Marital counseling and infidelity
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The document discusses marital counseling and treatment for infidelity. It outlines that infidelity is often a symptom of underlying relationship problems. Treatment incorporates general marital counseling techniques and focuses on developing communication skills. Specific counseling approaches are discussed, including active listening, empathy building, cognitive distortions, and trust-enhancing behaviors to help rebuild the relationship.
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Marital counseling and infidelity
- 1. Marital Counseling and Infidelity Conceptualization and Treatment Brooke Schauder, PhD Erie Psychology Consortium Pacific Graduate School of Psychology
Editor's Notes
- Listening is key to effective communication. Listed here are the “obstructions” to effective listening. Many of these slides can be directly made into handouts for a couple
- It is essential in couples therapy that the partners build empathy for each other – try to perceive another as a human trying to survive, rather than the enemy One strategy that can be effective for learning empathy is called “reversal” and it’s basically that. Ask the couple to chose a topic that they frequently argue about, one that’s not too intense or heated, such as perhaps one partner’s habit of messiness. Ask them to do a role reversal and discuss the topic only for about 5 minutes – each taking the other’s side of the argument.
- Most couples have not been trained in behavioral therapy and therefore simply learning to reinforce desired behaviors is not something they know how to do. Many couples use negative reinforcement naturally – such as a nagging spouse, nagging until the desired behavior is done and then removing the nagging. As we all know, negative reinforcement is only one way to change behavior and positive reinforcement often proves much more effective. So, a simply plan to practice using positive reinforcement: Mutual pleasers are key and can be missing from many relationships.
- Like with children, couples sometimes find it useful to use a time-out procedure. It’s been proven that once a person is aggravated or physiologically aroused past a certain point, their thinking is no longer logical. Therefore, continuing to argue after this peak is completely non-productive, something couples don’t’ often realize. So, after explaining that, you can introduce this time-out procedure to the couple.
- moving onto working with a couple that had an affair: there is not a lot of literature out there on treating affairs and really therapists haven’t come to an agreement on even the most basic parts of therapy, such as whether or not a couple should tell about the affair. So #1 there does need to be more research in this area, but secondly this disparity has to do with the fact that each couple is different and often an affair is due to another problem in the marriage or one of the individuals, rather than the core problem itself. Therefore, there are many different ways of going about treatment for an affair. One of the main points of dispute is when, how, and even if the affair should be admitted to the other partner. One therapist I actually talked to about this said that she advises them NOT to tell. Most of the literature I came across advocating admitting the affair, but not necessarily immediately. One of the books I found was called the “Monogamy myth” – actually an excellent resource, but a very liberal position on infidelity as many of the resources are. Premise of many treatments is that the therapists should not take a moral stance on whether affairs are right or wrong in themselves. Information they use to support this (read) So basically many therapists take the position that infidelity is a natural human proclivity and should not be defined as inherently right or wrong. Do do therapy with this clientele, you don’t have to necessarily internalize this belief, but perhaps convey a sense of acceptance to the couple that they are not morally “bad” or “sinful.” Really keep in mind that the goal is to look at the couple as a system and how the affair affected the system, rather than punishment for the wrongdoing. Also, keeping an open attitude about separation or divorce is very important – it’s good not to have a predisposed belief that all couples should break up after an affair.
- To convey this nonjudgmental stance, you’ll want to use the right language. Avoid these terms Also, in initial stages of therapy, it can be useful to have 1 session individually with each partner – they may need to talk about some of the things they are not yet ready to open up with the partner about. Although this is usually contradicted in normal couples therapy, it is sometimes very helpful in these situations. Must first make agreement as to what will remain confidential – whether you will disclose info. From the initial sessions – usually best not.
- This process can take months or years Make sure the decision whether to stay or go does not take place right away – this time period is too emotionally charged to make life changing decisions
- These are some of the initial cognitions common to the partner upon finding out about the affair (read) -it may seem logical to blame the relationship, and in some cases it is. However, in some cases it wasn’t the problem with the flawed relationship
- Often the reaction of the monogamous partner is quite similar to a PTSD reaction. This is why talking about the details of the affair is so necessary, just as processing the emotions of a traumatic event are in PTSD. The partner will need to go through all the dirty details in order to heal from the trauma.
- By accepting, I do not mean appreciating, but simply not denying that it happened Overcoming the secrecy is really key, because anything that is kept secret = something to be ashamed of – this goes for both partners.
- In order for the healing to take place, the couple really needs to talk about the affair. It is painful, but part of the therapy is providing a safe place to discuss the details. Here I’ve listed the primary barriers to opening up about the affair #1 they’ve been hiding it so long and also in our culture affairs are often not talked about – even after they’re admitted
- In a heterosexual relationship, more of the blame traditionally lies on the woman partner – many have an initial reaction that if the woman had tried harder, she could have somehow “prevented the affair”. Also, in our society, women are the ones who typically are responsible for saying “no” – so often if the “third party” is a woman, she often gets more of the blame than the married man. Therefore, not only does the male partner have a strong sense of guilt, but often the woman does also, which needs to be addressed in therapy.
- This assumption often is true, research finds. Additionally, research shows that these non-monogamous relationships are not necessarily detrimental to the couple. Supports the “monogomy Myth” I talked about earlier. Nevertheless, if a couple is in distress over an affair, gay or straight, you need to think about the couple as an individual and not place them into another category.
- An important step in recovery is exploring how the partners were damaged by early life experiences and how this affects current relationship I’ve listed some common problems individuals develop in childhood that can incrase their chances of having an affair.
- Often after an affair, a couples sex life diminishes. However, the opposite can also happen. More rarely is there no change, so be prepared for some sort of difference. If the sexual relationship does come to a halt, it is often because the monogamous partner needs to re-establish sexual confidence. They often have the belief that the affair happened because their unattractiveness. So, non-sexual touch should be encouraged to re-build that sense of closeness and confidence.
- Other ways to increase trust: You might start to notice that getting through an affair can really improve a couples relationship, in comparison to how it may have been before the affair. Although many end in divorce, those that do stay together often end up stronger.
- The last step in the therapy process is forgiveness. The therapist can teach the couple that: 1 forgiveness happens gradually (there is often a temptation to have it be black and white or “over and done”