Larry pitches his idea for a crime drama television show to two studio executives, Grant and Alan. However, Grant and Alan constantly interrupt and try to change key elements of Larry's idea, adding inappropriate or nonsensical elements such as a laugh track, setting it in Denmark, and including a talking puppet cat. Frustrated, Larry shouts that the original idea has promise, but Grant and Alan are unwilling to consider it without their unnecessary added elements.

1. The Pitch
By
Jed Grainger & Onyero Kihodu

2. INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY, a fresh out of film school producer, enters the
conference room. The two studio executives, GRANT and ALAN,
glare at him from the other sde of the room.
LARRY
Hello, my name is Larry Cohen
GRANT and ALAN glare at him in silence
LARRY
Nice day today isn’t it?
GRANT and ALAN glare at him in silence
LARRY
I mean as a whole this year has had
consistently good weather, compared
to last year at least
GRANT
Just get on with it. I want to be
finished by lunch
LARRY
Um right, yes hello. Thank you for
the opportunity and uhh, so. The
idea for my television crime drama
is as follows...
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Two teenage detectives enter a room and one of them starts
to sniff.
LARRY O/S
A sociopath and his friend solve
crimes that the police can’t manage
using their different approach.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells musty, like this
room hasn’t been opened for years.
(He kneels down to inspect some
footprints on the floor) Yet these
footprints are still wet.
DETECTIVE 2
So someone’s been here recently?
(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED: 2.
DETECTIVE 1
Undoubtedly. (He walks over to a
candle on the table and presses his
finger into the wax) The wax is
still soft and approximately 29
degrees Celsius. This candle has
been lit in the last hour and forty
five minutes. (He walks across the
room to the light switch and turns
it on) Why would you light a candle
in here when there’s a perfectly
good incandescent electric lamp?
ALAN O/S
But they’re just kids?
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Larry looks toward the floor.
LARRY
Yes, that was the twist.
Grant turns to Alan
GRANT
Se we’re going for a young
demographic then.
ALAN
What do young people like?
GRANT
Drugs?
ALAN
Self Harm?
GRANT
No! Sex...
ALAN
Hell yes! Young people love that.
GRANT
We need a woman in this.
LARRY
A woman?
(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED: 3.
ALAN
Yer, a fit one!
GRANT
With big boobies.
LARRY
Um, ok so why doesn’t the detective
have a female boss. That could
work? It pushes boundaries, it
shows the whole concept of work but
from a whole new revolutionary
feminist angle.
GRANT and ALAN stare at LARRY dumfounded
ALAN
Yer, got to have really big
boobies.
GRANT
Got to be a right sort.
LARRY
We could make her the sidekick?
ALAN
Now we are talking!
GRANT
This has got to be SOOOO sexual.
Larry smiles nervously.
INT.BASEMENT. NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* *SNIFFS AGAIN* *SNIFFS A
THIRD TIME*
Detective 2, now a sophisticatedly sensual woman, follows
him into the room.
DETECTIVE 1
Must you wear so much perfume? It
masks the evidence.
DETECTIVE 2
What would you rather smell, a
musty room or me?
(CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: 4.
DETECTIVE 1 turns round and looks at DETECTIVE 2. His eyes
widen, they both stare into each others eyes.
DETECTIVE 1
(Looking at his colleague’s
breasts) Visual evidence is far
more revealing anyway.
DETECTIVE 2
And what can you see?
DETECTIVE 1
Not quite enough.
DETECTIVE 2
Perhaps you need to take a closer
look...
They step towards each other. Larry interrupts.
LARRY O/S
(Flustered) In retrospect
isn’t it a bit much to have
the woman...
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
...as the sidekick. I always
imagined...
GRANT
What’s his quirk? Gotta have a
quirk.
ALAN
Disability is hot right now.
GRANT
Make him lose an arm.
ALAN
And make him an alcoholic.
GRANT
(Sings) Product placement!
Get Fosters on the phone.
LARRY
Guys! For this to work he really
needs two arms, dont you think?
Pause
(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED: 5.
Grant and Alan look at each other
LARRY
(Despondently) Or one arm. It works
just as well with one arm.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 looks worse for wear, he has lost an arm. He
enters the room with his female sidekick.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* drink
DETECTIVE 2
I thought you would never ask.
DETECTIVE 1
Shut up! *SNIFFS* beer *SNIFFS*
made from only the finest
czechoslovakian hops *SNIFFS*
Stella Artois
Detective 2 points. Cuts to a bottle of Stella Artois placed
attractivley next to a candle.
DETECTIVE 1
It’s reasurringly expensive!
DETECTIVE 2
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
case?
DETECTIVE 1
(Shouts)
Shut up! Have you lost an arm? No!
I have! I have to live with this!
You take everything for grantage
don’t you? You try opening an
envelope with one hand! You try
opening a bottle! It’s bloody hard!
Yet you come here complaining to
me!
ALAN O/S
Hmmm, probably a bit heavy.

7. 6.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Let’s add a laughter track.
LARRY
Uhm, WHAT?-
ALAN
Universally, audiences love a
laughter track because it tells
them when to laugh.
GRANT
I tell you what else audiences
love, black people.
LARRY
Isn’t that all a bit irrelevant?
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
message?
ALAN
Are you racist Larry?
LARRY
(Stuttering) Erm no, sorry, err not
at all...
GRANT
(Accusingly) Then why won’t you
allow black people in your film?
Haven’t they suffered enough?
LARRY
No, we can have people of all
ethnicities in it. That’s fine. I
mean, maybe not a main character
but there can certainly be
characters of different colours,
creeds and cultures in it, I have
no problem with that...
ALAN
Great, lets have a lovable black
man in it.
GRANT
He can be called CJ.
ALAN
No, Deshaune.
(CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: 7.
GRANT
I know, he can be called Science.
He can supply all his hood with
drugs.
ALAN
Young people like drugs!
LARRY looks astounded but nods anyway
GRANT
(Making a rainbow with his hands)
Think of the diversity.
Larry nods uncertainly.
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Detective 1 enters the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Smells like the time for a
drink.(Canned laughter)
His female sidekick enters and the laughter track does a
’Ooooooooooo’
DETECTIVE 2
Shouldn’t we be focusing on the
case?
DETECTIVE 1
Shouldn’t you be focusing on the
cooking?
Science the Black guy enters and the laughter track is
filled with cheers and laughter
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
DAMN! THAT’S COLD!
DETECTIVE 2
Hi, Science where you been?
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
KFC!
Big laugh.
Anyway I gots to go back to tha
crib to eat my chickens. Smell ya
laterz
Big laugh.

9. 8.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
Alan and Grant laugh
Larry is astounded and stunned at what he has just heard.
LARRY
But that’s not my idea...
ALAN
No, it’s better than your idea.
LARRY
But what’s the point of that? It’s
just cliched rubbish.
GRANT
Do you call diversity rubbish? Did
they not teach you anything at film
school?
LARRY
Yes but erm, ok why don’t we lose
the laughter track and whole one
arm thing, and then in return you
can add a few more minor changes?
ALAN
That can work. How much do you know
about Denmark?
LARRY
(Confused, wondering where this is
going) Errr, not much...
GRANT
Well that’s where it’s set now.
Danish crime dramas are really in
right now.
LARRY
(Repeating it in horror) Danish
crime dramas!
ALAN
Great. We knew you would love it!

10. 9.
EXT.COUNCIL ESTATE CAR PARK. DAY
The detectives arrive at the scene. They now speak in
Danish, naturalistic style. It is subtitled in English.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* It is time for a drink
DETECTIVE 2
You will drink yourself to death
DETECTIVE 1
Ha.
DETECTIVE 2
See that there. It’s blood.
DETECTIVE 1
Yes. It must have come from him. We
should investigate.
DETECTIVE 2
Yes.
LARRY O/S
No. No. No...
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
...I’m sorry it has to be in
English.
GRANT
(Accusingly) Why? Have you got
something against the good people
of Denmark?
LARRY
No, but it has to be in English!
ALAN
Well you’re one step away from
losing this pitch.
LARRY
(Sarcastically) Well why not go the
whole hog and make the detective an
alien who has crash landed on earth
and is trying to get back home?
(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED: 10.
GRANT
You know Larry, once in a blue moon
a man comes in here with a million
dollar idea. You are one of those
people.
Larry looks perplexed
ALAN
Think of all the merchandise we can
make from this!
GRANT
We are going to make so much money.
LARRY
Wait, you actually liked that?
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
The detectives enter the room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Blimey, it smells like the
Planet Autox in here. Now where did
I put my flux capacitator, my
innocently sexy android assistant?
DETECTIVE 2
Where you left it.
DETECTIVE 1
Yes, of course. But where was that?
DETECTIVE 2
(Desparingly) In the lock.
He turns round to see his flux capacitator is in the lock on
the door. He hurriedly pulls it out dramatically.
DETECTIVE 1
(Changing the subject) Did I ever
tell you about the time when...
DETECTIVE 2
(Abruptly) Yes.
DETECTIVE 1
Good Lord, are you still sulking
after that tiny tiitle we had in
the Andromeda Galaxy?

12. 11.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
GRANT
Wait, there’s something not quite
right about this.
LARRY
I couldn’t agree more sir, I was
thinking that maybe we should
revert back...
ALAN
It needs a smart talking puppet cat
in it. Kids will love that.
LARRY
What? Nooooo...
INT.BASEMENT (LOOKING FOR CLUES). NIGHT
Man enters room.
DETECTIVE 1
*SNIFFS* Blimey, where is the flux
capacitator?
SMART TALKIN’ CAT
Maybe if you wore your glasses then
you would know where they are, you
silly chicken!
Cat annoyingly laughs
Science The Black Guy enters the room to cheers from the
laughter track.
SCIENCE THE BLACK GUY
Did someone say chicken?
Laughter track
DETECTIVE 1
Have you seen my flux capacitator?
Cat annoyingly laughs
Science eats watermelon loudly
Last bit repeats over and over again, faster and faster.

13. 12.
INT.OFFICE.DAY
LARRY
(Shouts)
No! There is a good idea in there
and you know it’s there! Never mind
the laughter track, foreign
languages and the product placement
there is a good idea in there. An
idea that would sell, I came to you
guys because you had a history of
making groundbreaking TV Shows.
Trust me, stick to the idea and you
can do it again!
ALAN
Yes, you’re right. There is an idea
in there that could make us money
which we’ve been ignoring.
GRANT
You’re right, it’s what we should
be pursuing.
Larry smiles
EXT. BRICKWALL. DAY
The cat has his own children’s show which plays whilst the
credits role
SMART TALKIN’ CAT
So children, what have learnt from
our adventure today? Thats right,
the power of friendship. See you
next week *annoying laugh*