The document offers strategies for managing the stresses of the holiday season, particularly for children in out-of-home care, emphasizing the importance of meeting their therapeutic and emotional needs. It discusses various holiday-related stressors, coping mechanisms, and encourages proactive planning and communication with children. Additionally, it highlights the significance of self-awareness and realistic expectations during the holidays to mitigate trauma triggers and foster supportive environments.

1. The Holiday’s
If WE can MAKE IT Through DECEMBER
Merle Haggard
fostermh@outlook.com

2. HOLIDAY TRAINING
The holidays, beginning in November with
Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving, running through
December with Christmas, the school holiday,
and all the way until New Year’s Day and the
resumption of school the first part of January
can be tough on us all, but especially difficult for
kids in out of home care. Do your best to meet
the therapeutic, emotional and relational needs
of your kids trough a trauma lens. These ideas
should help.

3. A safe, healthy holiday is having people who love you and
believe in you and people you can count on
There can be no greater gift than hope

4. HOLIDAY TRAINING Exercise
Please carefully read over the following list:
Mark with a RED CIRCLE the people, feelings, issues, and needs that are most important to you this
holiday season. Mark with a GREEN CIRCLE the people, feelings, issues, and needs that are important
to the Children/Youth you care for this holiday season. Compare the two and look for overlapping
and conflicting issues and problem solve.
getting gifts family get togethers toys to buy
travel schedule medication therapy
Bio Mother tree ornaments your expectations
joy District Judges fruit cake
visits turkey/trimmings Christmas parade
Santa Clause Visiting arrangements wish list
expressing feelings peace on earth bio children
stress worshipping together receiving gifts
shop lifting Baby Jesus Bio mom doesn’t show
not enough time Deer Season eating too much
sibling visits boy friend adoptive child
church anger Mall shopping
worrying having fun! Christmas lighting
school holiday bio father cooking
good will alcohol in excess not enough time
Agency Case Manager documentation Prison visits
gift tags fire hazards DFPS permission

5. What’s important continued:
Christmas tree clothes religion/faith/spirituality
planning/decisions buying gifs I didn’t get what I wanted!
drinking too much communication But you promised!
Jesus Birthday activities scotch tape/wrap
togetherness myself husband
what’s Christmas about? decorations I want more!
depression crisis prevention exercise
planning Bah Humbug! acting out
finances She gets too much! He gets so much stuff!
foster kid’s de-escalation TV football games
New Year’s Eve How are we going to pay for all this? Amazon Prime
my spouse laundry/packing Christmas cards
baking Home for Christmas It’s not fair
expectations more time holiday blues
sharing partying family
withdrawn suicide prevention who’s on-call
fights problem solving holiday hopes
girl friend taking, not giving jolly
arguing unrealistic expectations wanting more

6. “It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your plans,
if you live near him.” R.R. Tolkien
“…
Everything has a past. Everything – a person, an object, a word,
everything. If you don’t know the past, you can’t understand the present
and plan properly for the future.” Chaim Potok

7. There are lots of
dragons about at
Christmas
We better be
mindful and stay
connected and keep
the tribe together

8. Holiday Issues
• Routines change
• Maybe too much
togetherness
• Thoughts of trauma and
remembrances of bio family,
siblings, and others
• Conflicted feelings about
family
• Materialism and
commercialism
• Etc. etc. etc.

9. TV, movies, music, advertising, magazines, school assignments, peers, social
media and popular culture ambush and batter our kids with a recurrent avalanche
of trauma triggers during the holidays. We need to proactively stay connected
and be mindful and help our kids cope in healthy relational interactions.
Painful memories didn’t just ease back in. They shoved the door
open, all of them and all at once. Harlan Coben

10. Pressing questions, often without timely or positive answers
• Will I be able to visit my
family?
• Is my father sending me a gift,
visiting?
• Will mom call?
• You don’t listen to me!
• When do I find out if I get to
visit?
• When is there time to get gifts
for my siblings?
• When will my caseworker
arrange transportation?
• Who’s going to buy my gifts?
• What are doing when school’s
out?

11. Commercialization of the
holidays and Christmas
• Everyone else gets
what they want!
• “I want, I want, I really,
really need”
• The “it” toy or the
most expensive toys,
X-Box, Chrome book, I-
Phone, hip clothes etc.
• Unrealistic
expectations
• Why do we have to sit
here doing nothing?

12. Depression and Regressive
Behaviors Manifest Themselves
• School Problems
• Oppositional/Acting Out
• Moody/Angry
• Aggression
• Runaway
• Suicidal Ideations
• Substance Abuse
• Stealing
• Sexual Acting Out

13. Holiday and
Seasonal Stressors
• Unrealistic expectations about how the
holidays should or will be
• Triggering memories, good and bad, of
previous holidays
• Financial pressure of gift giving
• Recent family transitions such as divorce,
remarriage, changing jobs, moving
• Increased interaction with relatives,
pleasant or unpleasant
• Physical fatigue caused by work overload,
and lack of rest, worry
• Guilt from over-indulgent eating,
drinking, or spending
• Lack of appreciation from others of the
emotional energy that goes into holiday
preparations
• The work, energy, money, and time
required to create the “magical” picture
of Christmas and the holidays sometimes
overshadows any enjoyment or pleasure

14. Those at High Risk
Those at high risk of experiencing noticeable
holiday stress and depression include:
• Unresolved trauma and emotional pain
• High ACE score
• People apart from their families and in out
of home care during the holidays
• Kids without a support system or healthy
connected relationships
• People who have experienced loss; family,
parent, sibling, loved-ones
• Those under financial duress
• People with substance abuse problems
faced with increased social activity

15. Surviving the holidays
Self
Awareness
Is the Key
Your own
holiday
trauma,
real or
perceived,
your own
baggage
and
triggers
Aware
of
stress
and
make
healthy
choices
to
reduce
stress
Financial,
don’t spend
all of next
year paying
off your
credit card
debt
Ask for
help
when
you
need it
Take
care of
yourself
Have
fun!
Enjoy the
spirit of
the
holidays,
make-
time for
leisure,
and rest

16. Self Awareness
What was your earliest
holiday or Christmas
Memory?
What is your worst or
most distressing holiday
memory?
What is your happiest or
most wonderful holiday or
Christmas memory?

17. Set Expectations
The Routine;
daily structure,
rules and
responsibilities,
expectations
shouldn’t
change too
much. Kids still
need nurturing,
connected
structure
Even though
school is out it is
time for
consistent
structure, not
less
Include the kids
in planning, in-
put, get their
ideas and
expectations
Give them
proactive
choices and
options
Give them
responsibility
Plan to have
fun!
Make plans,
follow through,
problem solve
You can be
spontaneous
and structured
at the same
time

18. Communicate Effectively
COMMUNICATE WITH
EVERYONE, KIDS, OTHER
CAREGIVERS, YOUR
AGENCY
BE REALISTIC AND HONEST,
IF YOU DON’T KNOW, SAY,
“I DON’T KNOW BUT I WILL
TRY TO GET YOU AND
ANSWER” ALWAYS FOLLOW
THROUGH
LET THEM KNOW WHAT’S
HAPPENING, DON’T KEEP IN
THE DARK
KEEP YOUR ANTENNAE UP
FOR “TRAUMA TRIGGERS”
INTERACT, TALK ABOUT
WHAT THE HOLIDAYS,
WHAT CHRISTMAS MEANS
TO YOU, TO THEM
BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER VALIDATE FEELINGS AND
HAVE EMPATHY
SHARE YOUR FAITH AND
SPIRITUAL FEELINGS

19. Plan and Organize
Think ahead, plan ahead,
be proactive
Make plans and share those
plans
Get organized; think about
time, dates and deadlines
If you need to make lists,
make lists, do what works
for you
Get kids active and involved Get their input; give choices
When considering
transportation and travel
keep in mind tickets,
medication, clothing,
money, risk management
and safety etc
Be aware of triggers and be
prepared to deal with
feelings and behaviors
Remember the best laid
plans go awry, much of
what we plan depends on
others, have options and
alternatives

20. Financial holiday Stressors
• Set a realistic holiday budget
• Share the budget, get the kids to help set budget priorities
• Communicate real expectations
• Draw names
• Give your time, (two nights of baby-sitting, give mom two nights of
cooking, two days of laundry)
• Give a savings account that you will deposit in throughout the year
• Give white elephant treasures
• Make a gift or a card
• Give a proposal – not a promise – of completing a task(s) in the
future
When communicating with kids always make a strong
distinction between a wish and a promise.
“I really wish you could have a chrome book for Christmas, and
I’ll work on it, but I can’t promise. It will be tough to fit in our
budget. Do you have ideas or a second choice. We will work on
it together. ”
Be VERY CAREFUL to not set up unrealistic expectations and
don’t leave expectations dangling in the wind. Make mindful,
timely decisions. Don’t turn a spark into a forest fire.

21. Special Holiday Stressors
FAMILY GATHERINGS
• Limit the time of the occasion
• Proactively rehearse with family and friends about healthy
relational interaction
• You don’t want Grandpa to begin a dinner conversation with
“So, how long you been in foster care?”
• Teach your family and friends to respect privacy and
confidentiality
• Invite a mindful friend to diffuse the tension
• Plan a special event for the gathering, rent a movie for the
kids, play games, group participation, decorate, make
ornaments, and string popcorn
• Change the location or environment for the occasion, go out to
dinner, tour a neighborhood noted for Christmas lighting or a
lighted trail, Christmas tree farm, attend church outings,
special services, etc.
• Protect kids from pushy and insensitive relatives and friends
• Support, share feelings and get feedback from positive,
accepting, healthy people
• Play – have fun, games, outings
• Caroling in neighborhood
• Attending faith activities
• Donate to charities as a family, give time and effort to
charitable organizations

22. special holiday Stressors SHOPPING
• Make a list
• Listen for clues
• Give what a person wants – not what you think you want for that
person
• Delegate responsibility
• Shop locally or on-line
• Give books, gift certificates if approriate
• Give experiences – concert or movie tickets, park passes, and tours,
camping, sporting events
• Give passes for one on one time
• Re reasonable, thoughtful, mindful but be generous, especially with
your time and attention.
• We need to be on our A game

23. Special Holiday Stressors
TIME
• Plan ahead
• Organize, Set Deadlines
• Prioritize demands
• Redefine needs
• Delegate
• Use alternative resources
– catering services,
friends, volunteers

24. EXCESSIVE EATING
AND/OR Drinking
• Set Real Expectations
• Plan ahead
• Be assertive
• Limit time at event
• Avoid parties and social events that
are difficult to manage
• If you plan to drink, then eat and be
responsible
• Serve non-alcoholic, low-calorie
foods when hosting parties
• Follow exercise plan, sensible eating
• Accept responsibility for yourself
• Model appropriate behaviors
• Be mindful, connected, playful and
indulge kids a wee bit

25. COOKING
• Delegate and share
responsibilities
• Have a family party to
bake or cook
• Have everyone bring a
dish or dessert
• Define what are
acceptable holiday
foods
• Go out for dinner at
least once
• Buy it if you can afford
it

26. LONELINESS
• Build healthy, mindful
connections with your family, the
kid’s bio family and relatives
neighbors, groups, work
colleagues, church and school
• Build each kid a tribe
• Increase your connection to kids
who are struggling
• Take a trip to the park, movie,
dining out
• Have fun and be playful
• Give to others. Volunteer, visit a
rest home or hospital, work at
the Salvation Army or a food
pantry
To heal from trauma one must
learn to receive help and give help
Karyn Purvis

27. GETTING THROUGH THE Holidays
You Can be proactive or You Can wait for the meltdowns
• plan and organize well Go with the flow
• talk about it, share feelings guess what’s going on
•
• set reasonable expectations just hope it’s all going to work out
•
• think ahead and be proactive heck, just let it happen
•
• be consistent Liaise faire
•
• communicate effectively keep it all in, don’t share
•
• give proactive choices not enough time
•
• trauma awareness be insensitive
•
• empathy and compassion who cares?
•

28. Making it trough the holidays

29. STRESS MANAGEMENT
• DAILY EXERCISE aerobic exercise means maintaining a
training heart rate for the exercise interval; walk up to 20-
30 minutes or more, bicycling, jogging, swimming, and
running, vacuuming, gardening
• NUTRITION eat well balanced meals; avoid over-eating
and junk food; avoid excess alcohol
• MEDICATION use prescription drugs only as prescribed;
avoid abuse of over the counter drugs; don’t use illegal
substances or alcohol
• REST make sure your daily and weekly schedules
include rest and leisure time; get enough sleep at night;
learn relaxation techniques if sleep and/or rest is difficult
• PLAY have fun, enjoy leisure; make reading, sports,
movies, music, dancing, camping, games, etc. part of your
lifestyle
• SUPPORT share your feelings and get feedback from
positive, accepting people
• ASSERTIVENESS learn to communicate your needs to
others; take responsibility for getting your needs met;
practice delegation and negotiation techniques, say no
• TIME MANAGEMENT learn to set goals, determine
objectives, set priorities, make “to-do lists”, and make
proactive decisions
• RATIONAL THINKING learn to re-define your stress by
identifying and managing your feelings in positive,
motivating and affirming cognitive strategies
• GIVING TO OTHERS get out of yourself and your stress
in order to give of yourself to someone in need; volunteer,
church, charities
• SELF AWARENESS know yourself well enough to know
when your stress management isn’t working; do
something different; ask for help
• SPRITUAL turn to your beliefs, the true meaning of
Christmas, reflective thoughts, prayer, affirmations, and
meditation

30. If we make it through December
Everything's gonna be all right I know
It's the coldest time of winter
And I shiver when I see the falling snow
If we make it through December
Got plans to be in a warmer town come summer time
Maybe even California
If we make it through December, we'll be fine
Got laid off down at the factory
And there time is not the greatest in the world
Heaven knows I been workin' hard
I wanted Christmas to be right for daddy's girl
Now I don't mean to hate December
It's meant to be the happy time of year
And my little girl don't understand
Why daddy can't afford no Christmas gift
If we make it through December
Everything's gonna be alright I know
It's the coldest time of winter
And I shiver when I see the falling snow
If we make it through December
Got plans to be in a warmer town come summer time
Maybe even California
If we make it through December, we'll be fine
If we make it through December