We all have psychological identities as well as physical - they're called our "Natural Depths"...

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THE CENTER FOR THIRD AGE NEWSLETTER - MAY 2010
1. FATHER WILLIAM’S MUSINGS
2. PUT YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST
3. MY LIFE IS GOOD ENOUGH NOT TO LEAVE
4. EMOTIONAL WISDOM SEEMS TO COME WITH AGE
5. AGING AS A NATURAL MONASTERY
6. ALZHEIMER’S: A MORE PROMISING LOOK
7. THIS MONTH'S LINKS
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QUOTE OF THE MONTH – RICHARD BACH, JONATHAN LIVINGSTON SEAGULL
“It’s good to be a seeker,
but sooner or later
you have to be a finder.
And then it is well
To give what you have found,
a gift into the world
for whoever will accept it.”
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1. FATHER WILLIAM’S MUSINGS
Happy Mothers’ Day and all of May, Dear Friends...
I want to thank those of you who appreciated April’s newsletter and make
clear FW is rarely again going to write that much himself. I assume
those of you who didn’t appreciate it will feel relieved. Good. Me,
too. Donna read this and said, “You’re just lazy!” Of course. How else
could a young punk 57-year-old see it?
Even so, this month’s hangs together at least as well. Thanks to
guidance from fellow Center colleague, Ronn Williamson, the offerings
that follow have an order that is meaningful in both content and
progression.
PUT YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST is a delightfully wise bit of Mothers’
Day advice from Christine Carter. I sent it to many of the lovely
mothers I know, but I recommend it to everyone, especially those
experiencing the stresses of Second Age multi-tasking. If you think your
first responsibility is attending to others, you will find healthy
release here.
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2. MY LIFE IS GOOD ENOUGH NOT TO LEAVE comes from Debby Jo Blank, a friend
for 40+ years. While she has embarked on new careers in medicine and
poetry in her 50’s, she shares how she also is able to relax into the
present moment of her life. Not bad for another young punk 57-year-old.
I didn’t really learn to do this with any consistency until well past 65.
EMOTIONAL WISDOM SEEMS TO COME WITH AGE shares some research to support
the notion that life really does get better in elderhood - if we’re not
still caught in our cultural brainwashing that aging is a losing
proposition. As friend Glenda said, “Sure, AARP Magazine puts 70 year
old women on its cover, but they all look 45.” If you’re as rational as
Glenda and FW, emotional wisdom can be very helpful in moving beyond the
media’s nonsense.
AGING AS A NATURAL MONASTERY reminds me powerfully of my own wonder-
filled Third Age. Jane Thibault appears to have made a similar leap in
her thinking about spirituality and aging as have I. I say “appears”
because Jane and I have been in touch by email and hoped to chat
yesterday, but serendipity intervened, so I can only guess as this
newsletter goes out. Hopefully we’ll talk next week, and I’ll find out
more about the similarities in our journeys.
ALZHEIMER’S: A MORE PROMISING LOOK takes us to the far end of the aging
spectrum. Old FW is having many moments of personal forgetfulness,
especially around the names of people. Now I’m not implying I’m in my
end game, but I do experience some of the changes I used to think of as
“diminishments.” I now see these more as choices I make, like using my
aging as “a natural monastery,” and I delight in the increasing time I
just spend “loving everything.”
Let me conclude these musings by making a connection between THIS MONTH’S
QUOTE and AGING AS A NATURAL MONASTERY.
The Richard Bach quotation is on a plaque I’ve had for 30+ years. For
most of these three decades I continued “be a seeker”; I put great
pressure on myself to find something “significant” to give back, and I
imagined the giving back would be a major effort. Like many, I never
felt I’d found enough significance, so I just kept on seeking. But in
the last five years, my need to seek has largely evaporated, and I’ve
relaxed into the peace Jane describes:
“What I discovered were people who had ceased reflecting on themselves
and even on God, but who definitely had the Zen-like ability to enter
into an experience of the immediate moment. For these people, all of life
was present to them in what the late theologian Karl Rahner termed
‘everyday mysticism.’ For these people, late life had become a kind of
‘natural monastery,’ where all the changes that the young rail against
and describe as losses and diminishments had become opportunities to
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3. clear away the obstacles to experiencing and appreciating each moment
with its own special beauty and/or pain...”
I identify with 90 year old Anna and thank her and Jane for helping me
understand where I have come, too. As Anna says...
“Am I neglecting God because I don't think about him much anymore? I
don't think so. Somehow, I feel that my looking and loving is enough for
God—that that's all God ever really wanted from me in the first place, to
love what he gave me. Don't you think so?”
I do.
So maybe I, like Anna, have finally become a finder, and our realization
is the gift we give back “into the world for whoever will accept it.” I
can’t imagine an easier or more beautiful gift to give...
Much love, Father William
For more of FW: http://www.FatherWilliam.org
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1. PUT YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK ON FIRST
BY CHRISTINE CARTER, RAISING HAPPINESS, MAY 9, 2009
I'm always struck by our willingness as mothers to take care of our
children—and often their fathers and a host of others around us—before we
take care of ourselves. Right around now, at the end of the school year, I
start really noticing it a lot. Moms at my kids' school have just finished
planning and executing the Spring fundraiser, and are now gearing up for
teacher appreciation day. They are writing letters to address two measures
on the June ballot related to school funding, and planning end-of- the-
school-year parties. They are tired.
Calling run-down moms everywhere: this Mother's Day, let's all take the
advice of the airlines and put on our own oxygen masks first before
helping those around us. I'm not saying don't help those around you, but
rather that should you become faint from lack of oxygen, you won't be much
good to anyone at all. Speaking for myself, I've found that a certain
core of peace and centeredness is necessary before I can really get
engaged in raising happy, compassionate, and altruistic children. Here's
why:
1. If we get depressed, it may affect our children adversely. An
extensive body of research has established a substantial link between
depressed mothers and "negative outcomes" in their children, like acting
out and other behavior problems. Parental depression actually seems to
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4. cause behavior problems in kids: it bothers kids to see their parents
upset and unhappy, and they express this by behaving badly. Depressed
parents also demonstrate poorer parenting skills, and so are less likely
to correct bad behavior in constructive ways. Depressed mothers tend to
be less sensitive and proactive in responding to their children's needs,
and are less likely to play with their children in emotionally positive
ways. Kids with chronically depressed mothers—mothers whose feelings of
sadness and despair persist—perform more poorly on school readiness
tests, use less expressive language, and have poorer social skills. And
it isn't just depression: anxiety in mothers (something I'm prone to) is
associated with increased anxiety in children.
2. The reverse is also true: when I do what it takes to be happy myself,
my children reap the benefits. Kids mimic their parents, especially when
they are younger. Children imitate their parents' emotions as early as 6
days old; it is one of the primary ways that they learn and grow. So if
we model happiness—and all the skills that go with it—our kids are likely
to behave in the same way. If I model a key happiness habit like kindness
and generosity, for example, my daughters are more likely to become kind
and generous. And because research shows that people's emotions tend to
converge—we become more similar emotionally the more we are together—it
follows that the happier I am, the happier my children will be. Dacher
Keltner and his colleagues ran an interesting series of experiments that
show that people in close relationships become more similar to each other
over time. The studies showed that the emotions and emotional reactions
of friends and lovers actually become more alike over the course of a
year (Anderson, Keltner & John, 2003). Another study, attempting to
determine the degree to which shared genetics dictate similar emotional
outlooks in parents and children, came up short: while they did find that
happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children, they
couldn't find a genetic component. Like roommates and lovers, the
emotions of children and parents can be very similar, but not because
they are cut from the same cloth, so to speak.
3. Emotions in general are just plain contagious. A political scientist
from the University of California, San Diego and a Harvard sociologist
have recently documented that happiness is particularly contagious. Their
conclusion, which is based on an analysis of people's social connections
over 20 years, is that our happiness depends on the happiness of those
around us. Having happy friends, neighbors, and siblings that live in
close proximity to you increases your odds of being happy—the positive
emotions of one community member clearly spread to others (Fowler &
Christakis, 2008).
So it turns out that the first step in the science of raising happy kids
is to actually be happy yourself. Happy Mother's Day to all of you out
there who do so much for everyone else all year: may Mother's Day be
dedicated not just to all you do and all you are, but also to your own
happiness!
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5. © 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/
put_your_own_oxygen_mask_on_first
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2. MY LIFE IS GOOD ENOUGH NOT TO LEAVE
BY DEBBY JO BLANK, M.D., MAY 2010
I am not going to buy a chateau to restore in Burgundy, nor a crumbling
house in Tuscany. I am not going to pack up and leave for a two-year
trip around the world. Is that why I like to read about those who do?
It is the rare bird who can afford to restore a 14th Century villa or
take the time to travel slowly through remote areas of SE Asia or walk
the Camino de Santiago. I would like to see the aborigines in Borneo. I
covet the chance to watch stars travel over The Red Rock in the Outback,
sit on the balcony off my stateroom, monotonized by the expanse of the
Atlantic. Meanwhile, I pay my bills, tend my garden, enjoy my dogs and
cats and savor spring in the desert with its strange waxy, citrusy smell
as birds pause in their migrations to sound off so loudly they wake us
before 6AM.
What is a mere citizen to do? We have responsibilities, yet we know we
need to pick the daisies before it’s too late. We envy our dogs, who
never need don a suit and tie or carry a briefcase. They don’t
understand mortality, or, at least, not much. The angst of today’s world
affects all of us, more or less. I read the paper and suffer, perhaps
too much. I don’t envy our President. Who would want to combat
terrorism when the rules of engagement are fraught with controversy and
the boundaries of terrorism crisscross the globe? The opinions of my
friends and family range from liberal to conservative; I am surrounded by
loved ones who do not agree. And who could? The issues are complex and
many have raged for centuries; old wars could not resolve these
conflicts.
So, I read of the lucky few who hire local artisans to build a wood
burning oven in the corner of their kitchen, their dovecotes filled with
pigeons, and herb gardens tucked next to doors open to Mediterranean
sunshine. But in my heart, I believe I am also one of the lucky few. My
life is good enough not to leave. My husband and I have reached the
point in our marriage where daily we comfort each other and laugh at each
other’s travails - - humor does help. I have more than enough money to
buy groceries and gas, my car runs and I have my health. Yesterday at
work I spoke with a woman who can’t afford to ride the bus, so she totes
her groceries home in a cart despite her emphysema and chronic pain. I
see people like her every day with their bags and babies out on the
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6. sidewalks, at the bus stops, in the heat of mid-day, as I drive by in the
comfort of my station wagon. I notice these less fortunate people, I
ponder the possible truth that, “The rich get richer and the poor get
poorer.”
As I try to find some resolution, some way to put things in order in my
mind, I come to a few truths I hold dear. I do believe that all humanity
is the same. No matter our skin color or religion, we all want the same
things for ourselves and our family. But I also believe that despite our
commonalities, we have never had world peace, more less, local peace. We
are a warlike species. If unimaginable beings from outer space were to
fly over our planet, they would shrug their shoulders, or whatever they
have that is equivalent to shoulders, and leave, noting our primitive
ways, despite some gorgeous aspects of human culture – – our art, music,
architecture and, undeniable acts of immense kindness and bravery. So,
where does this leave me? Leave us?
I end up celebrating the small things. I enjoy my cup of hot coffee in
the morning, I take time as I drive to work to notice the shapes of
clouds over the ring of mountains around Tucson, where I live. I do my
best, despite that I often fall short of my hopes. In the privacy of my
heart, I examine my weaknesses. I work on becoming a better person and I
know at least in large part what that means to me. I aim to lead by
example. I struggle with my impatience and temper. I continue to fight
the extra 10 pounds around my middle. I try to keep my mouth closed, all
the words that would do no good crowded behind my lips in such intense
pressure they want to spill out. And I put out into the world, as I
write here, my hopes for a better world and I think that means, most of
all, mutual respect. No matter how much we disagree, to acknowledge we
are the same and need each other’s help. And love, as some of the wisest
philosophers and saints have reminded us across history.
Thought by a practicing Primary Care Physician, Debby Jo Blank, M.D.
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4. EMOTIONAL WISDOM SEEMS TO COME WITH AGE
BY SUSANNE SCHEIBE & LAURA CARSTENEN
Seasoned researcher Laura Carstensen has long been identified with
research on emotion and aging. In this review, she and her colleague
Susanne Scheibe synthesize the research on emotional processing and
regulation, that is, how people deal with experiences that have a high
emotional significance. Stereotypically, older people are often thought
to be sad, depressed and lonely. However, this assumption is deeply
flawed. Despite challenges from cognitive, physical and social sources,
most older people for most of their remaining years, are well-adjusted
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7. and emotionally well-balanced. Older people tend to be happier and more
emotionally stable than their younger counterparts.
Research suggests that on average, older people tend to pay more
attention to positive news and less to negative information. This
finding has been found for attention, memory and decision-making tasks.
The exception to this positivity bias is when older people are exposed to
an immediately threatening situation; then the bias is not found. In
terms of emotional regulation, older people score higher than young
adults on three of four aspects of the emotional intelligence test. These
factors are facilitating, understanding, and managing emotions.
Much of the elder advantage lies in the manner in which they select their
environments and prepare for emotionally intense experiences before they
occur. Possibly this imaginative rehearsal is a reason why older people
are less responsive to many emotionally arousing events than younger
people. (They are not less affected, for example, when confronted with
the loss of a loved one. Here, older people express more sadness and are
as physiologically aroused as younger people). Older people tend to
prefer social situations with familiar others, and to spend less time
with strangers, avoid confrontations and situations that are hostile, and
they seem to take more complex views of troubling situations than younger
people. This helps them to reduce conflicting emotions. One might say
they are more likely see the world through rose-colored glasses, which
may impair their ability to detect deception and fraud.
One possible explanation for this positivity is that because of their
long experience at emotional regulation, older people become increasingly
skilled at dealing with intense situations. They may also become
increasingly motivated to use these skills as they sense that “time is
running out.” Given that the future trajectory is shorter, it becomes
more important to enjoy every day, and not suffer the day for some longer
term goal, as younger people often do when they are working toward some
future reward, such as an advanced degree. Only when confronted with
immanent death does this upbeat attitude tend to decline.
Overall, the emotional life of older people has much to recommend it, and
it is something that younger people might envy and look forward to as
they age.
From: “Emotional aging: Recent findings and future trends” by Susanne
Scheibe and Laura L. Carstensen. Journal of Gerontology: Psychological
Sciences, 2010, 65B, 135-144.
WITH THANKS TO THE POSITIVE AGING NEWSLETTER, MARCH/APRIL 2010
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5. AGING AS A NATURAL MONASTERY
7

8. JANE MARIE THIBAULT, AGING & SPIRITUALITY VIII, 1996
An increasing number of my days are spent encouraging and accompanying
adults on their spiritual journeys. When I was first invited to engage in
spiritual "companioning" and counselling with elders, I had a traditional
paradigm of spiritual growth in mind. I had been trained experientially
and cognitively from an early age in Carmelite spirituality, specifically
through studying the works of John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila and
my own experience of Carmelite spiritual direction. Later I added
Benedictine and Ignatian concepts and James Fowler's theories of stages
of faith development. I was oriented to a linear approach to
developmental stages of faith and spiritual growth and was rather
dogmatic in my thinking that the spiritual life "should" be a lifelong
process of increasing awareness and experience of the transcendent within
and without, culminating in a specific, ongoing sense of union with God
in later life. Colleagues joked that I was trying to "make mystics out of
out people" and I retorted with, "Why not? Can you think of anything more
exciting to look forward to?"
With that thought in mind I began an intense search for elderly mystics.
I wanted to see how mysticism "played out" in later life. I was sure I
would find many models among aged monks, nuns, and devout lay people of
all faiths. I wanted to hear the stories of their inner experiences and
understand the influences on and patterns of their development.
What I found was at first very disappointing. Not one person told of
experiencing those phenomena described in the classic literature on
mysticism, such as the sense of luminousness, a deeper sense of reality
and meaning, a feeling of "oneness" with God or reality. In addition,
most of the people I interviewed did not seem to be able to relate to the
words I used. For example, the question, "have you ever had what you felt
was an experience of God's nearness?" met, more often than not, with
blank stares. I could not understand these responses and the seeming lack
of "mystical" signs and symptoms in people for whom the spiritual had
played a large and significant part in their lives. In addition, there
seemed to be a concreteness to their spirituality that even seemed "anti-
mystical," if there were such a thing. What had happened to these people—
had they not grown into the later stages of mystical development as
described in the literature? Were there no elderly mystics? Was mysticism
an obsolete concept in the final years of the 20th century?
Disappointed, I went back for a second look, this time throwing away my
preconceived notions of what constituted "mysticism" in later life—or any
other time of life. What I found was far more refreshing than visions and
ecstasies and profound, isolated experiences of union with God. What I
discovered were people who had ceased reflecting on themselves and even
on God, but who definitely had the Zen-like ability to enter into an
experience of the immediate moment. For these people, all of life was
8

9. present to them in what the late theologian Karl Rahner termed "everyday
mysticism." For these people, late life had become a kind of "natural
monastery," where all the changes that the young rail against and
describe as losses and diminishments had become opportunities to clear
away the obstacles to experiencing and appreciating each moment with its
own special beauty and/or pain. It was as if life had been stripped down
to its barest essentials, so that the real could shine through and be
appreciated, even if the real involved pain and suffering.
One of the primary reasons that young people choose to live in
monasteries—even in this day and age—is to act on a desire to strip their
lives of as many external obstacles to God as possible. Their lives are
deliberately physically circumscribed, with emphasis on minimizing rather
than maximizing outer experience. To do this, hey practice forms of self-
denial that include simplification of lifestyle and relinquishment of
ownership of (and concern for) many things. This is thought to free them
from hectic, everyday harassments so they can contemplate and experience
transcendent reality that shines through natural things, simplicity of
lifestyle, deep presence to one another, solitude and quiet.
In a very real sense the experience of old age, especially frail
elderhood, is an experience of living monastically. Solitary life in
one's own home or common life in a nursing home is an experience of
winnowing, of paring down to the barest essentials. One 90-year old woman
shared her life with me in these words:
I really don't think about God very much any more, even though I used to.
In the past my spiritual life was very complicated, and a distinct
compartment of my life as a whole. I was always wondering if I were
pleasing God, always concerned that I wasn't doing God's will "just
right," always thinking that I was not quite good enough. As I look back
on it now, I realize that what was important to me was how I was
performing for God. The emphasis was really always on me and what I was
doing, even though I thought it was on God.
Now, in my very old age, I've given up all of that performing stuff—
probably because I don't have the energy for it any longer. I can't do
much any more and I can't even think much, either; I forget a great deal.
Now all I can do is look out at my little world—my house and cats and my
dog and the people who bathe me and bring me food and the sky and
everything, and I just spend my time loving them. I just look at it all
and I love it. Even though my eyesight is bad, in my mind's eye I see
everything. It is all so very beautiful, even the bad things somehow get
washed in the beauty of everything. I am so grateful for it all, grateful
for all of my life, even the little things like—please excuse me—being
able to have a bowel movement. Am I neglecting God because I don't think
about him much anymore? I don't think so. Somehow, I feel that my looking
and loving is enough for God—that that's all God ever really wanted from
me in the first place, to love what he gave me. Don't you think so?
9

10. Aging as a Natural Monastery, by Jane Marie Thibault (1996; "Aging &
Spirituality: Newsletter of ASA's Forum on Religion, Spirituality &
Aging"; VIII (3), 5).
http://contemplageing.com/index.php?
option=com_content&view=article&id=188:aging-as-a-natural-
monastery&catid=89:publications&Itemid=301
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6. ALZHEIMER’S: A MORE PROMISING LOOK
BY KEN & MARY GERGEN, THE POSITIVE AGING NEWSLETTER, March/APRIL 2010
We commonly believe there is a disease called Alzheimer’s and treat those
who are ill as patients. In effect, we think of Alzheimer’s as just
another medical illness, like cancer or polio. Yet, there is growing
opinion that such beliefs are both unwarranted and unhelpful. Consider,
for example, the work of Peter Whitehouse, a doctor who has spent 30
years of professional life carrying out research, (including drug
studies), reviewing medical journals, and treating those diagnosed with
the disease. His conclusion is that the disease model is not only wrong,
but inhumane and even immoral. In their new book, The Myth of
Alzheimer’s, he and Daniel George suggest that we reconsider the aging
process, particularly the normal ways in which the brain changes under
various living conditions. Depending on such factor as physical and
mental exercise, smoking, and diet, for example, these changes may be
more or less debilitating. The dominant medical view is that this disease
can be treated with drugs and that, with enough money, the pharmaceutical
industry will provide the cure. Rather, Whitehouse and George propose we
would do better to focus on what we can do to improve our brain’s health,
accept that our bodies have limitations, and resist our biggest enemy as
we age, fear!
As they write, “Reframing Alzheimer’s disease as brain aging and thus
fundamentally altering the story we tell about cognitive loss can have
profound effects on ourselves, our loved ones, our communities, our
government policy, and our commerce. By placing ourselves on the
continuum of brain aging and seeing it as a lifelong undertaking rather
than an end-of-life ‘disease’ we’ll find solidarity with all the
vulnerable members in our society – from our children to our elders.”
Other professionals support and extend this view. Anthea Inne’s Dementia
Studies, also stresses the importance of challenging assumptions. She
looks especially at the political, economic, social and cultural issues
that influence the perspectives on patients and their caregivers. She
sees a stereotypic degradation of people with dementia, one that affects
how they are cared for, and how their caregivers perceive themselves.
10

11. This concern with stereotyping is extended in Lisa Snyder’s Speaking our
Minds: What it’s like to have Alzheimer’s. The Alzheimer’s diagnosis, in
her view, invites an insensitivity to the patient’s capacities for
awareness and for their needs and desires. Those people interviewed by
Snyder speak of their fear, challenges, social support systems, feelings
of loneliness, means for overcoming their limits, and the joy they
experience in their lives, despite their diagnosis. Perhaps the last
feeling is the most surprising to those of us who take a “poor you”
stance when it comes to thinking of those who labeled as having dementia.
Snyder says of her interviewees, that they, “reminded me of how quickly
we measure disability, deficits and differences at the risk of
overlooking ability, strengths and commonality” (pg. 34). Among the
strengths she notes, is the ability to find humor in a situation, even if
you need someone to help you eat. Snyder suggests that in framing stories
of loss, the public reinforces a malignant stereotype. Rather than this,
we should understand that all people have capacities for reflection,
self-awareness, and they should have a voice that is heard.
As an interesting addition, Anne Basting’s Forget Memory, challenges the
centrality of “remembering” in our culture. She suggests that the stress
on memory and its loss omits a focus on the imagination, which is a
capacity that often can be found with people who have lost some of their
other cognitive abilities. Various programs can help people improve
their imaginations. She suggested that these programs emphasize the
value of being in the present, something patients are often good at. She
also emphasizes the relational nature of memory, as something existing
between people, not within them. Favored programs include StoryCorps,
Memory Bridge, TimeSlips, Meet Me at MOMA, Elders Share the Arts, as well
as songwriting and visual arts groups.
Anthea Innes (2009). Dementia Studies: A social science perspective.
Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Anne Davis Basting (2009). Forget memory: Creating better live for people
with dementia. Baltimore, MD: Johns Hopkins University Press.
Lisa Snyder (2009). Speaking our minds: What it’s like to have
Alzheimer’s. Baltimore, MD: Health Professions Press.
Peter Whitehouse and Daniel George (2008) The Myth of Alzheimer’s: What
you aren’t being told about today’s most dreaded diagnosis. New York: St.
Martin’s Press.
http://www.healthandage.com
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7. THIS MONTH'S LINKS:
11

12. THE SCIENCE OF A MEANINGFUL LIFE...
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/
ELDER COMMUNITIES ARE REAL OPTIONS FOR THIRD AGE...
http://www.secondjourney.org/Itin.htm
SOMETIMES ALZHEIMER’S CAN BE A BEGINNING...
http://www.memorybridge.org/?325224
IS THIS A POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR THE GULF OIL LEAK?
http://www.wimp.com/solutionoil/
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