This document is the summer 1999 issue of a magazine called The Door From Hell. It contains various articles and sections. All roles in producing and running the magazine are filled by one person, Ed Burton. The issue includes articles on a lake monster called Bessie, how an outhouse works, a profile of porn star Alex Sanders, and more. It also contains letters to the editor, including one signed by "Jezus Christ" praising the magazine.

1. July 1999 Vo l . 1 : I s s u e 1 2
SUMMER FUN ISSUE

2. OUR STAFF
PUBLISHER..................................................ED BURTON
PRESIDENT..................................................ED BURTON
VICE PRESIDENT..........................................ED BURTON
PHOTOGRAPHY.............................................ED BURTON
REPORTER....................................................ED BURTON
WRITER.......................................................ED BURTON
GRAPHICS....................................................ED BURTON
SECURITY....................................................ED BURTON
ANIMAL TRAINER........................................ED BURTON
SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................................ED BURTON
PROMOTIONS...............................................ED BURTON
KING..........................................................ED BURTON
KEY GRIP....................................................ED BURTON
ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........................ED BURTON
SCOUT.........................................................ED BURTON
MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........................ED BURTON
CAPTAIN OF THE USS
ENTERPRISE........................................JAMES T. KIRK
LEADER OF THE
AUTOBOTS..........................................OPTIMUS PRIME
SIDEKICK TO SIMON.................................GARFUNKEL
Thanks to My ass for providing my lower back
with a cushion every damn day of my life.
Copyright 1999 The Door From Hell
All Rights Reserved.
Some photos have been taken from
other places, and are copyrighted by
the places they were stolen from.

3. TABLE OF CONTENTS
1...........................................People in Charge of Something
2....................................................................Table of Contents
3....................................................................The Shaft Page
4...............................................................Power Pac
5...........................................................The Science Page
6.............................................................................Monster
7/8.......................................................... ...............Centerfold
9...............................................More That Meets the Eye
10................................................American Icon Returns
11................................................................White Trash
12...............................................Letters From Our Makers
13.....................................................Capo Crunch Pt II
14.....................................................The Last Page
HEY!
From here on in, if you want to continue getting this fine publication,
you’re gonna have to send me stamps. Send as many stamps for as many
issues you want. So like, if you send 3 stamps, I’ll send you 3 issues.
Thanks. (those that have sent stamps already, I’M KEEPING TRACK!

4. THE
PAGE
Hardcore's answer to Fabio, Alex Sanders is a well-muscled and
athletic young stud whose mane of long, curly blonde hair makes
him one of the more instantly recognizable of hardcore hunks.
He's always ready for action and is known as one of the most
reliable male performers in the business. He can keep it going for
as long as it takes, and
can then step into the very
next scene without
missing a beat. Alex's
studly appeal and tireless
porno work ethic have
made him one of the most
prolific male stars of the
90's. He's appeared in
over 500 features since
his 1993 debut.
He shines in any type of
s e x u a l situation,
from romantic one-on-one
encounters to supercharged
group scenes. In fact, he's
won a pair of AV N B e s t
Group Sex S c e n e
awards, for his work in
ALEX SANDERS
1994's 'Pussyman #05' . A decent actor in his own right, Alex has
also picked up an AVN Best Supporting Actor nod for his work
in 'Dear Diary,' a feature that he also wrote. During the past few
years, Alex has turned his talents to producing, writing and directing
sexvids. He shows a good eye for female passion in all of his
features, and he promises to be one of themore exciting hardcore
filmmakers of the next few years. But it's Alex's sterling sexual
performances that have gotten him to where he is, and he has no
plans to ease up on the throttle any time soon.

5. Pac Man champion Billy Mitchell Jr., shown Wednesday, July 14, 1999, in
Dania, Fla., has scored a perfect game on the video game. Mitchell has
accomplished a feat no other video game player has before. He has played
the perfect Pac-Man game. The father of three become the first person in the
world to master the game on Fourth of July weekend at a New Hampshire
arcade, something that game experts call a one in 10 billion phenomenon
AP 1999

6. HOW AN OUTHOUSE WORKS
1. After a
hearty meal of
chitlins, the
backwoodsman
usually visits
the outhouse.
where the poop
falls from the
back
woodsman’s
ass.
2. The poop
goes throught
the seat part of
the hole. and
down into the
ground.
3. The poop
piles up until it
nearly reaches
the top, then the
hole is filled in,
and a new one
is built.
Ed Burton Graphic

7. Bessie the
Lake Erie Monster
Two brothers named Dusseau, both Lake Erie throws our Lake Champlain sea
fishermen, were returning from these fishing serpent into the shade with this monster,
grounds, when they discovered a alleged to have been seen one day last
phosphorescent mass upon the beach. It week near Toledo, by two French fishermen.
was late in the evening, but they succeeded Their serpent had arms width it flourished
in making their boat fast to the shore, and in the air. It emitted a its whole body, and
upon examination discovered a lake left signs of its presence on the shore, in
monster the shape of scales as big as a
county whiskey seems to be a pretty poor
facts: article.
On page 484 of the "Museum of Natural TOLEDO, Ohio, May 14 - A special from
Sciences", under October 1817 we find the Locust Point on the shore of Lake Erie,
following references: near here, says: The French settlers
along the lake shore, in Erie township,
4. Lake Erie Serpent. It appears that even Ottawa county, a few miles east of here,
large lakes have huge serpents or fishes, were surprised and amazed last night over
as well as the sea. On the 7th July, unknown fish of mammal size. Two brothers
1817, one was seen in lake Erie, 5 miles named Dusseau, both fishermen, were
from land, by the crew of a schooner, which returning from these fishing grounds, when
was 30 or 40 feet long and one they discovered a phosphorescent mass
fourth in diameter; its colour was a dark upon the beach. It was late in the evening,
mahogany, nearly black. This account is but they succeeded in making their boat
very imperfect, and does not even notice fast to the shore, and upon examination
if it had scales; therefore it must remain discovered a lake monster writhing in agony.
doubtful whether it was a snake or a fish. The brothers say that was like a large
I am inclined to believe it was a fish, sturgeon in shape, but that it had long arms,
until otherwise convinced; it might be a which it threw wildly in the air. While they
gigantic species of eel, or a species of the were watching it the great fish apparently
above gnus Octijvos. Until seen again, died, and the Dusseau boys, badly
and better described, it may be recorded frightened, hurried away for aid. When they
as a gigantic eel. returned with ropes the fish had
disappeared. In its dying efforts, it had
5. The Water-Snake of Lake Erie has been succeeded in tumbling into the lake and
seen again, and described to be of a copper had been carried away by the waves. The
colour; with bright eyes, and sixty marks on the beach indicate that the
feet long. It is added, that at a short distance serpent was between twenty and thirty feet
(musket) balls had no effect on him, but it in length. Several scales as large as silver
is omitted to mention whether it was dollars, which were believed to be the
owing to having lizard scales (in which monsters, were picked up.
case it might be a real snake of the genial
Enhydris or Pelamis) or to the poor aim of There is a continuous operation set up to
the marksman. spot and video tape Bessie. If you live near,
or on the Lake, and have evidence, call
the
On page first page of the Burlington Free BESSIE HOT LINE
Press and Times, May 16, 1887 we find 1-888-596-9226
the following article. http://www.shadowmag.com/bessie/

9. FLUSHICUS
TRANSFORMER
HERO: FLUSHICUS
TRANSFORMS
FROM A BAD ASS
CRIME FIGHTING
ROBOT INTO WET
ASS URINE SAVING
BEDPAN. (ALSO
AVAILABLE WITH
A HANDLE.)
FROM HASHBRO

10. Kennedy Found!!
We all felt that same sinking feeling MTV is for “Man” THE Man) At last
when Dan Rather announced that our collective sphincters can relax just
Kennedy’s plane disappeared. But we knowing our fire headed beauty is
had hope. After back where she belongs, and not
a few days, the lunch for a hungry moray eel at the
hope seemed to bottom of her watery grave.
dissipate. We could hardly keep the waterworks
learned to deal from over flowing as he announced
with our pain. to the world the happy news, late last
First denial, then night.
sadness, then “Kennedy has been found.” he
anger. Finally we snuffled, “America is once again at
managed to peace.”
move on from When asked about her ordeal,
the daily Kennedy said, “it was a horrible
reminders the KENNEDY terrible trauma, I may never get over.
news showered The new Limp Bizkit song isn’t even
us with. We eventually forgot about as bad as what I went through.”
the missing Kennedy. Until one day. Apparently Kennedy’s plane crashed
The day we thought was to never exist. just south of Fantasy Island, where it
was spotted by Herve Villichez. He
Yesterday a group of punker kids in sent an SOS quickly to the Coast
Daytona Beach spotted Kennedy Guard and three villagers managed to
blabbering some gibberish into a mic pull Kennedy out of the plane right
in front of Jimmy’s Beach Shack, and before it sank. (un)Fortunately Jesse
tossing out MTV t-shirts. Kennedy Camp went down with the wreckage,
was screaming some Republican but no one felt the need to search for
rubbish about Al Gore being a robot, his body.
and how Rollins is gay, but even with “He was a waste of flesh anyway”
all this spewing out of her mouth, we said Kennedy when asked about
can now all let out a sigh of relief, Camp. “The only bad thing about his
and our hearts jump. Let them jump sinking is the big oil slick that’s gonna
like they yearn to. Our hero is back. be everywhere from his greasy ass
America’s Conservative Princess has head.”
come home. Thank you God. Oh how Kennedy plans on Living la Vida
we missed those stupid glasses, that Loca for the rest of the summer in the
don’t seem quite as stupid now. How MTV beach house in Ft. Lauderdale,
we missed her obnoxious whining, then returning to New York in the fall
every 10 minutes, promoting the latest for the new season of Celebrity Death
corporate rock bands, and the popular Match.
entertainment network “the Man” has
provided for us. (after all the “M” in

11. Garbage Pail Kid
of the Month
Name: Junkfood John
Twin: Ray Decay
Number: 2a/2b (First Edition)

12. LETTERS FROM
OUR READERS
Dear Door From Hell,
I just love your
magazine! Great title, and
i love it when you have
nudie pics of girls with
tattoos. I gave you ladies
the technology for this
sort of thing, why don’t
more of you have ‘em??
Only tattooed girls get to
heaven. The Shaft Page is
great as well. I wish I had
your editors around
when I was in the
planning stages of the
Bible. Man, I would have
most definitely had more
psalms with the word
“shaft” it ‘em. perhaps
when I put out the special
edition with George
Lucas, I’ll have you guys
get involved, just as long
as you don’t piss me off.
Speaking of that special
edition, do you think I can
get Lucas to let me use
the Light and Magic
place? He’s come up with
some pretty good stuff
there. Things I couldn’t even think of. Its too bad he made that fuckin’ Jar
Jar thing. I may have to send him to Hell for that one. Well, he’s got 2 more
flicks to redeem himself. Anyhow, I just wanted to drop you a line and
tell you to keep up the good work, I’m warmin’ up a seat here to my right,
just for the Door From Hell, when the time comes. Later on bee-otches..
- Jezus Christ (I’m tryin’ to be more hip, so I changed that one “S” to a “Z”
whatta ya think?)
THANKS JEZUS. I LIKE THE “Z” PROBABLY SHOULD KEEP THAT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THE NEW BOOK COMES OUT. TRY NOT TO HAVE
TOO MANY CG CHARACTERS THOUGH. MAYBE JUST MOSES.
SAY ‘HI’ TO THE JFK’S, AND DI FOR ME.

13. Talk like a capo (H-Z)
hard-on with a suitcase: mob lawyer; problem: A liability, someone likely to be
feminine: half a hard-on with a suitcase. whacked.
hot place: a location suspected of being the rat: a member who violates Omertá;
target of law enforcement or surveillance. synonyms: squealer, canary, snitch, stool
pigeon, yellow dog.
ice: to murder; see burn.
shylock: see loanshark
joint, the: prison; synonyms: the can, the
pen, go away to college. sit-down: a meeting with the Family
administration to settle disputes.
loanshark: someone who lends mob money
at an exorbitant interest rate; a shylock. skim: Tax-free gambling profits, as in the
money taken that is not reported to the IRS.
made: to be sworn into La Cosa Nostra;
synonyms: to be "straightened out," to get skipper: a capo.
your button.
stand-up guy: someone who refuses to rat
make a marriage: to bring two parties out the Family no matter what the pressure,
together for legitimate or illegitimate Family offer, or threat.
issues.
swag: stolen goods, also an acronym for
mattresses, hitting the, taking to the: going "stolen without a gun."
to war with a rival Family or gang.
vig: the interest payment on a loan from a
meat eater: a corrupt cop (not exclusively loanshark (short for "vigorish"). Synonym:
mobspeak). juice.
Mustache Petes: Old fashioned or older vouch for: to personally guarantee--with
generation Mafiosi. one's life--the reputation of someone dealing
with the Family.
nut, the: mobspeak for "the bottom line";
also the gross profit figure. walk talk, take a walk: to conduct a sensitive
discussion while striding up and down the
Omertá: the code of silence and one of the block to avoid being overheard on those
premier vows taken when being sworn into pesky
the Family. Violation is punishable by death. eavesdropping devices.
off the record: an action taken without the whack: to murder; see burn.
knowledge or approval of the Family.
Young Turks: Younger, less traditional
on the record: an action sanctioned by the generation of Mafiosi. Less likely to live by
Family. the old rules.
piece: a gun.
Zips: American Mafiosi's derogatory term
pinched: arrested. for Sicilian Mafiosi.
pop: to murder; see burn

15. The Door From Hell
160 S. Fairmount St.
Apt 8
Pittsburgh, PA 15206