This document is the March 1999 issue of "The Door From Hell" newsletter. It is a one-person operation run by Ed Burton, who fulfills all staff roles. The issue includes commentary from Ed ranting about Monica Lewinsky's book deal, previews of Oscar nominated films with sarcastic commentary, a piece on the Y2K threat, and drinking games based on the TV show Dawson's Creek. It asks readers to send stamps in exchange for future issues and to contribute content.

1. MARCH 1999 Volume 1: Issue 8

2. OUR STAFF
PUBLISHER..................................................ED BURTON
PRESIDENT..................................................ED BURTON
VICE PRESIDENT..........................................ED BURTON
PHOTOGRAPHY.............................................ED BURTON
REPORTER....................................................ED BURTON
WRITER.......................................................ED BURTON
GRAPHICS....................................................ED BURTON
SECURITY....................................................ED BURTON
ANIMAL TRAINER........................................ED BURTON
SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................................ED BURTON
PROMOTIONS...............................................ED BURTON
KING..........................................................ED BURTON
KEY GRIP....................................................ED BURTON
ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........................ED BURTON
SCOUT.........................................................ED BURTON
MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........................ED BURTON
CAPTAIN OF THE USS
ENTERPRISE........................................JAMES T. KIRK
LEADER OF THE
AUTOBOTS..........................................OPTIMUS PRIME
KING OF THE
WORLD........................................LEONARDO DICAPRIO
THE MIND.............................................JESSE VENTURA
THE MAN IN THE BOX............................LAYNE STALEY
BIGGER GERM FARM
THAN THAT MONKEY FROM
OUTBREAK........................................COURTNEY LOVE
ALF.................................................GORDON SHUMWAY
Thanks to Rob Briggs and Aaron Steckelberg
for their contributions.
Also thanks to Chris Whispell for the contribution, but
it was just not exciting enough for this fine paper.
all photos and writings are copyrighted
either by me or someone else. 1999 by
me, earlier by others. Copyright 1999 THE DOOR FROM HELL

3. TABLE OF
CONTENTS
1.......................................WE’RE RUNNIN’THE SHOW
2...........................................TABLE OF CONTENTS
3...........................................EDITOR’S COMMENTARY
4..............................................................OSCAR PREVIEW
5...............................................................TRANSFORMERS
6..........................................................................WHY 2K?
7/8....................................THE TRUTH “COMES OUT”
9/10............................................................................COMICS!
11....................LETTERS FROM OUR READERS.
12................................MORE FROM THE RED CROSS
13.................................................THE DRINKING PAGE
14..............................................LAST PAGE PHOTO.
HEY!
From here on in, if you want to continue getting this fine publication,
you’re gonna have to send me stamps. Send as many stamps for as many
issues you want. So like, if you send 3 stamps, I’ll send you 3 issues.
Thanks. (those that have sent stamps already, I’M KEEPING TRACK!

4. SUCK ON THIS - Ed Burton
Ah yes, I believe I may have photos of Hilary naked,
been bitching about something, maybe..uhm..well..ok, no. No I
and got distracted by something wouldn’t buy it then either, BUT
better to bitch about. Something if she was naked and gettin’ in
perhaps, ohh, even more on, one-on-one with Janet
ridiculous than the first thing. I Reno..ok. sure. IT’D BE
know, it was the fact that Monica BETTER THAN READING
Lewinsky now has a book out. I THE MONICA STORY AGAIN
passed by the WOULDN’T IT??
local B. Dalton,
and noticed, that Look, this is
on its third day on what it boils down
the shelf, its to: if you suck the
already 30% off. President’s wang,
You know why? you don’t get a
I’ll tell you. book, you get a
Because no one letter to Penthouse.
gives a fuck! Monica, you’re
We ’ v e b e e n damn lucky you
forced to hear her got Barbera
story every damn Walters to make
day for the past you cry on national
two years, and TV. I know people
now, she wants us who dream of
to PAY to read it just one more having Babs make them feel bad..
time. Like maybe we missed But ah, my poor readers, her 15
some juicy detail about how the minutes aren’t over yet. Now
cigar broke off and she had to go she’s been offered a spot on Ms.
to the ER and couldn’t sit down, Walters’ funtime show, “The
so the secret service had to hold View.” MAKE IT STOP!!
her up for two hours while she Monica, you’re a chubby girl
waited. Uhm. No, I still wouldn’t with self esteem issues. That’s
buy it. I MIGHT buy it if it came all. Nothing special. Go back to
with pictures drawn by Shel the Gap. You suck, your parents
Silverstein. Or maybe if it came suck, your friends suck, your dog
with a coupon for a sucks, your tv sucks, your socks
complimentary BJ from the hot suck, your Ultra Slimfast sucks,
girl that works behind the you’re all about suck. And now
counter, THEN, MAYBE I’d you have a book to prove it.
buy the book. Or if there was Next issue.

5. OSCAR-MANIA!!
And now, like every other two bit piece of media, the Door From Hell takes a look
at this year’s Best Picture nominees.
Here’s a touching scene Middle aged movies were a hit this year as this
from “Saving Private scene from “Elizabeth” shows. I still don’t know the
Ryan,” where Sarge air/speed velocity of a swallow, but Gwenyth
yells at Private Pyle. Paltrow is still hot.
Ben Affleck gives a stellar performance YEA! Another war flick. In this scene
in the other middle aged story, from “A Thin Red Line,” Sarge yells
“Shakespeare in Love” at Private Pyle.
Finally, we take a look at a rich white
guy and his black children in the
movie no one saw, “Life is Beautiful”
It certainly is, isn’t it Gary?
OH! And I saw Dana Plato in a
Skinamax movie the other day.
She’s lookin’ PRET-TY
worn out these days.

6. Transforms
From a
robot
To a toilet
brush!
FURBICUS

7. WHY 2K? - By Dr. Serious
Pay attention to the news; It the Y2K bug is now being
may very well hold the considered "a threat to
information you thought the civilization"? And is it possible
government was trying to hide that this action with an
from you. This month, OPFOR battalion is merely a
members of the Pennsylvania diversion for the media to
National Guard are obscure the fact that this is,
participating in exercises in in fact, the largest mobilization
Germany. It seems 658 citizen of the Pennsylvania National
soldiers will join 124 other Guard since the Korean War?
Pennsylvania troops already The size of the operation is
stationed in the country, as no secret, but its purpose is,
well as 160 Philadelphia-area in all probability.
area in Kuwait to combine for
a total of nearly 1,000 There is no question that this
Pennsylvania service is a training exercise.
members overseas at once. Weekend warriors
are supposed to do this two
Official sources say these 658 weeks a year. But it seems
Guardsmen, representing that perhaps they are, this
Pennsylvania's 28th time, training for more than
Infantry Division, are your conventional wartime
participating in wargames with action Is the Pennsylvania
the storied OPFOR. OPFOR National Guard preparing for
is a group of Army grunts a mass mobilization Dec.
familiar with tactics and 31,1999? And are they
weapons for every known preparing under the guise of
military force that poses "a wargames, in another
threat to civilization," country,away from the prying
according to Lt. Col. Kenneth eyes of the media, using the
Ault, commanding officer of protection of a
the 128th Forward Support "CLASSIFIED"seal?
Battalion. I suppose we'll find out soon
enough ...
Could it be, then, with only 9
months and change to go, that

10. Ooo! Ooo!
A LETTER!
Here’s a letter ALL THE WAY FROM FLORIDA!
WHOOOooo..I didn’t think they could read down
there.
“I’ve been getting THE DOOR FROM HELL, and
i must ask, what’s this? I think it’s funny and stuff,
but what’s your role in it? Do you write that or if
not, who is this Ed Burton? And if Ed Burton isn’t a
pen name then how are you tied in to this? It’s very
warped and kind of sick, that’s what I like about it.
Keep ‘em coming.”
Kind of brings a tear to my eye. Thanks Doug.
You’ll get another issue sent RIGHT TO YOU!!
As for the rest of you bastards, I got a big pile of
doo doo waiting to be sent to your doorstep.
If you wish to contribute ANYTHING to “The Door From Hell”
send it to the address on the back, or doorfromhell@hotmail.com
Thanks.

11. RED CROSS WARNS PART II
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO BE PREPARED from a public well or other public, non-treated
Y2K Checklist CONTINUED: system, follow instructions provided by your water
provider for what may need to be done to store such
___ Have extra blankets, coats, hats, and water for extended periods. Still, change and
gloves to keep warm. Please do not plan to six months. If your local water comes from a private
use gas-fueled appliances, like an oven, as well or other private source, consult with your local
an alternative heating source. The same goes public health agency about recommendations
for wood-burning or liquid-fueled heating regarding storage of water. Some water sources have
devices that are not designed to be used in a contaminants (minerals or parasites) that
residential structure. Camp stoves and heaters should can not be neutralized by treatment with liquid
only be used out of doors in a well-ventilated area. household chlorine bleach.
If you do purchase an alternative heating device, Only your local public health agency should
make sure it is approved for use indoors and is listed make recommendations about whether your local
with the Underwriters Laboratories (UL). water can be safely stored, for how long, and how
to treat it.
___ Have plenty of flashlights and extra batteries on
hand. Don't use candles for emergency lighting. How long can I store food supplies?
Look for an "expiration date" or "best if used by"
___ Examine your smoke alarms now. If you have date on the can. If you can not find a date on the can,
smoke alarms that are hard-wired into your home's then the general recommendation is to store canned
electrical system (most newer ones are), check to food for six months and then replace it. Some
see if they have battery back-ups. Every fall, households find it helpful to pull cans of food for
replace all batteries in all smoke alarms as a general their regular dinner from their disaster supplies kit
fire safety precaution. and replace them immediately on an ongoing basis,
so the food supplies are always fresh.
___ Be prepared to relocate to a shelter for warmth
and protection during a prolonged power outage or What is the basis for the Red Cross
if for any other reason local officials request or recommendation to store supplies to last
require that you leave your home. Listen to a several days to a week?
battery-operated radio or television for information Red Cross recommendations to have food, water,
about where shelters will be available. and other emergency supplies on hand are not new,
and are considered reasonable in case of any disaster.
___ If you plan to use a portable generator, connect Our recommendations are to have supplies to last at
what you want to power directly to the generator; least three days to a week. Most reasonable people
do not connect the generator to your home's electrical would not consider such quantities of supplies as a
system. Also, be sure to keep a generator in a "stockpile" or "hoarding." We understand that there
well-ventilated area_either outside or in a garage, are some other groups or organizations that are
keeping the door open. Don't put a generator in your suggesting storing larger quantities of supplies for
basement or anywhere inside your home. various reasons. We will stick with our
recommendations, because experience with hundreds
___ Check with the emergency services providers of disasters over many, many years has indicated
in your community to see if there is more information that the vast majority of people in the U.S. can get
available about how your community is preparing to one of our shelters for caring comfort or receive
for any potential problems. Be an advocate and other assistance in a matter of a few days after
support efforts by your local police, fire, and even the most severe event.
emergency management officials to ensure that their
systems will be able to operate at all times. The American Red Cross helps people prevent,
prepare for, and respond to emergencies. We're in
Do I need to treat water before storing it? your neighborhood every day, providing disaster
Use directions provided by your local or state public preparedness information and teaching classes in
health agency. In the case where your local or state first aid and other lifesaving skills, to help keep
public health agency does not have information, families like yours safer. For more
follow the recommendation below. Make sure the information, please contact your local
water storage container grade quality. American Red Cross.
If your local water is treated commercially by a
water treatment utility, you do not have to treat the www.redcross.org
water before storing it. Treating water with bleach
is superfluous and not necessary. Doing so does not
increase storage life. It is important to change and
replace stored water every six months.
If your local water is NOT treated commercially by
a water treatment facility, that is, if your water comes

12. DRINKING GAMES
Enjoy.
Dawson
Dawson says some faggot ass line..........1 drink
Somebody cracks on Dawson..........1 drink
Dawson gives that faggot crybaby look..........1 drink
...after Pacey cracks on him..........2 drinks
Dawson watches a movie..........1 drink
Dawson compares life to a movie..........1 drink
Dawson scores with a girl..........drink everything in the house
Dawson tries to play basketball again..........1 drink
Dawson comes out of the closet..........10 drinks
Close up on Dawson...........2 drinks (for straight women, to ease the pain)
Dawson dies....................everything you can afford
Joey
Close-up on Joey..........1 drink (guys and lesbians only)
Joey says something sarcastic...........1 drink
Joey denies another guy trying to hook up with her..........1 drink
Joey gets a boyfriend..........10 drinks
Joey climbs through Dawson's window..........1 drink
Shot of Joey's ass..........2 drinks (once again, guys and lesbians only)
Joey's dad gets out of jail..........10 drinks
Joey talks about her sister's boyfriend..........1 drink
Pacey
Pacey cracks on Dawson..........2 drinks
Pacey rubs his hands together while talking..........1 drink
Pacey talks about his sex life or Dawson's lack of one............2 drinks
Pacey hooks up with another women over 30..........1 drink
Pacey hooks up with someone his age.........2 drinks
Jen
Somebody talks about Jen's past..........1 drink
Jen says how there is no God..........1 drink
Jen's grandma talks about church..........1 drink
Jen calls her grandmother "grams".......1 drink
Ugly Close-up on Jen..........1 drink
Other
Dawson's mom does some other dude..........1 drink
Anyone says some word you don't understand..........1 drink
Alternative party chick beeyoch appears..........1 drink
Some guy with a normal name comes on the show..........2 drinks
...and scores with Joey..........2 drinks
Dawson's dad talks about all the sex he gets..........1 drink
Theme song (commercials count)..........1 drink
Bad background song.........1 drink
http://www.students.uiuc.edu/~jjporter/dawson.html

14. TheDoorFromHell
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Apt 8
Pittsburgh, PA 15206