We met online over five years ago and started a relationship t.docx

We met online over five years ago and started a relationship
that was anything but normal
in the "traditional sense". Nick was in the process of getting a
divorce and I wanted anything but
a serious relationship. Somewhere in that year of emailing and
talking on the phone, we began to
fall in love with this sense of who the other person was. When
we finally decided that ~ lives
were in a better place than when we had first started
communicating we decided to meet in
person and have been together ever since. In the past five years
we have helped each other,
depended on each other and realized that possibly (yes, just
possibly) soul mates do exist. I have
decided to look into this relationship because of the changing
dynamics in our relationship. With
each conflict, accomplishment or even addition to the family,
our relationship evolves and
changes. In order to describe the evolution of our relationship, I
feel the following six concepts
are most accurate and will help describe some of the important
fundamentals of our relationship.

These concepts are self-disclosure, openness-privacy dialectic
(dialectical tension), intimacy,
conflict ritual, compromise, and relational maintenance.
The first topic that I am going to discuss is self-disclosure. In
the book, Looking In,
Looking Out, authors' Adler and Towne, define self-disclosure
as "the process of deliberately
revealing information about oneself that is significant and that
would not normally be known by
others." When Nick and I first started emailing and instant
messaging, we revealed very little
about each other. We knew the basics like both of us had a
child, I was single and he was going
through a divorce, but other than that, we did not want to know
anything else. At that time in our
lives, we both agreed the less people knew the better chance we
had of not getting hurt again.
Hours turned into days, and days quickly turned into months.
About three months into the
emails, Nick began to disclose the real reason of the impending
divorce and his feelings for his
soon-to-be ex-wife. At this point, he would send emails asking
to go out for a pizza. I would

always respond with a no thanks just because of the situation.
He was opening up to me and
disclosing information that he had not told anyone, not even his
ex-wife, and I was still adjusting
to everything I was being told. I was twenty when we started
chatting and at that time, I had an
extreme distrust of people especially men. Eventually, Nick
began to earn my trust and I slowly
opened up about my life. I told him about my daughter's father
and my relationship with my
mom and grandma. As time went on we became closer friends
and started having romantic
feelings towards one another. We would instant message at
night after we put our kids to bed for
hours about what had happened that day at work, with the ex's,
with the kids, and everything else
that made up our life at that time. Eventually, after a year of
chatting online, a finalized divorce
and another relationship ending we decided to meet the night
before Easter. What we had
learned about each other in that year had laid a foundation for
the romantic relationship we were
about to begin.

Our first of many challenges came with our personalities. Of
course online you have this
ambiguous area where you can say what you want and be
someone you are not, it's also
somewhat of a safety net for those who are introverted because
they can pretend to be
extroverted. Well that was what happened with Nick and 1. I am
an extremely extroverted
person and do not mind meeting new people, going new places
and being the life ofthe party.
Online, Nick had approached things the same way, however in
life he is an extreme introvert.
When in public, Nick is content to draw as little attention to
him as possible. Adler and Towne
define this type of relationship structure as openness vs. privacy
dialectic. Openness-privacy
dialectic is a form of dialectical tension which is defined as
"conflicts that arise when two
opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously" (Adler
and Towne, pg. 332). After six
months into our relationship, we had our one and only major
argument and I moved out of the

wanted to dance with me. Nick immediately became jealous
about the fact that I was spending
{)fl-
very little time with him and pulled me aside to find out what
was going. I explained that I was
we shar~he remaining two characteristics of intimacy; physical
and shared activities. Both of
intimacy. Like most things in life, men and women have
different ways of expressing their
intimate feelings for each other. I want Nick to express his
feelings for me by communicating
them, while he feels that going to a movie or just spending time
together is expressing his
feelings for me. In order to prevent hurt feelings on either side
we have created a date night. On
the date we will typically do something were it is just the two
of us and talk about our feelings
for each other and what is happening in our life. We found that
by doing this both of our
intimacy styles are being me~ and no one is being forced to be
something they are not.
Adler and Towne defines the next concept, conflict rituals, as
"unacknowledged but very

real patterns of interlocking behavior." When in an argument we
play similar roles in each
argument. In my opinion, the roles that we play are a result of
our personalities. In most of our
conflicts, I am the one who is more aggressive of the two. Nick
can always tell when I am
getting to my blowing point. Suddenly even the small things are
huge and unforgettable. Nick
remains the calming force during these outbursts and is always
there to see the rational side of
events. The problem created by this ritual is that I am the one
who is constantly over-responding
to situations while Nick is the one always trying to smooth
things over. One of the issues that is
a result is Nick does not get the complete opportunity to "blow-
up" and ends up keeping
everything inside. Another issue with this is what I call the
"Chicken Little Syndrome", where
you are making items and issues bigger than they really are.
"Arguments, however, don't
necessarily have to spell the end of your cozy union. They could
actually be a venue for venting
your frustrations and working out differences. But like any
other conflict, these wars of words

must be handled responsibly and with tact" * (Ask Men.com).
Throughout our relationship is the element of compromise,
whether we are using it to
help with our children or in ending an argument. "An approach
to conflict resolution in which
both parties attain at least part of what they wanted through
self-sacrifice," is the book's
definition of compromise. In our relationship, we have to be
lovers, partners, parents, business
owners, and friends all at the same time. That art of juggling
hats had provided both Nick and I
with a huge understanding of compromise. For example, Nick
was raised that you spend holiday
time with your immediate family, while I was raised that you
visit your parents. The holiday
time of year is already stressful enough and needs no added
pressure so what we decided was
that we would switch off on visiting each others families for
Thanksgiving and stay home for
Christmas. This agreement has helped our family but giving us a
definite time for a vacation and
helps us with my husband's custody agreement with his ex-wife.
It also helps me plan for our

family's favorite holiday, Christmas, which in and of itself
carries a magnitude of stress.
Our relationship would not survive if it were not for the
constant relational maintenance
that we do on our marriage. Relational maintenance is defined
as "communication aimed at
keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily"
(Adler & Towne). For example,
every morning before I go to work Nick always compliments me
on my attire for the day.
Another thing that I do is constantly is remind him of how
proud he makes me. While there is a
list of the things we do, it is these things that help us to stay
focused on our relationship. With a
family of six, the smallest amount of adult communication is
sacred and cherished. These extra
steps of support keep our relationship strong and constant in a
world where very little has
remained constant.
Every person at some point in his or her life has maintained a
relationship with someone,
whether it is a loved one or a friend. The relationships that we
make can not be taken at face

value alone. As there are a mix of the personalities of those
involved, and a numerous amount of
other circumstances that are not visible to the naked eye, yet
felt deep inside your heart. The
difficulties that Nick and I have are just as constant as the
enjoyments that we share together.
The efforts that we make are appreciated and recognized by the
other person giving more
meaning to us than other relationships. As the constant joke
amongst our friends' states, "Is the
honeymoon over yet?" And to that our answer in a resounding
"NO!"
Chapter Six
Doing Things the Right Way
Using Performance Management to Increase Business
Execution:
Ensuring that employees are doing the right things the right way
is central to driving business execution. This is the primary
purpose of performance management, although many
performance management processes fail to fulfill this purpose.
Performance management refers to processes used to
communicate job expectations to employees, evaluate
employees against those expectations, and use these evaluations
to guide talent management decisions related to compensation,
staffing, and development. Performance management
encompasses a variety of activities, including talent reviews,
calibration sessions, pay-for-performance plans, performance

feedback, and other methods that measure employees based on
the degree to which their actions and accomplishments align
with the company’s expectations and objectives.
This chapter discusses how to use performance management to
increase workforce productivity. There is a reason this chapter
is the longest one in this book: designing and deploying
effective performance management processes is not easy. It
requires addressing highly sensitive topics related to measuring
the contributions of individual employees and making decisions
about their pay, promotions, and employment. Creating a
successful performance management program requires attending
to several big picture strategic issues and myriad specific
details to ensure that the processes fit the culture and needs of
your company.
There is no such thing as a neutral performance management
process. People will either like it or dislike it. Many
performance management processes are criticized as lacking
business impact, creating unnecessary administrative overhead,
and negatively affecting employee attitudes. But if done
correctly, performance management is a powerful method for
creating highly engaged, efficient, and productive
workforces. The key to creating an effective performance
management process lies in thinking through the questions
discussed in this chapter and designing a process that makes the
most sense for your company.
The chapter is organized into five sections. Section 6.1
addresses the reasons that performance management is difficult
to do well. Section 6.2 discusses the impact of performance
management on business performance. Section 6.3 examines
how to balance the often conflicting goals of performance
management. Section 6.4 addresses seven fundamental questions
to consider when designing performance management processes.
Section 6.5 explains different levels of performance
management process maturity and how to increase performance
management effectiveness over time.

6.1 WHY IS PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT SO
DIFFICULT?
Performance management is not a new concept. There are
references to it in the Old Testament, and the government of
China used documented performance management processes as
early as the third century AD. 1 Despite or perhaps because of
its longstanding use, performance management is frequently
criticized as a process that is neither enjoyable nor effective. A
recent Google search on “problems with performance
management” returned over 21 million (!) separate entries.
Many criticisms level particularly harsh accusations at
performance appraisals, the portion of performance management
focused on evaluating individual employee contributions. Some
critics urge companies to abolish performance appraisals and
scrap performance management altogether.
6.2 WHY DO WE NEED PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT?
Performance management is used to ensure people are
performing their jobs in the right way. Every company practices
performance management, even if it does not have an official
performance management process. Without some form of
performance management, a company would simply be hiring
people and hoping they did their jobs effectively. The question
is not whether your company uses performance management; it
is whether your performance management methods are
appropriately designed, clearly defined, consistently applied,
and effectively used to increase workforce productivity and
support business needs.
6.3 BALANCING THE CONFLICTING GOALS OF
PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT
The single biggest challenge to designing a performance
management program is the need to support different activities
that don’t necessarily align well with each other. These include:
· Evaluating performance . This is about accurate measurement

of employee behavior and contributions. It requires using well-
structured, consistently defined methods to rate employees
based on their performance levels. The most accurate
performance evaluations are done by people other than the
person being evaluated. Most of us simply aren’t good at
objectively and accurately evaluating our own effectiveness,
particularly when it means comparing ourselves to others. This
is the reason most companies do not allow employees to
evaluate their own performance without some
form of manager review.
· Providing performance feedback so employees know how well
they are performing and understand the gaps they must address
to increase their effectiveness.
· Coaching employees to increase workforce alignment and
productivity. Coaching involves creating dialogue and
discussion between managers, employees, and their coworkers.
It is best done on an ongoing basis and does not require any
formal performance evaluation or rating.
6.4 CRITICAL PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT DESIGN
QUESTIONS
There is no one best way to do performance management. What
works well for a regional health care organization might be
inefficient for a multinational software company. Processes
appropriate for frontline hourly retail employees would be
totally ineffective for senior executives. Organizations with
rapidly growing workforces and expanding markets may need
different methods from organizations with aging workforces or
shrinking profit margins. Fully leveraging the power of
performance management requires designing a process that
makes the most sense given your particular business needs,
organizational culture, employee population, and resource
constraints. The reason many companies struggle with
performance management is they haven’t put enough time in
critically thinking through key process design questions.
Creating the right performance management process requires

spending time thinking about what “right” looks like for your
company. The following questions are central to the design of
effective performance management processes: 1. What are the
primary objectives of your performance management process? 2.
How do you define effective performance? 3. How will you
evaluate performance? 4. How will you calibrate performance?
5. How are data from performance evaluations used? What is
the relationship of performance evaluations, pay, promotions,
development, and workforce management? 6. How frequently do
you measure performance? How does performance management
fit into your broader business cycle? 7. What training and
incentives do managers and employees need to effectively use
performance management processes? The answers to these
questions depend on your company’s particular business
strategies, the nature of its workforce, and its current talent
management processes. The answers vary considerably from
organization to organization. Failure to adequately address any
of the questions can result in a suboptimal performance
management process. With that in mind, let’s take a more
detailed look at each question.
6.5 INCREASING PERFORMANCE MANAGEMENT
PROCESS MATURITY
The lowest level of performance management maturity is
making sure employee performance is evaluated using
consistent, standardized methods (e.g., the traditional annual
performance review). The basis of performance management
lies in accurately measuring if employees are doing things in
the right way, and a requirement for accurate measurement is
consistency. Thus, conducting regular performance reviews is
important.
Higher levels of performance management maturity create
stronger results, but it is not necessary to always strive for the
highest level possible. Each level provides more value than
those below it, but moving up each level also requires more
resources and change management. What level is best depends

on the objectives associated with performance management in
your company. If all you want is to ensure compliance with
legal guidelines, then level 1 may be adequate. If the goal is to
increase coaching and dialogue, levels 2 and 3 may suffice. And
if you want to create a true high-performance culture, you will
want to strive for level 4 or higher.
There are two ways to increase performance management
maturity in organizations. The most obvious is to start at the
bottom and work up. Start by introducing annual performance
reviews using basic competency models and goal plans. Expand
on this by adding more job-specific competencies and creating
stronger links between performance evaluations, pay, and
promotions. Move up further by adding calibration sessions and
reviewing talent reports at senior-level meetings to track
development and retention of high performers. The advantage of
this approach is that it allows managers to gradually learn the
skills needed to support more sophisticated performance
management methods.
6.6 CONCLUSION
Performance management is probably the most widely used and
most widely criticized strategic HR process. This chapter
explained why performance management is crucial for
maximizing workforce productivity and why it is often difficult
to do well. It provided guidelines for creating effective
performance management processes and called out problems
that occur when performance management methods are poorly
designed or improperly deployed. All companies treat certain
employees differently from others based on their performance.
In other words, all companies practice performance
management. But relatively few do it extremely well.

Companies that make a concerted effort to clearly communicate
performance expectations, fairly and accurately assess
employees against these expectations, and use this information
to guide employee development, compensation, and staffing
decisions have a significant and lasting advantage over
companies that manage people using poorly defined, highly
subjective, and poorly communicated techniques. Companies
that believe in the value of performance management believe
that employees should know what is expected of them and
should be fairly and consistently evaluated and rewarded based
on those expectations. These companies value transparency and
meritocracy.
They dislike talent decisions based largely on personal opinion
and unfounded claims about employee value. It basically comes
down to this question: Do you believe employees should
understand how their performance is defined, evaluated and
rewarded? If the answer is yes, then you believe in the value of
performance management.
Introduction (10 points)
-Identified relationship
-Indicated Why this relationship
-Purpose statement indicating concepts
-Brief synopsis of movie (option B only)
Body (80 points)
-Indicated concept/Term
-Defined using textbook definition, giving credit to authors
Adler & Towne
-Personal example/Movie example
-Motives for behavior/problems indicated
-Outcome
-Possible

Solution
s
-Appropriate concepts
-Pertinent examples
-Clear understanding of concepts used
Conclusion (10 points)
-Summarized or restated some concepts
-Final comments about the relationship
Mechanics (50 points)
-Grammar
-Spelling
-Punctuation
Format Requirements (50 points)
-Used 6 concepts
-BoldfacediItalicized/Under lined Concepts
-Proper spacing (double-spaced)
-5 Full pages
-One outside source, used and cited (Option A Only)

FINAL ESSAY COM110 Worth 200 points
COM110 Interpersonal Relationship Analysis-200 points
This is your FINAL for the class. Due Date is by the
end of class time.
ALL final papers must be handed in to the instructor-NO
EMAILS! You may turn the paper in at anytime before this date
and time. Papers NOT accepted after this date and time, you
will be given a “W” for the class if you don’t turn the paper in
by this deadline.
ANALYZE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP (Past or Present)
Your task is to descriptively and critically analyze the
communication youexperience in an interpersonal relationship
of your choice (spouse, family member, romantic partner, close
friend, boss). You must be one of the two people in the
relationship-don’t analyze your parents’ relationship. If you
choose to write about a son or daughter they must be at least 14
years or older.
The goal of this paper is to apply and combine the theories and
concepts of this course. Use 6 concepts, no more, no less from

the attached list and apply them to your relationship.
Each concept should be defined using the textbook definition.
Then give 1-2 examples per concept. Analyze the motives or
causes for you or the other person’s behavior. (This, of course
is your perception). Using what you have learned from this
class, generate solutions to identified problems and or find ways
to improve/change something in your relationship.
Specific Guidelines:
· All papers MUST be typed and double-spaced, 12 pt font
Times New Roman
· Minimum 5 maximum 7 pages (Minimum 1200 words)
· Define each concept with textbook definition (Glossary on
Canvas)
· Give 1-2 examples of how this concept is part of your
relationship
· Indicate how the relationship is affected (positive or
negative) by this concept and the outcome of the relationship
· Generate solutions or ways to improve the relationship
· Proofread carefully: Points will be deducted for poor spelling,
grammar and punctuation
· Use 1 outside reference to reinforce your ideas or concepts
(See possible websites on next page) No dictionaries,

encyclopedias (including wikipedia), or other class textbooks
will count as an outside source
See the following to find an outside source:
About.comSelfgrowth.comPsychology Today
American Anthropologist Family HealthHealthMen’s
HealthOprah.com
_____________________________________________________
__________________________________
SEE CANVAS FOR SAMPLES OF PREVIOUS STUDENT’S
RELATIONSHIP PAPERS.
GRADING RUBRIC
Introduction (10 points)
-Identified relationship
-Indicated Why this relationship
-Purpose statement indicating concepts
Body (80 points)
-Indicated concept/Term
-Defined using textbook definition, giving credit to authors

Adler & Towne
-Personal example
-Motives for behavior/problems indicated
-Outcome
-Possible

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