Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness. Loneliness ends when one finds or is found by another in a loving encounter, which happens when two people who are free to be themselves choose to share themselves through I-thou communication. For love to exist, there must be an appeal from the other that addresses one's subjectivity at a deeper, emotional level rather than just physically or conceptually. True love requires responding to this appeal by offering oneself to support the other's freedom and happiness unconditionally. Love creates a union between people where both individuals are able to become more fully themselves while also forming a new shared world. For love to last requires equality, commitment of one's whole being, respect, patience, and

1. Summaryof Phenomenologyof Love byManuel Dy.For ClassroomPurposesonly.
Phenomenologyof Love
Phenomenologyisthe studyof experience andhow we experience.Itstudiesstructuresof conscious
experience asexperiencedfromasubjectiveorfirst-personpointof view,alongwithits"intentionality"
(the wayan experience isdirectedtowardacertainobjectinthe world).Itthenleadstoanalysesof
conditionsof the possibilityof intentionality,conditionsinvolvingmotorskillsandhabits,background
social practicesand,often,language.
Experience,inaphenomenological sense,includeseverythingthatwe live throughorperform.What
makesan experience consciousisacertainawarenessone hasof the experiencewhile livingthroughor
performingit.
What islove?
Foundational Premise:A philosophyof Manwithouta philosophyof Love isincomplete.
“Withoutlove,youare nothingat all”
What is love?The notionof love hasbeenaskedsince the time of Plato.Yetthe realityof love hasnot
beenexhausted.Love isapart and parcel of man’s life.
A. MisconceptionsofLove:
1. Love isequatedwithromance.
-“Love isa manysplendoredthing.” –grandeur
- “Love hurts”
2. Love is picturedasan act of possessingandonbeingpossessedbyanotherperson.
- “You are mine.Iam yoursand youcan dowhateveryouwantto me.”
-“You are who I wantyouto be’
3. Love issynonymouswithsex.
- Beingphysicallyattractedtohim/herandgoingtobedwithhim/her.Leadstothe ideathat
friendshipisnotlove andwhentopeople breakup,theywouldstill down forfriendship,asif friendship
were inferiortolove
4. Love is blindandloversdonotsee
- Love has beenequatedwithadmiration.
Erich Fromm, “The art of Loving” – popular notionof love at presentis “fallinginlove"
1. Emphasisonbeinglovedratherthanloving
2. Emphasisonthe objectlovedratherthanon the facultyof loving
3. Confusionbetweenthe initial state of fallinginlove andthe permanentstanding-in-love.
*people mistake the initial feelingof infatuationaslove.
B. Lonelinessand Love
- Experience of love beginsfromthe experience of loneliness.
- Man as man is giftediswithself-consciousness,there comesapointinthe stage of man’slife
that he comesto an awarenessof hisunique self andthe possibilitiesopentohim.
- Hisnatural tendencyistoseekouthisfellow adolescentsforunderstandingandacceptance.

2. C. Equality in Love
- Uniformity,samenessinactuality.
- Until thiswill meanonenessindifference,the personwill remainlonelyamidstacrowd.
Lonelinessispossible evenif one isimmersedinthe crowd.Inan attemptto conformto the groupand
hidesone’sindividuality,hislonelinesseventuallyexpressesitself asanexperience of boredom.
Resortsto:
1. DrinksandDrugs or any formof heightenedsensation.
Effect:to involve one’stotal beinginsome kindof atrance reminiscentof the primitive
man’sritual and dance.
2. Beingbusywithcreative activity
Keepingon self-occupiedwithall sortsof activitytodivertone’sattentionfromoneself,
but thisisonlyfor some time.One will eventuallytire himself out.
Answertothe problemof loneliness:LOVE
 The reachingout to the otherpersonas an other.
 Love is the answertothe problemof lonelinessbecauseitisonlyinlove thatI findat-
onementandstill remainmyself.
*Love isthe unionunderthe conditionof preservingone’sintegrity,one’sindividuality,love isanact of
powerinman, a powerwhichbreakstothe wallswhichseparate manfromhisfellowmen,whichunites
himwithothers.
*Love makeshimovercome the sense of isolationandseparatedness,yet,itpermitshimtobe himself,
to retainhisintegrity.
D. Loving Encounter:
* Lonelinessendswhenone findsorisfoundbyanotherinwhatwe will call a lovingencounter.
* Meetingof persons
* Happenswhentwopersonsormore whoare free to be themselveschoose toshare themselves.
* PresupposesanI-thoucommunication
* Necessitatesanappeal =>the appeal of the otheraddressingmysubjectivity
- appeal of the other= to be able to see the other’sappeal,Ineedmore thaneyes;more thanmind – I
needanattitude,a heartthat has brokenawayfromself-preoccupation
- What isthe appeal of the other?
1. Not hiscorporeal orspiritual attractive qualitiessince theycanonlygave rise toenamoredness, a
desire tobe withthe other.
* Once the qualitiesceasetobe attractive,love alsoceases.
* Love is more than mere infatuation,more thanmere likingsuchandsuchqualitiesof the
other.
*The otherpersonismore than hisqualities,more thanwhatI can conceptualize of himand
love isthe experience of thisdepthandmysteryof the otherandthe firmwill tobe for him.
2. Not an explicitrequestcomingfromthe other.
*The appeal of the otheris himself.The otherinhisothernessishimselfthe request.The appeal
of the otheristhe call to participate inhissubjectivity,tobe withandfor him.
*The appeal of the otherwhichishimself enable me toliberate myselffrommynarrow self.
+Compatibilityisnotnecessarilylove.Neitherissubmissionnecessarilylove.

3. +Sometimes,refusingthe requestof the othermaybe the onlywayof lovingthe personina
situation,if satisfyingitwouldbringharmtothe person.
E. Response to the Appeal of the other:
* If the appeal of the otherishimself,the appropriate response tothatappeal ismyself.
* Asa subjectivity,the otherpersonisfree togive meaningtohislife.Hisappeal thentome
meansan invitationtowill hissubjectivity,toconsent,accept,support,andshare hisfreedom.
* His appeal thentome meansan invitationtowill hissubjectivity,toconsent,accept,support
and share hisfreedom.Love meanswillingthe other’sfree self-realization,hisdestiny,hishappiness.At
timesitmay meanrefusingwhatevercouldimpede ordestroythe other’spossibility forself-realization.
WhenI love the other,Iam saying“Iwant youto become whatyouwant to be,I wantyou to realize
your happinessfreely.”
* Love is notonlysayingitbut alsodoingit.It is effective,ittakesactions.
* To love himimpliesthatIwill hisbodilybeing,andconsequentlyhisworld.
* Love isinseparable fromcare,fromlabor.Tolove the otheris to laborforthat love,tocare for
hisbody,his worldand histotal well-being.
* Willingthe happinessof the otheralsoimpliesthatIhave an awarenessalthoughvague,of the
other’sdestiny.
* Love necessitatesapersonal knowledgeof the other.
* If love isnot to become domination,itmustbe balancedbya certainrespect,respectforthe
uniquenessandothernessof the other. Respectdoesnotmeanidolizingthe person;itsimply
meansacceptingthe personashe is,differentfrommyself.
* Acceptingthe otherisnot to be takenin a staticsense.
* Insuch a case, respectalsomeansbeing patient.Patienceisharmonizingmyrhythmwithhis.
It requiresalotof waitingandcatching-up,awaitingthatisactive,ever-readytoanswertothe needsof
the other,and a catchingup that is spontaneousandnatural.
F. Reciprocityof Love
It seemsthatlove is whollyconcernedwiththe other.
G. Whatis the relationshipbetweenlove ofthe other and love of myself?
* Inlove I offermyself tothe otherbyplacinga limitlesstrustinthe other.
* Thisopeningof myself tothe otherisinthe form of defenselessness.
* There isan elementof sacrifice inlovingthe otherwhichisoftenunderstoodbymanyasa loss
of self.Inlove Irenounce the motive of promotingmyself.
* The painliesinabandoningmyegoism, myself-centeredness.
* But thisdoesnotmeanlossof myself,onthe contrary,inlovingthe other,Ineedtolove
myself,andinlovingthe other,Icome to fulfill andlove myself.
* In lovingthe otherIhave to be concernedaboutmyself inorderformy love tobecome
authentic.Since inthe lovingencounterIamofferingmyself tothe other,the giftof myself mustbe first
of all valuable tomyself.
* Yetthisvalue of myself remainsunconfirmed,the joyof beingmyself ahiddenjoy.
* Ingivingmyself tothe other,Idiscovermy available self.
* There existinlovingthe otherthe desiretobe lovedinreturn.
* The primarymotive forlovingthe otheristhe otherhimself,the “You”.

4. * The motive inlove isthe “you”that is seennotonlybythe eyesor the mindbutmore bythe
heart”.
* Since the “you”is anothersubjectivity,he isfree torejector acceptmy offer.Thisisthe riskin
loving,thatthe othermay rejectorbetraythe self Ihave offeredtohim.
H. What happens inunreciprocated love?
@ Once cannoterase the possibilitythatthe rejectionof the belovedcouldbe atestof
authenticlove.
@ But grantedthat the rejectionisfinal,nodoubtthatthe experience ispainful,anditwill take
time forthe lovertorecoverhimself fromthe saidexperience.
@ Neverthelessthe experience canprovide himanopportunitytoexamine himself.
@ It can be an opportunityforself-reparation.
@ The experience of beingrejectedcanbe an emptyingof oneself whichwouldallow roomin
oneself fordevelopment.Unreciprocatedlove canstill be anenrichingexperience.
@ Indeedthe riskandrealityof love beingunreciprocatedprovesthat“there isnoshopinthe
worldthat sellslove”
I. Creativityin Love:
@ When love isreciprocated,itbecomesfruitful.
@ There is a distinctionbetweenlovingthe otherandknowinghimashe is.
@ Lovingthe otheriswillingthe other’sfreeself-realization,andwillingdemandsamakingof
the other.
@ What is createdinlove isa being-togetherness,a“we”.
@ Concomitantto the creationof the we is the creationof a new world – our world.
J. Unionof Love
@ The we that iscreatedin love isthe unionof personsandtheirworlds.
@ The unionof personsisnotan objective union:whentwothingsare unitedwhatresultsisa
compositionoranassimilation:the twoelementsare nolongerdistinguishablefromeachother – they
have each losttheiridentities.
@ The unionof love howeverdoesnotinvolvethe lossof identities.We become more of
ourselvesbylovingeachother.This isthe paradox of love,the manyinone.The one inmany.
K. The Giftof Self
@ Love isessentiallyagiftof self.
@ Love isa disinterestedgivingof myself forthe otherasother.
@ The givingisnota givingup.
@ Notthe givingof the marketingcharacter
@ Not of a virtuouscharacter
@ To give myself istogive mywill,myideas,myfeelings,myexperiencestothe other – inshort,
all that isalive inme.
@ love issharingmyself tothe other.

5. L. Why did I choose you and not some particular other?
Because youare lovable.Youare lovable becauseyouare you.I see certainvalue inyouandI want to
enhance andbe a part of that value.
M. Love is Historical
@ Love ishistorical because the otherwhoisthe point atissue inlove isa concrete particular
person.Love isnot love if itissimplylove of humanityinthe abstract.
@ The concrete otherisnot an ideal personbuta unique beingwithall hisstrengthand
weaknesses.
@ To love the otherdoesnotmeanimprovinghim, althoughinthe course of the relationshipit
doeshappenthatthe other becomesmore of hisauthenticself.
@ To love istolove the otherhistorically.
@ Love involvesnoabstraction.Everythinginlove isconcrete.Incontrast,loneliness, the
absence of love,livesamongshadows,involvesthatnothingisreal.
N. Equality in Love
@ If love isessentiallybetweenpersons,thenitfollowsthatlove canonlythrive andgrowin
freedom.Inloving,Idonotsurrendermylibertyandbecome a slave to the beloved.Love isnota
bondage buta liberation.
@ There existanequalityof personsinlove,the equalityinwhattheyare,assubjects,as
freedom,andnotinwhat theyhave.
O. Love is total, eternal and sacred
@ Man as a personis nota bundle of qualitiesandfunctions.Asaperson,he isindivisible
throughtime and space.
@ Love isa giftof self tothe otheras self cannotbe total.
@ The “you” inlove isindivisible andthuslove isanundividedcommitmenttothe other.Itis
offered fromthe totalityof mybeingtothe totalityof the other’sbeing.
@ Love iseternal.The giftof myself forthe otherisnotfor a limitedperiodof time only.True
friendshipcanbe broken,yetpeople donotbecome friendsonthe understandingthatthey will be
friendsonlyfora limitedtime.
@ Love impliesimmortality.Inlove,we catcha glimpse of eternity.Itevenconquersdeath.
@ Love issacred,the personsinvolvedinlove are unique,irreplaceable beingsandassuchare
valuable inthemselves.
@ The greatesttragedythatcouldhappento a loveriswhenhistrustis betrayed,whenthe self
that isentrustedinconfidencetothe otherisdisclosedorthrownto the public.Whenaconfidence is
betrayed,somethingfineandbeautiful dies.
@ Love isto be practicedrather thantalkedabout.