Melissa Thorpe SPCH1318 I had a friend. We are no longer friends. We are no longer friends due to communication errors on both sides. Good communication is of vital importance to a relationship. Without proper communication, any kind of relationship whether it be of a platonic or romantic nature will be difficult to sustain. The interpretation of verbal and nonverbal communication is how we perceive our relationships. Based on those interpretations we react accordingly. Ineffectiveness at any level can and usually does breakdown the communication process. Without having a strong and sound foundation of good communication skills, strategies, and conflict management styles, problems can creep into a relationship and threaten to destroy it. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. Breakdown can be attributed to a lack of knowledge on how to be an effective communicator to the repetition of an error. Identifying the source of a communication problem can sometimes be difficult, but through careful analysis and self-reflection, it is possible to improve one’s communication competence. This assignment has made me reflect on what aspect of my communication I believe needs improving. I like to think that I am a decent communicator; family and coworkers have complimented me on being so. I must admit I found this task more difficult than I thought. It is much easier to point out someone else’s flaws than look for your own sometimes. I believe the aspect of communication I need to improve is monitoring and assessing the jump from the exploration stage of relational escalation to the intensification stage more effectively. Relational escalation according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is “Movement of a relationship toward intimacy through five stages: preinteraction awareness, acquaintance, exploration, intensification, and intimacy” (292). In the exploration stage, “You begin to share more in-depth information about yourselves…….and limit the time you spend together” (292). In the intensification stage, “You will start to depend on each other for self-confirmation and engage in more risky self-disclosure. You will spend more time together” (292). Even though relational escalation is not a direct form of communication, the monitoring or lack of it can come across as communication. If relational escalation goes without monitoring and proper evaluation, the result can be disastrous. This has happened to me. I sometimes have a habit of getting carried away with the excitement of a new friendship. I became friends with a woman about two years ago, several weeks after my husband deployed to Iraq. Her husband had left around the same time as well. This was the first deployment that either of us had experienced at Fort Hood. We started doing things together because our children were of similar ages. It was the beginning of summer vacation and neither of us had planned any trips so we both ...

1. Melissa Thorpe
SPCH1318
I had a friend. We are no longer friends. We are no
longer friends due to communication errors on both sides. Good
communication is of vital importance to a relationship. Without
proper communication, any kind of relationship whether it be of
a platonic or romantic nature will be difficult to sustain. The
interpretation of verbal and nonverbal communication is how we
perceive our relationships. Based on those interpretations we
react accordingly. Ineffectiveness at any level can and usually
does breakdown the communication process.
Without having a strong and sound foundation of good
communication skills, strategies, and conflict management
styles, problems can creep into a relationship and threaten to
destroy it. Unfortunately, this happens all too often.
Breakdown can be attributed to a lack of knowledge on how to
be an effective communicator to the repetition of an error.
Identifying the source of a communication problem can
sometimes be difficult, but through careful analysis and self-
reflection, it is possible to improve one’s communication
competence.
This assignment has made me reflect on what aspect of my
communication I believe needs improving. I like to think that I
am a decent communicator; family and coworkers have
complimented me on being so. I must admit I found this task
more difficult than I thought. It is much easier to point out
someone else’s flaws than look for your own sometimes. I
believe the aspect of communication I need to improve is
monitoring and assessing the jump from the exploration stage of
relational escalation to the intensification stage more
effectively.
Relational escalation according to Beebee, Beebee, and
Redmond is “Movement of a relationship toward intimacy
through five stages: preinteraction awareness, acquaintance,

2. exploration, intensification, and intimacy” (292). In the
exploration stage, “You begin to share more in-depth
information about yourselves…….and limit the time you spend
together” (292). In the intensification stage, “You will start to
depend on each other for self-confirmation and engage in more
risky self-disclosure. You will spend more time together”
(292). Even though relational escalation is not a direct form of
communication, the monitoring or lack of it can come across as
communication. If relational escalation goes without
monitoring and proper evaluation, the result can be disastrous.
This has happened to me.
I sometimes have a habit of getting carried away with the
excitement of a new friendship. I became friends with a woman
about two years ago, several weeks after my husband deployed
to Iraq. Her husband had left around the same time as well.
This was the first deployment that either of us had experienced
at Fort Hood. We started doing things together because our
children were of similar ages. It was the beginning of summer
vacation and neither of us had planned any trips so we both had
a lot of free time. We started getting together almost every day
and doing activities such as swimming, movies, library
programs, going out to eat, and play dates. Needless to say, we
spent a lot of time together. I thought I had found a good
friend. By the end of summer we became very close. She was
confiding a lot in me even though I did not always reciprocate.
We were blurring the line between the exploration and
intensification stages of relational escalation.
Once school started again, we did not see each other as
much, but we still got together on weekends. I included her in
activities with other friends because I was excited to have
another close friend. That is when things started to go awry.
Things that she said and my other friend said did not match up.
I explained it away to myself as miscommunication between
people getting to know each other.
Then around Christmas, I was able to see my husband on
video chat for the first time in about six months. I just

3. happened to be at her house when he contacted me through
yahoo messenger on my phone. I asked her if I could use her
computer to talk to him because I did not know how long he
would be able to stay on. She let me use the computer, I was on
for quite a while, but she did not seem to mind. The next day
she told me I was incredibly rude for staying on her computer
for so long, and ignoring her. I apologized for offending her,
but told her I was not going to apologize for speaking to my
husband who I had not seen in six months. I thought we had
resolved our conflict with my apology. I tried not to read too
much into her reaction, a reaction that I thought was absurd.
We continued with our relationship. As the next few
months progressed I found more discrepancies in her stories,
but thought since we shared a lot and considered that we were
close I had no reason not to believe her. Trust soon transitioned
to suspicions, which turned out to be well founded. I
discovered she had been lying to me. That is when I retreated
from the friendship very quickly. I felt extreme hurt and
betrayed by her. By not effectively examining my relational
escalation from the exploration stage to the intensification stage
in this relationship, my lack of communication help create a
very “sticky”, awkward, and uncomfortable situation.
This is why I believe that I need to become a better
monitor of relational escalation, because if I were, I would have
been able to stop this relationship or keep it at the exploration
stage and not let it get into the intensification stage. I would
have been able to save myself a lot of heartache and time. This
has not happened with every friendship I have had, but I have
repeated a similar pattern several times to know that it is
something I need to work on.
I believe I experience this problem for several reasons.
First, I think my need for inclusion clouded my judgment and
management of this relationship. The need for inclusion as
stated in Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is, “The need to be
included in the activities of others and to experience human
contact and fellowship” (51). I felt included and happy around

4. this person therefore I wanted to pursue a friendship with her. I
was not desperate for a friend but my human need for
fellowship did drive me to escalate my relationship. Though
need for inclusion is not a barrier of communication it is a need
all humans experience.
Next, I have a tendency to assume similarities with those
with which I share commonalties. I thought my friend would
understand my wanting to talk to my husband for as long as
possible, because her husband was also gone. I did not realize
that she told her husband to contact her at a different time if
when he called was not suitable for her. (I must interject here
that her husband was located at in an area with much better
internet access.)
Last, I feel I sometimes am guilty of applying the halo
effect that according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is
“attributing a variety of positive qualities those you like” (74).
At one point, I really liked this woman and thought she would
be a great friend. I impressed upon her positive qualities such
as honesty and loyalty without actually confirming that they
were actually traits that she possessed. I overlooked or ignored
things that did not fit the qualities that I had given her. I have
noticed that I have repeated this pattern several times while
pursuing different friendships.
I have been able to think about how I can keep from
repeating this pattern. I have come up with a plan that should
help me avoid escalating a relationship too quickly. I will
observe and then analyze using communication concepts I have
learned this semester. First, I will not repeat the pattern or
assuming similarities and will stop attributing the halo effect to
potential friends like I have done in the past.
I will also do more indirect and direct perception
checking on observations I have made about the person and the
relationship. Next, I will not ignore information that seems
relevant to the friendship even if it does not seem to fit my
perception, I will evaluate it. I will also engage in relationship
talk, which according to Beebee, Beebee, and Redmond is “Talk

5. about the nature, quality, direction, or definition of a
relationship” to help determine what level of relational
escalation the other person believes we are at (312). I believe
that if I use all these tools and concepts that I have listed many
of which I learned this semester, I will become much better at
monitoring my relational escalation. In turn my monitoring will
force me to use these tools and concepts on regular basis thus
increasing my communication competence.
By reflecting and analyzing some friendships I have had
in the past, I have been able to determine an area of
interpersonal communication that I need to improve upon.
Learning more about interpersonal communication this semester
has not only helped me identify my downfalls, but has also
provided the tools necessary to remedy them. Not escalating a
relationship before it is fully ready to be escalated is
imperative. I have proven that with my example. I believe that
this is necessary for many to learn. Most of us have jumped full
force into a friendship without escalating it through the proper
stages. I have been able to reflect why I do this and how I can
avoid doing so in the future, which will help me raise my
communication competence and in turn may help others, do so
as well.
Works Cited
Beebee, Stephen A., Beebee, Susan J., Redmond, Mark V..
Interpersonal Communication Relating to Others. 5th Edition.
Karon Bowers. Boston: Pearson, 2008. Print