Article discussing the relationship paradox and guidelines for effective and authentic relationships.

1. MaRi Hersey
Student no:2004 15069
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Interpersonal Leadership
The essence of authentic relationships
Principles for relationship building
October 2004
This report contains 19 pages
Report for RAU

2. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Contents
1 The Essence of Authentic relationships and the
building blocks to building effective relationships 1
1.1 Background 1
1.2 The problem of absolute thinking in interpersonal relationships
– attempting to resolve the relationships paradox 2
1.3 Applying fuzzy sets to address the relationship dilemma 4
1.4 The essence of authentic relationships 6
1.5 The Golden Rule 7
1.6 Accepting others unconditionally 9
1.7 Applying a heart code approach 12
1.8 Summarising how the essence of authentic relationships
contribute towards effectively dealing with the relationships
paradox 14
References 16
Social Leadership

3. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
1 The Essence of Authentic relationships and the building
blocks to building effective relationships
1.1 Background
The report is divided into two main sections. In the first part the argument is
made that there is a dominant mindset of duality, where people attempt to
deal with relationships in a win-loose manner juggling between self-interest
and having to need other people to assist them in achieving their self-
interest.
Using the more eastern mindset which has been effectively applied in
technology development, called Fuzzy Logic (Kosko, B: 1994) the argument
is made that a win-win situation for self-directed as well as other-directed
motives exist. Such an approach would result in the emergence of the
essential qualities required for effective relationships that add value to self
and others – the self-expression that makes a difference, as described
by Cashman, K (1998: 108).
Once the qualities are identified which would indicate the “how” of authentic
relationships, the next step is the identification of principles to achieve these
qualities in our relationships.
Although the assignment was split into two sections (theme 3 and theme 5),
this approach combines them to indicate the interrelatedness and flow
between the quality sought (the wall) and the principles required to achieve
the quality in relationships.
The report does not comment in details on the process for building such
bricks.
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4. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
1.2 The problem of absolute thinking in interpersonal relationships
– attempting to resolve the relationships paradox
The relationship paradox is described by Smith, D (2004, 89) who quotes
Glasser who asks: “how can I figure out how to be free and live my life the
way I want to live it and still get along well with the people I need?” (quoting
Glasser, 1998:41). This tension is shown in the diagram below:
SELF DIRECTED
ten
sio
n
OTHER DIRECTED
RELATIONSHIP PARADOX
We have been socialised to think in terms of absolutes. This dominant
mindset of trying to resolve paradox results in problems in relationships. In
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5. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
business, for example, the emphasis is on win/loose (competition). This
duality world does not accept shades of grey, as it means giving up your
position, and thus ending up in the ‘loose’ situation.
Jamshid Gharajedagh (1999:38) states that these conflicting tendencies are
formulated as dichotomies that are mutually exclusive and represents a win-
loose relationship. Loosing means being eliminated from the game.
He further indicates that, when people do have to enter into the world of
shades of grey, they interpret this as compromise, and are thus
frustrated: “This calls for a compromise, or resolution of the conflict.
Compromise is a frustrating point, a give-and-take struggle. Depending on
the relative strength of the poles of tension, the power game will come to a
temporary halt. The compromise point is an unstable mixture, usually
containing elements of two elements. As the power struggle changes, so
does the compromised position” (Gharajedaghi) (1999:38).
Using this approach towards the relationship paradox, the argument can be
made that the attempt to resolve the paradox using the duality mindset,
would result in potentially the following problems:
 Mostly self-directed behaviour
This would result in problems where a person’s behaviour in a relationship
is focused on getting their own way, manifested in, what Glasser
describes as external control. This can be seen in ego-directed
characteristics as described by Smith, D (2004) in the Interpersonal
Leadership portfolio (2004: 98 – 99). Examples are:
o Being a score keeper
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6. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
o Being a fault finder
o Being self-righteous
o Not wanting to forgive
This type of behaviour prevents us from expression our true nature
(character) and make us persona focused. This persona or mask carries
through into our relationships, preventing authentic relationships.
 Mostly other-directed behaviour
This would result in problems where a person’s behaviour in a relationship
is focused on just pleasing others. Problems with this could be over-
dependence on others and their opinions of you (resulting in lack of self-
worth), being taken advantage of, small circle of influence, feeling of not
having any control in your life.
Both approaches prevent authentic self-expression that creates value and
make a real difference for the person and for others.
1.3 Applying fuzzy sets to address the relationship dilemma
Fuzzy logic is about not resolving paradox, but moving from “or” thinking
(duality) into “and” thinking. Fuzzy logic is based on the principle that two
opposing ideas or concepts can co-exist. This deeply spiritual principle is
indicated by the yin-yan symbol:
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7. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Andrew T Cummings interprets this symbol as having deep meaning ”It
symbolises the dual nature of the universe, the existence of two opposing
forces whose merger creates perfection, who are inseparable and indivisible
and characterise all that exist. It symbolises the balance between them – a
balance that is dynamic, continuous and changing.”(Andrew T Cummings:
2003:41)
When we use this mindset to view the relationship paradox, we find that there
are two main sets of forces within the relationship. This is shown in the
diagram below:
TWO SUB-SETS WITHIN THE PARADOX
O 1
Self-directed
Not self-directed Self-directed
O 1
Other-directed
Self-directed
Not other-directed Other-directed
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8. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Both self-directed as well as other-directed behaviour co-exist within people.
This is because, in our nature, we need to look out for ourselves, but we also
have a need for social interaction and need others to achieve our personal
goals.
There is a healthy state for self-directedness, a high degree of which would
be described as personal leadership in terms of PPL, namely personal
mastery (ethos in terms of the Smith PPL Pyramid). When that is fully
developed, it could be described as 1 and completely under-developed as 0.
Simultaneously, a healthy state of other-directedness can exists, which would
be manifested as Pathos (the Smith PPL Pyramid). When that is fully
described, could be described as 1 and completely under-developed as 0.
For authentic relationships, we would need to develop both sets (our innate
ability), and thus focusing on personal mastery and our relationship with self
is as important as focusing on relationships with others.
This would result in a win-win situation for ourselves and others, an important
relationship principle per Covey, S (1994).
1.4 The essence of authentic relationships
The following qualities address both self-directedness as well as other-
directedness”
 The Golden Rule
 Accepting others unconditionally
 Applying a heart code approach
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9. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
These will result in personal authenticity, as well as relationship authenticity.
In other words, where we express our true essence (our character) in a way
that contributes positively towards ourselves and others.
1.5 The Golden Rule
The principle of the Golden Rule is simply to consider how you would feel
if someone would treat you the way you treat another. As Twerski says
“Do Unto Others” what you would do unto yourself.
To be able to then understand how others want to be treated, you would
need to firstly build a relationship with yourself and learn to understand what
you want. (Maxwell, J: 2002:11)
The ability of applying the Golden Rule to increase connectedness to your
inner core as well as other people is well described by Twersky.when he
states: “The truth is that when we do for others, we are really doing for
ourselves, in that we advance in our spirituality, the component that makes
us uniquely human and elevates us from all other forms of life” (Twerski A,
1997: 13 – 14).
When the Golden Rule is applied, it results in goodness, it boosts self-
esteem and spirituality. It results in love for others and love for ourselves.
Therefore the Golden Rule contributes towards realising our self-
directed needs, as well as contributing towards the needs of others.
When the Golden Rule is not in place in relationships, it results in lack of
empathy, scarcity mentality, back-stabbing and gossiping and other
behaviours that do not contribute to a better life.
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10. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Apply the Golden Rule as a relationship principle
 Determining what you would like to receive from other people through
examining how you would like others to treat you
When we carefully examine how we want to be treated by others, we will
understand how others would like to be treated. This rule can by applied
constantly in situations in life, including moral dilemmas. When we put
ourselves in the shoes of others when we act in life, we will act with more
fairness and empathy, with increased understanding and goodness.
Dale Carnegie says that the big secret in dealing with people is knowing
what they want (Carnegie, D: 1981: 47).
Some of the examples that John Maxwell (2004) give what people want from
others are concern, help, sensitivity and motivation for their own benefit.
 Developing a capacity be able to give:
If you constantly need others to make you feel good, you will have difficulty in
giving back something which you believe you do not have to give. A needy
person find it more difficult to give of what they perceive to be scarce for
themselves. No-one would expect a starving person to give away their last bit
of food to someone else and thus die as a result.
This means you would need to build capacity within yourself in terms of
care, trust, confidence and the qualities you would like to be able to give to
others) in order to have abundantly to give away without expectation of
receiving same in return.
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11. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
 Learning to receive
Some people find it hard to receive, and easy to give. A person who does not
know the joy of receiving, will understand little of how to give without having
expectation of return (scorekeeping).
Once you understand the joy of unconditional receiving, it is possible to learn
to also give without conditions or expectations to return the favour. This
includes discarding the concept of the proverb of “what you cast upon the
water will be returned ten-fold”.
Many people still give onto others with the mindset that there should be some
return from somewhere to acknowledge this act.
1.6 Accepting others unconditionally
Ruiz (1999) describes the perfect relationship as one where you have no
expectations that the other party should change to fit into the image
you have created for yourself around the role they play in your life.
He argues that we do not hold expectations from, for example, our dogs, to
behave like anything else but a dog. When we relate with others, our attitude
should be the same – not wanting to change them into someone else or
something else that they are not. In other words, allowing them to be
authentic.
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12. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
An important condition is that, “only by loving yourself and accepting
yourself the way you are can you truly be and express all you are” (Ruiz,
1999: 81).
In learning to unconditionally accept and love ourselves, we satisfy our
personal needs for self-acceptance and feeling worthy. Through
unconditionally accepting others, we are able to improve the quality of our
relationships and allow other people to be without masks. We remove the
requirement of living up to some image, thus releasing others from this
burden when they interact with us.
Thus the paradox problem is satisfied and results in more authentic
relationships.
When we cannot enter relationships without wanting to change the other
person(s), we force people to wear masks around us and pretend to be
something they are not. This means we cannot trust them, and they cannot
trust us (lack of trust). We would spend a lot of effort in trying to change other
people, which would force us to use external control such as manipulation,
threats, and other tactics. Obviously this would prevent good relationships.
Applying the principle of unconditional acceptance of others in
relationship building
 Build personal worth and self-esteem to achieve self-love and acceptance
Many of our self-directed behaviour is as a result of poor self-esteem and
inability to cope with life. We become obsessed with ourselves, thus feeding
ego-centric behaviour. Branden, N (1994) writes about how the lack of self-
esteem impacts on all aspects of our lives, including relationships. Focusing
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13. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
on developing our self-worth will go a long way in developing personal
acceptance of who we are.
 Seek first to understand before to be understood (Covey, S, 1994) -
inquire first before advocating
Each person enters a relationship with their own mental models (models of
how the world works). Our assumptions are hidden from others and often
from ourselves until they are exposed in conversation and other interaction
with others.
Typically people enter relationships from an advocacy (advocate and argue
“my” point of view) instead of inquiry about the assumptions, beliefs and
values of other people.
David Bohm, an expert on creativity, proposes that one prerequisite for
originality is that a person shall not impose his preconceptions – and that
he/she must learn something new. (1998:3)
In applying this principle, relationships can contribute to new value for self
and others. Through seeking to understand others, we can learn to
accept them unconditionally. Deeper understanding others will, in return,
result in deepening our understanding and acceptance of ourselves.
When we deal with people focusing first on their need to be understand, we
build trust and confidence in our relationships.
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14. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
1.7 Applying a heart code approach
“The heart stores energy and information that comprise the essence of who
we are, and that sensitive persons who have received cardiac transplants
may reveal the often invisible heart’s code of the donor’s organs living inside
them” Pearsall, P (1998: x).
A person living primarily from brain-code dominance will overwork the heart,
resulting in death. The brain is naturally self-directed, and the heart more
other-directed (Smith, D: 2004: 9).
Pearsal, P (1998: 95 - 96) indicates that the heart-code approach is more
feminine, viewing the world in terms of “us” instead of “just me”. It
fosters more open-mindedness and thus accommodation of others. It
also allows the person to be trusting and dependent on others.
The benefit of increasing heart-code sensitivity will result in improved health
and wellness for a person, including pre-mature death. Thus, becoming more
of a “heart” person is not only good for those you have a relationship with, but
also for yourself.
The heart code approach thus contributes towards addressing the
relationship paradox.
When we do not approach relationships with a heart code, we loose
connection to our deeper core as well as to others, including a higher
purpose and meaning for our lives.
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15. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Applying the principle of a heart code approach in building
relationships
 The art of deep listening
Chatterjee, D (1998) writes that listening was valued in the sacred traditions
as it was synonymous with learning. Through listening we can learn more
deeply. Communication begins with listening. When we close our eyes, we
stop being distracted by our visual senses, and tap more closely into our
heart once the background noise become silent.
Deep listening allows us to connect with the intention of the
communication, not the superficial language of the word (brain code –
fractal dimension) (Chatterjee, D) (1998: 113). In other words, it focused us
into heart-code mode in our interaction with others.
Thought applying the heart code in listening, we will implement empathetic
listening skills.
 The practice of cardio-contemplation (Pearsall, P: 1998: 152)
This form of meditation is a focused attention on the heart. Similar techniques
are being taught by the Heartmath Foundation. This approach assist us in
being more sensitive to life and experiencing it more subtly as an inclusive
world consisting of others and not “just” me.
The focus of this meditation is to increase awareness of oneself and
connectedness to the environment (including others).
Summarising Dr Pearsall’s comments, cardio-contemplation will also assist in
achieving cardio-coherence where the heart rate variances is more stable
(positive emotional state). This state has been linked to improved health and
resilience.
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16. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
 Connecting with others heart-to-heart – making contact with the hearts of
others
This principle focuses on connecting with people not only from the mind, but
literally from your heart to another’s heart. This means we focus our
awareness and perception on the hearts of others.
Doing this will result in, for example, spontaneous application of the Golden
Rule. It will deepen empathy, and reduce ego-centric behaviour.
Connecting in this way will ensure we build an emotional bank account in
relationships.
 Motivating people for their benefit
When we apply the heart code, we motivate people for their own benefit as
described by Maxwell, J (2004).
When we use the heart approach, we will stop external control to attempt to
get what we want, and instead focusing on “what is in it for them too” in our
dealings with people. This is a more ethical form of persuasion.
1.8 Summarising how the essence of authentic relationships
contribute towards effectively dealing with the relationships
paradox
For relationship to create value for ourselves and others, we need to apply
the Golden Rule, accept others unconditionally and live life from the Heart’s
Code.
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17. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
These essential qualities, when built through applying the building blocks as
discussed under each, will assist us in dealing more effectively with the
problem of looking our for ourselves and also the need for social interaction
and our inter-dependence on other people.
The commitment, wiliness and deliberate development of these qualities will
make a significant contribution towards Interpersonal Leadership – our innate
ability to relate to ourselves and others in a life-enhancing way.
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18. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
References
Bohm, D (1998) On Creativity
Branden, N (1994) The six pillars of self-esteem: The definitive work on self-
esteem by the leading pioneer in the field Bantam
Carnegie, D (1981) How to win friends and influence people Simon and
Schuster
Cashman, K (1998) Leadership from the Inside Out - Becoming a leader for
life Executive Excellence Publishing
Charajedaghi, J (1999) Systems Thinking: Managing chaos and complexity:
A platform for designing business architechture
Chatterjee, D (1998) Leading consciously: A pilgrimage towards self-mastery
Viva Books Private Limited
Covey,S (1994) The 7 Habits of highly effective people – Powerful lessons in
Personal Change Simon Schuster
Cummings, A T (2003) All about symbols
Kosko, B (1994) Fuzzy Thinking: The new science of fuzzy logic
Maxwell, J C (2004) Be a people person: Effective leadership through
effective relationships
Pearsall, P (1998) The heart’s code: Tapping the wisdom and power of our
heart energy Roadway Books New York
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19. MaRi Hersey M Phil (HRM) (PPL)
Student no:2004 15069 Interpersonal Leadership
RAU – M Phil (HRM) (PPL) October 2004
Ruiz, D M (1999): The Mastery of Love – A practical guide to the Art of
Relationship Amber-Allen Publishing
Smith, D (2004) Interpersonal Leadership Portfolio for the M Phil (HRM) PPL
for the Rand Afrikaans University
Twerski, A (1997) Do unto others: How good deeds can change your life
Andre McMeel Publishing
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