Families and Friends of Murder Victims Handling the Holidays

1. HANDLING
THE
HOLIDAYS
Families & Friends of Murder Victims
FFMV
P.O. Box 11222
San Bernardino, Ca. 92423-1222
Rose Madsen (909) 754-6969
E-mail: mail4ffmv@yahoo.com

2. Families & Friends of Murder Victims:
A non-profit organization
Dedicated to providing information, support, and
friendship to persons who have experienced the
death of a loved one through the violent act of
murder
Share Sorrow…..
Share Strength
Mission: To restore a sense of hope and to provide a
pathway to well-being to those who have lost a loved
one to murder and to those who are victims of
attempted murder.
FFMV Executive Board
Rose Madsen – Chair - Mother of Jennifer LeAnne Balber
Dawn Hall – Vice Chair - Mother of Joshua Rexford
Rita Marin – Secretary, -Aunt of Jennifer LeAnne Balber
Bertha Flores – Treasurer, -Mother of Kristopher Flores

3. The holidays are coming and I’m not ready! I’m not sure I’ll
ever be ready! It’s dark outside and it’s cold. So we turn up
the heat and turn on the lights, but the lights we turn on do
not seem to pierce the emptiness of this winter season. As
we set the dishes and count the silverware, we are acutely
aware of the EMPTY PLACES at the family table. We try to
find the holiday spirit, but WHEN THE FAMILY CIRCLE
HAS BEEN BROKEN BY DEATH, THE ONLY THINGS
THAT SPARKLE THIS SEASON MAY BE TEARS.
HANDLING THE HOLIDAYS IS NOT A QUESTION OF
HOW TO ELIMINATE PAIN AND GRIEF FROM OUR
LIVES, BUT HOW WE CAN LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE
HURT AND GRIEF RATHER THAN BE CONSUMED BY IT.
The holidays season can be a time WHEN THE PAST AND
THE PRESENT COLLIDE. We try to capture what we once
had or blot out bad memories. We try to ignore the empty
chair. We try to ignore the pain and emptiness in our soul.
While most of the world seems to be addressing holiday
greeting cards and planning holiday menus, the bereaved
are struggling with other concerns: HOW LONG DOES
GRIEF LAST? WILL THE HOLIDAYS ALWAYS BE THIS
AWFUL? WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE EMPTY PLACE AT
THE TABLE? ……Will there ever be LIGHT again?

4. ONE LITTLE CANDLE
I lit a candle tonight, in honor of you
remembering your life, and all the times we'd been through.
Such a small little light the candle made
until I realized how much in darkness it lit the way.
All the tears I've cried in all my grief and pain
what a garden they grew, watered with human rain
I sometimes can't see beyond the moment, in hopeless
despair
But then your memory sustains me, in heartaches repair.
I can wait for the tomorrow, when my sorrows ease
Until then, I’ll light this candle, and let my memories run
free
Author unknown

5. THANKSGIVING
The time draws near
And the calendar says
Thanksgiving is really here.
Time to reflect and time to gather
Thoughts of what to be thankful of.
Thankful? I think not.
My life is not full these days
And to be thankful is beyond my grasp.
But to give thanks? This, I believe, can be done.
Searching my soul deep within
Reasons to give thanks surface to the edge
Yes, I give thanks
For the memories of yesterdays,
The love, the laughter, the joy of each day when loved one was with
us
The trials & tribulations of being an active parent,
The rewards & the challenges of raising a child,
The days of blissful ignorance when I thought tragedy would never
visit our home,
The days when life was normal, even though I took it all for granted.
For the treasures of todays,
The sunrise, sunset, the changing of the seasons,
The new found friends along this journey I reluctantly travel
The tried & true friends who stand by me still,
The strong and everlasting love of my husband
The warmth of wet kisses from my canine companion & feline friend,
The encouragement & support, compassion & caring I give & receive
as
I survive and help others survive.
For the hopes and possibilities of a peaceful tomorrow,
With faith, love, & perseverance as I struggle to move on
With my loved in my heart forevermore, spiritually guiding me with his
new presence,
With sorrow and reluctance, each new day,
To yet, somehow, be open and loving,
Not to forsake what I've learned Because of what I've lost.

6. One of the most painful issues for you to deal with is how to
survive the holidays after the death of the person you love.
Because holidays are supposed to be family times, and
because of the extraordinary (although unrealistic)
expectation that you should feel close to everyone, this time
of year can underscore the absence of your deceased loved
one more than any other time. The important thing to
remember is that you and your family do have options about
how to cope with the holidays. These are a few things to
keep in mind:
As much as you’d like to skip from November to January
2nd, this is impossible. Therefore, it will be wise for you to
take control of the situation by facing it squarely and
planning for what you do and do not want to do to get
through this time.
Realize that the anticipation of pain at the holidays is always
worse than the actual day.
Recognize that what you decide for this year can be changed
next year; you can move to something new or back to the
old way. Decide what is right for, you and your family now.
Don’t worry about all the other holidays to come in years
ahead. You will be at different places in your mourning and
in your life then.
Recognize, also, that your distress about the holidays is
normal. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Countless other
bereaved people have felt, and do feel, as you do right now.
Ask yourself and your loved ones to decide what is
important for you to make your holidays meaningful and
bearable.

7. Do something symbolic. Think about including rituals that
can appropriately symbolize your memory of your loved one.
For example, a candle burning at Thanksgiving dinner, the
hanging of a special Christmas ornament, or the planting of
a tree on New Years Day may help you to mark the
continued abstract presence of your deceased loved one
while still celebrating the holiday with those you love who
still survive. Remembering your deceased loved one in this
fashion
Facing family holidays in your loved ones absence are
normal mourning experiences and part of the healing
process. Let your tears and sadness come and go
throughout the whole day if necessary. The tears and
emotions you do not express will be the ones which are
destructive to you.
Ask for what you want or need from others during the
holidays. One bereaved mother said that, as appropriate,
she wanted to hear her dead daughter mentioned. She knew
everyone was thinking of her daughter and wanted them to
share their thoughts.
You may find yourself reminiscing about other holidays you
shared with your deceased loved one. This is normal. Let the
memories come. Talk about them. This is part of mourning
and doesn’t stop just because it is a holiday. In fact, the
holidays usually intensify it.
Having some fun at the holidays does not mean you don’t
miss your loved one. It is not a betrayal. You must give
yourself permission to have fun when you can, just like you
must give yourself permission to mourn when you have the
need.

8. Discuss holiday tasks and responsibilities that must be
attended to—for example, preparing the meals, doing the
shopping, decorating the house. Consider whether they
should be continued, reassigned, shared, or eliminated.
Break down your goals into small, manageable pieces that
you can accomplish one at a time. Don’t overwhelm or
overcommit yourself. The holidays are stressful times for
everyone, not just the bereaved, so you will need to take it
slow and easy. Look at your plans and ask what they
indicate. Are you doing what you want or are you placating
others? Are you isolating yourself from support or are you
tapping into your resources? Are you doing things that are
meaningful or are you just doing things?
Do something for someone else. Although you may feel
deprived because of the loss of your loved one, reaching out
to another can bring you some measure of fulfillment. For
example, give a donation in your loved one’s name. Invite a
guest to share your festivities. Give food to a needy family
for Thanksgiving dinner.
Perhaps they are not
stars in the sky,
but rather openings
where our loved ones
shine down
to let us know they
are happy.

9. Strategies for Survival
Offer Yourself Some Grace
The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to
yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is your
feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a
certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be
“normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel
angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.
Be Kind to Yourself
Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any
more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor
that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek
it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.
Remember That You Will Survive
As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will
make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the
most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass.
And when it does, you will come out on the other side
stronger than before.
You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to
go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities.
But, it’s also OK to have a good time in spite of your grief. If
happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to
happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an
injustice by feeling joyous.
The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone
you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to
the fullest.

10. I will Light Candles this Christmas
I will light Candles this Christmas;
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present,
Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the year long.
Howard Thuman
MISS YOU
The petals upon my rose are withering away
The color of my heart is beginning to fade
The reason you had to leave I do not know
I know you come 'round at night for I see you glow
You left in such a hurry
I didn't have a chance to say good-bye
I can't think of your face because all it makes me do is cry
I know you're gone and can't return but remember this
You've taught me a lesson and I have learned
Unknown

11. Families & Friends of Murder Victims, INC Chapters
Riverside Chapter
Meets every3rd
Wednesday of every month at 7pm
Avaxat Elementary School, 24300 La Brisas Road in Murrieta, CA
Contact Dawn (951) 757-4419
For directions ask for PJ at-951-696-1600 x2177 – M-F 9am-4pm (1-2pm lunch)
Colton Chapter
Meets every 1st
Tuesday of every month
Christ The Redeemer Catholic Church Robinson Hall – Room 6
12745 Oriole Ave Grand Terrace, CA 92313
New Time: 6:00pm - 8:00pm
Contact person for directions or information Rose – 909-754-6969 mail4ffmv@yahoo.com
Oakland Chapter
Meets every1st
Tuesday of every month
Kaiser in Oakland, Howe St. at Broadway
12th floor Room 1200 East
Contact Robin (510) 691-7089 or Sandra (510) 691-7089
SGV Chapter – Bi-lingual
Meets every 2nd
Tuesday of every month at 7:00pm-9:00pm
First United Methodist Church of La Puente
Classroom
15701 Hill Street, La Puente, CA 91744
English/Spanish Meeting
Los participantes pueden escoger en Inglés o en Español
Contact Information:
Luz – 626-388-6403 * Tracy – 626-533-3121 * Luisa – 818-445-2077
West End Chapter -Bi-lingual
Meets every 2nd
Thursday of every month at 7:00pm-8:30pm
St. Anthony’s Catholic Church
Conference Room
2210 North San Antonio Upland, CA 91786
Participants have the option of the
English & Spanish Meeting Local Grupo Bilingue
Los participantes pueden escoger en Inglés o en Español
Se reunen cada Segundo Jueves del mes a las 7:00 p.m.
Contact persons/ Personas de contacto:
Rita Marin (909) 215-7063 rittaatffmv@aol.com
Thank you to all of our chapter leaders and co/leaders
who volunteer their time
facilitating these support groups
Helping Victims become Survivors