  calmly  keeping  busy  &  holding  your  course   –  Child:  Flailing  about   –  You:  Finished  cleaning!    Sit  nearby  &  do  something  else   6.  End  with  hope   –  You:  “It  is  hard  to  use  a  kind  body  when  your  brother  knocks  down  your  fort   but  next  2me  I  am  sure  you  will  remember  to  ask  for  help!”  
  32. 32. PARENTING  PRACTICE  4.5     Channel  the  Electric  Grandmother     Photo, That  way  doesn’t  work  any  more.    I’m  sorry   that  way  doesn’t  work  any  more.    I’m  sorry   that  way  doesn’t  work  any  more…   When  meltdowns  occur,  try  to     physically  take  one  step  back  &  breathe.  
  33. 33. WEEK  3  AT-­‐HOME  EXTENSION   Write  &  Post  a   Training  Plan  for  your   Value-­‐in-­‐Ac2on  using   at  least  ONE  Training   tool:     •  Model   •  Rehearse   •  Celebrate     •  Role  play     •  Read  aloud   •  Make  social  story  
  34. 34. STAY  IN  TOUCH   Review  the  slides  at   Email  me  at   Consider  coming  early  next  week  for  my  office  hours  from  5:30  –  6pm  here  in   the  library  if  you  have  specific  ques2ons  or  want  to  review!