Typically, the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and or fear of failure.Happyho http://happpyho.in

1. Stop Being People
Pleaser To Stay
Happy
Happiness Tips
By: HappyHO

2. About
• One common behavioral pattern I have seen over and
over again among people who are unable to lose weight
or otherwise manage their health is the People Pleaser.
A People Pleaser is one of the nicest and most helpful
people you know. They never say “no.” You can always
count on them for a favor. In fact, they spend a great
deal of time doing things for other people.

3. Contd….
• They get their work done, help others with their work,
make all the plans, and are always there for family
members and friends. So far this sounds like a good
thing. Unfortunately, it can be an extremely unhealthy
pattern of behavior. Consider the story of Janet.

4. Contd….
• Janet is a 42 year old mother of 2 boys, 11 and 13. She
works full-time as a nurse. She is 50 pounds over weight
and hasn’t lost any weight after 10 weeks in our weight
loss program, so we sit down to figure out what might be
wrong. She says she hasn’t started exercising or
keeping a diet journal and she continues to eat fast food
several times a week.

5. Contd….

6. Contd….
• She tells me, “I’m too busy. My only chance is to get up
at 5am and go walking but I then get up and realize how
much there is to do. I find myself getting distracted
making lunches, getting on the computer to respond to
emails, and other things around the house. I can’t
exercise after work because I have to drive straight to
the boy’s games. Jack has soccer on Wed and Sat.
Jason has baseball on Tuesdays and then karate on
Friday.

7. Contd….
• By the time we get home we are starving so I just throw
something together quick or get drive thru if I haven’t
planned dinner in advance. After dinner I feel guilty and
start planning dinner for the next day, after that it’s
probably 9pm and I’m ready to crash. I also have to
make it out to the nursing home to see my grandmother
twice a week, which I fit in on the weekend or a day the
kids don’t have a game. I’m exhausted. There just is no
time.”

8. Contd….
• Janet is a People Pleaser. All of her time revolves
around taking care of other people. When she says she
has no time to exercise, she is right. She definitely can’t
exercise if she wants to keep to all of these
commitments.

9. Contd….
• Why am I a People Pleaser? Typically, the intense need
to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a
fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. Fear of Rejection
is the underlying feeling that, “If I don’t do everything I
can to make this person happy they might leave or stop
caring for me.

10. Contd….
• Fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in
which love was conditional or in which you were
rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life
(parent left or was emotionally unavailable or
inconsistently available). Fear of Failure is the underlying
feeling that “If I make a mistake, I will disappoint people
and/or be punished.”

11. Contd….
• To deal with that anxiety, we do everything we can to get
things right, finish the job, and make sure everybody is
happy.
• Regardless of the origins, consistently putting others
needs above your own can develop into the following 5
pretty bad consequences. I suggest some solutions for
each.

12. Contd….
• 1. Neglect self – People Pleasers devote very little time
to taking care of their own health. Their efforts towards
taking care of others usurps time they need to be active,
de-stress, plan healthy meals, etc. As a result they may
be more prone to health problems. If you are a People
Pleaser your heart is in the right place. Wanting to take
care of others is not a bad thing and if more people had
a little bit of what you have, the world would be a better
place.

13. Contd….
• However, you cannot do this at the expense of yourself.
A balance is needed. Consider that taking care of
yourself makes you better equipped to take care of
others by giving you the energy and vitality to do it even
better than you are now. Imagine you are driving a Red
Cross truck delivering food and water to hurricane
victims.

14. Contd….
• If you are in such a hurry to get to every single victim
that you don’t stop once in a while to refuel the truck,
eventually you will be stalled on the side of the road
helping no one. Think of the time you put into exercise,
de-stressing, and eating healthy as your fuel stops.

15. Contd….
• 2. Passive aggression and/or resentment – Over time,
Janet is likely to find herself silently angry at the people
in her life. Her desire to be kind will suppress that anger
but unexpressed anger often turns into passive
aggression.

16. Contd….
•We are being passive aggressive when we make sharp
comments, crack sarcastic jokes, or make subtle actions
that let a little of our negative feelings seep out (e.g., doing
the favor but in a half-assed fashion). Making matters
worse, mounting resentment is the biggest destroyer of
relationships.

17. Contd….
Communicating your feelings is the only way to avoid
resentment, although it requires taking the risk that the
other person might not be happy to hear that you are upset
or they may not take responsibility for what has upset you.
The outcome doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you
spoke up for yourself.

18. Contd….
•Speaking up also puts people on notice that they will be
informed when they have done something that has upset
you. This alone can make people tread more lightly.

19. Contd….
•3. Reduces ability to enjoy other people and activities – At
one point Janet made the guilt-laden confession that she
didn’t even enjoy going to her son’s ball games. She said
she feels so stressed while she’s there, thinking of all the
things she still needs to get done that it takes away from
her ability to enjoy the game.

20. Contd….
I really can’t imagine that her son doesn’t pick up on his
mom’s lack of enthusiasm. Your level of engagement in an
activity or a person is impossible to hide. What message do
we send our loved ones by being present but disengaged?

21. Contd….
Being present but disengaged is not better than being
absent. By attending less frequently and recharging herself
in the interim, she would get more enjoyment from his
games and be more of an active and engaged participant in
her son’s life.

22. Contd….
4. Stress and Depression – the definition of stress is having
more demands than you can handle. People Pleasing can
turn into a vicious cycle of chronic stress and unhealthy
behaviors. If you have the constant feeling like you are too
busy and doing everything for everyone else but yourself,
you might be stuck in this cycle.

23. Contd….
Stress and depression can be medicated but that won’t
break the cycle. If pulling out of the cycle seems
overwhelming, identify one small place you can start.
Identify one responsibility you have taken on that you can
cancel to free up some time for yourself. Work from there.
Find one person in your life to share your plan with and ask
them to help you implement it.

24. Contd….
5. Be taken advantage of – By always saying yes to
requests for favors, people may begin to take advantage of
your kindness by asking for more than is reasonable. Even
worse, you may become the target of exploitive people
because they will quickly see that you can’t say no and take
as much as they can from you.

25. Contd….
Even people who are generally not exploitive may take
advantage because they don’t realize that you are
overtaxing yourself and have difficulty understanding where
your boundaries are because you have set none. Either
way, requests from other people will become
overwhelming. We teach people how to treat us by the
behavior we accept or reject from them.

26. Contd….
If someone takes advantage of you, it is only their fault
once. After that it is your fault for not teaching them
different. Teaching different means setting boundaries
about what you can and cannot do, and what you will and
will not accept. Once you have established this, sticking to
it is important.

27. Contd….
• The other challenge is that if everyone is used to you
saying yes, they may feel disappointed or angry when
you begin to say no. It is extremely important to ignore
feelings of guilt. You deserve to take care of yourself, it
is nothing to ever feel guilty about. Keep reminding
yourself of the Red Cross Truck.
• –Sherry Pagoto

28. Contd….
Happy Ho Point of Veiw
People pleasers are sacrificing their own health for others.
Stope doing so because if you take care of yourself you will
be able to take of people you love and care for. Emotional
wellness leading to happiness emerge out of the art of
knowing to say “NO” and becoming truthful to your real self.
Lead a Happy ho life.

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www.happyho.in
Thank You