1. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
The Importance Appropriate Reinforcers and Reinforcer Delivery
2. A= Words of Affirmation B=
Quality Time
C= Receiving Gifts
D= Acts of Service
E= Physical Touch
3. • Graduate of Moody Bible
Institute
• B.A. & M.A. in anthropology
from Wheaton College & Wake
Forest University
• M.R.E. (master of religious
education) & PhD's from
Southwestern Baptist
Theological Seminary
• Senior associate pastor at
Calvary Baptist Church in
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Gary Chapman B.A., M.A,. M.R.E, Ph.D.
4. To discover another person’s love language you
must observe the way that they express love to
others, analyze what they complain about most
often, and what they request from others most
often.
5. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than
words. If this is your Love Language,
unsolicited compliments mean the world to
you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are
important-hearing the reasons behind the love
sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave
you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
6. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing
says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention.
Being there for this type of person is critical,
but really being there-with the TV off, fork and
knife down, and all the chores and tasks on
standby-makes your significant other feel truly
special and loved. Distractions, postponed
dates, or the failure to listen can be especially
hurtful.
7. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this Love Language for
materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the
love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the
gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift
or gesture shows that you are known, you are
cared for, and you are prized above whatever
was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A
missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty,
thoughtless gift would be disastrous-so would
the absence of everyday gestures.
8. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an
expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you
do to ease the burden of responsibilities
weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will
speak volumes. The words he or she most
want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”
Laziness, broken commitments, and making
more work for them tell speakers of this
language their feelings don’t matter.
9. THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A
person whose primary Love Language is
Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very
touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding
hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm,
shoulder, or face-they can all be ways to
show excitement, concern, care and love.
Physical presence and accessibility are
crucial, while neglect or abuse can be
unforgivable and destructive.
11. This creates a problem when both people do not speak the
same Love Language
12. Due to this common
misconception, people react
differently than anticipated
when an individual is trying to
show that they care using
their own personal love
language.
15. Think about this…
Could it be possible that
many people are showing
you that they care everyday,
and you’re not seeing it
because you are perceiving
it through the filter of your
own Love Language?
16. THEORY OF MIND
Theory of the Mind (ToM) refers to the ability
humans have to recognize and attribute mental
states not only in themselves but in other
people, and to understand that feelings and
beliefs we have may be different than others.
For example, you may view yourself as a happy,
good natured person, but recognize that others
may not always be exactly like you - others may
be angry, hurtful, etc.
The theory also states that there are mental
conditions that prevent some people from being
able to recognize mental states in others. Some
conditions that interfere with this include autism
spectrum disorders, schizophrenia, ADHD, etc.
17.
18. Effective communication
can be accomplished
when you can
demonstrate caring to
another individual in the
Love Language they
understand.
Not unlike what we do for our clients with reinforcer and preference assessments.
i.e if your Love Language was “Words of Affirmation” and mine was ”Physical Touch” and I kept trying to hug you or touch you on the arm…you might become annoyed that I wasn’t respecting your space and also annoyed that I wasn’t valuing you by telling you that you were doing a good job….but I was, just using my own love language.
For example a husband whose Love Language is ”Acts of Service” tries to show his wife that he loves her by mowing the lawn, but the wife’s Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” While the wife will surely appreciate the fact that her husband mowed the lawn, she is more likely to feel loved when hearing words of affirmation, which is not how the husband naturally expresses his love.
Conversely a wife whose Love Language is “Receiving Gifts” tries to show her husband that she loves him by buying him thoughtful and useful gifts that she spends a lot of time tracking down; however, the husbands love language is “Quality Time” and so even though she has a lot time time and thought invested into the gifts he feels as if she’s just trying to buy him off.
ToM is so pervasive that we even unwittingly find ourselves assigning emotions and/or thoughts to even inanimate objects also known as (anthropomorphization)
i.e. if you are “Words of Affirmation” and the person you are trying to show you care is ”Receiving Gifts” you should try to communicate through their language rather than your own as your praise will ring hollow, whereas; a thoughtful surprise may lift their spirits and make them feel like they are cherished.
How do we teach this to our clients, who often are unable to read/perceive their loved one’s discomfort or unhappiness ? Or when they’re happy or excited or even in danger.
