Chalkboard China Featured in December Issue of Stepmom Magazine

december 2011

Survival Tips
for Messy
Moments
PEACEMAKING
How No Response
Speaks Volumes
About to
Call it Quits?
Think Outside
the Box

haPPier
hoLidayS
Learn Acceptance
and Develop
New Traditions

PLUS
The Urban
Stepmom’s First
Christmas Fit for a
Rockefeller
Mediation 101
Lessons from a Newborn
The Stylish Stepmom’s
Holiday Gift Guide

december 2011
publisher and Founder
brenda ockun
publisher@stepmommag.com
art director
melissa beth Kelly
www.melissabethkelly.com
Copy editor
mary e. mccrank
marymccrank@yahoo.com
Web designer/programmer

December Features
Ken bass
kbass@kenbassconsulting.com

© 2008-2011 11 drama and the Messy Moment
StepMom Magazine is a by wedneSday martin, ph.d.
division of Stepmom enterprises. A holiday survival guide for women in repartnerships
all rights reserved.
with children.
The Mission of
StepMom Magazine 15 When You Want to quit, it May be
⊲ to help women successfully Time to Think Outside the Box
manage their roles, responsibilities
and emotions as stepmoms. by mary KeLLy-wiLLiamS, m.a.
⊲ to provide stepmoms informa- Ways to create space in your stepfamily when the
tion and tools that can improve pressure, chaos and problems are bigger than you
and enhance their interpersonal
relationships—and therefore help can handle.
marriages thrive and succeed.
⊲ to provide women a supportive, 19 acceptance is the Key to
safe and non-judgmental envi-
ronment where they can freely
Making Your Holidays Happier
discuss and gain insight about by SuSan SwanSon, LcSw, bcd
their unique role.
A personal account of learning patience and accep-
⊲ to increase society’s knowledge,
awareness and understanding tance and how to celebrate what you have.
about steplife and, as a result,
dispel negative perceptions about
stepmothers and stepfamilies. 21 The Gift of No Response
by heather hetchLer
Find Us on Facebook A lesson from the guys in keeping the peace.
www.facebook.com/
Stepmommagazine
23 Remodel Your Life From the inside Out:
Follow Us always do Your Best
on Twitter
by peggy noLan, m.a., ryt
@Stepmommagazine
The last part of our 12-month series on self-improvement
cheers the effort of always trying to be your best self.

our dECEMbEr
CovEr GIrl
Meet Jessica!
Jessica Guyer of Port Royal, Pennsylvania, is
a stepmom to a 10-year old girl and mother
to a 7-year old boy. She and her husband
have been together for two and a half years,
married for one year and have full custody
of both children. Jessica says: “Being a
stepmom is one of the hardest things I’ve
ever had to do in my life—and that’s saying a

December Departments
lot considering I have a full-time job, a part-
time job/hobby and a child with Asperger’s
syndrome.
I discovered StepMom Magazine at a
4 Brenda’s Corner
time when I was completely frustrated and Letter from the publisher.
stressed. Slowly, through time and each 5 Mailbox
monthly edition, my stress and frustrations
Readers respond to the November issue, as
started to melt away. One day this year, I
well as tell us what’s on their wish list.
had an epiphany and realized I was over the
hump! I now have a healthier marriage and 6 Urban Stepmom
family and accept my position gracefully. It Lisa Bagshaw looks back to her first
doesn’t matter if anyone else recognizes my Christmas as a stepmom.
role because I do.
Being a stepmom has helped my 8 Time Out
relationship with my son’s stepmom. My Emily Bouchard, MSSW, on bringing light to
stepdaughter can’t see her mom very often, the darkest time of the year
so I made sure I took my stepdaughter to 9 Legal Matters
her mom’s house on a surprise trick or Lara Badain, Esq. on mediation and how it
treat visit, which was well received. A few can help.
years ago, I became a
stepdaughter, so my 25 Outlook
next challenge is Events, Resources and Community.
learning how
to be a better
26 House Rules
stepdaughter.” Tara Eisenhard with her wish list for structure
in her stepfamily.
28 Stepmom Memoirs
Laura Petherbridge learns new lessons from
newborn members of the family.
29 From the Kitchen
The staff of Stepmom magazine offers up
their favorite desserts.
32 Stylish Stepmom
Heidi Ducato offers up a holiday gift guide
with her favorite Facebook finds.
34 Crafts with Your Stepkids
Wendy L. Deppe with some holiday crafts.
36 My Journal
37 Words of Wisdom

I
hope by the time you receive this issue of StepMom
Magazine, you are finding some time for yourself in
between the holidays that bring families together over food,
gifts and visits from out-of-town family members.

I also hope that the tips and solutions in last month’s issue helped you
get through the first round of the end-of-year holidays. The December
“Stepmothers issue offers even more tools for how to handle the stress.

everywhere are It is unfortunate that the holidays sometimes bring with them drama,

dealing with especially to stepfamilies, when they should simply be a time of
joy. The important thing to know is that you are not in this alone.
similar scenarios Stepmothers everywhere are dealing with similar scenarios and
learning important life skills that will assist them in overcoming these
and lEArNING challenges.

IMPortANt lIFE When I read the articles and advice columns for this issue, I could
relate to nearly every author. Some of the authors brought me back
SKIllS that will to my early days as a stepmom and helped me realize how far I’ve

assist them in come on this journey. I hope that wherever you are on your stepmom
journey this holiday season, you find this month’s articles of help.
overcoming these My wish for all of us in 2012 is that we stand up for ourselves, cele-
challenges.” brate who we are and find balance in our hectic lives.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday and a Happy New Year!

Brenda Ockun
Publisher and Founder

4
© 2011 Stepmom magazine

LeTTeRS TO THe ediTOR

Mailb x
the November Issue
as always, the november issue of
wish list
StepMom Magazine contained many We asked our
good, timely articles that got me
thinking. and as is usually the case, Facebook followers
my favorite was from wednesday what’s on their wish
martin. Something about her style
really strikes a cord with me! in her lists this season....
article (“have a good enough holiday
An amazing week full of tradition
Season”), she offers understanding,
and memories. Cookies, gingerbread
sympathy, validation and most impor-
houses, looking at lights and deco-
tantly for me, practical, real world
rating. And a Nespresso machine!
advice and examples. after reading
—AMY
her articles, or her book Stepmonster
for that matter, i always feel a little For things to go as so carefully
less crazy, a little less “selfish” for wanting to have my thoughts and planned between our three house-
feelings matter as much as those of my husband and his kids, and i holds, a great holiday photo, a simple
have concrete ideas of things that i can do differently to improve my morning with our boys, and a new
life that will benefit my dh (dear husband) and his kids too. pair of shoes.
this year my dh and i are hosting thanksgiving at our house —LAUREL
and having dh’s family and my family all together to celebrate for For the ex to find a great guy and
the first time since we married four years ago (all 20 of us!!). i am begin a new life.
Very thankful for the opportunity to establish some of our own —AMY
traditions while honoring the existing traditions of both families. i am
Very thankful for supportive parents and brothers who have always #1 on my wish list is to get a Holiday
accepted my stepkids as niece/nephew/grandchildren (through this picture of my two girls and my two
magazine, i now realize that not everyone has that luxury). and i am stepsons to send out to all of our
Very thankful for a fabulous mother-in-law who is also a stepmom family and friends.
and has given me invaluable advice while simultaneously giving me —CARRIE
the room to make my own mistakes and find my own way. My holiday wish is for a wonderful
—FROM THE STEPMOM MAGAZINE FORUM day with no fighting with my
husband and four stepchildren!
i’ve gotten consumed by every issue of StepMom Magazine i’ve —STEPHANIE
read. not all articles apply to me but it’s fantastic to have those A massage and a hot chocolate.
monthly reminders that what i’m feeling is normal...and that monthly —HEATHER
reminder that it’s okay to back out of situations with the ex and
We get more time with my step-
let things work themselves out. i choose articles for my boyfriend
daughters this year. We’ve only
to read, or i read parts to him that i care about. i read heather
had them one day for the whole
hetchler’s three-part “Jealousy” series to him, and it really helped
break, now we get half the break! I
us put his daughter’s behavior into perspective. we’ve now set up a
just want everyone to have fun and
new mid-week father/daughter night and are hopeful that will help all
enjoy our increased time together!
of us better deal with jealousy issues.
–DEANNA
—SUBSCRIBER ALISON

lEttErS to thE EdItor should be emailed to publisher@stepmommag.com. Letters may be edited for space or clarity.
If you wish to remain anonymous, please let us know in your submission.

5

L i S a B a G S H a W ’ S Ta K e O N S T e p M O M L i F e

Stepmom’s First Christmas
Where Naive Expectations Meet New Realities
by LiSa bagShaw

N
ot too long ago, I would be Several other kidless friends would do the
spending my time off at Christmas same. We would spend the days cross-country
up at a friend’s ranch in northern skiing, horseback riding and sleigh riding.
British Columbia. I would finish At night, we would cook huge feasts for each
work early and my Border collie, Dexter, and other and bundle up and sit outside by the fire
I would hit the road for the six-hour drive pit drinking wine into the wee hours and then
into a winter wonderland. enjoy sleeping in the next day.
I would leave behind my condo, empty of This is how I spent Christmas for about
festive decorations—not even a tree. eight years, in peaceful bliss. Then I met my
husband and his 4-year-old twin boys and
let’s just say Christmas, among all holidays,
was no longer the same.

I decorated the house and
tree in shiny new baubles and
prepared a feast and table
that would hAvE MAdE EvEN
MArthA Proud.

best-laid Plans
In my usual, can-do new stepmom spirit, I
threw myself into creating a Christmas fit for
a Rockefeller. I hit the mall every night to
shop for the best gifts, decorated the house
and tree in shiny new baubles and prepared
a feast and table that would have made even
Martha proud. I had no previous experience
with any of this, but I knew I had to make
my first Christmas with the kids spectacular.
I even bought matching pajamas for all four
of us to wake up in on Christmas morning. I
had the whole thing planned by the minute
and hoped everyone would be impressed and

6

have the best Christmas ever! one of the boys turned to their dad and said,
Now on my eighth Christmas, I can see how “She’s not staying the night, is she?”
back then I set myself up for disappointment That was it. I politely excused myself and
and a pity party of epic proportion. took my rum and eggnog to the bathroom,
There were so many first-time stepmom locked the door and took a long bath.
factors for which I had not accounted. First Years later, I have learned that it isn’t that
of all, the twins’ parents could not agree on no one appreciates my efforts or values what
how they were going to divide the kids’ time I have given up to create a life with children
on Christmas. Who was going to get them who are not my own. Rather, I have learned
on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and that Christmas and other holidays are not
Christmas dinner? There was a lot of drama about me. This is a tough pill for a new and
that I had not expected. Then there was talk eager childless stepmom to accept. Christmas
that we would all spend Christmas together— can be a time of great emotional turmoil
the boys, their mom and her boyfriend, for everyone in a new family dynamic, and
their dad and his girlfriend. My vision of the it is up to the stepmom to be sensitive and
perfect family Christmas was slowly chipping respectful of the transition, not only so she
away into “A Nightmare on Elm Street.” doesn’t wind up locking herself in the bath-
room for hours on special occasions but
also because it is the best gift she can give
everyone involved.
Not only did everyone I still try to create a wondrous Christmas
experience for the kids and my family, but
rEFuSE to PArtICIPAtE in my expectations are different. I do it more
for my own sense of pride and enjoyment and
this fun new tradition, but because deep down I know the boys appre-

one of the boys turned to ciate the continuity of Christmas traditions.
I feel good knowing they feel warm, safe and
their dad and said, “She’s loved on Christmas.
It isn’t a fancy-free time—like cavorting in
not staying the night, is she?” the snow with my childless friends—but there
is a depth of importance of the stepmom’s
role that brings a deeper meaning and new
sense of giving to this time of year. And isn’t
There also was the issue of gifts for the that what it’s all about? O
kids. I had excitedly bought lots of gifts for
the boys only to find out that I had to run
them by their mom so she didn’t either get lISA bAGShAw is an Urban
them the same thing or something of lesser Stepmom (successful, childless
value. This was becoming very complicated. career woman who meets a
man with kids later in life) who
married for the first time at 43. She
Managing Expectations balances a demanding career in
When things finally got sorted out and the media and life with her husband,
four of us were sitting around admiring (in twin 10-year-old stepsons, a dog and two cats in
my dreams) the perfectly decorated house for Vancouver, BC. Catch her lessons learned at blog
www.urbanstepmom.com or on Twitter at @
Christmas Eve, I brought out the matching urbanstepmom. She is currently writing a book, A
pajamas. Not only did everyone refuse to Survival Guide for the Urban Stepmom and is open
participate in this fun new tradition, but to any and all tips.

7

brighten up
Bringing Light to the Darkest Time of the Year
by emiLy bouchard, mSSw

A
re you finding that What is it for you?
holiday joys are Being curious about what
being impacted matters most to you can also
by stress, money open up a conversation with
woes and shorter days? Are your stepchildren and your
you finding that tempers are spouse or partner about what
beginning to flare and fuses matters most to them as
are short in your stepfamily? well. Using this time of year
A simple, low-cost and vital to explore and discover even
way to shift moods and bring more about each other is one
more enjoyment to this time of of the greatest gifts you can
year is to focus on your light. give to your family—espe-
Stepmoms are in a unique cially when you can connect
position to bring warmth and around a few key things that
affection onto their families matter to all of you and look
and into their homes in delib- at ways of incorporating
erate, specific ways. those things into your rituals
A stepmother’s well-being and new traditions.
dramatically improves when she I encourage stepmothers I coach Remember, there’s no right or
realizes that her light—comprised to consider what aspects of the wrong way to celebrate the holidays.
of her brilliance, gifts, warmth holidays matter most to them and The more open you are to
and love—is not diminished in the to make their inner light shine even learning ways that brighten your
slightest when she offers her light more brightly. For some, it’s as days during this time of year, the
to the lives and hearts of all the simple as stringing lights around more joy and less stress all of you
members of her family. the windows and trees and bringing will experience. O
The sharing of one’s light is best that feeling of warmth and light into
accomplished by: their home.
⊲ Remembering that the joy of For others, it is finding beau-
giving a gift is in the giving, not in tiful candles for the menorah and EMIly bouChArd
being attached to how it is received. creating a sacred, special time when founded www.blended-
each is lit or the music that brings families.com to provide
⊲ Not taking the responses (or lack tools to dramatically
cheer into the home.
thereof) personally. They will do improve relationships in
Still, for others, it is the delight blended families. A leading
what they do.
they feel in taking out favorite expert in the field, Emily has been featured
The key is to be who you are and holiday recipes and making dishes on numerous TV and Radio shows including
enjoy yourself. Be open to including and baked goods that remind them The Today Show and NPR, and has been
quoted in print around the world, in publica-
your family members if they choose of happier times when they were
tions such as Newsweek and The New York
to join you—and prepare yourself for sharing the love of the holidays with Times.
the fact that they may not want to. their mothers or grandmothers. Photo by Melissa MerMin, www.MelissaMerMin.coM.

8

L a R a B a da i N , e S q. a N S W e R S YO U R L e Ga L q U e ST i O N S

Legal Matters
Mediation 101 lArA bAdAIN,
ESq. is an attorney
specializing in mari-

A
tal and family law.
fter recently completing a lengthy She is licensed to
practice in New York
training course on mediation, I
State and the State
thought it might be helpful to of California. To
share some information about contact Lara directly
the concept and benefits of mediation as for a personal
it applies specifically to family and divorce consultation, call:
585-385-2510.
conflict resolution.
What is mediation? Mediation is an
alternative way to resolve disputes and can
be applicable in many areas of law: family
and divorce, family business, general busi- Mediation:
ness, labor, educational and others. With ⊲ Is entirely voluntary—nothing is imposed
respect to the resolution of conflict in family on you, you make the decisions which will
and divorce matters, mediation can offer affect you;
a welcome alternative to traditional litiga-
tion and the court system—which is typically ⊲ Is generally less expensive than litigation
expensive, time consuming and often does and the participants share in the cost of one
not allow the parties to participate directly mediator;
in the outcome of their case. In other words, ⊲ Is also generally less costly emotionally as
the judge will make the decisions for you—on the parties work together to reach a mutually
some of the most important issues affecting acceptable resolution;
your life.
⊲ Fosters respect and cooperation as opposed
Conversely, mediation is based on the
to antagonism and contentiousness;
principles of self-determination and active
participation. A mediator acts as a neutral ⊲ Usually takes less time to complete—the
third party to facilitate a conversation schedule is determined by you;
between you and the person with whom you
⊲ Offers freedom of choice and creativity—
need to reach agreement. As the process
agreements are determined by the parties
develops, the mediator helps you learn and
based on their individual needs, not the impo-
understand the information you need to
sition of someone else’s values (like a judge’s);
make well-informed choices; helps you weigh
your options and explore resources to assist ⊲ Works for both low- and high-conflict
you in making decisions; facilitates commu- parties—mediators are conflict resolution
nication as conflict arises; helps you reduce specialists trained to facilitate conversations
your agreement to writing; and, thereafter, where conflict exists. Mediation actually
the mediator assists in selecting an appro- tends to de-escalate conflict.
priate professional (in the case of family and
divorce matters—an attorney) to advise you One might assume that an attorney would
and finalize the paperwork. be less likely to advocate for the mediation

The views or opinions expressed in this column are not intended as legal advice to be relied upon by the reader. It is highly recom-
mended that readers consult with their own legal counsel in their state of residency for specific legal advice. StepMom Magazine is not
an attorney referral service nor does it make any recommendations or endorsements of the use of any attorney’s services.

9

Legal Matters

process because, simply put, it undercuts In New York, mediators are not regulated
their livelihood. That may be true for some by the state. There is no licensing require-
attorneys, but not for me. I have always been ment or other government oversight. That
a proponent of mediation, especially when is why it is so important to do your research
it comes to family related disputes. No one before choosing a mediator. You must
knows or understands better the issues that choose someone who understands both the
families face than the family members them- concept of mediation and the underlying
selves. Why should they entrust their family’s substantive issues and law. Some attorneys
future to unknown third parties (lawyers are trained mediators and can be a great
and judges) when they can determine their option as they are obviously familiar with
course themselves? Obviously, in these situ- the underlying substantive law. In addition,
ations conflict is present, and in some cases attorneys who are not opposed to the idea of
the courts and litigation is unavoidable. mediation can be great referral sources and
But mediators are trained to handle conflict know of mediators (both attorney and non-
and despite the most opposing viewpoints, attorney) who are well-trained and educated.
if people are willing to listen and remain In summary, it can be a most rewarding
open to possibilities, even the most seem- experience to participate in the resolution
ingly adversarial parties can benefit from of your own conflict in a responsible and
mediation. satisfying way. O

10

dr AM A
and The MeSSy MoMenT
a hoLiday
SUrvivaL GUide
for Women in
Repartnerships with
Children
by wedneSday martin, ph.d.

H
ow many times has it
happened to you?
After weeks, months
or even years of negoti-
ating, arguing and “working on it”
with your husband or partner, his
daughter, over dinner with grandma
and grandpa, asks, “Dad, can I have
$300 for my senior trip to Cancun?”
Or his ex “dumps” the kids on your
doorstep just as you’re departing for a
romantic weekend away. Or an adult
stepchild with a substance abuse
issue shows up for the family holiday
party at your place drunk or high. Or
maybe it’s as simple—but as fraught—
as a neighbor asking you and your
partner, while you’re out for a walk,
“Kids aren’t here for the holiday?
How come?”
And your husband does or says the
wrong thing. He covers for the adult
kid who is high, or makes excuses

11

for him and says you’re “too harsh.” He tells
his daughter, “Sure sweetie, we can help you
A Messy Moment is an
with that” because he is too conflicted—and
too embarrassed in front of his parents—to
instance when you ANd your
punt the question until you two can discuss it PArtNEr ArE CAuGht oFF
in private. He cancels your romantic getaway
on a dime because this is his child and this GuArd, and your agenda
is his child’s home, too, and his child’s mom
says he has to stay here this weekend. He’s comes up against that of his
making the best decision he can under pres-
sure. Or, after the neighbor or acquaintance
kids, his parents, his ex or
asks the insensitive question, he gets sad— him, with a resounding thud.
and then gets mad at you, accusing you of
“changing everything in my relationship with
my kids so they won’t even come here.”
previous promise or commitment because we
recognizing the Messy Moment are afraid of looking bad in front of others,
The holidays may be all about good cheer, we forget a previous agreement we made
but for those of us in repartnerships with with a partner, are worried we might hurt a
children, they also have their share of what I child or adult child’s feelings, feel pressured
have come to think of as Messy Moments. A to decide something right this instant, or (in
Messy Moment is an instance when you and the case of the neighbor’s question) allow
your partner are caught off guard, and your ourselves to get “triggered” or activated by
agenda comes up against that of his kids, his an unresolved or lingering and emotionally
parents, his ex or him, with a resounding painful issue.
thud. Often, angry accusations and the falling The Messy Moment is the mother of all
into old patterns follow. You’ll know you’re drama, the place and time where our issues
falling prey to Messy Moments if you hear as individuals, couples and family systems
yourself saying things like: come together in a big, overwhelming-
“You always let your ex rain on our seeming jumble that can leave us with knots
parade! Why didn’t you stand up to her this in our stomachs and anger in our chests.
time?!”
“You promised not to give your kids Give the Messy Moment the
money over and above the separation agree- heave-ho
ment without talking to me about it first—but Now what? Rather than falling prey to the
you just did it again!” Messy Moment, step back. The goal here is
“Why would you let him be drunk/high to come up with a plan to take the pressure
around us and our kids? Haven’t we talked off him and you when it comes to interac-
about this a million times?!” tions with his kids and his ex. “Sure,” you’re
“I can’t believe you’re back to blaming thinking right now as you roll your eyes.
me for complaining about what they do and “That should be easy.”
saying I’m the problem, rather than holding Actually, it can be. Here’s how. First,
your kids and ex accountable. I can’t take this calmly in your mind, think through the issues
anymore!” you would most like to address together.
Find a stress-free time to tell your husband
why do we have Messy Moments? you are committed to standing by him and
The Messy Moment happens when we make supporting him in stressful situations and
a less than ideal decision or deviate from a that you want to come up with a plan that

12

will help you both and strengthen your bond. Make Sure your Asks are reasonable
Ask him to help you come up with a day and Some possible behavior-based solutions to
time when you can give this exercise half an problems that seem insurmountable and
hour or so together. endlessly recurring might include:
At your first session, you can usher in “I will let my son know before his next
a spirit of collaboration by acknowledging visit that if he is drunk or high in our home,
that like all remarriages with children, yours he will have to leave.” Maybe you think his
has some issues. By listing those issues son should be in rehab, but what can you do
and addressing them as a team, you can about that? Limiting your Asks helps your
take away some of their divisive power and case and is fair all around.
actually come together as a couple. Tell
your partner you want to start by and stick
to simply listing problems, not perceived
failings or personality flaws. Not “You are At your first session, you can
too permissive with your son,” but “John
comes to our house drunk/high and that is
usher in a spirit of collaboration
unhealthy for him, us and our children.” Not
“You don’t want me to have a relationship
by acknowledging that lIKE All
with my kids,” rather “I would like to have an rEMArrIAGES wIth ChIldrEN,
open-door policy for my kids visiting and you
want them to ask first.” You might have to yours has some issues.
practice restating each problem in the most
non-accusatory language possible!
After you have whittled down your issues— “If my ex calls and says we ‘have to’ take
try to keep it to the four or five that recur and the kids at a time we are not supposed to/
matter the most—check in with each other. when we have a plan to go away, I will not
Congratulations are in order if you have agree until I speak to you first.” You’re not
achieved this without attacking one another. asking him to see less of his kids, but to
Your next task is to propose constructive treat you as a partner in decisions about
solutions to each issue and let your husband time together and/or to factor in that you
or partner do the same. No blaming language had another plan and now must figure out
or “you always, you never” language is together what to do next.
allowed for this or any other part of the work. “I will tell my children they cannot leave
No “kitchen sinking,” either—throwing in a wet towels on the floor when they are in our
jab like, “Your mother is even worse than home, and that it is their responsibility to
my ex,” for example, or, “Last year at your set the table before dinner, and put their
daughter’s wedding you…” Forget it. Stick own dishes in the dishwasher. If they do
to the task. Together. (Keep in mind that 20 not, they will get a warning. The next time,
minutes or half an hour at a time is enough the consequence will be X.” You’re step-
for some couples. If you have to walk away ping out of the line of fire here, giving your
from the work and schedule a time the next husband an opportunity to parent effectively
day or the next week to continue, make sure and reducing the likelihood that he will say,
you end on a high note. “I thought it was “What? I didn’t know they were supposed to
great that you suggested/agreed with me that do that.”
when your ex calls during dinner time or As for you, how about this: “I promise that
on date night, it goes to voicemail as a rule. if you make a mistake in terms of sticking to
Thanks for that.” Or, “I don’t think we’re so the things we have in our agreement, I will
far apart on the issue of Y. That makes me not yell, and I will not put you down. I will
feel hopeful and relieved.”) not say ‘You always’ or ‘You never.’ I promise

13

to couch my criticism or unhappiness in
constructive language.”
Your goal here is collaboration and clarity.
The purpose is to head off misunderstand-
ings at the pass and have a guideline that
makes potentially fraught moments and
interactions simpler.

Put It In writing
Any therapist who works with
remarrieds with kids will tell you
that they often hear them complain
of their spouses, “She totally
reneged on her promise!” or, “He
has told me a hundred times he
will do X, but then he doesn’t!”
When a task or commitment is
unpleasant—“I will tell my ex that
I am not picking up her calls and Eventually, thE MESSy
So
will only communicate via email”;
MoMENt woN’t bE
“I will not give my grown-up son
money without consulting with my thrEAtENING, and h
olidays
now”
and other “all together
partner first”; “As frustrated as I am
by this pattern, I will not yell when it

events may well feel less
happens”—we might actually “forget” a
promise or something we have agreed to.
This tendency, combined with the pressure
of the Messy Moment, makes it imperative
like a test and more like
that you put the guidelines for difficult situ- a real pleasure!
ations you and your partner came up with
together IN WRITING. And print it out.
Two copies. And sign it. And refer to it. And
remind one another about it. Your guide-
lines or contract can clarify how to deal with sional therapist to help you come up with an
the inevitable Messy Moments of steplife. agreement that works for you both. But once
Another upside: When there is a contract, you have done it, you have a living document
there is no need to nag, only to say, “It’s in you can both refer to and even change over
our agreement, remember?” time as the situation on the ground evolves.
Look for sample partner agree- Eventually, the Messy Moment won’t be
ments, contracts and guidelines on my so threatening, and holidays and other “all
website (www.wednesdaymartin.com). together now” events may well feel less like a
And remember you might need a profes- test and more like a real pleasure! O

wEdNESdAy MArtIN, Ph.d., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: A
New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a
regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster)
and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own website (www.wednesdaymartin.com).
She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and
NBC Weekend Today and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page.
Stepmonster was a finalist in the parenting category of the 2010 “Books for a Better Life”
award. A stepmother for a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her
stepdaughters are young adults.

14

When yoU WanT
To QUiT, iT May
Be TiMe To...

by mary KeLLy-wiLLiamS, m.a.

T
his message is for those You had good intentions. You love them, and you felt ready for
of you who have had it. loved the man with whom you the task.
You’re exhausted, you’re chose to partner. You gladly You jumped in headfirst with
hurt, you’re angry and you accepted the responsibilities that resolve and enthusiasm. You were
are so close to calling your marriage you thought went along with the more than capable of doing this.
quits and don’t know where else to title stepmother. The two of you You helped your partner with his
turn. The first thing that comes out entered as a team, hand in hand, children. You drove them to their
of your mouth is, “I had no idea vowing that your family would be soccer games, picked them up
it would be like this.” You’ve been merging, that you would love his from school, washed their clothes
working at it for what seems to be kids and that if you had any they and made numerous attempts to
a ridiculously long time and you’re would love him. You thought to connect with them so they would
over it. Done. Stick me with a fork yourself that surely any child could know that you cared.
kind of stuff. use more people in their lives to You took the role of stepmother

15

seriously. It had the word mother in
it, after all, so surely that’s what it
thE MArrIAGE MuSt CoME FIrSt.
meant, despite that you were child- PErIod. Yes, you have primary
less. Your heart and efforts were
continual and wholehearted. responsibility for your children, and
And then reality set in. Let’s be
honest. Reality can be a bitch. your partner has responsibility for his.
Weeks, months, even years later,
it dawned on you that you could no
But we don’t need to have to become
longer see the forest through the
trees. You felt swallowed up by the
the sacrificial lamb for a system that
continual intrusion of the ex, the brings so much dysfunction into it...
resentment and disrespect of your
partner’s kids and your partner’s
seemingly permissive and casual
nature. You felt unheard and disre- person am I? I don’t even like his most certainly out of our control.
spected when he chose his children kids, let alone love them!” And You would be doing a great
over you, time after time after time. the judgment voices inside your service to yourself to be kind
And you began to wonder what the head got louder and louder as they and accept that you are not Mary
hell you were doing with your life. screamed, “What kind of a selfish Poppins and Mother Teresa rolled
You lost connection with you. person are you?” into one, despite the strong desire
So, you hit a wall and began to Sound familiar? Yes, I know, it of your husband for you to be so.
think about leaving. You had made sounds more than familiar. And let Desperate times call for desperate
a mistake of gargantuan nature. me be the first, or the tenth or the measures, and I’ve worked with
Yes, you loved the man. That’s thousandth person to tell you, no, many the couple that came into
what seduced you into the whole you are not a horrible person. You session at the end of their rope and
crazy system in the first place. You are normal. had sadly come to the conclusion
dated, you were lovers, you were that their only option was divorce.
connected and he was your soul Acceptance and Guile Well, maybe it is and maybe
mate. But then you found yourself Believe it or not, there’s hope. But it isn’t. Let me offer a couple of
having a hard time even looking at in order for there to be hope, you last-resort techniques that may
him. The thought of knowing his will need to think outside the box. save your marriage. Remember
children were on their way over So often in second families, we that? You and your partner must
made your heart race and prompted bring the first-family model into remember that because it’s the
the desire to want to run and the marriage. We act as if we are a reason you’re together in the first
escape for parts unknown. first family and therefore if there is place. And don’t forget that you are
Your friends and relatives who enough love—because surely love modeling marriage to all the chil-
weren’t part of a stepfamily system conquers all, and we are inherently dren involved and that as a couple
were of no help. “You knew it was loving people—our love will be big you must take responsibility for
a package deal when you married enough to disarm the messy and preserving that marriage if there is
him,” they would say with such complicated system into which we a way to do that.
casualness and dismissiveness you so voluntarily entered. The marriage must come first.
had to fight the urge to not reach But there are some situations Period. Yes, you have primary
across the table and strangle them. we enter into, such as drug abuse, responsibility for your children,
And you felt guilty and full of pregnancy, mental illness or bullying and your partner has responsi-
shame. “What kind of horrible by one stepchild to another, that are bility for his. But we don’t need to

16

And for many of you, you MuSt
GEt SPACE FroM thE ChAoS,
thE dIFFICultIES ANd thE
ACtING out of children toward
you when truly their anger
would be more appropriately
directed at their parents, where
it most likely belongs.

have to become the sacrificial lamb Remember that? That time when not the Spawn of Satan as your
for a system that brings so much you fell madly in love? When you stepchildren or even your husband
dysfunction into it or the dysfunc- just knew you couldn’t live without might imply.
tion that may arise during it. And this man in your life? And for many of you, you must
you don’t have to make the home For any stepcouple, there must get space from the chaos, the diffi-
a kidcentric one out of guilt, fear be date night and there must be a culties and the acting out of chil-
or shame. And you don’t have to partner who is willing to back you dren toward you when truly their
cater to the guilt and shame of your and support you in front of his chil- anger would be more appropriately
husband because he chose to, in dren. Your partner must learn to, directed at their parents, where it
his first marriage, marry someone at the minimum, teach his children most likely belongs.
who either turned out to be crazy, Basic Etiquette 101 when you are all This is when it’s time to think
alcoholic or drug dependent—or in the home. You must be acknowl- outside the box. Allow me to
whatever long list of reasons the edged, thanked for what you do and elaborate. A separation for a first
first marriage didn’t work out to treated like a decent human being. family is quite different than
begin with. You must find a therapist who creating separate spaces for the
You are not God and you are not understands the intricate compli- couple in a second family. Creating
going to be the savior for anyone cations of stepfamily life and, separate spaces for the subsequent
else’s children. It is your partner’s quite frankly, a pitiful few exist. marriage, whether it’s the second
mess to clean up. The focus must You must gain support from other or the fourth, can literally save the
be returned to the reason why stepmothers who get it so you marriage. There are different ways
you got together in the first place. understand you are not alone and to create this space.

17

outside the box tips
Here are some different ways to Additional resource
create space in your stepfamily For more support on this, i work with many stepmothers and step-
when the pressure, chaos and prob- couples through Skype, phone or Facetime to help with the many
lems of it are bigger than you and challenges and difficulties that occur in second families. because
your marriage is about to become so many lack the resources near them geographically, i have
yet another dismal statistic: found great success when working in this technological medium.
For more information, visit www.marriedwithbaggage.com. Feel
⊲ EStAblISh bouNdArIES. Make
free to call or email for a complimentary 15-minute consultation.
sure you have appropriate bound-
aries as it relates to your partner’s
children. Make sure you are not
trying to clean up a mess that is not them. For example, I knew of one anger and, ultimately, divorce. I
yours to clean up. Make sure that childfree woman who maintained worked with a couple who operated
when you do volunteer to do some- her apartment when she married in different homes for 10 years as I
thing, you do so because you want her husband. The week he had described above, and guess what?
to, not because you fear your partner parenting time with his sons was They had a fantastic marriage!
will be mad or upset with you. the week she stayed in her apart-
ment. The week that he didn’t, she ⊲ thINK loNG tErM. Remember,
⊲ tAKE FrEquENt brEAKS ANd joined him in their marital home. that everything is temporary. Yes,
tIME AloNE. Many stepmothers who I know this sounds drastic, but it really is. The goal is to get these
find themselves with oppositional remember the wisdom of the adage, kids out of the house and into the
stepchildren through no fault of their “Absence makes the heart grow world and finally be able to enjoy
own or their spouses, choose to plan fonder.” Honestly, any marriage— your life and time with your spouse.
other activities for themselves when

G
first, second or otherwise—would do
the children are present in the home. et creative. Get solution
well to have more time and space
This could be as minimal as spending oriented. Know that during
apart. It is not something to fear but
more time in one’s room (although times of intensity, it’s
to welcome, and for many this last
this could quickly feel like a time out, natural to want to run away. But
resort has been a marriage saver.
and that’s not going to work) or use when you and yours are willing to
the time to pursue careers, activi- ⊲ IGNorE thE CrItICS. Don’t focus on the relationship and the
ties, time with friends or just plain care about what other people value of it, it’s more than possible
self-care while allowing your partner think, including the children. You to walk through the fire to get to
to be responsible for the care and married or chose to be with your the other side. You just may need to
needs of his children. He most likely partner despite the presence of think outside the box to get there. O
managed it before he met you, and he his children, not because of them.
can certainly manage it once again. Even the people you are closest
to can be judgmental, and it is a
⊲ MAINtAIN A dIFFErENt rESI- MAry KElly-wIllIAMS,
fundamental task of our develop-
dENCE. Yes, you heard me. I’ve M.A., is a therapist,
ment as human beings to learn to
worked with couples who have mother of four and
not care about what other people ally to her husband’s
realized that due to the difficulties
think about the choices we need daughter. Mary practices
occurring with the children of one in Boulder, Colorado,
to make in order to be true and
of the partners (drugs, pregnancy, and regularly conducts
authentic to ourselves.
mental disorders, etc.) that the only workshops for couples and women with
way to save the marriage was to stepchildren. As well as in-person coun-
⊲ doN’t bE A MArtyr. Piggy- seling, Mary offers telephone stepparent
live apart during the times that the backing on No. 4, becoming a coaching. For more information, visit her
parent had their children living with martyr leads to illness, resentment, website: www.marriedwithbaggage.com.

18

Acceptance
is the
KEY to Making your
Holidays Happier
by SuSan SwanSon, LcSw, bcd

N
ine years ago, I discovered my husband
had never had a birthday party given
for him. As the new girlfriend and the
replacer of all things he never had, I
decided to have a party for him, and his 15-year-
old daughter agreed it was a great idea. We were
going to do it together. How fun! It would be the
first event we planed together for her dad. We
had a common goal. She wanted him to have a
girlfriend, and now here I was. However, there
was so much I was about to learn. My boyfriend’s
daughter, who was talented and creative in her
own right, held back every time I asked for her
opinion. I thought I broke the ice when we went
shopping together and she got to pick out the
colors and paper products (I even let her pick
the Over the Hill birthday plates, even though
I personally didn’t think he was over any hill,
exactly).
I was continually experiencing resistance. A
conversation would be ignored about the party
and then she was off to her mother’s. So, I would
make certain decisions, and when she came
back we would talk about it. She rarely had an
opinion. I was becoming so frustrated. The day
of the party, she stayed mostly in her room. She
would venture out on occasion, tell me things
looked nice, but never offering to help. If I asked

19

her to do anything, she would do
that one thing and disappear. Fifty
Acceptance. Developing new
people were coming, and it was my
first time meeting everyone. I was
traditions.... thIS IS how wE wIll ENtEr
very nervous, not only about the our holIdAy SEASoN and—for the first
party coming together but about
his enjoyment of the party, my time in years—celebrate what we do
daughter coming and both of us
meeting all of his friends and family have rather than what we can’t have.
for the first time. So much pressure.
She was cute and delightful simply ignoring me. hold, we have to accept that holi-
during the party but refused to And what was not so apparent days pose a special problem for him
help. Having a daughter who then was the conflict of loyalty and are when his loyalty conflicts
already hit the 15-year-old phase, I she was caught in as her mother’s become very strong and cause him
cut her a lot of slack. “Teenagers,” I birthday—who was always the stress.
said to myself. “They say one thing parent upon which the focused was So, we pick up and create a new
and do another. Getting them to do placed—was three days later. sense of family. We always tell each
anything is often like pulling teeth.” I am grateful my husband is a other, “This should have been so
realist and didn’t hold expecta- much easier,” yet we both know

S
everal days later, my tions that this could have been done that it isn’t the case. It’s sad. And
boyfriend (now my husband differently. She acted friendly and it’s a loss for us and for the way
of four years), asked me willing to offer her amazing color we hoped we could have moved
how it went, so I told him. “Well, counsel to decisions for another two forward in our lives. Our mutual
no wonder,” he said. “Her mother years. But eventually the workings of desire to have holidays filled with
did everything. She was absolutely her mother—to get my stepdaughter love and family had became frac-
in control, and no one could even to view me as a phony and someone tured long ago—when we both
make a suggestion. She would tell only trying to be nice to her because decided we could no longer function
her and her brother what to do I was with her father—took hold. in our previous marriages.
every step of the way. They never

W A
had to think for themselves.” hat have I learned? Well, cceptance. Developing new
Ah! I knew in the ways of control nothing really except traditions. Grieving what
I was very different from her these things happen. If won’t be there. Moving on.
mother and much more like her we were given a chance over time This is how we will enter our holiday
dad. I was, in fact, expecting her to talk these things through, then season and—for the first time in
to think for herself and, of course, this could have become a story she years—celebrate what we do have
as the new kid on the block wasn’t and I shared years later. But when rather than what we can’t have.
going to push her by directing her the resistance is there, the nega- I’m going to go decorate now.
or getting upset with her. There is tive messages about loyalty are Happy Holidays! O
always the sense that you’re walking pushed and a complete disinterest
on eggshells at the beginning of in having a relationship becomes
these new relationships. more the reality, then your hope for SuSAN SwANSoN,
I learned a lot that day. Kids get a friendly relationship dies. lCSw, bCd, is the
used to the personalities they grow With the holidays approaching, executive director and
up with. As my attempts to talk my husband and I talked about how founder of The Step-
Family Center in Beverly
with her about the party were met much we both wanted a sense of Hills, Calif. She is a noted
with, “No, it was fun,” or, “It came family. He and I share a wonderful authority on issues
out nice,” I had to let it go. It was relationship with my daughter. His involving divorce and remarriage with
the beginning of the struggle that son is navigating the two families children. “The Susan Swanson Show” is
a weekly radio show on The Healthy Life
would escalate over the next several after several years of conflictual
Radio Network: www.healthylife.net. You
years, where any of my attempts feelings. While he has shown a may contact Susan through her website at
to help her were rejected by her desire to be a part of our house- www.stepfamilycenter.com.

20

The Gift of
No Response
a Lesson in
peacemaking
froM The GUyS

by heather hetchLer

M
en. Sometimes they drive us
crazy, yet we can learn so
much from them. I’m blessed
by a wonderfully committed
and flexible husband. I’m also thankful to
have a good working relationship with my
ex-husband. As the holidays draw close,
I’m reminded of how my husband contrib-
utes to my positive co-parenting relation-
ship with my ex-husband and particularly
of a situation that occurred last winter that
serves as a lesson in peacemaking for all
stepmoms.
It was winter break, and my husband
and I were in the kitchen enjoying some
hot chocolate. He had recently finished
snowblowing our driveway and the garage
door was still up. Out of the blue, one of
my sons walked into the kitchen from the
garage announcing he was home to grab
his snow pants because dad was taking
them sledding.
Hearing commotion in the garage and
figuring all the kids were getting their
sleds, I opened the door to say hi and give
them a hand. Not only were my other three

21

children in the garage collecting
their snow gear, but my ex-husband
My husband stepfamily burdens as opportunities
for growth.” My husband used this
was in there grabbing a sled for recognized he situation as an opportunity to serve
himself without asking. He then me and our family with peace and
continued to walk over to the snow- was upset, but he grace. He took the high road and
blower and make a few comments we all benefited from his choice.
to my husband and I about its also recognized Because his response created zero
power capabilities as he pretended
to use it. I could feel my husband
that getting upset conflict for me, I had the emotional
energy to address the situation in a
standing behind me, and I could would SErvE No positive way.
only imagine what was running
through his mind as he watched my PurPoSE. Justification vs. tact
ex-husband walk out of the garage I can’t guarantee another’s
with his sled with a thank-you for it behavior, but I can set up bound-
and after putting his hands on the While I could tell he was irritated, aries to help prevent this type of
snowblower. he calmly said to me that while it situation from reoccurring. I sent
I don’t have to be a rocket scien- really upset him that my ex just my ex-husband an email the next
tist to relate to what just happened. walked in and helped himself to day saying that I hoped they had a
I know that for a guy, having your our stuff without asking, he added great time sledding and asked him
wife’s ex-husband walk into your that he knew it would do no good to either give me a call or email
garage and take stuff without to make a big scene. He said, “I me the next time they are going to
permission is like our partner’s ex realized it is more important for do something where they need to
walking into our kitchen and just you and for us to have a positive stop by and pick up stuff so I can
borrowing some cooking uten- co-parenting relationship with your have it ready. While my ex-husband
sils or raiding our closet and just ex than it is to say something, and perceived the email as a favor to
borrowing a purse or shoes without I’m not going to put you in the him, my heart’s true intention was
asking. It defies logic and unspoken middle to say something to him. It’s to do a favor for my husband. The
remarriage rules. not worth rocking the big picture.” motivation behind the email was
After the car drove away, my My husband recognized he to help eliminate the possibility
husband looked at me and jokingly was upset, but he also recognized that my ex-husband would visit our
asked, “Did your ex just come that getting upset would serve no garage and help himself again.
into my garage and take my sled purpose. In the end, my husband had the
without asking and pretend to use He was correct in acknowledging right to tell my ex-husband to get
my snowblower in my garage? Did that what my ex-husband did was out of his garage. I had the right to
I mention it’s my garage?” disrespectful, yet he was wise to tell my ex-husband that he couldn’t
“Yes,” I said, feeling guilty for know that if he had responded in borrow the sled or play with the
what just occurred even though anger or frustration, his response snowblower. The truth in stepfamily
I have no control over what my would have created tension for the life is that just because you may be
ex-husband says or does. kids and me and would not have justified in saying or doing some-
erased what had happened. thing doesn’t mean you should say
Feeling Guilty A smart stepmom and friend, or do it. Often the best choice is to
I told my husband I felt bad Debra Rae, once said, “Look at say or do nothing at all. O
about what had just happened
and thanked him for not saying
anything. Inside I was questioning hEAthEr hEtChlEr helps stepmoms thrive in their role as the
myself, “Did I let my husband heart of their blended family. She is the Founder of www.CafeSmom.
down by not saying something to com where she brings positive resources, inspiration and support
my ex?” I was feeling some self- to stepmothers. CafeSmom offers the only e-shop with products
designed exclusively for the stepmom. As a stepmom coach, her pas-
induced guilt. Then my husband
sion is to help stepmothers define their own positive path to success.
spoke the most gracious words to Heather is the host of Stepmom Connection on www.MomTv.com. She
me and gave me a precious gift. resides in Cleveland with her husband and four children and two stepchildren.

22

Remodel
Your Life
From the
Inside Out
a 12-Month Series
on Stepmom
Self-improvement

JANuAry
Be Yourself

FEbruAry
Be an Observer
MArCh
Mind Your Mind

APrIl

Always Do
Be Curious
MAy
Necessary

Your Best
Conversations

JuNE/July
Think, Speak and
act with integrity by peggy noLan, m.a., ryt
& don’t Take it
personally

AuGuSt “If you always do your best,
Cultivate an you can never judge yourself.”
attitude of Gratitude
—don migueL ruiz
SEPtEMbEr
Focus on

S
Forgiveness o often I read or hear of because the wall is crooked. When
stepmoms (and moms) you need to justify your behavior,
oCtobEr justifying their behavior. it’s because you’re crooked.
accept What is “I did this because ...” I’ve been crooked. When I wasn’t
or “I said that to her because ...” doing my best, I was justifying my
NovEMbEr No matter what our role, mom or behavior because I needed to be
Your Life is stepmom, we’re trying to justify seen as a better parent than my
Your Choice how we behave because in the dark stepkids’ mom or because I needed
corner of our lives we know that we to be liked or approved of. No
dECEMbEr truly did not do our best. When a doubt, this was a tiring way for me
always do carpenter needs to justify a wall, it’s to operate. I wasn’t doing my best. I
Your Best

23

What would your life look like this holiday
season if you droPPEd thE dISGuISE
oF bEhAvIor JuStIFICAtIoN, people
pleasing and believing you need to live
Homework up to the expectations of x, y and z?
as a subscriber, you have
access to all the back
issues. re-read each article wasn’t being who I am. My behavior your life look like if you simply
in remodel your Life and was false, fake and phony. If you did and honored your best in any
if you’ve done the home- are justifying your behavior or given situation? Our best changes
work, re-read your journal. vilifying the other woman, you are from moment to moment, mood
For december’s issue, in not doing your best. In fact, you’re to mood, day to day. Our best gets
your journal, answer the a fake and you rally others to your better when we acknowledge and
following questions: cause so that you can hide behind honor our own rhythms.
⊲ why do you do what you your justness and righteousness. For example, my best writing
do for your husband and Ouch. happens after dinner. For others,
stepkids? Double ouch. I know. It kind of it might be before dawn. I’m better
⊲ is it for recognition? sets your teeth on edge to be called able to communicate my feelings
out. It’s a tough pill to swallow from after I spend an hour at the dojo
⊲ is it to look better than someone else who doesn’t know or practicing yoga. You might be
the mom?
your situation, circumstances or better able to communicate your
⊲ is it because you don’t what you’ve put up with for however feelings after a good breakfast. I
want your new in-laws long you’ve been with your man. know that my best is not very good
or anyone else to think When you and I hide behind our if I don’t get a good night’s sleep,
poorly of you? justness, when you and I opt to be and I’ve learned to recognize and
⊲ are you keeping score? right rather than happy, when you be aware of my own crankiness.
and I are not doing our best, then Some days my best is being a lump
⊲ how much of what you
you and I are denying ourselves on the couch watching AMC movie
do for others is because
and each other the right to be who classics.
you really want to and
we are. When it comes to being a mom,
you’re not looking for
What would your life look like stepmom and grandmother, I simply
a pat on the back, a
bouquet of roses or your this holiday season if you dropped do my best. Not because I’m looking
stepkids to announce to the disguise of behavior justifica- for approval, a reward, to please
the world that you’re the tion, people pleasing and believing others or justify my behavior, but
best stepmom ever? you need to live up to the expecta- because I truly want to do my best,
tions of x, y and z? What would whether I’m a two or a 10. O
⊲ what would your life look
like if you simply did your
best for you—because
you want to—regard- PEGGy NolAN loves teaching stepmoms how to stand in their power
less of the applause and and expand their wholeness of mind, body, and spirit. Peggy is a
self-care coach and certified yoga teacher. She is the mother of two
appreciation?
and the bonus mother of four. Peggy hosts the wildly popular “The
Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show” on www. blogtalkradio.com. Connect
with Peggy at www.thestepmoms toolbox.com.

24

eveNTS, ReSOURCeS, COMMUNiTY

StEPMoMS IN hIStory Did you know?
oNE-thIrd of all children entering
stepfamilies were born to an
unmarried mother rather than having
divorced parents.
SourCE: national Survey of Families and households

E-Book
Available Now!
thriving at the holidays:
octavia A Stepparent’s Guide to Success.
one of the most prominent Unwrapping the Gift of Peace this
women in roman history, Holiday Season.
octavia the younger (69–11 b.c.)
was respected and admired by by heather hetchler and gayla grace,
contemporaries for her loyalty, with a forward by ron. L. deal.
nobility and humanity, and for
maintaining traditional roman available now through amazon, ibooks and
feminine virtues. barnes & noble.
after the death by suicide
of her second husband, mark
antony, octavia became the
sole caretaker and guardian uPCoMING EvENt

The
of her own five children of her

Smart
marriages with marcellus and Hosted by
antony, as well as her stepchil- Laura
dren—antony’s four children Petherbridge,
from his previous marriages to
Fulvia and cleopatra. octavia Stepmom author of

Retreat
is known historically as a great The Smart
mother and stepmother and is Stepmom
said to have raised all of her
children with kindness and love. JAN. 20-21, 2012  RICHARDSON, TEXAS
SourCE: Duces Romanorum: DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel Dallas
Roman Profiles in Courage, by For Information, Contact Amy Urbach at
rose williams amy@blendedandbonded.com

25

C O d e S O F C O N d U C T F O R T H e S T e p F a M i LY H O M e

Ho use Rules
A Stepmom’s wish list
Gimme Structure!
by tara eiSenhard

I
don’t consider myself a rigid person. I families are different. Do the parental figures
oversleep. I skip meals. I detest sched- have balanced power in your home? Or does
ules. And yet, for the past few years, age or seniority rule? Do older children have
I’ve openly urged my partner to impose more authority over their siblings than does
more boundaries and ground rules upon his the stepparent? In other words, where does a
children. stepmother belong in the hierarchy?
A few weeks ago, I found myself harping
on the subject again. “They need structure,”
I insisted. And then it hit me. “Who is it
who is really begging for this structure?” I
asked myself. “It’s me! I’m the one who needs
structure!”
It took a few days for me to accept the
reality. It was hard to admit that my free-
spirited self was, in fact, craving a framework
within which to function. In that time, I came
to realize that all members of my family
needed structure. We all needed discipline.
If our family is a sandbox, within which we
collaborate and create, we can’t make the
most of it until we know the boundaries with
which we have to work. So I made a wish list.
I believe the following will ultimately ease the
operations of most stepfamily units:

⊲ A documented and discussed Chain of
Command. In a traditional nuclear family,
it goes without saying that mom and dad are
equally in charge of the children. But step-

26

H use Rules

⊲ Family rules and Consequences. The
rules are usually easy. But what happens
Families need to dEPENd
when someone breaks a rule? What kinds of oN EACh othEr, and adults
discipline are employed in your home? The
kids need to know what to expect, and the have a responsibility to
adults need to agree on what’s acceptable.
Otherwise, we stepmoms might hand out a model mature behavior from
sentence that is overturned when dad finds
out, undermining our authority and eroding
which children can learn.
any respect the children have for us.

⊲ Family Meetings—with an Agenda. I’m ⊲ official Standards. Create standards for
that person in the office who insists, “I don’t cleanliness and etiquette. When two estab-
need to be at the meeting; just tell me what I lished cultures merge, everything is open to
should know when it’s over.” But that atti- interpretation. Does clear the table mean the
tude ends when I walk in my front door. As a dishes go in the sink or the dishwasher? Is it
family, it’s imperative that we make each other acceptable to say “Gesundheit” when someone
a priority and be present to address important sneezes, or is “God bless you” preferred? Are
issues. Everyone deserves to be heard, and the shoes permitted beyond the foyer? This is
best way to ensure this happens is to schedule a tough one, but it’s important to agree on
it. To combat the inconvenience, try holding expectations to minimize future conflict.
the meetings during dinner or talk in the car
during longer rides. ⊲ A Culture of respect and
Accountability. Families need to depend
on each other, and adults have a responsi-
bility to model mature behavior from which
What kinds of children can learn. I’m willing to work toward
this goal, even if the other home sometimes
discipline are operates in a contrary manner.

employed in I’ve learned to embrace my need for
boundaries, discipline, authority and respect.
your home? thE And the experience has been oddly liberating.
No longer am I a prisoner of what I identi-
KIdS NEEd to fied as someone else’s problem. Instead, I’m
empowered to state my needs and speak
KNow whAt to from the heart. It’s much more effective than

ExPECt, and the pointing fingers and making demands. O

adults need to
agree on what’s tArA EISENhArd believes that
families evolve, not dissolve, as a
acceptable. result of divorce. She is active in
the lives of her partner’s children
and enjoys the study of stepfamily
dynamics. Tara is the author of the
blog “Relative Evolutions” located
at relativeevolutions.com, tweets @RelativEvolutns
and welcomes comments via email at divorce.
encouragist@gmail.com

27

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