3. -"Silence" to indicate a lull in conversation, in essence, is a waste of a line. If people don't speak,
they still do other things. Instead, use that line to describe facial expression, body language, or
some environmental action. Something is always happening on screen.
-Page 94 O.S. should be V.O.
OPENING PAGES – 25% of score
YES = 5 points Somewhat = 3 points no = 0 points
The first 10% of a script is prime real estate.
* TECHNICAL PROSE:
*Devoid of Typos
*Mastery of English Language
*Clear Writing
X YES
Somewhat
no
* PAGE 1:
*Draws Reader In
*Clear Genre
*Hook
X YES
Somewhat
no
* CHARACTER(S):
*Compelling (interesting, relatable)
*Clear Protagonist (hero, anti-hero, ensemble, etc.)
X YES
Somewhat
no
* DIALOGUE:
*Distinctive
*Subtextual
X YES
Somewhat
no
* STORY TRAJECTORY:
*Strong World Building
*Memorable Inciting Incident
*Entices to Keep Reading
X YES
Somewhat
no
4. Opening Comments (if any):
-
STORY – 60% of score
* Judge's Logline:
After a clerical error in Heaven causes a woman's untimely death, she must fight her way through
a demon-filled hellscape in order to return to her body.
EXCEPTIONAL = 6 points VERY GOOD = 5 points Average = 4 points below average = 3 points
poor = 2 points
* CONCEPT:
*Original
*Compelling
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
* TONE:
*Genre Appropriate
*Consistent Overall
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
* CHARACTER:
*Actor Bait
*Clear Goals
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
* DIALOGUE:
*Subtext
*Interesting
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
5. * SETTING:
*Cinematic (screen worthy)
*Unique
*Vivid
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
* STORY:
*Structure
*Pace
*Theme
EXCEPTIONAL
X VERY GOOD
Average
below average
poor
* LOGIC:
*Plot
*Scene Flow
*Momentum
EXCEPTIONAL
VERY GOOD
X Average
below average
poor
* CONFLICT:
*Tension
*Reversals
*Rising Stakes
EXCEPTIONAL
VERY GOOD
X Average
below average
poor
* RESOLUTION:
*Satisfying
EXCEPTIONAL
VERY GOOD
X Average
below average
poor
6. * APPEAL:
*Emotional Response
EXCEPTIONAL
VERY GOOD
X Average
below average
poor
FINAL SCORE
84
* OVERALL GRADE:
pass (69 or lower)
X Consider (70–89)
RECOMMEND (90–100)
STORY COMMENTS
* What works:
The characters are certainly entertaining to follow. One would imagine they'd be just as much fun
to play. (Amirtes might be a fan favorite. "Break things! You feel better!")
The setting (Hell) is interesting with its ever-present threat of torturous, violent death coupled
with the quotidian of saloons, public parks with playgrounds, and libraries (The Gates of Hell have
a box office complete with Attendant!). It's got elements of Beetlejuice and "Saints Row IV: Gat
Out of Hell" in that Hell is both mundane and insane simultaneously. It doesn't have to make
sense. Why is there a library in Hell? Who cares! You just acquired a self-aware holographic map
with an insatiable sexual appetite who always steers you toward trouble. Dig it.
* What needs work:
While the chaos is endlessly fascinating, it is still important that the story is occasionally grounded
plot-wise. An audience can forgive the logistics of the existence of a giant hammer-wielding troll,
but why would Katy still have a 15 year old funeral flyer for a girl she hardly knew in high school
sitting out on her night stand? And if Vanessa died as a teen, why is she in her 30s in Hell?
It's also hinted that Katy loses memories of her life a little bit when she doesn't recognize her
wedding ring. But really it's only Juan she forgets in the moment. Her mission remains that she
must escape Hell, so the memory loss doesn't seem to be that much of an issue. If it were, then
the risk of her failing the mission would be greater [Side note: the photos fade a la Back to the
Future in order to convey she forgets those people. Why would she forget Juan, her husband,
before her students?]. It feels like a lose end or a thread that wasn't really carried through.
Silva, though he is the quippiest of quippers, is sometimes hard to understand. He is a
lawyer/thief. A trickster. A Bruce Campbell character. He's got plenty of qualities, yet his
motivation is somewhat unclear. Does he want out of Hell, too? Or money? Both? His dying words
were something to that effect. It seems like he's been there for a long time. And while an
audience might mourn his "death" at the end, it's a little odd that Katy would cry over him -
unless- by that point she has forgotten what she is fighting for and has become immersed in this
hell warrior lifestyle.
Suggestions or Observations:
7. Suggestions or Observations:
-The ending reads like a big chunk of plot was left out of this script and saved for a sequel or
prequel. Which makes the main plot of this script seem like arbitrary events that merely serve as
a catalyst for the real battle. The effect of this could go either way. Studios love sequels. An
audience might get confused.
-The fight scenes might be a bit over choreographed.
* Comments embedded in script PDF?
X no
yes
* Annotated PDF
-
